Say Yes To The Dress

Say Yes To The Dress is a new show I discovered on netflix. I'm in love with it. I really need to apply for that job at David's Bridal.

I was trying to figure out who I would take to a consultation (very far into the future of course). I don't like the idea of having many people with me, especially those who aren't For sure, my mom. Probably my soon-to-be mother-in-law (depending on my relationship with her). Also I was thinking one of my maids of honor (I want 2) aka Katya, since she has good taste in clothing and knows my taste as well. Then last but not least...well I'll leave that one a mystery, so he doesn't see it coming.

Now, back to the present...

La Famille

So maybe being back in Maine isn't so bad, but then again, I haven't even begun to deal with the Luke issue yet. That's what usually brings me down.

More importantly, I've come to the realization that something is missing from my life. That fire that I always used to have and flickers from time to time these days...well what lit my fire? What made me passionate? What will make me passionate about anything again?

I'm trying to figure out what made me that happy, fiery, witty person in Toronto. I was never really sad there at all. Whatever weighs on me here, didn't there. I was Happy (with a capital H). Here I've been happier than I was at Hofstra for sure, but I'm still sad almost every day. Not all the time; not even half the time, but enough to make a noticeable difference in the quality of my life.

That's part of the reason I have decided to start dancing again. In high school, if I was dancing nothing to get me down. I'm hoping it will be the same now. I think it probably will be.

I think another thing that would improve my happiness is a better connection with Jews at home. Of course they won't be the same as my own Jewish family, but I've found that I could barely know a Jewish person and feel way more connected to them than other people who I might even know better.

The other thing I need is a better Latino community. I love all of the friends I have, but it's not enough to have a ton of white friends who don't encounter the racism that I do on a daily basis. I need that support system. I'm in the process of making that happen.

As for men, I'm putting them on the back burner for now. This does not include the current love though. For sure, he's not on the front burner though. That's a function of difficulties in my family, the fact that I'm not high on his list of priorities either and because doing all of the work to making anything happen with him has been burning me out. I'm one of the best resources he or anyone could ask for, but if he or anyone else doesn't take me up, then that's unfortunate for them.

I'm pretty excited for this semester of school. I haven't been excited for college since before I started my first semester of freshman year. This is a big deal. School is no longer burning me out. However, I'm not 100% about sport psychology. Most of the time I'm 95% sure, but sometimes thinking about graduate school is exhausting and I wonder if I really want to spend that much time in school. I know that when I'm doing something involving sport psychology or hockey, I'm excited about it, so hopefully that will last.

I mean what else could I do at this point? Yes, I'm taking marine bio to make sure that I don't really want to become a marine biologist...and that is the course I'm most excited about, but I think I'll probably stick with sport psychology.

My main motivation for classes this year, is to make sure I do well enough to make sure I can go abroad for sure next year. The only deal breaker is Luca. If I can't take him, I won't go. I can't leave him with someone else for that long. Even 5 days is too long. Going abroad with him is a possibility, because I wouldn't go to Europe, I would go to Canada.

Last two thoughts on my list (for now anyway) are:
1. I think I am going to try and find the other adopted sister. I think there is only 1 other?
2. I keep saying 'eh' and 'washroom.' Apparently 'for sure' is a Canadian phrase, but I've always said it, so I don't know what that means.

Cousins

I've been thinking about the difference between my Canadian cousins and Southern cousins.

I feel somewhat guilty about the fact that I feel no need or desire to see my Southern cousins. I know my father and his mother wish I would try to reconnect with them, because they're "the only other family" they have. When have I ever done something I don't want to do though? It happens more than people who know me very well would think, but still...

My southern cousins have grown into nice people I'm sure. I don't approve of one of them getting married so early, but that's not my concern. We never had much in common. Krista and I bonded over barbies, and clearly, neither of us are in that stage anymore. She's in a southern state of mind. I'm in a Rosalba state of mind. Marcus always kept to himself.

Then you have the Jewish/European/Canadian side of the family. What can I say?
<3 <3 <3 <3

I took to one of my cousins from the very first moment I can remember. It was a birthday party for my great uncle. The whole family came together: parents, grand parents, great uncle, cousins, aunts and uncles. My mom pointed them out, "that's Jon and Sarah." Sarah wore a dress and they ran around the restaurant/inn. I was shy though and about 10 years younger, so I clung to my mom. My first impression of Jon was 'nice.' I was too young to analyze people in any complexity, but I remember a general 'he's cool and nice' feeling. From then on he was my favorite cousins. I like his sister a lot too though. They're both great.

I didn't get to see them often, but they all came for my Bat Mitzvah. I took to a third cousin then more than Jon. Now that I think about it, I think it's because he was more outgoing than Jon with me and I took that as he liked me more than Jon did. That probably wasn't true at all and it changed again last year when I was in Toronto.

Anyhoo, I'm too tired to go into much depth and as I've said many times before, some things aren't meant for the public. I had a good long talk with Jon this evening about everything. I guess he and I have both been shy until now. Now that I think about it, I tell people different parts of who I am and what I've experienced, but who really knows it all except my parents and now Jon? Maybe there are things that only family should know? Where is the line between very close friends and family though? Maybe they make up more than one family?

Too much to think about. The conversation about Halifax over dinner was upsetting for me, because it reminded me of Luke. Post Halifax made for a good last evening/night in Toronto.

Good night, Toronto.

Canada

I've been thinking quite a bit since yesterday about moving to Toronto. It seems to me that this is the first place I've been besides Maine, where I feel completely happy with the people and comfortable in the environment. It's a large city, but I like the culture. There's a large Jewish community, lots of music and arts, french speaking people...I feel like I'm home.

I'm trying to figure out whether some of it isn't that I'm far away from my problems with men, but I think that's only a small portion of it. I adore my family. It's great being together even when we're all bickering. After all that's what Jews do; that's how we show our love. Jon and his mom are like me and my mom. I sit back and grin sometimes while listening to them bicker and pick at each other.

Today Don said "Do we all have to go up to get the tickets?" All 5 of us went up together...or more precisely Jon, Fran, my mom and I rushed up to the kiosk right before Don made that comment. I responded "Of course! We're a Jewish family. We have to do it all together." The part I didn't say was partly because we are making sure the person in charge is doing it right (a little Jewish joke). We all have to have our input and the younger generation (Jon and me in this instance) are making sure the older generation is getting it done correctly and as promptly as possible.

I consider Jon and I to be of the same generation, because he and I are very similar in many respects and I've grown up with older people. I get along with people who are at least 5 years older than me much better that those my own age. They're generally more decisive, know more about who they are and what they want. So yes, I adore my cousins Jon and Sara.

A Jewish family is a good thing to have.

I like Toronto. There are plenty of opportunities for a sport psychologist or athletic trainer in Toronto and Canada in general. Who knows. I have to get through my undergraduate degree first. I'm also not sure how far I can live from my parents without feeling home sick. Then I have to think eventually about keeping the Cabin in Maine, because I don't plan to ever give that up and having kids, which I'm not sure I want to raise in the US. That's further into the future though.

Time to sleep, so I can be lively tomorrow for more shopping and bickering with my family. I love that my cousin Jon likes to shop as much as I do. It's funny.

Toronto Again

It feels like Deja Vu.

Last year I didn't want to leave. This year I don't want to leave. Last year I considered going to school in Canada/Toronto. Then I forgot. This year I wondered how I could forget.

It's a little too complicated to go into everything now, but I'll get around to it.

I need to find something to light my fire again...

It's easy to forget Luke until someone says something that reminds me of him.

Luke vs. Caffeine

Caffeine makes me hyper. I talk fast. I fidget. I dance around when I'm walking.

Luke is worse. I get really shaky and weak. I pretend to be calm and collected (on the phone). Then I run around the house like a crazy mouse. I literally just ran up the steps and jumped up and down a few times. I forget to breathe. I feel...relieved and not in pain.

Oh shit. I think I just described a drug...People can't be drugs...or can they be?

I'm going to go dance around the house for 18 minutes and then do school work until 5 PM.

Outta Bed

It has been a week since I last posted. I think maybe I have been trying to run from something or some things.

I just had a thought about the man who lives far away. It was 'maybe the reflection he shows me of myself is the good human being that I really am.' It's one thing to know who you are and it's another to see what someone else thinks of you without your own issues getting in the way. It's a scary reality to face. It's more difficult to face something so good and pure than something kind of shitty.

He sent me a message in response to the letter I left and I haven't responded to it yet. I've been avoiding it. I put myself out there on the table and now he knows...quite a bit. It feels like part of me is keeping a vice like grip over my mouth warning me not to take another step in that direction, because it could end up...my first thought was, just like Luke.

I don't think that's actually possible, because he doesn't have the same fear that Luke has, but if I let him in, he could end up hurting me just as much. I don't have the capacity to take that from 2 men.

Speaking of which, not knowing whether and when Luke is really moving to DC has been driving me insane. I've been trying so hard not to think about it, but it's almost impossible and PMS on top of that has been hell. I didn't even want to get out of bed yesterday.

I've been filling up my fall schedule as much as possible without going insane from doing too much. If he leaves, I will basically be like a baby who can't be left alone. I will need to do something all the time, so I don't get stuck in that 'I'm going to lie in bed and feel like dying' feeling. I will also probably need to cry a lot and throw things.

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen yet though. I have spent the past week with my female friends only. I got a phone call from my bro yesterday, which made my day. For the most part it's been really helpful.

Now I'm going off to Toronto on Thursday. Half of me wants to get away so badly (to Toronto). I'd be lying if I said it wasn't partly an escape. The other half of me realizes that most of my friends will be having their last few days in Maine while I'm in Toronto, so I'll be missing out on that. Last time I went to Toronto last year, I was also escaping from Luke stuff. I did not want a single text from him that whole time. Then half way through he sent me a text and I freaked out and had to call Iszy. I have a feeling that won't happen this year and I kind of wish it would.

Men always ask 'what do you want' or 'what do you want from me.' What do I want? I want you to fucking tell me how you feel and not to move far away and to spend the rest of your life with me. That's what I want.

I have very little fear about saying what I want from him, because I've basically laid it all on the table. My anxiety is over him leaving and finding someone else right after me. That's what happened last time. I keep having mini anxiety attacks and have to make myself breathe.

So...I guess I should get out of bed now...

Northampton

My trip to Northampton was difficult. My trip to Northampton was great. I don't want to leave.

I've had to face some issues that I don't have to at "home." Those issues being my own commitment and fear of intimacy. Sound like anyone else we know? Yeah him. That's why I haven't really had to face it at home.

It's different when some really cares about you and asks if you want to talk kind of frequently because they can tell something is upsetting you. Holy mother, freaked me out. I tried really hard, but didn't succeed until last night. I feel like I kind of fucked this trip up. I was very quiet yesterday all day. Then I pretended I didn't care if he went out with another girl. I didn't know what kind of thing it was, so I tried not to judge. Leaving in the middle of the night crossed my mind, but I didn't. Running away never solves anything. Well I suppose sometimes it does.

We hung out when he returned and watched x files. Horror movies/tv shows etc make him nervous, so he doesn't watch them. He loves the X Files though, but doesn't like to watch it by himself. Then he went to bed. That's about the time I decided it was now or never. So we talked in the dark for a bit. It's easier for me to open up at night especially in the dark at first. I guess it's a good start. I could have done better if I hadn't gotten scared.

It's really scary to face this stuff. All of my insecurities are in my face and okay there aren't a whole lot, but what's there is very difficult to deal with. I was thinking yesterday in the car that my parents encouraged me to feel strong and independent. Somehow I avoided a lot of the typical girl insecurities like feeling fat, unattractive, weak etc etc. They didn't prepare me for some of securities men feel though and I seem to have latched onto those. It's also the result of my adoption stuff, but they run along the same line. For example: Needing to be really tough, building a wall and finding it very difficult to be completely myself when someone cares.

Before he left today for his job, he asked if I was going to be around tonight. I was caught off guard and said probably not. I originally hoped to stay until Wednesday morning, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Then he said he hopes I move here.

I do too.

On a side note, I'm getting the feeling through facebook that Luke might be moving to DC. There are some weird parallels on behalf of Will and my love lives. I'm a little in shock at the moment, but I have to drive to Springfield in an hour, so I really can't afford to fall apart until after that/until I get the facts.

Toasty

Toasty is an understatement. It's near 100 in Northampton. I'm not complaining though. It feels kind of like May in Tennessee.

Today has been good, but stressful. I think I've been psyching myself out by thinking that I have to send 7 years in once place. It's like 7 days from The Ring except it's a lot longer and a lot scarier (fye The Ring isn't scary).

Later Update: I feel like a horrible friend and guest. I spent most of the day silent. I am incredibly overwhelmed by the decision...s? I suppose my terrible mood started this morning when I took Will's helpfulness for trying to get me out of the apartment. I didn't know what to think, but the first thing that came to mind is 'No one wants me (except maybe my rents).' Now I'm beginning to realize that part of it...maybe most of it is me.

I have this plastic bubble around me that I keep most people away with. Pretty much everyone actually. I let Luke in the most I think, but even that isn't constant and he doesn't help by constantly disappearing. It's not exactly his fault, but it still feels horrible. All that terror has come up as a result of staying with Will. It's not a bad thing. Certainly I need to get rid of it and that barrier. I'm silent because I'm so terrified of letting him or anyone in. It makes me physically shake. I know he thinks it's awkward because of the silence and he said he would listen and I want to tell him all about it, but I open my mouth and "Don't worry about it. It's just kind of stressful. Not a big deal" and a cheap smile come out.

As soon as he gets back from dropping off books, I'm going to bitch slap the silence and terror and really talk to him. Anyone who wants to be my friend needs to understand why I keep my distance and stay so silent sometimes.

On another note, I'm afraid that I'm slightly like my mother in the fact that I need to be doing something constantly. I think that is more a result of feeling awkward and silent and wanting distraction to make it easier and avoid what's really going on.

I need to breathe and talk and know that everything will be okay eventually.

Mellow Thoughts

Tonight was good. We went to the Melting Pot. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love that restaurant.

The point is that I've been thinking about Luke a lot this evening, but it's just been touching the back of my mind. It was just a nice and relaxed. I wasn't worried that he's sleeping with other girls or drinking too much or doesn't like me etc etc.

Also I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't have waited around for so long if I didn't know that he cares for me on some level. So do I need to hear it? Nah, but it would be nice.

He's my happy place...or one of them.

P.S. I'll review my week in Mass when I get home.

Heading to Northampton tomorrow. That should be interesting.

France, Ireland and Tennessee

It seems like everything is moving in a new direction...or just in some direction.

Luke has been better at making an attempt to hang out/talk. It hasn't happened yet, but it will.

I will probably take 3 years to finish my undergrad double major/minor. Where is the question.

I'm heading to Northampton on the 8th, to see if my future lies there or in Boston.

___

Last night I saw 3.5 films. I was so exhausted that I figured I needed a night in alone to recoup. First I watched Coco Before Chanel. It was a good movie and I would recommend it, especially to those interested in that era. I also love Audrey Tautou in everything I've seen her in. At the end of the movie, I found that she reminded me of my grandmother. My grandmother was from Austria and had a similar hairdo since she lived around the same time. I love to see old picture of my grandmother, because she looked like a classic movie star. She would have fit right in with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck.

The second film I saw was The Blind Side. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the last people to have seen it, but that's okay. It was great and set in Tennessee, so even better. It made me think of my time at public school in Knoxville and then of some of the complaints I hear from my friends. We have it good compared to many of the people there. We're lucky. I'm luckier than most in terms of family. Many of my friends are even luckier than me in terms of money and comfort. So we're all doing pretty well in that respect and should be appreciative of that. Also, Sandra Bullock put on a good accent. It wasn't a Tennessee accent, but it didn't make me want to hit someone over the head like most actors do when they try that accent.

The third film I saw caught my eye because Cillian Murphy was on the cover. He's one of my favorite actors. Unfortunately he almost always dies or his wife leaves him or some such thing. Even in Inception he got shot and had to be saved. The movie I saw was The Wind That Shakes The Barley. It's basically about strife between Ireland and Britain with Ireland trying to gain independence during the early 20th century. I also recommend it to people who like Cillian Murphy or have interest in the topic/time period. Not for people who don't like war movies or are squeamish around finger nails being pulled off (I had to cover my eyes for part of that). The funny part is that I had to put the subtitles on, because some of the women spoke really softly and a few I just couldn't understand. I'm latino though, so why would you expect me to understand it anyway. Good movie, check it out.

The last film I only watched part of because I was tired and it was a little drawn out for my taste. It's called Dans Paris. It's a french film about a son who returns home to be depressed over the break up with his girlfriend and his relationship with his brother who is a bit of a man whore and his father, who's a little crazy. The pace is very slow, possibly to reflect the slow progression of his depression, but still too slow for me. Not highly recommended.

Twists and Turns

Books should have twists and turns, not my love life. Yet it is. I could probably sell it and make it into a tv show for money, but I won't.

Today was interesting. Well just the evening part.

After visiting Nana I decided that since Luke hadn't responded I would run over to his house. It seems that the best way to reach him is to surprise him at home. They say you should never surprise a man at home, because he might be with another woman. Well if he were, then I'd want to know. I have no qualms about walking into his house and looking for him.

Today I found...his mother. I almost snuck out of the room undetected, but she saw me, so I ended up sitting and talking to her for half an hour. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. It also made me really sad and feel like a jerk (kind of). Since it's so personal, I have no desire to talk about the subjects in a public place or with anyone other than his mother and him. Some things are private.

I will say I got a more in depth look at another side of him that he doesn't necessarily show me or other people. I also saw how much his mother loves him and how similar they are. It was interesting how many mannerisms were the same and how they had similar outlooks on some things. I always find that interesting in other people, because I do not have my own biological parents to compare myself to.

Listening has always been my strong point and it seemed like she had a lot on her mind. I was more than happy to listen for her benefit, for Luke's and for my own. I love this man more than ever now. It almost doesn't seem possible.

I used to think that I was useless to him. I try so hard to be there for him; to make him see that I'm there and he should feel able to rely on me. He never does though. It hurts me when he chooses something else or a bro, but I try to remind myself it's not about me. I'll try even harder to remember that now. Tonight I figured out that even the offer to be there for him is better than nothing; the constant reminder that I'm here has to mean something to him.

I cried all the way home, but not for myself this time. I cried because of how unfair life can be. I cried because sometimes the most amazing people get the shittiest end of things. I cried because I don't want to lose Luke. I cried because I don't want to lose my grandmother or my parents.

I sat in the driveway for a full minute and cried. Then I heard a car door, looked up and realized my neighbor had pulled up beside me. Awkward. I hope not to see him for quite a while. Part of me is mortified, but part of me thinks it's funny as hell.

I'm hoping that Thursday Luke and I will finally be able to hang out for more than 5 minutes. I'm praying that nothing will get in the way for either one of us and as always I'm praying for him. I probably don't seem like the praying sort, but I am in my own quiet way.

____

On a separate note, I had a good evening with Hallie at Sebago and watching Sex and the City (tv show). I got her addicted. It still amazes me how much the show relates to my life.

Now off to bed, if I can get that worn out look on Luke's face out of my head. It makes me sad. I would do anything to see him smile more.

Contradiction

It sounds like a negative word, doesn't it?

Well it's not in this case.

My mom as well as other people in RC have advised me in the past to find a man who contradicts all my patterns. (my patterns being: 'My birth mother didn't want me, so why would anyone else,' 'I need people to see that I'm good enough,' etc.) In terms of men that means I'm attracted to men who are indecisive and tend to leave or be unavailable. Those are the negative traits at least.

A contradiction would be: a man who can say he likes to be with me, who makes an efforts to see me, shows me that he likes to be with me, who can schedule around me as well as me scheduling around him, who does not have a girlfriend or as previously noted, an emotional intimacy issue, who can admit when he is wrong, who can apologize sincerely, who is not an alcoholic or a smoker, who does not do drugs, who does not belittle me by making jokes about my heritage or religion, who likes to listen...

I found a contradiction to all of this...or a man who contradicts all of these things. He helps me remember that my time is not worthless and should not be wasted. I remember even more than usual that I am a great person who any man would be lucky to have. I'm happy and in the moment when I'm with him. I smile and laugh a lot. There is no sadness attached.

This man is not Luke. I love Luke, but if he doesn't do something soon, he'll lose me. I don't want it to happen like that.

Lets See

I've been thinking about my academic future and my future career a lot lately. Believe me, I've had plenty of reason to do so.

Thus far the graduate schools I'm looking at are all in Massachusetts (Boston, Springfield, Amherst, Worcester). I will do whatever it takes to get into those schools.

I've been kind of scared about my progress. Transferring was a mess and then I had my huge mental break down about what I really wanted to do with my life that came at a great cost to my academic progress. First I had to overcome the depression that took hold while at Hofstra. I came to USM still discouraged about that. I was worn out after my first year.

USM was much better though. I liked the people, both students and professors. That sneaky idea that Waynflete planted in my head that 'a local public college isn't good enough quickly dissipated for the most part. No one ever said it outright, but it was in the air, because everyone applied to it as a last choice safety school and the teachers never carried on about it the way they would about Bates or Bowdoin. They did stress the importance of choosing the right school for the individual though.

That's why I'm at USM. To this day I still get crap mostly in the form of passive aggressive jokes from friends about USM and it's embarrassing, but I like the school, so I ignore it or confront the people. I have no doubt that I'm incredibly smart, so that is not an issue. Filling my potential is scary though. I constantly have to beat back the recording that a baby from a 3rd world country can't successfully take on the challenge of becoming a psychologist, more specifically one of the few who works with elete athletes, which is a male dominated area. I believe I can do it, but the part of me that was hurt a long time ago has doubts sometimes. When I let those doubts seep it, that's when I screw up. I freeze and don't do anything.

This past semester I slowed down in order to deal with those fears. Oddly enough, I think getting Luca has been the most helpful therapy for me. He keeps me present and relaxed. He's a constant reminder that I am successfully raising and supporting a live being. It's a challenge. You can't get an F in that. You can't fail a living being. If I can do that, then I can do pretty much anything.

My parents raised me on that: I can do anything if I set my mind to it and work hard. Other phrases: I'm brilliant, I'm beautiful, I'm compassionate etc. etc.

And I believe it.

So what am I really questioning now? What to do with the rest of my undergraduate education. I've decided that I will give it another year and depending on how that goes I will have 3 possibilities.
If I'm satisfied with my GPA (and believe me, I have very high expectations for myself) then:
1. I will finish on time at USM with a Psychology Major and Creative Writing Minor
If my GPA is not quite where I want it to be, but still at a good place then:
2. I will take another year to graduate with Majors in Psychology and Athletic Training and a minor in Creative Writing or
3. I will transfer to Mass (most likely Amherst) to finish my undergrad degree as a Psychology and Athletic Training Major with my Creative Writing minor already complete.

I'm sure 3 is the most shocking to everyone. I've kept it secret until now. I mentioned it to Carol about a week ago, but that's it. I love USM. I've said that before. I'm still in love with Portland. That's why I came back. Portland is the city I want to raise my children in, but that is not my present. I would love to work for the Pirates, but again that's not my present (unless I get an internship, which is a possibility).

Where is my near future? Massachusetts. So I think it makes sense to consider all possibilities. One of which, being to transfer next year. I'm highly skeptical of that actually happening though.

Men also complicate the situation. Not as much in actually influencing me to be one place or the other, but more in me being afraid that they will influence my decisions and thereby giving them more power to actually influence me. It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

I have to do what's best for me. What's best for me could there though. Not because of him, but because of the academics and opportunities. Keeping him out of the decision is difficult though.

There's a lot to think about. That's why I'm going to Northampton next week. I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay, which brings me to my next post...

Consistency

The Shepherd's Dream - John Henry Fuseli

Today the thought occurred to me that Luke might be more consistent than most of my other friends. That's really sad. Tonight, I believe that even more.

Also, part of me wants to go to Noho next week and never return...at least not to live. That won't happen though. It's just a nice dream.