So I'm beginning to rethink the whole "you can just be friends with your ex" thing. In theory it should work because you have both moved on, but what if you haven't? Well I did...moved on...moved back 5 years...whatever you want to call it...but uh...as if I didn't have enough on my plate, last night yet another guy (an ex) gave away a little more than I was comfortable with. It was mostly phrases like "that survey made me miss you" "I haven't dated anyone since you" "I was a good choice" (as oppose to the guy I dated after him) "things would probably be much different now...and you live in Maine now" etc
Don't get me wrong. It's nice to know he knows he messed up and feels bad for hurting me, but some things are better left in the past. I got over it a long time ago. There are certainly other people who probably owe me more of an apology anyway.
Good New: Emma is back, Thursday is soon, Friday is soon, might be having lunch with Hallie, full moon is near
Full moon craziness. I'd recommend seeing me then if you're on my good side. It's a party!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunny
It's finally sunny out. I guess that helps my outlook, along with a fun night with my best friends/siblings. Only person really missing was Hallie :-(
The most refreshing part was dinner with the boys. We went to Silly's. It took us 20 minutes to find it, because none of us knew exactly where it was. Sam was just driving wherever Beans told him to and we all know it's not a good idea to take directions from Beans. In this case, he was right though. I don't know what it is about them that always makes me feel better, but I'm glad it does. Even when Jared would call and Beans would be making weird noises in the background, it cheered me up. I guess maybe it's because I'm kind of just one of the boys with them? I'm not conscious that I'm a girl and they're guys. No romantic connections. Just my bro's and me making dirty jokes and rough housing.
Then we went to Ninja Assassin. I'm pretty sure Iszy, Kat and I were the loudest people in the theater. We laughed at some of the corny parts of the movie and made sexual noises when Rain wasn't wearing much clothing...which was half the time. Holy F mother, he was perfect. I'm not one for really built people usually, but...
Some parts of the movie were a little too gory for me. Lots of blood. Mostly it was just the part where the guy would stick his hand into Rain's stomach. The idea was just disgusting. Obviously the romantic aspect was the most appealing to me - bad boy with emotional baggage over a lost love meets modern stubborn woman. What I liked about her character was that she wasn't too stubborn. She wasn't like "oh I can take care of myself." She knew she was no match for the ninjas. Yet somehow she saved him. It wasn't too romantic either. Just "you saved my life, now you're free...okay the end." Overall, I loved the movie, even if I was upset that Luke showed up. In the end it was a good thing, because I left not angry at him...which Beans thoroughly disapproved of...
Then party...that was fun. Dancing, crazy photos, pong, running around hugging everyone and feeling Sam's soft shirt. I was incredibly affectionate toward everyone even by text. In retrospect...I didn't say anything I didn't mean. It's a good thing. Then I went to sleep around 1:30?
A good night...
The most refreshing part was dinner with the boys. We went to Silly's. It took us 20 minutes to find it, because none of us knew exactly where it was. Sam was just driving wherever Beans told him to and we all know it's not a good idea to take directions from Beans. In this case, he was right though. I don't know what it is about them that always makes me feel better, but I'm glad it does. Even when Jared would call and Beans would be making weird noises in the background, it cheered me up. I guess maybe it's because I'm kind of just one of the boys with them? I'm not conscious that I'm a girl and they're guys. No romantic connections. Just my bro's and me making dirty jokes and rough housing.
Then we went to Ninja Assassin. I'm pretty sure Iszy, Kat and I were the loudest people in the theater. We laughed at some of the corny parts of the movie and made sexual noises when Rain wasn't wearing much clothing...which was half the time. Holy F mother, he was perfect. I'm not one for really built people usually, but...
Some parts of the movie were a little too gory for me. Lots of blood. Mostly it was just the part where the guy would stick his hand into Rain's stomach. The idea was just disgusting. Obviously the romantic aspect was the most appealing to me - bad boy with emotional baggage over a lost love meets modern stubborn woman. What I liked about her character was that she wasn't too stubborn. She wasn't like "oh I can take care of myself." She knew she was no match for the ninjas. Yet somehow she saved him. It wasn't too romantic either. Just "you saved my life, now you're free...okay the end." Overall, I loved the movie, even if I was upset that Luke showed up. In the end it was a good thing, because I left not angry at him...which Beans thoroughly disapproved of...
Then party...that was fun. Dancing, crazy photos, pong, running around hugging everyone and feeling Sam's soft shirt. I was incredibly affectionate toward everyone even by text. In retrospect...I didn't say anything I didn't mean. It's a good thing. Then I went to sleep around 1:30?
A good night...
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
It's a good year to be thankful. I have so many new friends, and they're not psychos! Crazy, yes, but in a good way - in a great way! As always, I'm also thankful for the friends I've had for years and my family.
I'm thankful for transferring. I know USM is looked down upon by most 'fleters, but they're wrong. I love commuting and I love Thursday nights and going to lunch and hockey games with Hallie. I'm especially thankful for Hallie :-)
On a side note, going out with all my 'flete friends was a little odd. I kept thinking of jokes and realizing they wouldn't get them because the jokes are between my USM friends and me. I really missed not having them at bingas too. This isn't to say I didn't have a good time. It was tons of fun. Just felt like something was missing. Can't wait for Saturday night!..or Friday for that matter!
I'm also thankful for proper appreciation from a man...finally. It's nice not to be taken for granted. I smile a lot more now and that's always a good thing.
I think at this point everyone knows I'm thankful for my family, although I would move out in a second if I had the money. Learning to cook the full Thanksgiving meal has bee exhausting, but fun. Can't wait to eat it all.
I sent this to Hallie: It's funny.
I'm thankful for transferring. I know USM is looked down upon by most 'fleters, but they're wrong. I love commuting and I love Thursday nights and going to lunch and hockey games with Hallie. I'm especially thankful for Hallie :-)
On a side note, going out with all my 'flete friends was a little odd. I kept thinking of jokes and realizing they wouldn't get them because the jokes are between my USM friends and me. I really missed not having them at bingas too. This isn't to say I didn't have a good time. It was tons of fun. Just felt like something was missing. Can't wait for Saturday night!..or Friday for that matter!
I'm also thankful for proper appreciation from a man...finally. It's nice not to be taken for granted. I smile a lot more now and that's always a good thing.
I think at this point everyone knows I'm thankful for my family, although I would move out in a second if I had the money. Learning to cook the full Thanksgiving meal has bee exhausting, but fun. Can't wait to eat it all.
I sent this to Hallie: It's funny.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
They Say All's Fair In Love And War
Last night reminded me of this: I don't look some people in the eyes for very long.
Why? Simple. I don't want people to see what I think or feel unless I trust them completely and my eyes are usually my only give away.
I also discovered that Michael Buble can be relaxing enough to put me to sleep when I have difficulty sleeping. Being serenaded is nice too...
Still, I was talking with Hallie last night about my doubts. They're instilled much deeper than I thought. Despite all the nice acts, I still wonder if they're just acts, because really? Can these people really exist? Yes. I'm working on it.
Why? Simple. I don't want people to see what I think or feel unless I trust them completely and my eyes are usually my only give away.
I also discovered that Michael Buble can be relaxing enough to put me to sleep when I have difficulty sleeping. Being serenaded is nice too...
Still, I was talking with Hallie last night about my doubts. They're instilled much deeper than I thought. Despite all the nice acts, I still wonder if they're just acts, because really? Can these people really exist? Yes. I'm working on it.
I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.
I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility
And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
I've Got You Under My Skin
I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.
I've got you under my skin.
I'd tried so not to give in.
I said to myself: this affair never will go so well.
But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know so well
I've got you under my skin?
I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of havin' you near
In spite of a warnin' voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear:
Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
Use your mentality, wake up to reality.
But each time that I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
'Cause I've got you under my skin.
I would sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of havin' you near
In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats - how it yells in my ear:
Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
Why not use your mentality - step up, wake up to reality?
But each time I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop just before I begin
'Cause I've got you under my skin.
Yes, I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.
I've got you under my skin.
I'd tried so not to give in.
I said to myself: this affair never will go so well.
But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know so well
I've got you under my skin?
I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of havin' you near
In spite of a warnin' voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear:
Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
Use your mentality, wake up to reality.
But each time that I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
'Cause I've got you under my skin.
I would sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of havin' you near
In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats - how it yells in my ear:
Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
Why not use your mentality - step up, wake up to reality?
But each time I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop just before I begin
'Cause I've got you under my skin.
Yes, I've got you under my skin.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
And So The Plot Thickens
So much for changing my sleep pattern. Last night I was up until 5:30 at which point I talked on the phone with a friend for an hour an 15 minutes.
It was all fun though and helpful, hopefully on her side as well as mine. Hearing her chase seagulls around a field was pretty entertaining though.
It made me think though...I, now, feel guilty. Kind of.
Remember how I was talking about love triangles and good guys vs. bad boys in my last post?
Well it doesn't just apply to me. First of all, mine is a love square now apparently. Well more like a like square.
It's frustrating, because I guess I stopped thinking that it was possible for there to be a good guy that isn't pathetic. Well not only is there 1, there are 2. I kind of saw it, but kind of not, because I didn't know for sure until recently. So I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt him. My feelings aren't completely platonic, but I know I should keep it that way, because maybe soulmates do exist?
Speaking of soulmates...I know I said I didn't believe in them and I'm not saying I really do now, but I'm beginning to wonder. What I mean is, I might think that there are quite a few people who you could be perfectly happy with and love, but maybe there really is one person who it just fits perfectly with. The likelihood of finding them is 6,000,000,000 to 1 though.
This isn't to say that "fit perfectly" means never fighting and always agreeing. Evidence shows that some arguing is healthy for a relationship. If this is true, then I don't think anyone would be able to break them apart aside from themselves.
It's just a thought.
Here's another one. I'm beginning to realize how the way guys have treated me in the past is affecting the way I react to guys currently. I'm not the only one thinking this either. I'm trying to change that though. I can't assume that every guy is going to get what he wants and disappear, or just disappear. Yes, this goes back to being a baby and having my birth mother "disappear," but it's been reinforced by guys in my past. So when a nice guy comes around and isn't like that at all, I'm suspicious and distant. Not good thing. My new mantra: It's okay to show affection. I can't let the past dictate the future.
Like my mom says, that kind of thing leads to "a small life."
It was all fun though and helpful, hopefully on her side as well as mine. Hearing her chase seagulls around a field was pretty entertaining though.
It made me think though...I, now, feel guilty. Kind of.
Remember how I was talking about love triangles and good guys vs. bad boys in my last post?
Well it doesn't just apply to me. First of all, mine is a love square now apparently. Well more like a like square.
It's frustrating, because I guess I stopped thinking that it was possible for there to be a good guy that isn't pathetic. Well not only is there 1, there are 2. I kind of saw it, but kind of not, because I didn't know for sure until recently. So I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt him. My feelings aren't completely platonic, but I know I should keep it that way, because maybe soulmates do exist?
Speaking of soulmates...I know I said I didn't believe in them and I'm not saying I really do now, but I'm beginning to wonder. What I mean is, I might think that there are quite a few people who you could be perfectly happy with and love, but maybe there really is one person who it just fits perfectly with. The likelihood of finding them is 6,000,000,000 to 1 though.
This isn't to say that "fit perfectly" means never fighting and always agreeing. Evidence shows that some arguing is healthy for a relationship. If this is true, then I don't think anyone would be able to break them apart aside from themselves.
It's just a thought.
Here's another one. I'm beginning to realize how the way guys have treated me in the past is affecting the way I react to guys currently. I'm not the only one thinking this either. I'm trying to change that though. I can't assume that every guy is going to get what he wants and disappear, or just disappear. Yes, this goes back to being a baby and having my birth mother "disappear," but it's been reinforced by guys in my past. So when a nice guy comes around and isn't like that at all, I'm suspicious and distant. Not good thing. My new mantra: It's okay to show affection. I can't let the past dictate the future.
Like my mom says, that kind of thing leads to "a small life."
Friday, November 20, 2009
Love Triangles
Let me just say...They suck. Especially when all 3 people are really pathetic. One guy goes away and comes back saying I can't live without you, if you'll have me. Then forever feeling guilty for leaving in the first place and always needing to be the protector. Meanwhile the other guy is young and naive and clingy. And the girl...well she's just pathetic all the way around. She can't decide, but needs both. Oh Em Gee what would she do without both guys on a chain? That's the twilight series for you.
Interestingly enough I was on Team Edward in the book and for the movie, Team Jacob. Robert Pattinson no. You're a bad Edward. I mean the character is pretty pathetic as it is. He can't live without Bella, but he thinks he knows best. If I met a guy like that, I would smack him upside the head. I don't have time to deal with a guy who thinks he knows best and will suffer endlessly for me. Pathetic. Get a life.
Meanwhile Jacob is also pathetic. He's like a little kid tugging on Bella's sleeve whining "pick me! pick me! I love you!" He's pathetic enough to let her put him in that friends spot. A real friend wouldn't make him suffer like that. Meanwhile he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her. I like him better in the movie because he's not quite as pathetic as the book portrays him and...well he's fucking hot as hell. That's a compliment because I don't normally like brown guys.
It's funny, my most recent ex used to say "I feel like I'm Jacob with you." Obviously that didn't improve my opinion of him seeing as I thought Jacob was pathetic. He was that overly nice, clingy guy type who I wanted to slap most of the time just to see if he'd have the balls to do anything but take it. He wasn't my best decision.
But back to love triangles. They tend to...No, wrong. I tend to be in the middle of them. It's my fault, I'll take most of the blame. They say Libras aren't meant to be in a steady relationship ever. We're just in it for the chase and the adoration, which we get bored with after awhile, and then move on. Obviously it's horoscope stuff so it's not true. But sometimes situations make me doubt just a tiny bit. I do like the chase. I do like the many adoring men, but that's not what I want. I'd like to commit and have it work out without me getting bored or freaking out because I can't flirt with other guys anymore. I have to make a choice. I guess it's not much of a choice, because I know one will never work out especially now. I'm just afraid to say it out loud, because then I will truly never have the chance to see if it could.
Speaking of which, one of the previews for a romantic comedy looked pretty good. Meanwhile Dear John or whatever that movie is called looked painful, but possibly good. I'd probably cry like a baby because those romantic separation movies have that effect on me. God knows I could never be a soldiers wife or girlfriend. Kudos to those women who go through that.
Last but not least, Kellan Lutz as hot as ever and Michael Sheen as amazing as ever!
Interestingly enough I was on Team Edward in the book and for the movie, Team Jacob. Robert Pattinson no. You're a bad Edward. I mean the character is pretty pathetic as it is. He can't live without Bella, but he thinks he knows best. If I met a guy like that, I would smack him upside the head. I don't have time to deal with a guy who thinks he knows best and will suffer endlessly for me. Pathetic. Get a life.
Meanwhile Jacob is also pathetic. He's like a little kid tugging on Bella's sleeve whining "pick me! pick me! I love you!" He's pathetic enough to let her put him in that friends spot. A real friend wouldn't make him suffer like that. Meanwhile he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her. I like him better in the movie because he's not quite as pathetic as the book portrays him and...well he's fucking hot as hell. That's a compliment because I don't normally like brown guys.
It's funny, my most recent ex used to say "I feel like I'm Jacob with you." Obviously that didn't improve my opinion of him seeing as I thought Jacob was pathetic. He was that overly nice, clingy guy type who I wanted to slap most of the time just to see if he'd have the balls to do anything but take it. He wasn't my best decision.
But back to love triangles. They tend to...No, wrong. I tend to be in the middle of them. It's my fault, I'll take most of the blame. They say Libras aren't meant to be in a steady relationship ever. We're just in it for the chase and the adoration, which we get bored with after awhile, and then move on. Obviously it's horoscope stuff so it's not true. But sometimes situations make me doubt just a tiny bit. I do like the chase. I do like the many adoring men, but that's not what I want. I'd like to commit and have it work out without me getting bored or freaking out because I can't flirt with other guys anymore. I have to make a choice. I guess it's not much of a choice, because I know one will never work out especially now. I'm just afraid to say it out loud, because then I will truly never have the chance to see if it could.
Speaking of which, one of the previews for a romantic comedy looked pretty good. Meanwhile Dear John or whatever that movie is called looked painful, but possibly good. I'd probably cry like a baby because those romantic separation movies have that effect on me. God knows I could never be a soldiers wife or girlfriend. Kudos to those women who go through that.
Last but not least, Kellan Lutz as hot as ever and Michael Sheen as amazing as ever!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Ugly Truth
It's just so good - Not intellectually, but entertaining and feel good. There's nothing wrong with that. Very few guys actually appreciate chick flicks, and when I meet one who does I'm surprised.
I own way too many for my own good, but they make me laugh and I never get tired of them. They're good girl bonding material too. Not because they make us think that's how love is or that's how relationships work out. It's Hollywood. Give us a little credit. We know it's not real. I've been through enough to know things never work out perfectly.
I enjoy immersing myself in a fantasy world every once in awhile though. It's okay to escape from reality sometimes. It's predictable and always has a happy ending. Life isn't/doesn't.
Unfortunately, there are those women who believe in the Hollywood romance. They believe that bad boys can be tamed and changed. No! You can't change anyone except yourself! Every girl dreams of a bad boy with a secret sensitive side. That just doesn't happen. Bad boys are the result of bad pasts and ignored issues. They won't change unless they decide to and more than often that doesn't happen. You can't wait around and hope that it does. That's not optimism. That's delusion. This isn't to say that there aren't men who will deal with their issues, but at this age especially, it's a rare thing.
I'll be honest, I have bought into the bad boy seduction on more than one occasion and it never led anywhere good...or even anywhere at all. My dad calls them "puppy dogs" that I "adopt." I think the best example is Harlan. Tall, dark, handsome...and addicted to drugs. It took him breaking up with me twice to realize that it would never work. He was too depressed and I didn't want to be in that place anymore. Plus after a guy screws you over twice, you tend to resent him. At some point he started to disgust me and that was the end of that. Not to say he's a bad person. He's a nice guy, but I didn't need to be involved in that shit. That's why I stopped dating until I got to college. 3 years seems long, but I was happy with my friends and hockey player crushes (again tall, dark, handsome).
I guess I didn't really have the epiphany until recently and I'm a lot happier now because of it. Everyone has issues and there is always someone in the world going through something similar to you or me. My biggest issue is fear of abandonment. I'm dealing with it. If I weren't I wouldn't have made all the wonderful friends I have this semester.
Recently my group of ladies and I just looked around at each other and said "wow. we have an exceptionally great group." I trust them more than I trust some people I've known for 5 years because they have shown me that they're interested in my life and they are there for me. The feeling is mutual. Last year I wondered if I would ever find those friends in college who would be lifetime buddies. This year I have. It all started when I was like "fuck it. this girl is transferring to USM too so I'm going to send her a message." Now Hallie and I share man issues, go to hockey games, movies and have lunch frequently. It's great. Ali, Jared, Kayla, Rick, Aaron and Ken followed that first risk....All great people.
Also I'm done putting up with bullshit. I can imagine almost all of you are thinking "finally!" I have my own agenda and schedule that I won't rearrange for anyone unless they are willing to do the same for me. I would drive to Katya's at any time day or night if she needed me and I know she would do the same for me. Same with Hallie, Kayla and Ali.
As for the men...well I guess I lost the head strong part of myself a bit this past summer, but I'm back! I want someone who appreciates me and isn't afraid to say so, who makes time for me, who's happy, who asks me on dates, who makes me laugh easily and who I can make laugh, who I feel comfortable with no matter what I'm saying or wearing...
I guess what I'm saying is there is no such thing as the perfect man. Perfect is subjective. But there are great guys who can make you happy. You just have to look. Don't let your bad history determine your future or think that you will always have bad luck. You can change that by staying optimistic and looking for that person who adds to your happiness. Not to say there is only one...I don't believe in soulmates. I certainly don't believe a man can make you happy either. You make yourself happy and find someone who adds to that.
This is dedicated to those friend who don't have the experience or optimism that I have. I hope you all find it though and I'll be here, as always, with my advice.
I own way too many for my own good, but they make me laugh and I never get tired of them. They're good girl bonding material too. Not because they make us think that's how love is or that's how relationships work out. It's Hollywood. Give us a little credit. We know it's not real. I've been through enough to know things never work out perfectly.
I enjoy immersing myself in a fantasy world every once in awhile though. It's okay to escape from reality sometimes. It's predictable and always has a happy ending. Life isn't/doesn't.
Unfortunately, there are those women who believe in the Hollywood romance. They believe that bad boys can be tamed and changed. No! You can't change anyone except yourself! Every girl dreams of a bad boy with a secret sensitive side. That just doesn't happen. Bad boys are the result of bad pasts and ignored issues. They won't change unless they decide to and more than often that doesn't happen. You can't wait around and hope that it does. That's not optimism. That's delusion. This isn't to say that there aren't men who will deal with their issues, but at this age especially, it's a rare thing.
I'll be honest, I have bought into the bad boy seduction on more than one occasion and it never led anywhere good...or even anywhere at all. My dad calls them "puppy dogs" that I "adopt." I think the best example is Harlan. Tall, dark, handsome...and addicted to drugs. It took him breaking up with me twice to realize that it would never work. He was too depressed and I didn't want to be in that place anymore. Plus after a guy screws you over twice, you tend to resent him. At some point he started to disgust me and that was the end of that. Not to say he's a bad person. He's a nice guy, but I didn't need to be involved in that shit. That's why I stopped dating until I got to college. 3 years seems long, but I was happy with my friends and hockey player crushes (again tall, dark, handsome).
I guess I didn't really have the epiphany until recently and I'm a lot happier now because of it. Everyone has issues and there is always someone in the world going through something similar to you or me. My biggest issue is fear of abandonment. I'm dealing with it. If I weren't I wouldn't have made all the wonderful friends I have this semester.
Recently my group of ladies and I just looked around at each other and said "wow. we have an exceptionally great group." I trust them more than I trust some people I've known for 5 years because they have shown me that they're interested in my life and they are there for me. The feeling is mutual. Last year I wondered if I would ever find those friends in college who would be lifetime buddies. This year I have. It all started when I was like "fuck it. this girl is transferring to USM too so I'm going to send her a message." Now Hallie and I share man issues, go to hockey games, movies and have lunch frequently. It's great. Ali, Jared, Kayla, Rick, Aaron and Ken followed that first risk....All great people.
Also I'm done putting up with bullshit. I can imagine almost all of you are thinking "finally!" I have my own agenda and schedule that I won't rearrange for anyone unless they are willing to do the same for me. I would drive to Katya's at any time day or night if she needed me and I know she would do the same for me. Same with Hallie, Kayla and Ali.
As for the men...well I guess I lost the head strong part of myself a bit this past summer, but I'm back! I want someone who appreciates me and isn't afraid to say so, who makes time for me, who's happy, who asks me on dates, who makes me laugh easily and who I can make laugh, who I feel comfortable with no matter what I'm saying or wearing...
I guess what I'm saying is there is no such thing as the perfect man. Perfect is subjective. But there are great guys who can make you happy. You just have to look. Don't let your bad history determine your future or think that you will always have bad luck. You can change that by staying optimistic and looking for that person who adds to your happiness. Not to say there is only one...I don't believe in soulmates. I certainly don't believe a man can make you happy either. You make yourself happy and find someone who adds to that.
This is dedicated to those friend who don't have the experience or optimism that I have. I hope you all find it though and I'll be here, as always, with my advice.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
One Of A Kind...Or 2?
Let's say there are these 2 brothers. Well there are really 3, but the oldest is an "asshole." The middle is in his mid 20's and the youngest is a couple years older than me. They both drink. However, the older one seems to have mastered drinking responsibly or simply outgrown the college guy party all the time stage. The younger one is still going through that stage. They're both funny and laid back. Don't mind making fun of themselves. Protective of friends and loved ones. They are both physically attractive. The younger is tall and slim, while the older is husky and the essence of manly-minus-the-caveman-persona. They are both the sweetest guys known to earth, but not pathetic in a clingy-overly-romantic way. The elder one is single, for some unknown reason, but the younger one has been in a relationship for 3 years.
Sounds too good to be true, huh? Well it's not. To be honest, I still can't believe guys like that exist. I had this talk with my mom yesterday. I mean I can believe that they exist somewhere, but that I, personally, know guys like that...It's crazy. It seems to me those are the best type of male friends or lovers that anyone could ask for.
My point is this: It's weird how life turns out. How I could be so lucky, when such a good friend, who's an amazing person is stuck with her feelings about a guy she can't really have...at the moment. I'll stop there because I don't want to get too much into details that would make it even more obvious.
Sounds too good to be true, huh? Well it's not. To be honest, I still can't believe guys like that exist. I had this talk with my mom yesterday. I mean I can believe that they exist somewhere, but that I, personally, know guys like that...It's crazy. It seems to me those are the best type of male friends or lovers that anyone could ask for.
My point is this: It's weird how life turns out. How I could be so lucky, when such a good friend, who's an amazing person is stuck with her feelings about a guy she can't really have...at the moment. I'll stop there because I don't want to get too much into details that would make it even more obvious.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friends
I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. It seems to me that I have the greatest friends. My parents constantly say I have good taste in friends and my friends constantly prove them right. My dad said maybe not so much in guys, but I think he's wrong, so we'll ignore that.
My favorite/best friends are loyal, insightful, caring, funny, silly, crazy, honest or some assortment of those traits. Recently I realized none of them are as headstrong as I am or at least not to me. Can you imagine a duplicate of me? I would probably kill her for standing up to me about everything. It's not a bad thing though. At times they make decisions too.
But take for example, last thursday. We were discussing what to have Kenny buy at Hannaford. One friend wanted rum and coke. Another one wanted vodka. But they kept saying they would go with either. So eventually I had to step in and decide on rum and pepsi and juice (so the vodka preference wouldn't taste the rum). That took about 15 minutes to decide by the way.
Anyway, I love these people because they make me laugh and feel okay when I'm sad, which isn't often lately. (by lately I mean in the past week) At this moment Ali is being distraught (jokingly) about not being on 'My Top Followers' list and Hallie is determined to be #1 on that list (she's 2nd). It's quite hilarious and you know what else make me laugh? A man who is secure enough to make fun of his own Maine accent and himself. :-)
My favorite/best friends are loyal, insightful, caring, funny, silly, crazy, honest or some assortment of those traits. Recently I realized none of them are as headstrong as I am or at least not to me. Can you imagine a duplicate of me? I would probably kill her for standing up to me about everything. It's not a bad thing though. At times they make decisions too.
But take for example, last thursday. We were discussing what to have Kenny buy at Hannaford. One friend wanted rum and coke. Another one wanted vodka. But they kept saying they would go with either. So eventually I had to step in and decide on rum and pepsi and juice (so the vodka preference wouldn't taste the rum). That took about 15 minutes to decide by the way.
Anyway, I love these people because they make me laugh and feel okay when I'm sad, which isn't often lately. (by lately I mean in the past week) At this moment Ali is being distraught (jokingly) about not being on 'My Top Followers' list and Hallie is determined to be #1 on that list (she's 2nd). It's quite hilarious and you know what else make me laugh? A man who is secure enough to make fun of his own Maine accent and himself. :-)
Change
Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not.
Over the past year and a half I've witnessed a young man hit rock bottom. After graduation, he took a year off and that's when I met him. He was a nice guy with a sense of humor. The only guy I knew at the time who didn't drink. Then he decided to join the army. I never said anything about it. It wasn't my place. He would frequently text me from boot camp even though it wasn't allowed. I can't bring myself to repeat some of the things he told me, but I can understand why they fucked him up. It changed him little by little. He grew colder and more distant. Then out of the blue, he wanted more from me. Of course I said no. Now a year and a half later, he's back in Maine and wants to party...That's a no.
I guess the reason I'm telling this story is because this isn't what I want. I told Katya this story this weekend, which I probably haven't ever told anyone.
This brings up another topic for me. I have just paused after the last short paragraph for about half an hour. Yes, I'm watching tv, but it's not that. I tend to stop talking and stop typing when I have a million thoughts running through my head or I have something I want to say, but I'm not sure how or if I should say it.
I guess to put it bluntly. I have high expectations, but I know they're possible. I've been shown that they are. I've been told before, but I guess you have to see it to believe it sometimes.
On a separate note, 2012 was amazing. I just saw a preview for it on tv, which reminded me. Just that made me tear up. Katya and I were both crying throughout the movie. My stomach hurt afterward because I had been tense the whole 2 hours. The random guys next to us were freaking out and crying too. I was shaking and sobbing quietly at one point. Katya and I kept clutching each other because it was so intense. The acting isn't the best ever, but John Cusack is great. I guess I had such a strong reaction to it not because I put myself into that scenario and realized
A. Everyone I know and love and I would die because we're not rich enough to afford to live.
B. How cruel humans can be
C. How selfless humans can be
D. Everything I haven't achieved yet, but want
I guess in those extreme situations you get to see who people really are. For the record, I don't believe the world will end in 2012, but it's an interesting situation.
Last but not least, I had a dream about owning dogs again...then I woke up, realized I don't own a dog and was sad.
Over the past year and a half I've witnessed a young man hit rock bottom. After graduation, he took a year off and that's when I met him. He was a nice guy with a sense of humor. The only guy I knew at the time who didn't drink. Then he decided to join the army. I never said anything about it. It wasn't my place. He would frequently text me from boot camp even though it wasn't allowed. I can't bring myself to repeat some of the things he told me, but I can understand why they fucked him up. It changed him little by little. He grew colder and more distant. Then out of the blue, he wanted more from me. Of course I said no. Now a year and a half later, he's back in Maine and wants to party...That's a no.
I guess the reason I'm telling this story is because this isn't what I want. I told Katya this story this weekend, which I probably haven't ever told anyone.
This brings up another topic for me. I have just paused after the last short paragraph for about half an hour. Yes, I'm watching tv, but it's not that. I tend to stop talking and stop typing when I have a million thoughts running through my head or I have something I want to say, but I'm not sure how or if I should say it.
I guess to put it bluntly. I have high expectations, but I know they're possible. I've been shown that they are. I've been told before, but I guess you have to see it to believe it sometimes.
On a separate note, 2012 was amazing. I just saw a preview for it on tv, which reminded me. Just that made me tear up. Katya and I were both crying throughout the movie. My stomach hurt afterward because I had been tense the whole 2 hours. The random guys next to us were freaking out and crying too. I was shaking and sobbing quietly at one point. Katya and I kept clutching each other because it was so intense. The acting isn't the best ever, but John Cusack is great. I guess I had such a strong reaction to it not because I put myself into that scenario and realized
A. Everyone I know and love and I would die because we're not rich enough to afford to live.
B. How cruel humans can be
C. How selfless humans can be
D. Everything I haven't achieved yet, but want
I guess in those extreme situations you get to see who people really are. For the record, I don't believe the world will end in 2012, but it's an interesting situation.
Last but not least, I had a dream about owning dogs again...then I woke up, realized I don't own a dog and was sad.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I Want
So I've finally sobered up. Things started getting messed up, so I had to sober up and become mother hen. I left the room we were all hanging out in because, honestly, I don't want to be in the same room as a couple. They're adorable and all, but really, I don't need to hear him saying how much he loves her every 5 seconds. Am I bitter? Yes. Why? I'm gonna say it finally. I want a boyfriend. That's what I'm looking for. I used to be the girl who would flirt with guys and then walk away and that was fulfilling. Now it's not. Now I want a sweet guy who isn't distant or pathetic. Maybe I've found him? I was disappointed because he didn't come to the party tonight. That's okay though. Tomorrow I'm going to party with my best friend!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Pride and Prejudice
How many little girls grow up thinking they can have a perfect life? Many. Starting with the Disney books being read by parents where the prince is heroic and gorgeous and "earns" the beautiful princess. Then there are the Disney movies, barbie marriages, and playing "house." Big expectations from a very early age.
When are those expectations dashed? For a very few, never. For me? Probably third grade. There was this boy. He was older and well..it didn't work out. That's okay though because he was a bit of a jerk. This isn't to say I have no hope in mankind. Not true at all. I just don't expect a knight in shining armor. Until this week, I didn't even realize that there are guys who still hold doors and walk you to your car (a conversation my dad and I had).
I'm currently watching Pride and Prejudice. So good. It's the ultimate girls fantasy. Speaking of movies, I saw the Invention of Lying today. It was a lot better than I expected. Ricky Gervais is great as usual. I also poked Richard in the eye by mistake, but that's okay. I thought it was hilarious.
When are those expectations dashed? For a very few, never. For me? Probably third grade. There was this boy. He was older and well..it didn't work out. That's okay though because he was a bit of a jerk. This isn't to say I have no hope in mankind. Not true at all. I just don't expect a knight in shining armor. Until this week, I didn't even realize that there are guys who still hold doors and walk you to your car (a conversation my dad and I had).
I'm currently watching Pride and Prejudice. So good. It's the ultimate girls fantasy. Speaking of movies, I saw the Invention of Lying today. It was a lot better than I expected. Ricky Gervais is great as usual. I also poked Richard in the eye by mistake, but that's okay. I thought it was hilarious.
Monday, November 9, 2009
A
So I went over this with my professor today. She said it's an A, but I don't actually turn it in until the end of the semester. I kind of love it. Take it as you will...
Bottoms Up
He perceives the world
From the bottom of a beer bottle, up
Through golden liquor
Sloshing unsteadily
Gaze rises
To bottleneck window
A Golden filter,
frames the scene
Bubbling laughter
Sunny smiles.
Rowdy company
Shouts “cheers!”
Heat of the moment
Heat of the liquor
Relax his shoulders, slump
Dull flames weave through his body,
Burying his reason
Among empty brown glasses
Late night memories fade…
As shards fracture and
Shoot through the window
Bright beams assail two pupils
Temples elicit throbs
Until, shattering glass fills his dark matter
His empty stomach rebels,
Gut rejecting stale beer
Head ducked between knees
He stands, swaying
Silence fills empty space between, discarded brown glasses
Shower, coffee, brunch:
Bottoms Up
He perceives the world
From the bottom of a beer bottle, up
Through golden liquor
Sloshing unsteadily
Gaze rises
To bottleneck window
A Golden filter,
frames the scene
Bubbling laughter
Sunny smiles.
Rowdy company
Shouts “cheers!”
Heat of the moment
Heat of the liquor
Relax his shoulders, slump
Dull flames weave through his body,
Burying his reason
Among empty brown glasses
Late night memories fade…
As shards fracture and
Shoot through the window
Bright beams assail two pupils
Temples elicit throbs
Until, shattering glass fills his dark matter
His empty stomach rebels,
Gut rejecting stale beer
Head ducked between knees
He stands, swaying
Silence fills empty space between, discarded brown glasses
Shower, coffee, brunch:
Is There Somebody Who Still Believes In Love?
Is there somebody who still believes in love?
I know you’re out there
There’s got to be somebody
I search around the world
But I can’t seem to find
Somebody to love
I love this song. So catchy. But today I realized I actually do relate to it, which sucks. I can certainly understand why someone posted the lyrics. It must suck to be famous or semi famous in regard to that. I wouldn't want that. That's what I've been thinking for the past couple of weeks anyway. Today I had my realization though. How do you find something real when men don't look past your beauty. You want me to make myself ugly to find that? Fuck that. I do have a brain though (maybe it's prettier than yours too).
I wish for once a guy would appreciate me for all of me. I'm tired seeing guys stop and stare when I walk past everyday. Today I was walking up the stairs to my exam, when I saw a guy standing against the window on a phone. He was attractive, but I didn't really care. I only glanced at him, but apparently it was enough to make him forget he was talking on the phone. I continued on my way, only laughing when I reached the right floor. That kind of thing happens every day at least once. Do I get tired of it? No, but I want more.
What is it going to take? Are older guys the only one's capable of seeing past that? This is something completely new. A guy who is willing to make time for me if I say yes? 2 guys even. I don't have to schedule myself around a guy who might or might not have time for me just to see if he might want something more at some point that could be either soon or in awhile or never? There are guys who value and want my time? What is this?!
Somehow I have more questions than answers, but that's going to change. I need some stability and clarity.
Is that asking too much? I think not. Does it have to be a choice though? I want it all and I'm determined to get it.
(Note: This post is basically everything that has been running through my head today and this weekend, so if it seems like string of thought...it is.)
Also. WHERE THE HELL IS NATHAN GERBE?! He disappeared from earth or something.
I know you’re out there
There’s got to be somebody
I search around the world
But I can’t seem to find
Somebody to love
I love this song. So catchy. But today I realized I actually do relate to it, which sucks. I can certainly understand why someone posted the lyrics. It must suck to be famous or semi famous in regard to that. I wouldn't want that. That's what I've been thinking for the past couple of weeks anyway. Today I had my realization though. How do you find something real when men don't look past your beauty. You want me to make myself ugly to find that? Fuck that. I do have a brain though (maybe it's prettier than yours too).
I wish for once a guy would appreciate me for all of me. I'm tired seeing guys stop and stare when I walk past everyday. Today I was walking up the stairs to my exam, when I saw a guy standing against the window on a phone. He was attractive, but I didn't really care. I only glanced at him, but apparently it was enough to make him forget he was talking on the phone. I continued on my way, only laughing when I reached the right floor. That kind of thing happens every day at least once. Do I get tired of it? No, but I want more.
What is it going to take? Are older guys the only one's capable of seeing past that? This is something completely new. A guy who is willing to make time for me if I say yes? 2 guys even. I don't have to schedule myself around a guy who might or might not have time for me just to see if he might want something more at some point that could be either soon or in awhile or never? There are guys who value and want my time? What is this?!
Somehow I have more questions than answers, but that's going to change. I need some stability and clarity.
Is that asking too much? I think not. Does it have to be a choice though? I want it all and I'm determined to get it.
(Note: This post is basically everything that has been running through my head today and this weekend, so if it seems like string of thought...it is.)
Also. WHERE THE HELL IS NATHAN GERBE?! He disappeared from earth or something.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Enough
I've had enough.
I like clear and concise. Neils taught me that. Yes I just related this blog to a Waynflete teacher. Deal.
I like clear and concise. Neils taught me that. Yes I just related this blog to a Waynflete teacher. Deal.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
New York
Today in the middle of my first class I found myself panicking about going to New York tomorrow. I've never had a panic attack, but that's the closest I've ever been. I managed to write down the notes although I didn't hear a thing the professor was saying. My heart rate sky rocketed and I was nearly hyperventilating. I felt like I might faint. Luckily I didn't. I'm not the sort of girl who faints. That would be super embarrassing.
I spent my next class contemplating why I didn't want to go to New York and why I had decided to agree in the first place. I thought I could handle the grand New York wedding and I didn't like the idea of my mom going alone. I felt guilty that my dad backed out, even though he had a perfectly good reason. That makes no sense, I know. I guess I get the feeling that I need to take care of everyone and it's just too much and it's really not my job. This is probably why I didn't tell my mom that I really didn't want to go earlier. Then I remembered. It's a little harsh, but I believe my first duty is to myself (I just rarely act on it). If I can't help myself, then how the hell can I be there for other people?
So here it is plain and simple. I hate New York.
- The city and the areas around it. First, there is the class thing that makes me uncomfortable. Why would I want to be somewhere where everyone has more than I do and most of them take it for granted? I'm not saying I'm poor. Most definitely not and I'm thankful for everything I have. Status is everything in New York. You're either high class, too weird to classify, or in the slums. My people tend to be in the slums. My friends tend to be "too weird" which is not too weird for me. I love them for it.
- I hate how uptight people are, the shallowness, and the lack of community. Sure you all come together for the Yankees but when that's over? Couldn't care less about each other. Yes this is a generalization. Not everyone is like that, but from what I've seen and experienced, enough are like that for me not to want to go back.
-I feel alone in New York. In this situation especially. I don't know the family of the people getting married that well and they kind of fit into the catagories above. They're nice enough, but I would never feel comfortable round them. I guess my dad and I have that in common. My mom would be going, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel alone there still. I mean she lived there for awhile and like she said "I'm a New Yorker." More on the weird side, which is good, but I don't want to be alone with a bunch of New Yorkers. At least she knows the family. Everyone there knows the family. I'm just tagged along for the ride.
Why should I put myself through that? I could spend the weekend here getting work done and doing what I want to do to destress. I have a paper due tuesday, writing and redrafting due monday, a test on tuesday, another test monday etc. I'd rather not be getting ready for everything sunday when I get home. I'm not great at studying in cars and I sure as hell won't be able to study in New York.
At this point, I'm refresjed and determined to get back to where I was 11 days ago. I will fight through whatever to get back to that point. My life could be worse, but isn't and won't be. I get knocked down sometimes or I knock myself down, but I never forget to pick myself back up. Get discouraged? Sometimes, but then I remember why it's worth it. The rest of today is going to be fucking fabulous. Okay I'm done. You're all great!
P.S. Somebody to Love is in the process of being made into a music video! Now I see why Gerbe liked it. It's about a girl who has fame and everything, but can't find anyone to share her life with because how will she know if the men are using her for her money/body/fame or not? I can imagine it would be difficult for the Gerber Baby as well. I just like the song...
I spent my next class contemplating why I didn't want to go to New York and why I had decided to agree in the first place. I thought I could handle the grand New York wedding and I didn't like the idea of my mom going alone. I felt guilty that my dad backed out, even though he had a perfectly good reason. That makes no sense, I know. I guess I get the feeling that I need to take care of everyone and it's just too much and it's really not my job. This is probably why I didn't tell my mom that I really didn't want to go earlier. Then I remembered. It's a little harsh, but I believe my first duty is to myself (I just rarely act on it). If I can't help myself, then how the hell can I be there for other people?
So here it is plain and simple. I hate New York.
- The city and the areas around it. First, there is the class thing that makes me uncomfortable. Why would I want to be somewhere where everyone has more than I do and most of them take it for granted? I'm not saying I'm poor. Most definitely not and I'm thankful for everything I have. Status is everything in New York. You're either high class, too weird to classify, or in the slums. My people tend to be in the slums. My friends tend to be "too weird" which is not too weird for me. I love them for it.
- I hate how uptight people are, the shallowness, and the lack of community. Sure you all come together for the Yankees but when that's over? Couldn't care less about each other. Yes this is a generalization. Not everyone is like that, but from what I've seen and experienced, enough are like that for me not to want to go back.
-I feel alone in New York. In this situation especially. I don't know the family of the people getting married that well and they kind of fit into the catagories above. They're nice enough, but I would never feel comfortable round them. I guess my dad and I have that in common. My mom would be going, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel alone there still. I mean she lived there for awhile and like she said "I'm a New Yorker." More on the weird side, which is good, but I don't want to be alone with a bunch of New Yorkers. At least she knows the family. Everyone there knows the family. I'm just tagged along for the ride.
Why should I put myself through that? I could spend the weekend here getting work done and doing what I want to do to destress. I have a paper due tuesday, writing and redrafting due monday, a test on tuesday, another test monday etc. I'd rather not be getting ready for everything sunday when I get home. I'm not great at studying in cars and I sure as hell won't be able to study in New York.
At this point, I'm refresjed and determined to get back to where I was 11 days ago. I will fight through whatever to get back to that point. My life could be worse, but isn't and won't be. I get knocked down sometimes or I knock myself down, but I never forget to pick myself back up. Get discouraged? Sometimes, but then I remember why it's worth it. The rest of today is going to be fucking fabulous. Okay I'm done. You're all great!
P.S. Somebody to Love is in the process of being made into a music video! Now I see why Gerbe liked it. It's about a girl who has fame and everything, but can't find anyone to share her life with because how will she know if the men are using her for her money/body/fame or not? I can imagine it would be difficult for the Gerber Baby as well. I just like the song...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Just Like Old Times
Not really though. My grandmother half raised me because my mom was always away and my dad went to work when I was little. She taught me how to bake the best cookies in the world, always gave my dessert in the afternoon and after dinner (we never told my mom), how to multiply and do long division...She's kind of the ultimate grandmother (I call her nana). She's nothing if not feisty, out going and strong minded. Today she told me how she convinced her husband to marry her. She said something along the lines of "Ask me to marry you or we're done dating." I found that hilarious and it sounds like all the women in our family really, even on my mom's side. We're independent "do it or get out" kind of women.
Today I went over to fill out a book of memories with her. I've been putting it off for a few weeks and I feel bad about that. Really I've been seeing her less and less. When I transferred back to Maine, I thought I'd be seeing her more frequently. Physically it's not that difficult. I have time. Emotionally it's hard. She's 94 and doing pretty well for that age, but in my mind I have this image of her from 10 years ago. The difference is shocking. The fact is that she's doing okay, but something could happen suddenly and she could be gone. It was hard enough losing Granny (my mom's mother) and it was even harder seeing my mom cry for a year. Nana has been a much bigger part of my life though and I can't imagine her not being there anymore. So when I left I cried all the way home and I've been feeling crappy since then.
Doesn't help that my plans didn't work out today and of course that yes on 1 went through. Lunch was good, but I need something to pick me up again. And some dinner. Damn you parents for not being here tonight to cook for me!
Today I went over to fill out a book of memories with her. I've been putting it off for a few weeks and I feel bad about that. Really I've been seeing her less and less. When I transferred back to Maine, I thought I'd be seeing her more frequently. Physically it's not that difficult. I have time. Emotionally it's hard. She's 94 and doing pretty well for that age, but in my mind I have this image of her from 10 years ago. The difference is shocking. The fact is that she's doing okay, but something could happen suddenly and she could be gone. It was hard enough losing Granny (my mom's mother) and it was even harder seeing my mom cry for a year. Nana has been a much bigger part of my life though and I can't imagine her not being there anymore. So when I left I cried all the way home and I've been feeling crappy since then.
Doesn't help that my plans didn't work out today and of course that yes on 1 went through. Lunch was good, but I need something to pick me up again. And some dinner. Damn you parents for not being here tonight to cook for me!
No One 1
By now everyone knows that's how I voted and I'm happy to say that all of my friends voted No also, unless you didn't say you voted yes. I'm sorry to see that No One 1 has pretty much lost. My family and I predicted that, but we had hope anyway. It breaks my heart to see that there is still so much inequality, but I won't lose hope. I am, afterall, an optimist.
I may not be a lesbian or bisexual, but I know what it's like to be a minority and my people are still fighting for equality. Everyone deserves equal rights. It will take a long to to achieve that, but every day we work toward it is one day closer. This isn't the end. There will be more chances to vote for equality. Getting angry is not the answer. Why would the opposition listen to angry people who are ranting about their feelings? We must continue to organize and be patient. We must understand what makes them believe being homosexual and giving homosexuals equal rights is wrong, before we can show them why it is wrong. Don't be angry with all of Maine because many people here support equality. Don't be angry. Learn and keep your courage up.
Optimism is a key to success.
I may not be a lesbian or bisexual, but I know what it's like to be a minority and my people are still fighting for equality. Everyone deserves equal rights. It will take a long to to achieve that, but every day we work toward it is one day closer. This isn't the end. There will be more chances to vote for equality. Getting angry is not the answer. Why would the opposition listen to angry people who are ranting about their feelings? We must continue to organize and be patient. We must understand what makes them believe being homosexual and giving homosexuals equal rights is wrong, before we can show them why it is wrong. Don't be angry with all of Maine because many people here support equality. Don't be angry. Learn and keep your courage up.
Optimism is a key to success.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Should We Be So Honest?
I was talking with a friend recently (as in a couple minutes ago) about wanting to know a guy she likes to tell her he likes her before she . So I thought it would be a good topic to cover tonight. It can be quite confusing.
This is certainly a topic I've had personal experience and I can honestly say I've heard all of my girl friends say the same thing. Once upon a time guys were expected to make the first move. Once upon a time women couldn't vote and had to take care of the children. Things change. So has this. Sometimes I wonder if it hasn't gone the other way. So many guys are not forthcoming and there isn't just one reason for that. It's not all the same for each one either.
Believe me, there have been so many times when I just wanted to shake a guy and yell "say it already!" But I refrained each time...Let's be honest sometimes it's needed, but being to honest too soon could also scare the guy off. There's a delicate balance.
(I'm gonna keep this short since I'm multitasking right now and my brain is a little fuzzy due to lack of sleep)
At this point in our lives, it should take time to get to the point of entering a relationship. We're not in middle school. It's not his friend told her friend that he liked her and her friend told his friend that she likes him so he asked her to "go out" and suddenly they're in a "relationship." There a process of getting to know one another. A problem I have is that I tend to figure the other person out way before they figure me out.
Patience is key and waiting can be the hardest thing to do, but sometimes it's necessary. I have to point out that there are times when a guy is not worth the wait. I guess every one has to figure that out for themselves, but it's nice to get advice sometimes. I wouldn't claim to know it all. Not even close. I know what I know and so far it's done me pretty well.
Wow I managed to finish this blog without really bringing my own situation into it. Yay!
On a separate note, I voted today! Yay! I really hope No on 1 passes.
This is certainly a topic I've had personal experience and I can honestly say I've heard all of my girl friends say the same thing. Once upon a time guys were expected to make the first move. Once upon a time women couldn't vote and had to take care of the children. Things change. So has this. Sometimes I wonder if it hasn't gone the other way. So many guys are not forthcoming and there isn't just one reason for that. It's not all the same for each one either.
Believe me, there have been so many times when I just wanted to shake a guy and yell "say it already!" But I refrained each time...Let's be honest sometimes it's needed, but being to honest too soon could also scare the guy off. There's a delicate balance.
(I'm gonna keep this short since I'm multitasking right now and my brain is a little fuzzy due to lack of sleep)
At this point in our lives, it should take time to get to the point of entering a relationship. We're not in middle school. It's not his friend told her friend that he liked her and her friend told his friend that she likes him so he asked her to "go out" and suddenly they're in a "relationship." There a process of getting to know one another. A problem I have is that I tend to figure the other person out way before they figure me out.
Patience is key and waiting can be the hardest thing to do, but sometimes it's necessary. I have to point out that there are times when a guy is not worth the wait. I guess every one has to figure that out for themselves, but it's nice to get advice sometimes. I wouldn't claim to know it all. Not even close. I know what I know and so far it's done me pretty well.
Wow I managed to finish this blog without really bringing my own situation into it. Yay!
On a separate note, I voted today! Yay! I really hope No on 1 passes.
Bottles and Writing
It's odd, because bottles tend to turn up in my writing lately. I'm not sure why, but they seem to work well. I haven't had a writing frenzy like this since senior year of high school. My best piece back then was about a guy I thought I loved. Everyone who has read it likes it, but I don't show it to many people. It's nothing profound. Simply about a walk in Washington DC and a hug that meant the world to me. Ironically he hugged me again when we ran into each other recently and it was just a hug. Didn't have any meaning to me. I think most people know who this is, if not, I can't say it here because you would probably know him or someone related to him.
Anyway, hugs are nice. I like hugs, especially the long kind.
We have moved on from poetry to short stories in class. I love the piece I just created. Unfortunately it hits a little too close to home and is a little too obviously related to someone to post here. So why would I be willing to share it with a class of strangers? Well they don't know it's based in reality and they don't know who it would relate to. So it's safe.
I wrote it awhile ago. Maybe early September? But I had to edit it to fit the assignment tonight. It was really difficult. I had to put on my sad playlist. Still, I couldn't go to that place I was at back then. I couldn't feel it. But I could still put myself in the other character's place. Isn't that weird? It makes me wonder if I have changed since then. I will say that the end is the only part that is not real, but if it were real, the conversation would sound almost identical to the one I wrote...almost. Craziness.
Craziness...I like that word.
I should sleep, but can't.
I also feel impulsive and the fact that I haven't given everything I've written away is pretty amazing. So stopping now, because I really want to say...stuff. Stopping. Now.
Voting No on 1!!!!!
Anyway, hugs are nice. I like hugs, especially the long kind.
We have moved on from poetry to short stories in class. I love the piece I just created. Unfortunately it hits a little too close to home and is a little too obviously related to someone to post here. So why would I be willing to share it with a class of strangers? Well they don't know it's based in reality and they don't know who it would relate to. So it's safe.
I wrote it awhile ago. Maybe early September? But I had to edit it to fit the assignment tonight. It was really difficult. I had to put on my sad playlist. Still, I couldn't go to that place I was at back then. I couldn't feel it. But I could still put myself in the other character's place. Isn't that weird? It makes me wonder if I have changed since then. I will say that the end is the only part that is not real, but if it were real, the conversation would sound almost identical to the one I wrote...almost. Craziness.
Craziness...I like that word.
I should sleep, but can't.
I also feel impulsive and the fact that I haven't given everything I've written away is pretty amazing. So stopping now, because I really want to say...stuff. Stopping. Now.
Voting No on 1!!!!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Knocked Up
That would be the movie I'm watching right now. It makes me laugh. I should probably go to bed though. Oh well. Speaking of knocked up. Every girl has at least one scare like that I guess. Some one close to me had a scare like that. Granted it was this past summer, but I just found out today and it...shocked me. Anyway there's a great addition to everything else i'm worried about.
I've been meaning to write about chuckage and the "mothering" instinct. Not as in mother child though. I was recently talking with a friend about her relationship with her boyfriend (in fact I'm talking to her now). She mentioned that she had a strong motherly-like urge. Not like being a mother, but that urge women have to take care of someone they care about. For example, she was driving to the airport when her boyfriend felt sick. She said she had the sudden urge to get there as fast as possible and all that. I found that conversation ironic, because a few days later guess who gets sick? My reaction: Holy shit I have to do something. I guess it's a careful balance, because you don't want to seem like the mother, but you care so...Yeah it's weird. We're an odd gender, but so are men.
Meanwhile talking to Jared has been helpful today also. He seems to be one of the few who understands stuff.
Today I also agreed to go skydiving next summer with a friend I met 9 days ago. This is crazy. I can't believe I agreed to it. Funny part is that his name is Jared and he looks similar to Luke. I just think that's funny for whatever reason.
I'll end with my favorite part of the movie:
Pete:"never do what they did(one night stand)"
Daughter:"i'm gonna do it"
Pete:"you are? uh oh...someone's getting homeschooled"
I've been meaning to write about chuckage and the "mothering" instinct. Not as in mother child though. I was recently talking with a friend about her relationship with her boyfriend (in fact I'm talking to her now). She mentioned that she had a strong motherly-like urge. Not like being a mother, but that urge women have to take care of someone they care about. For example, she was driving to the airport when her boyfriend felt sick. She said she had the sudden urge to get there as fast as possible and all that. I found that conversation ironic, because a few days later guess who gets sick? My reaction: Holy shit I have to do something. I guess it's a careful balance, because you don't want to seem like the mother, but you care so...Yeah it's weird. We're an odd gender, but so are men.
Meanwhile talking to Jared has been helpful today also. He seems to be one of the few who understands stuff.
Today I also agreed to go skydiving next summer with a friend I met 9 days ago. This is crazy. I can't believe I agreed to it. Funny part is that his name is Jared and he looks similar to Luke. I just think that's funny for whatever reason.
I'll end with my favorite part of the movie:
Pete:"never do what they did(one night stand)"
Daughter:"i'm gonna do it"
Pete:"you are? uh oh...someone's getting homeschooled"
The Holidays
Now that Halloween is over, it's finally time for all of the holidays to begin.
Pause for a second - new subject. I'm watching Miss Congeniality 2 right now. It always upsets me that Eric broke up with her. What a jerk with all those commitment issues. I like my movies with happy endings thank you...or horror movies :-)
Anyway, Thanksgiving is up next. I love food. I love turkey, stuffing and gravy. It's gonna be weird not having Krystal around for the holidays this year. She was always there. We would put her in her little orange vest so she wouldn't get shot by hunters at the cabin. My family's tradition is to make our meal at the cabin.
Then of course there is Channukah. I'll either get a few little gifts or 1 big one. We take out all of our menorah's. Believe me, we have quite collection. Some belonged to my mothers mother, some my mother bought, I got a beautiful glass one with the tree of life on it for my Bat Mitzvah, and of course there is my favorite, the one I made from clay when I was 3. We're going to have our annual Channukah/Holiday party.
Then Christmas. True I don't actually celebrate it because I'm Jewish, but since we still have traditions and my dad is christian, we go through the motions. My dad and nana haven't gone to church in awhile, because it's a big effort for nana. I feel kind of bad about not going to church with them on the rare occasions they do go, but I just feel so uncomfortable there. I always have. Considering it's based around Jesus and I don't believe the messiah has come yet...little awkward. (Lil bit about Easter - We usually go to church on Easter. Most uncomfortable part: mum and me staying in the pew while everyone else goes up for communion) But it's a nice family time. We buy a tree, decorate it. Then there's the snow. I missed that so much in New York. Along with my puppy hopping through it like a jack rabbit. She was the cutest thing ever.
And of course, the music. I love listening to Christmas songs. You don't even understand. I have 102 christmas songs and I add more every year. My favorite song has been All I Want For Christmas Is You By Mariah Carey for years. Most years it has applied to someone. Since sophomore year at least. Such a happy song...unless it's not.
So I guess at this point, you all have figured out that I'm a romantic. Not a side that I show really. Kind of goes along with my sweet side. You're probably think wait...she has a sweet side? what is this? Mostly I show it in small ways and hope no one notices!
Okay time to go to Bingas with dad! Yay!
I bet you $10 that he's going to bring Luke up again
Oh, Halloween was great! Pirates lost, but that's okay. It was still fun! Horror movies + Melted chocolate fight with Jared + Giggle Fest= Awesome!
For those of you who know how bad my aim is, I hit Jared right between the eyes with a hershey bar in the dark! woo! :-)
Pause for a second - new subject. I'm watching Miss Congeniality 2 right now. It always upsets me that Eric broke up with her. What a jerk with all those commitment issues. I like my movies with happy endings thank you...or horror movies :-)
Anyway, Thanksgiving is up next. I love food. I love turkey, stuffing and gravy. It's gonna be weird not having Krystal around for the holidays this year. She was always there. We would put her in her little orange vest so she wouldn't get shot by hunters at the cabin. My family's tradition is to make our meal at the cabin.
Then of course there is Channukah. I'll either get a few little gifts or 1 big one. We take out all of our menorah's. Believe me, we have quite collection. Some belonged to my mothers mother, some my mother bought, I got a beautiful glass one with the tree of life on it for my Bat Mitzvah, and of course there is my favorite, the one I made from clay when I was 3. We're going to have our annual Channukah/Holiday party.
Then Christmas. True I don't actually celebrate it because I'm Jewish, but since we still have traditions and my dad is christian, we go through the motions. My dad and nana haven't gone to church in awhile, because it's a big effort for nana. I feel kind of bad about not going to church with them on the rare occasions they do go, but I just feel so uncomfortable there. I always have. Considering it's based around Jesus and I don't believe the messiah has come yet...little awkward. (Lil bit about Easter - We usually go to church on Easter. Most uncomfortable part: mum and me staying in the pew while everyone else goes up for communion) But it's a nice family time. We buy a tree, decorate it. Then there's the snow. I missed that so much in New York. Along with my puppy hopping through it like a jack rabbit. She was the cutest thing ever.
And of course, the music. I love listening to Christmas songs. You don't even understand. I have 102 christmas songs and I add more every year. My favorite song has been All I Want For Christmas Is You By Mariah Carey for years. Most years it has applied to someone. Since sophomore year at least. Such a happy song...unless it's not.
So I guess at this point, you all have figured out that I'm a romantic. Not a side that I show really. Kind of goes along with my sweet side. You're probably think wait...she has a sweet side? what is this? Mostly I show it in small ways and hope no one notices!
Okay time to go to Bingas with dad! Yay!
I bet you $10 that he's going to bring Luke up again
Oh, Halloween was great! Pirates lost, but that's okay. It was still fun! Horror movies + Melted chocolate fight with Jared + Giggle Fest= Awesome!
For those of you who know how bad my aim is, I hit Jared right between the eyes with a hershey bar in the dark! woo! :-)
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