New York

Today in the middle of my first class I found myself panicking about going to New York tomorrow. I've never had a panic attack, but that's the closest I've ever been. I managed to write down the notes although I didn't hear a thing the professor was saying. My heart rate sky rocketed and I was nearly hyperventilating. I felt like I might faint. Luckily I didn't. I'm not the sort of girl who faints. That would be super embarrassing.

I spent my next class contemplating why I didn't want to go to New York and why I had decided to agree in the first place. I thought I could handle the grand New York wedding and I didn't like the idea of my mom going alone. I felt guilty that my dad backed out, even though he had a perfectly good reason. That makes no sense, I know. I guess I get the feeling that I need to take care of everyone and it's just too much and it's really not my job. This is probably why I didn't tell my mom that I really didn't want to go earlier. Then I remembered. It's a little harsh, but I believe my first duty is to myself (I just rarely act on it). If I can't help myself, then how the hell can I be there for other people?

So here it is plain and simple. I hate New York.
- The city and the areas around it. First, there is the class thing that makes me uncomfortable. Why would I want to be somewhere where everyone has more than I do and most of them take it for granted? I'm not saying I'm poor. Most definitely not and I'm thankful for everything I have. Status is everything in New York. You're either high class, too weird to classify, or in the slums. My people tend to be in the slums. My friends tend to be "too weird" which is not too weird for me. I love them for it.
- I hate how uptight people are, the shallowness, and the lack of community. Sure you all come together for the Yankees but when that's over? Couldn't care less about each other. Yes this is a generalization. Not everyone is like that, but from what I've seen and experienced, enough are like that for me not to want to go back.
-I feel alone in New York. In this situation especially. I don't know the family of the people getting married that well and they kind of fit into the catagories above. They're nice enough, but I would never feel comfortable round them. I guess my dad and I have that in common. My mom would be going, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel alone there still. I mean she lived there for awhile and like she said "I'm a New Yorker." More on the weird side, which is good, but I don't want to be alone with a bunch of New Yorkers. At least she knows the family. Everyone there knows the family. I'm just tagged along for the ride.

Why should I put myself through that? I could spend the weekend here getting work done and doing what I want to do to destress. I have a paper due tuesday, writing and redrafting due monday, a test on tuesday, another test monday etc. I'd rather not be getting ready for everything sunday when I get home. I'm not great at studying in cars and I sure as hell won't be able to study in New York.

At this point, I'm refresjed and determined to get back to where I was 11 days ago. I will fight through whatever to get back to that point. My life could be worse, but isn't and won't be. I get knocked down sometimes or I knock myself down, but I never forget to pick myself back up. Get discouraged? Sometimes, but then I remember why it's worth it. The rest of today is going to be fucking fabulous. Okay I'm done. You're all great!

P.S. Somebody to Love is in the process of being made into a music video! Now I see why Gerbe liked it. It's about a girl who has fame and everything, but can't find anyone to share her life with because how will she know if the men are using her for her money/body/fame or not? I can imagine it would be difficult for the Gerber Baby as well. I just like the song...