Understanding In Time

It's so strange to read something you wrote 6 months ago and realize how much has changed in that small amount of time.
It would appear that I'm finally learning to trust people enough to show my full spectrum of emotions starting with my boyfriend.
I looked at a calendar and while I've never been one to think much of a one month anniversary, I'm slightly amazed. I feel like it's gone by really fast, but at the same time I feel like I've known my boyfriend for much longer than I have. In terms of trust, I'm certainly moving at a much faster pace.
To think only two months ago I was mostly devoid of emotions and in a constant state of numbness. Then my boyfriend came along and my walls started tumbling down.
The only trouble is that I'm left with the feelings that I didn't address after nana died as well as all the good feelings. I have trouble watching people die in movies and tv shows these days. Tonight a doctor who had been on Stargate SG-1 for 7.5 season died. It upset me.
Everyone thinks I'm sad. I don't feel much sadness; not because I don't miss her, but because I think she's happier where she is now than where she was between June and her death. Mostly I'm angry at everyone who has never had to watch someone they loved deteriorate over 6 months and everyone who hasn't actually been in the room with someone as they took their last breath and everyone who hasn't had to juggle a job while taking care of dying family memory.
Being in the room that day. It changed me. It set me apart from most of my friends. I have that image forever burned into my mind and I don't see it daily anymore, but a couple times a week and no one ever knows.
No matter how difficult it is sometimes I'm glad I can feel again.
I'm also glad I got to spend St. Patty's Day night with Kat and Kate. It was like old times. There's nothing like good friends who know how to listen and don't judge you. Kat is the best at that, which is probably why she's one of the few people who gets through to me.
Now I suppose it bed time.
A year ago I dreamed about going out to the cabin with a guy I cared about for a relaxing weekend or Saturday night. Now it's really going to happen. Can't wait.