Yes I'm listening to that song again.
But more importantly I've been talking with my brother. He always asks the same question even if it's only been 3 days since I last talked to him. "So have you made it official yet?" Lots of people ask me that actually. Answer is no. For some reason I feel slightly ashamed even though it's not my fault...I know it's not...I think...
He and I got into our usual argument over this. Along the same lines as Carol's arguments. It's good though. It makes me think. It doesn't make me change my mind though. If anything the arguments makes me see I'm doing the right thing even more clearly. They say, "be careful." I say, "too late." The best part? I can say it with complete acceptance. It's a fact that I've come to accept.
Tonight I took Luca for a walk in the woods. Originally I was just going to take him to the bathroom and return, but something had scared me and I felt the need to take a walk. It was so light out. The full moon lit the path in the woods. The snow was a soft lavender color. I felt like I was in another world. So peaceful. I cried some. Then I started talking to Luca/myself. I told him my questions and worries. I told him a secret. I told him what I wanted. Somehow I started laughing along the way. It made me feel a lot better. It also allowed me to clearly articulate myself in the discussion with Beans.
I guess you could say I'm determined and loyal. I don't think one can go without the other. So yes, I'll stand up to everyone when it comes to Luke.
On another note, tomorrow is the big game. USA vs. Canada. I'm excited and nervous. Are we the best or the second best hockey team in the world? Is Ryan Miller the best goalie in the world? I think so, but I guess we'll see tomorrow. They're playing the first part of the game at the civic center before the Pirates game. I'll either go to that with Luke or I'll stay home and watch it there. I'm most proud of the shirt I made. It says Team USA on the front and #39 Ryan Miller on the back in red, white and blue. I'll be wearing it tomorrow and maybe Monday if all goes well!
Tomorrow's the full moon. I'm ready.
Current Playlist:
I'm Gonna Getcha Good - Shania Twain
Glass Danse - The Faint
Cry Tonight Kim Sozzi
If I Had You - Adam Lambert
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Persuasion
Jane Austen's novels are incredibly dramatic with romantic notions tied in everywhere. I used to think they were senseless fantasies, but addictive nonetheless. Then I realized my own life is that complex. Not exactly the same, but similar mind sets and mistakes.
Prior to the events of the novel Anne Elliot falls in love with an intellegent and ambitious naval officer. Unfortunately he's poor and so her family highly disapproves. Her mentor and stand-in mother persuades her to break off their courtship. Years later she runs into him after he has become a wealthy and well known naval captain. She has not moved on of course and still loves him, but does not think he could forgive her for breaking it off years before. He still loves her, but tries not to show it. Then there is mistaken jealousy on her part and she thinks he's engaged to another woman. She finds out he's not, but then she is proposed to. He thinks she's engaged and she has to say no. He leaves, but writes a letter proposing and eventually they live happily ever after.
This misunderstanding happens a lot in Austen's novels and indeed in real life. Mostly because neither side wants to be the first to take the risk of receiving a broken heart and the loss of pride. It happens in a lot of movies actually, and I almost always want to yell at them to just say it already. Then I think about real life. We never just say it. It's always a game. My guy friends ask why girls play games with them. My girl friends ask the same about guys. It's not really necessary. There's a difference between courting and playing games.
Personally I value courage and honesty over all, because without them you can't express love. Being loved and expressing it are both human needs. You're alone if you don't have it and humans weren't meant to be alone. Inability to express feelings leads to loneliness as well and insanity. This isn't just toward the man or woman you love. It's also for friends and family. There's more than one type of love.
My personal favorite is unconditional. No matter what you love them. No matter what they do, no matter what happens, no matter how great or bad life is, it will always be. It's the place where blame rarely exists and forgiveness is almost always given.
Tim Thomas's Ten Minutes Of Fame
I'm ecstatic that Team USA won 6-1 against Finland. Ryan Miller was superb, when tested. Most of the first period was spent at Finland's end though. I was skeptical when they put Tim Thomas in for the last 10 minutes of the third period. I try really hard not to be regional, but I've never been a big fan of Tim Thomas. That doesn't mean I don't have respect for him. I do, but he's not the best in the NHL and that's a fact. Ryan Miller is the second best goalie in the NHL.
That's not the point though. The point is that Tim Thomas gave away a great shut out. While I think I won't ever let it go right now, because it's an Olympic game not an NHL game, I probably will after I cool down. Maybe...
Anyhoo...not going to the hockey game tonight. Too tired. Just gonna stay home, rest and watch Canada vs. Slovakia. Should be another interesting game.
_____________
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Fight A Man
He been gone since three thirty
And coming home lately at three thirty
I'm super cool I've been a fool
But now I'm hot and baby you gone get it
Now I ain't tripping ah! I ain't twisting ah!
I ain't demented ah! well just a lil' bit
I'm kicking asses I'm taking names
I'm on flame don't come home babe
I'm breaking dishes up in here
All Night (Oh-oh)
I ain't go stop until I see police lights
I'm a fight a man
- Breakin' Dishes by Rihanna
I kind of love this song...normally I'm not a huge Rihanna fan, but some of her songs are good. This one is great. Not for the lyrics, although they're pretty great, but because it makes me want to dance....er maybe it's the full moon coming up? Either way, I'm not sick anymore!
Texts From Last Night: 970
You know that bumper sticker on facebook that says "for the sexually active, getting your period is like Christmas morning?" I never really got that until it happened to me awhile back, but I was just on the website for Texts from Last Night, because I don't want to go to sleep and I saw this one:
970:
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thought it was hilarious, because I'm pretty sure just about every girls has done/will do that at some point. It really is that exciting to get it after a scare or even if there isn't any logical reason to believe you're pregnant, but you're late anyway. Anyway, it made me chuckle.
970:
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I thought it was hilarious, because I'm pretty sure just about every girls has done/will do that at some point. It really is that exciting to get it after a scare or even if there isn't any logical reason to believe you're pregnant, but you're late anyway. Anyway, it made me chuckle.
MLIA
Well mine is not. I have too much drama for that, but it's okay. Came across this though and figured it could apply to about every girl at some point.
"Today, I was talking to my best friend about my crush. She was flipping through a magazine and probably only half-listening, but I didn't care. Right in the middle of me gushing about his smile and how adorable his laugh is, she interrupts with, "He poops, you know. He sits on the toilet, and crap comes out of his butthole." I'll never be able to look at him the same way again. MLIA"
Only problem is I don't think it would work for most of us. I never wish to imagine or see anything of the sort. I laughed for quite awhile though.
"Today, I was talking to my best friend about my crush. She was flipping through a magazine and probably only half-listening, but I didn't care. Right in the middle of me gushing about his smile and how adorable his laugh is, she interrupts with, "He poops, you know. He sits on the toilet, and crap comes out of his butthole." I'll never be able to look at him the same way again. MLIA"
Only problem is I don't think it would work for most of us. I never wish to imagine or see anything of the sort. I laughed for quite awhile though.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Let It Rain
So many things are trying to keep me
And so many voices trying to reach me
To tell me that this is not the way
To tell me that this is my mistake
Oh, let the rain keep falling down
Cause it won't stop me
From getting where I'm bound
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's too late
But I'm gonna make it
Don't care what the skies say
So oh, let it rain.
And so many voices trying to reach me
To tell me that this is not the way
To tell me that this is my mistake
Oh, let the rain keep falling down
Cause it won't stop me
From getting where I'm bound
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's too late
But I'm gonna make it
Don't care what the skies say
So oh, let it rain.
I was looking for songs involving rain today and I came across Let it Rain by Kris Allen. I own the album, but haven't listened to half of it. Finally listened to this song and now I can't stop. It makes me want to run out and dance in the rain. Unfortunately i'm sick and that would not be a good idea.
The best thing that happened this week was a short conversation with my brother. I hadn't talked to him since the party at USM right before he went back to college. I was afraid he caught onto my anger at his betrayal back then and was angry at me. Apparently he still has no clue. Luckily it's all in the past anyway. I miss Katya and him the most since they're the most like family.
It's kind of funny...sometimes I feel like we've switched places. This year he's had 2 girlfriends and I'm stuck in limbo. Last year it was the other way around. I had boyfriends though...I wouldn't change it back by any means. I'm far happier now than I was last year with either of those guys. They're friends, and that's all they were ever meant to be.
Being sick this time around has made me realize moreso than before how determined I am...about Everything. When I really want something, I almost always get it. I work hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and have to take a break, but then I get right back to it. For example, with this flu, I realized I need to rest for 3 days, so I am and by tomorrow I'll be ready to go go go. I'm no longer contagious, so that's a good sign.
I've had this weird tug or war going on inside me this week. One side, the flu side, has been dragging me down and making me sleep, the other side, full moon, has been trying to energize me. So I have been like "I can get up and do stuff!" and 2 hours later "shit....I need to get back in bed." My head is finally clear enough recognize that rising energy though. So it looks like I'll be good to go for the weekend, but I guess I won't be getting laid this full moon weekend...oops did I just write that?
Anyhoo...Tomorrow is supposed to be a crazy hockey day. USA vs. Finland (to which I respond fuckkkkk. Hope they can win...), then a Pirates game if I decide to go, then Canada vs. Slovakia (going for the Slovaks, but I doubt they'll win)...and I guess ladies long program somewhere inbetween.
The best thing that happened this week was a short conversation with my brother. I hadn't talked to him since the party at USM right before he went back to college. I was afraid he caught onto my anger at his betrayal back then and was angry at me. Apparently he still has no clue. Luckily it's all in the past anyway. I miss Katya and him the most since they're the most like family.
It's kind of funny...sometimes I feel like we've switched places. This year he's had 2 girlfriends and I'm stuck in limbo. Last year it was the other way around. I had boyfriends though...I wouldn't change it back by any means. I'm far happier now than I was last year with either of those guys. They're friends, and that's all they were ever meant to be.
Being sick this time around has made me realize moreso than before how determined I am...about Everything. When I really want something, I almost always get it. I work hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and have to take a break, but then I get right back to it. For example, with this flu, I realized I need to rest for 3 days, so I am and by tomorrow I'll be ready to go go go. I'm no longer contagious, so that's a good sign.
I've had this weird tug or war going on inside me this week. One side, the flu side, has been dragging me down and making me sleep, the other side, full moon, has been trying to energize me. So I have been like "I can get up and do stuff!" and 2 hours later "shit....I need to get back in bed." My head is finally clear enough recognize that rising energy though. So it looks like I'll be good to go for the weekend, but I guess I won't be getting laid this full moon weekend...oops did I just write that?
Anyhoo...Tomorrow is supposed to be a crazy hockey day. USA vs. Finland (to which I respond fuckkkkk. Hope they can win...), then a Pirates game if I decide to go, then Canada vs. Slovakia (going for the Slovaks, but I doubt they'll win)...and I guess ladies long program somewhere inbetween.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Here We Go Go Go Again
On Sunday night Hallie sent me a link to Demi Lovato's music video, Here We Go Again. 18 seconds into it I started laughing. Anyone who knows me will know why.
Yep that's pretty much it. 10 days before that I wrote an ultimatum letter to Luke and intended to mail it, but I tore it up and threw it away instead. I figured I'd be cooled off in a week anyway. Friday night was the ladies night party. I only mentioned him once and it was after my third tequila shot. I'm not even sure anyone heard it although I repeated it 4 times in a row. 2 days later I had forgotten all about it.
Two weeks later, I'm just trying to focus on getting better. Emphasis on trying. I let him back into my head yesterday. How could I not? He made me smile without even being here. For some reason I hear Carol's voice in my head scolding me. It just makes me laugh, which makes me cough. I'll be fine my Friday though. Determined to be.
Yep that's pretty much it. 10 days before that I wrote an ultimatum letter to Luke and intended to mail it, but I tore it up and threw it away instead. I figured I'd be cooled off in a week anyway. Friday night was the ladies night party. I only mentioned him once and it was after my third tequila shot. I'm not even sure anyone heard it although I repeated it 4 times in a row. 2 days later I had forgotten all about it.
Two weeks later, I'm just trying to focus on getting better. Emphasis on trying. I let him back into my head yesterday. How could I not? He made me smile without even being here. For some reason I hear Carol's voice in my head scolding me. It just makes me laugh, which makes me cough. I'll be fine my Friday though. Determined to be.
Sometimes I wonder...
- If you can lose something you don't really have.
- If all my hard work is for nothing.
- If I'm strong enough to be completely honest.
- How my life would be if I had decided to go to NU instead of USM.
- Where the coaster Jared got me from Scotland went (ssh don't tell him!)
- If taking care of Luca will ever be easier than really difficult
- If I'm the only one.
- If I should start going to temple again.
- When I'll meet someone who sees hockey the way I do.
- Why you don't truly stand up for yourself sometimes.
- Why some people find appearance more important than talent.
- If my cousins and I can bring our large Jewish family back together.
- Why I don't look like anyone in my birth family.
- If I'm Peruvian or American.
- If there is a place (country/state) where I truly belong.
- Where my brother disappeared to.
- How you handle everything.
- If having such a high pain tolerance is a good thing.
- When my waiting will be over.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Happy Delusions
So I've been lying in bed all day, sleeping on and off. So much fun. No. Not even close. I was in rough shape early this morning, but by 10:30 my fever was gone. To make it worse though, my dog vomited quite a bit in the dining room, while I was feverish.
I have very odd dreams when I'm sick. The first was the zombie dream. The second was one about the olympics. I was watching a hockey game on tv. The teams playing were the Czech Republic, Russian and Canada...all in one game. It was very confusing to watch 3 teams play each other. Then today I had a dream that I lived in an old school mansion with my parents. Luke came over and surprised me, so I introduced him to my puppy. My puppy looked like a white Collie. This didn't seem weird to me until I woke up. At first I thought it was real, but 5 minutes later I realized Luke doesn't surprise visit me and my dog is a redish-brown boxer mix.
About half an hour ago I started laughing for the first time today. What I find interesting is that thinking about it just raised my temperature (I measured it). I'd like to be in my happy place right now not stuck in bed, bored.
I have very odd dreams when I'm sick. The first was the zombie dream. The second was one about the olympics. I was watching a hockey game on tv. The teams playing were the Czech Republic, Russian and Canada...all in one game. It was very confusing to watch 3 teams play each other. Then today I had a dream that I lived in an old school mansion with my parents. Luke came over and surprised me, so I introduced him to my puppy. My puppy looked like a white Collie. This didn't seem weird to me until I woke up. At first I thought it was real, but 5 minutes later I realized Luke doesn't surprise visit me and my dog is a redish-brown boxer mix.
About half an hour ago I started laughing for the first time today. What I find interesting is that thinking about it just raised my temperature (I measured it). I'd like to be in my happy place right now not stuck in bed, bored.
Too Late
I have a fever. Fuck my life. I have to hand in 2 essays. I guess I'll have to email them depending on how I feel at 8. Why am I awake at 4 AM? I woke up to feel like my chest and throat are on fire, I can't talk, and I have the shivers. Why is this funny? It's not really, but I'm trying to find the funny side. My room is about 80 degrees. I'm wearing snow pants and a sweatshirt and I'm still shivering. ha ha...no not really funny.
My damn psych essay exam is due tomorrow, which I haven't written. Luckily it's supposed to be submitted online anyway and no psych classes this week. According to some of my grades, I've written some damn good essays and even term paper, while being feverish.
First time I got sick at Hofstra, Ryan took care of me, because my OCD roommate literally wouldn't come near me and sprayed lisol on everything I touched. He took care of me though. He brought me soup between his classes, made sure I drank a lot of water and stayed with me until I fell asleep each night. He told me he couldn't get sick. I slapped him on the cheek, which was more of a tap because I was weak, and said that's ridiculous. He didn't though. He said "I don't care if you get me sick, I'm going to take care of you anyway" and he did. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me/said to me outside my family.
Okay that was just an anecdote. My thoughts just tend to spill out when I'm feverish. For example, really all I want is a hug from one person, besides my parents, but he's also the last person I'd want to catch this shit tbe least. I regular cold I could handle, but this shit hurts so fucking much. So I'm gonna go try not to cry, because fever + near full moon makes me super emotional and go die. By die, I mean seleep.
My damn psych essay exam is due tomorrow, which I haven't written. Luckily it's supposed to be submitted online anyway and no psych classes this week. According to some of my grades, I've written some damn good essays and even term paper, while being feverish.
First time I got sick at Hofstra, Ryan took care of me, because my OCD roommate literally wouldn't come near me and sprayed lisol on everything I touched. He took care of me though. He brought me soup between his classes, made sure I drank a lot of water and stayed with me until I fell asleep each night. He told me he couldn't get sick. I slapped him on the cheek, which was more of a tap because I was weak, and said that's ridiculous. He didn't though. He said "I don't care if you get me sick, I'm going to take care of you anyway" and he did. That's probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me/said to me outside my family.
Okay that was just an anecdote. My thoughts just tend to spill out when I'm feverish. For example, really all I want is a hug from one person, besides my parents, but he's also the last person I'd want to catch this shit tbe least. I regular cold I could handle, but this shit hurts so fucking much. So I'm gonna go try not to cry, because fever + near full moon makes me super emotional and go die. By die, I mean seleep.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Here We Go Again
It would appear that I'm getting sicker. I still refuse to admit that I'm sick, because I feel like that will somehow make it go away faster. It's been two days and my throat is raw from coughing. It seems like everyone is getting sick. Funny I noticed that last week. Back then I thought, well lucky for me I stayed away from all human contact for a week, so I won't get tired. Yup, just one tiny mistake and now I'm sick.
I left my puppy alone today in the house for the first time and he didn't go to the bathroom on anything! It was great. Unfortunately this evening he threw up 3 times. Apparently Boxers have sensitive stomachs and since Luca is a nervous dog anyway, meeting Emma after he ate was not such a good thing. Oh well...
It would appear I'm not the only one with friends getting married. Had a short conversation with a friend about it. She mentioned that on the one hand, "the feminist side" of her wants to propose to a guy, but she also wants a guy to propose to her and have that tradition kids and family type thing. Personally I'd rather be proposed to. Mike Weber style if possible (only Kat and Kate really know what that means).
Someone get Never Say Never out of my head. One short verse keeps repeating in my head and that is, "Love, you're in my flesh and blood, wherever you go I'm home, I'll follows you." I love the song, but enough is enough.
Am I the only one who can accidentally cut themselves on a knife while making a smoothie? Probably. I also have a knife cut through the palm of my other hand. I think it's from cutting cheese...I know I'm pretty special. It's great.
I left my puppy alone today in the house for the first time and he didn't go to the bathroom on anything! It was great. Unfortunately this evening he threw up 3 times. Apparently Boxers have sensitive stomachs and since Luca is a nervous dog anyway, meeting Emma after he ate was not such a good thing. Oh well...
It would appear I'm not the only one with friends getting married. Had a short conversation with a friend about it. She mentioned that on the one hand, "the feminist side" of her wants to propose to a guy, but she also wants a guy to propose to her and have that tradition kids and family type thing. Personally I'd rather be proposed to. Mike Weber style if possible (only Kat and Kate really know what that means).
Someone get Never Say Never out of my head. One short verse keeps repeating in my head and that is, "Love, you're in my flesh and blood, wherever you go I'm home, I'll follows you." I love the song, but enough is enough.
Am I the only one who can accidentally cut themselves on a knife while making a smoothie? Probably. I also have a knife cut through the palm of my other hand. I think it's from cutting cheese...I know I'm pretty special. It's great.
Sick
It would appear that I am getting sick, a chest cold to be specific. I'm doing everything I can to keep it off - At least until Thursday. I have part of an exam due later today and part due Wednesday. I also have 2 other papers to write. I can't get sick.
A. I don't want to be quarantined from people
B. I don't want to get behind in work
C. I should have known better than to share a drink with someone after they said their throat was sore. For some reason I rationalized it as them being hung over. Probably because it was early in the day (1 PM) and I was still tired. I don't wake up until 3 PM or so...
This weekend is the next full moon. I can't be sick during that after all.
On the bright side, I can make the wraith scream that Katya enjoys so much. Yes I'm talking about LOTR. Apparently I talk about it when I'm not sober also..."I really want to watch LOTR right now! I want to watch the second one!"....no memory of this conversation, which still makes me laugh.
You know you're a geek when you talk about LOTR while intoxicated. Just saying...funny.
More about the USA win tomorrow...So fucking amazing! I scared my poor puppy by yelling loudly in excitement everytime USA scored a goal. He jumped up and ran into his crate. Poor baby.
Also good news: I think Luca is finally house broken. This is so exciting! No more cleaning up crap! He's pretty good at knowing what to chew and not to chew now too. Hopefully soon he can have the run of the house...just have to get him to stop eating my socks and pens...
A. I don't want to be quarantined from people
B. I don't want to get behind in work
C. I should have known better than to share a drink with someone after they said their throat was sore. For some reason I rationalized it as them being hung over. Probably because it was early in the day (1 PM) and I was still tired. I don't wake up until 3 PM or so...
This weekend is the next full moon. I can't be sick during that after all.
On the bright side, I can make the wraith scream that Katya enjoys so much. Yes I'm talking about LOTR. Apparently I talk about it when I'm not sober also..."I really want to watch LOTR right now! I want to watch the second one!"....no memory of this conversation, which still makes me laugh.
You know you're a geek when you talk about LOTR while intoxicated. Just saying...funny.
More about the USA win tomorrow...So fucking amazing! I scared my poor puppy by yelling loudly in excitement everytime USA scored a goal. He jumped up and ran into his crate. Poor baby.
Also good news: I think Luca is finally house broken. This is so exciting! No more cleaning up crap! He's pretty good at knowing what to chew and not to chew now too. Hopefully soon he can have the run of the house...just have to get him to stop eating my socks and pens...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I Wish That I Had Tried
Today my friend posted this music video on facebook and I fell in love with the song. Plus the black girl is really pretty and her voice is good too.
I was one with you, breathing
And was close to you, in your sleep
And I don’t deny, waiting
For the little light from you
And I wish that I had tried
Mmm baby I now wished that ‘us’ away
Oh no, if I wish that hard enough would love come home, home again
Latina's They Get Krazy
The only thing I miss about New York is feeling like a latino. The latina ladies who worked in the cafe would talk to me in Spanish. I usually didn't know what they were saying, but in some manner they were saying 'you're one of us.' My group of friends was primarily brown. My "brother," Tj, was afghani. My most recent ex is straight from Trinidad. Ashly B., Brittany, Hassan and Rj were black. Plus all of Sean's (my ex) friends and cousins etc. were brown.
Down there latina's rule the best clubs and always appreciated. I picked up quite a bit of spanish and came to realized that I could understand some things that I shouldn't be able to because of those few short months I was in Peru as an infant.
I guess I need to figure out how to keep that part of me while living in caucasian dominated society. Funny I've always considered myself Peruvian, but not really American. After all my citizenship may be American, but my blood is purely Peruvian. I'm really both, but not Peruvian-American. This doesn't apply to sports though clearly.
Down there latina's rule the best clubs and always appreciated. I picked up quite a bit of spanish and came to realized that I could understand some things that I shouldn't be able to because of those few short months I was in Peru as an infant.
I guess I need to figure out how to keep that part of me while living in caucasian dominated society. Funny I've always considered myself Peruvian, but not really American. After all my citizenship may be American, but my blood is purely Peruvian. I'm really both, but not Peruvian-American. This doesn't apply to sports though clearly.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Zombieland
I'm not talking about the movie (which was excellent). I'm talking about my dream. I returned from Portland happy and clear headed, but sleepy (not tired). So naturally I took a nap.
I usually have really intense, vivid dreams, but lately not so much or nothing memorable after 5 minutes of being conscious.
We were in a mall (we being Jared E., Katya, Hallie, Ali, Aaron and one of the guys from the room next to Hallies (can't remember which one), someone else and me), more specifically we were eating in a little restaurant in a department store. We were waiting for one other man to show up and he did after a few minutes. He walked over to me and told me he had a friend with him who needed to sit with us. I agreed, but was a little weirded out by how he said it.
The guy I talked with was tall, dark and handsome. He was dressed up and wearing mostly black. His friend was taller, darker and more attractive (looked kind of like Matthew Bomer), but I didn't like him. In reality I think he's someone I know, but in the dream he looked different than the person I know does. I don't know who that person is though.
He sad down and ate with us though. The whole time I watched him out of the corner of my eye. My instincts told me something wasn't right about him. I couldn't figure out what it was though so I classified him as evil. After our meal we hung out until suddenly my tall, dark, and handsome friend said he and his friend had to leave.
Ali had a thing for my friend and thought something weird was going on also, so we followed them to their car. Imagine my surprise when I realized they had a carriage, not a car. We listened to them talking about something big about to happen and having to prepare for it and casualties etc. Ali tried to stop me, but I leapt out from behind a different car and asked, "What the fuck is going on?" I ran over to the guy and pointed a knife at him. He laughed and said "well I'm glad you're prepared."
I've had a kind of "get to the point, get out or I'll punch you in the face" attitude toward men lately, which is probably why I threatened him with the knife. Anyway there was only room for 2 in the carriage. My friend decided to walk with Ali (she kept changin from Hallie to Ali, so I'm not sure which one she really was). I went in the carriage and he told me a zombie apocolypse had started. He took me to an apartment building inside a warehouse and said this would be the safest place to defend from. He taught me a few spear and sword maneuvers. Later some of the others joined me, including jared, ali/hallie, and my friend. The rest had been bitten by zombies apparently.
So we lived there for awhile. My tall, dark and handsome friend came and went with his friend. We heard stories about how bad it was out there, but we were safe and had everything we needed. Occasionally we would go out on the deck (5 stories high) and watch the mayhem. It was kind of sad actually. People tried to get into our place, but were unable. I think the only person we let in was a kid.
So one day the guy I had previously thought was evil and I had lunch. He finally told me his secret. He was an alien. (In reality this would be a fml moment, because aliens terrify me). I found out that he and his people were sent to save humanity. He also told me that there was a new breed of zombies. The kind that can use their brains. They're like humans, except they possess little emotion and need human flesh to live. They even look relatively normal (a little gray in the skin). He said that he and his people had to regroup on their spaceship and be reborn in order to save humanity. Apparently oxygen did something to them to turn them into humans slowly. He showed my a picture in my mind of what they looked like originally. He looks like the aliens from the energizer battery commercial, but real not cartoon. He was the prince though and his soldiers were like short gremlin things that looked like cute stuffed animals.
So he and my friend left to prepare. One day there was a loud noise and somehow a large wooden ship had crashed 1000 feet or so from our building. The new zombies decided to live there. It was about as tall as the building, so we had to stay inside the building. If they saw us they would try to catch us. One day night I decided to sneak onto the porch in case the aliens were out there. It was wishful thinking really. Unfortunately they saw me. I woke everyone up and yelled that we had to get out. Only Ali/Hallie and I made it out. While the zombies were in the building, she and I ran to the ship and started to climb it. We then realized there were even more zombies in the ship. We ended up clinging to the side where they couldn't get us. I was hanging onto a rope and she was in a crevice.
My arms were getting tired, but luckily the spaceship arrived. I decided that was probably a good time to take over the ship. The nearest zombie woman had been trying to get to me the whole time I was there so I swung over and knocked her off the boat. She died. Ali and I finally managed to kill about 50 zombies on the ship, but more kept coming. Finally the spaceship opened it's door and soldiers marched out. They were pretty much killing machines. The prince came out looking like that alien. I was little creeped out. How would you feel if you were dating a gray alien thing who previously looked like a really hot human man? The battle went on for awhile until someone stabbed him. I thought he was dead, but instead he turned into his human form.
Then I woke up :(
I usually only have zombie dreams when I'm getting sick or have a fever. Neither apply, so I'm not sure what this dream was really about, but I kind of wanted it to continue...
Also it reminded me of freshman year. Imani and I used to share our dreams. It made me realize that aspects of that year weren't so bad. Most were, but there were good times. I also came to the conclusion that I have finally forgiven Harlan. He broke up with me twice and after the second time, I couldn't forgive him. So, I came to despise him and finally I broke it off. It's nice to have one less grudge to harbor.
I usually have really intense, vivid dreams, but lately not so much or nothing memorable after 5 minutes of being conscious.
We were in a mall (we being Jared E., Katya, Hallie, Ali, Aaron and one of the guys from the room next to Hallies (can't remember which one), someone else and me), more specifically we were eating in a little restaurant in a department store. We were waiting for one other man to show up and he did after a few minutes. He walked over to me and told me he had a friend with him who needed to sit with us. I agreed, but was a little weirded out by how he said it.
The guy I talked with was tall, dark and handsome. He was dressed up and wearing mostly black. His friend was taller, darker and more attractive (looked kind of like Matthew Bomer), but I didn't like him. In reality I think he's someone I know, but in the dream he looked different than the person I know does. I don't know who that person is though.
Ali had a thing for my friend and thought something weird was going on also, so we followed them to their car. Imagine my surprise when I realized they had a carriage, not a car. We listened to them talking about something big about to happen and having to prepare for it and casualties etc. Ali tried to stop me, but I leapt out from behind a different car and asked, "What the fuck is going on?" I ran over to the guy and pointed a knife at him. He laughed and said "well I'm glad you're prepared."
I've had a kind of "get to the point, get out or I'll punch you in the face" attitude toward men lately, which is probably why I threatened him with the knife. Anyway there was only room for 2 in the carriage. My friend decided to walk with Ali (she kept changin from Hallie to Ali, so I'm not sure which one she really was). I went in the carriage and he told me a zombie apocolypse had started. He took me to an apartment building inside a warehouse and said this would be the safest place to defend from. He taught me a few spear and sword maneuvers. Later some of the others joined me, including jared, ali/hallie, and my friend. The rest had been bitten by zombies apparently.
So we lived there for awhile. My tall, dark and handsome friend came and went with his friend. We heard stories about how bad it was out there, but we were safe and had everything we needed. Occasionally we would go out on the deck (5 stories high) and watch the mayhem. It was kind of sad actually. People tried to get into our place, but were unable. I think the only person we let in was a kid.
So one day the guy I had previously thought was evil and I had lunch. He finally told me his secret. He was an alien. (In reality this would be a fml moment, because aliens terrify me). I found out that he and his people were sent to save humanity. He also told me that there was a new breed of zombies. The kind that can use their brains. They're like humans, except they possess little emotion and need human flesh to live. They even look relatively normal (a little gray in the skin). He said that he and his people had to regroup on their spaceship and be reborn in order to save humanity. Apparently oxygen did something to them to turn them into humans slowly. He showed my a picture in my mind of what they looked like originally. He looks like the aliens from the energizer battery commercial, but real not cartoon. He was the prince though and his soldiers were like short gremlin things that looked like cute stuffed animals.
My arms were getting tired, but luckily the spaceship arrived. I decided that was probably a good time to take over the ship. The nearest zombie woman had been trying to get to me the whole time I was there so I swung over and knocked her off the boat. She died. Ali and I finally managed to kill about 50 zombies on the ship, but more kept coming. Finally the spaceship opened it's door and soldiers marched out. They were pretty much killing machines. The prince came out looking like that alien. I was little creeped out. How would you feel if you were dating a gray alien thing who previously looked like a really hot human man? The battle went on for awhile until someone stabbed him. I thought he was dead, but instead he turned into his human form.
Then I woke up :(
I usually only have zombie dreams when I'm getting sick or have a fever. Neither apply, so I'm not sure what this dream was really about, but I kind of wanted it to continue...
Also it reminded me of freshman year. Imani and I used to share our dreams. It made me realize that aspects of that year weren't so bad. Most were, but there were good times. I also came to the conclusion that I have finally forgiven Harlan. He broke up with me twice and after the second time, I couldn't forgive him. So, I came to despise him and finally I broke it off. It's nice to have one less grudge to harbor.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Back To Square One
Do you ever feel like aspects of your life go in circles?
I fell asleep during the US/France curling competition. Heard the french men speaking, which translated to french people in my dream. They were in the background. I jolted awake when I realized what the dream was about. It's already started. I guess it was more the feeling I had that woke me up.
I've been carrying it with me all evening. Not sure whether to scream or cry. Neither seem appropriate at the moment.
One of my guy friends once commented on the games women play. That just kind of popped into my head today. I guess we're known for making up tests for men to pass (which they rarely do). I try hard not to do either of those things. I don't want to be classified as one of those women, but sometimes I wonder if it's not necessary?
When will this get easy?
Yeah I know. Never.
Make Me Believe - Angel Taylor
Written All Over My Face - Kris Allen
Radio Waves - Eli Young Band
Day & Night - Basshunter
Goodbye - Kristinia DeBarge
Cry Tonight - Kim Sozzi
Never Say Never - Armin van Buuren & Jacqueline Govaert
Breathless - Cascada
Good Bye Peace of Mind
This week has been the best in a long time. I watched the Olympics and that pretty much sums it up. Actually they have pretty much been my life this week. It's a good thing though. After all I want to be one of those 5 sport psychologists for the USOC.
Most of all I have enjoyed my break from men. I've been hiding out at the cabin all week and aside from going to the hockey game with Rick and a small run in with Nate, I have been perfectly happy being a hermit. I guess Nate has a point there. I'm sure there will be another ladies night sometime soon though and I do look forward to seeing people again.
Now the relaxation comes to an end. Time to get back to work. Time to let my peace of mind go. Time again to fight for everything I want.
I'll do a blog on the Olympics sometime soon...
Most of all I have enjoyed my break from men. I've been hiding out at the cabin all week and aside from going to the hockey game with Rick and a small run in with Nate, I have been perfectly happy being a hermit. I guess Nate has a point there. I'm sure there will be another ladies night sometime soon though and I do look forward to seeing people again.
Now the relaxation comes to an end. Time to get back to work. Time to let my peace of mind go. Time again to fight for everything I want.
I'll do a blog on the Olympics sometime soon...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What I Like About You
Henry:"With me it was Vince. With Ben it was Vince....Do you see a pattern?"
I love the show What I Like About You. I love Amanda Bynes. She's hilarious. The show is a comedic take on realistic situations, but there is more drama and always a happy ending.
The end of the show is the best part though. Holly stows away in Vince's car (he's driving down to Florida to be a bartender for the summer, because he thinks Holly is back with her ex, Henry and wants to get away) and rides down in the back, while Vince is in the front with a girl he picked up the day before. Basically she ends up sitting on a rock until he finds her. They decide to try again, so she returns to NY and he stays in Florida. He decides he misses her and returns to NY. The end.
Yes it's incredibly complicated. In fact, it reminds me of my own life in regard to men at least. Always complicated. Always dramatic. People say "it doesn't have to be that way" or "you can find someone better," but honestly I don't care about anyone "better" and I don't believe in soul mates. I know it doesn't have to be the way it is, but it's how I want it...or closer to how I want it than if I walked away.
I'm not the kind of woman who find it easy to commit to one guy. I get bored. I like to flirt. Then I figured out the pattern. I kept running away from guys, because it never felt right. I was never completely happy with them. There are people I can be happy with though. I know that now. I also know that it won't come easily. Nothing ever does. The hardest part is not quite having it and being afraid that it will be taken away before I really get a chance.
The quote, "to win you have to be willing to fail" comes to mind. It's true and it's difficult. Most days are struggle and I cry sometimes out of frustration and hurt, but it only lasts a short while before I am able to remember the good things and get the support from friends and family that I need. I used to think that it was my burden to bear and I couldn't share it with anyone else. Well it turns out there are people who care enough not to leave me alone with this. Luckily I can't stay sad and I know what I want, even if he doesn't.
Chick Flicks
My two favorite lines of the movie:
"i'm not willing to gamble my entire life on someone who's, well, not quite sure. It's like what you said: I'm still looking for someone who's more extraordinary than that."
and
"wait a minute. Nice boys don't kiss like that."
"Oh yes we fucking do."
Now I'm watching Cutting Edge 2. I also love this movie. It's not a great film, but I love it anyway. She's a stubborn, ambitious figure skater who loses her ability to compete individually after a fall during a performance. She meets Alex. He's a stubborn professional roller blader, who has no idea what he wants to do with his life. Of course after much trial and error they get together in the end. The stories with the stubborn guy and girl are the ones I like the most; probably because I'm stubborn. I also like this movie because the guy is incredibly hot (being honest about that)
.
My favorite lines:Alex:"Have you ever done one stupid, spontaneous, passionate thing in your life?"
Jackie:"Why do i feel like I spend my whole life waiting for him..wait, how true is that statement."
Jackie:"But what if I tell him, and he still doesn't want me."
Jackie's Dad:"Well then you sit here and watch the sun rise and your old man will bring you coffee and chocolate..."
That first line said by Alex has stuck with me. I'm the kind of person who likes to have things planned out. I have a calendar and I plan out exactly how much time it takes to get from one place to another. I like to be about 5 minutes early or exactly on time and I hate being late, but that quote reminds me that sometimes being spontaneous is good.
The second is...pretty self explanatory and the third is a a typical father/daughter scene.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Too Soon
Today was good. Incredibly relaxing. Pairs skating and this evening I just had a shock.
My friend from Tennessee got engaged today. I think I stared at the photo for a full minute with my mouth open. Then I thought, oh my god it's happening. it's started.
I'm incredibly happy for her, but I'm still in amazement. My second thought was: wait...she's younger than me. that's not fair.
My first friend is getting married. Who's next? and...
Line of thought: oh-my-god-she's-engaged-oh-my-god-I'm-so-happy-for-her-oh-my-god-it's-happening-wait-when-will-it-be-my-turn and repeat
Off to bed now I guess...
My friend from Tennessee got engaged today. I think I stared at the photo for a full minute with my mouth open. Then I thought, oh my god it's happening. it's started.
My first friend is getting married. Who's next? and...
Line of thought: oh-my-god-she's-engaged-oh-my-god-I'm-so-happy-for-her-oh-my-god-it's-happening-wait-when-will-it-be-my-turn and repeat
Off to bed now I guess...
Valentines Day - PostSecret Style
PostSecret posted this on facebook and I liked it. I thought the first one was especially romantic and sad at the same time.
V Day
It's not too bad this year. I'm surprised that I'm so relaxed and not thinking about stabbing couples and heart signs.
Mé srdce je v Irsku.
C'est vrai. Everyone knows it anyway...they just don't know what I just said.
I guess Luca is my valentine this year. I don't mind. Yesterday I was thinking and came to realize that he's one of the best things that ever happened to me. He has brought out that little piece of me that I always keep isolated and the loving/nurturing side of me. I have this new feeling when I see him running around through the snow or when he flops down and turns over so I'll rub his stomach etc. It's not exactly new, but it occurs more often now that I have him. I have come to the conclusion that it's a very pure love.
Love isn't always so pure and that's why it fades, but the pure kind lasts. I clean up his poop when he has an accident in the house (which hasn't happened recently!), ink stains, get up early, take him for walks when I don't want to, don't mind him licking my face, and barely notice his potent farts anymore. I don't ever feel annoyed or angry or resentful. I accept him for what he is and how he is. I have almost reached that stage with someone else in my life. The feeling is a little more sporadic though.
Mé srdce je v Irsku.
C'est vrai. Everyone knows it anyway...they just don't know what I just said.
I guess Luca is my valentine this year. I don't mind. Yesterday I was thinking and came to realize that he's one of the best things that ever happened to me. He has brought out that little piece of me that I always keep isolated and the loving/nurturing side of me. I have this new feeling when I see him running around through the snow or when he flops down and turns over so I'll rub his stomach etc. It's not exactly new, but it occurs more often now that I have him. I have come to the conclusion that it's a very pure love.
Love isn't always so pure and that's why it fades, but the pure kind lasts. I clean up his poop when he has an accident in the house (which hasn't happened recently!), ink stains, get up early, take him for walks when I don't want to, don't mind him licking my face, and barely notice his potent farts anymore. I don't ever feel annoyed or angry or resentful. I accept him for what he is and how he is. I have almost reached that stage with someone else in my life. The feeling is a little more sporadic though.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
End It
The day.
I shouldn't be up right now.
There's a film of salt over my contacts from crying.
It's funny what can turn a day around (again). Been talking to a friend/ex from Hofstra. He's good at making me laugh. Offering to punch people is always nice too.
Katya always cheers me up too :)
Tonight she said "Cause if he did that (hurt me purposefully) then the whole town would be after him haha and by town I mean me"
Speaking of feisty little Peruvians...
About the guy I hit today...College athlete from UNH. He deserved it. Not only was he hitting on me, he was extremely arrogant and when he tried to touch my shoulder...BAM. In the face. Then I walked away and laughed. His buddies were laughing too. Hopefully he learned his lesson
I shouldn't be up right now.
There's a film of salt over my contacts from crying.
It's funny what can turn a day around (again). Been talking to a friend/ex from Hofstra. He's good at making me laugh. Offering to punch people is always nice too.
Katya always cheers me up too :)
Tonight she said "Cause if he did that (hurt me purposefully) then the whole town would be after him haha and by town I mean me"
Speaking of feisty little Peruvians...
About the guy I hit today...College athlete from UNH. He deserved it. Not only was he hitting on me, he was extremely arrogant and when he tried to touch my shoulder...BAM. In the face. Then I walked away and laughed. His buddies were laughing too. Hopefully he learned his lesson
When It Rains
This is one of the few songs that constantly gets stuck in my head. I hate listening to sad songs, so I don't like having it stuck in my head constantly, but I like the song.
I guess the test for me this coming week is going to be not isolating myself.
Forgot to mention that I bitch slapped a guy who hit on me today. He deserved it though.
I guess the test for me this coming week is going to be not isolating myself.
Forgot to mention that I bitch slapped a guy who hit on me today. He deserved it though.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Breathless
I recently bought Cascada's newest album. Each song is great. My three favorites are: Fever, Ready or Not, and Breathless. Some of them are sad, but all are danceable and catchy. They make me happy and if I'm smiling while walking around with my ipod, it's probably because I'm listening to Cascada.
Uptown another endless night,
Hearts break in early morning light.
I take my time.
Downtown alone some boy at home
Don't know what's really going on.
I take my time, but underneath it all it feels so right.
I feel am going crazy, but I won't cry tonight.
Don't turn away,
I need to say you are the one who leaves me breathless.
Don't run away,
I wanna stay as long as I can be with you.
Now I know, I never meant to break a promise.
I never meant to say goodbye.
Don't turn away,
I wanna stay as long as I can be with you.
What is my destination?
Spinning so fast I can't slow down
I lose my head when you're around.
Don't tell me to run away from this
Cause you've got the love I can't resist
How can I breathe?
How should I feel?
I don't need no superman
Trying to tell me who I am
Know it all's a driving me crazy
"Nothing ever is for sure."
I can't take this anymore.
All I want is yes or no baby.
Can you give it out?
Don't stop just take it to the limit.
Watch me boy it's spinning around this time.
Hush, hush, running to the night, feel alive...
I just can't get enough when I'm with you,
'Cause your fever makes me feel good.
Turn it up boy you make your move.
See I'm burning, but it feels so good.
Win
Always.
I never lose...
I get very heated over my teams. What I show is only a little of my reaction. So I haven't been keeping up with the Sabres as much as I should lately. Apparently they have lost the past 4 games. The Bruins has a losing streak also until the last game against Toronto. If you were as talented and had as great of a season as Ryan Miller has had so far, you would be tired too. Watching this first period I realize that the 2 goals scored against the Sabres are hugely a result of the boys lacking vigor and they're making some sloppy passes resulting in turnovers.
But if this were really a hockey analysis, then I would put it in my hockey blog. The Sabres and Bruins are rivals though. It's not as big as the red sox/yankee rivalry, but still important. The Sabres almost always come out on top too. I've never been to a game at the garden where the Sabres didn't beat the Bruins. I'm passionate about them. Ryan Miller is my hero.
So at this time of the month all of my emotions are heightened. I never liked the Bruins, but right now, it's stronger than usual. I really dislike Vladimir Sobotka. I used to have a lot of respect for him, but I lost it when he tried to start something with Nate in Portland. You pick on the little guy, I put you on my "should be tortured to death slowly" list. So his face is on the tv right now and I want to throw things at it.
So I'm going to eat brownies with some milk and hope that calms me down.
I never lose...
I get very heated over my teams. What I show is only a little of my reaction. So I haven't been keeping up with the Sabres as much as I should lately. Apparently they have lost the past 4 games. The Bruins has a losing streak also until the last game against Toronto. If you were as talented and had as great of a season as Ryan Miller has had so far, you would be tired too. Watching this first period I realize that the 2 goals scored against the Sabres are hugely a result of the boys lacking vigor and they're making some sloppy passes resulting in turnovers.
But if this were really a hockey analysis, then I would put it in my hockey blog. The Sabres and Bruins are rivals though. It's not as big as the red sox/yankee rivalry, but still important. The Sabres almost always come out on top too. I've never been to a game at the garden where the Sabres didn't beat the Bruins. I'm passionate about them. Ryan Miller is my hero.
So at this time of the month all of my emotions are heightened. I never liked the Bruins, but right now, it's stronger than usual. I really dislike Vladimir Sobotka. I used to have a lot of respect for him, but I lost it when he tried to start something with Nate in Portland. You pick on the little guy, I put you on my "should be tortured to death slowly" list. So his face is on the tv right now and I want to throw things at it.
So I'm going to eat brownies with some milk and hope that calms me down.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Reassess
You know what I like best about myself? My optimism.
Sometimes I get down, but never for long. Like tonight. Going to bed feeling a little hopeless about a couple of things. Tomorrow morning, I bet you my puppy, that I'll wake up feeling like anything is possible...unless I have another dream like last night.
I guess hormones also have a part to play this week. Tonight I kind of want to destroy men and eat a lot of chocolate and popcorn. Nope, you will never be able to quite understand this guys, just accept it and stay out of my way or be very very very nice and get me chocolate. It's always nice not to pms by yourself. I have company even if she's 3 hours away. Don't feel so alone. I am sane enough at the moment to know that this has nothing to do with vday. I'm quite looking forward to eating a lot of chocolate and watching romantic comedies. Maybe I'll even get to see Valentine's Day.
I'm psyched that BC won 4-3. I'll be wearing the shirt on Saturday all day and evening if it arrives in time (lost the bet, but won the game). I'll even show Nate. Friday where are you?!
I'm going to go listen to depressing music now. hehe!
Sometimes I get down, but never for long. Like tonight. Going to bed feeling a little hopeless about a couple of things. Tomorrow morning, I bet you my puppy, that I'll wake up feeling like anything is possible...unless I have another dream like last night.
I guess hormones also have a part to play this week. Tonight I kind of want to destroy men and eat a lot of chocolate and popcorn. Nope, you will never be able to quite understand this guys, just accept it and stay out of my way or be very very very nice and get me chocolate. It's always nice not to pms by yourself. I have company even if she's 3 hours away. Don't feel so alone. I am sane enough at the moment to know that this has nothing to do with vday. I'm quite looking forward to eating a lot of chocolate and watching romantic comedies. Maybe I'll even get to see Valentine's Day.
I'm psyched that BC won 4-3. I'll be wearing the shirt on Saturday all day and evening if it arrives in time (lost the bet, but won the game). I'll even show Nate. Friday where are you?!
I'm going to go listen to depressing music now. hehe!
Who is that?!
He's a insurance salesman!
No, he's a penguin!
Nope, it's Nate.
Watching the beanpot. It's currently the beginning of the second period. Now tied 1-1 (BC just scored). I switched teams. I'm now rooting for BC. After all Maine is represented by Brian Dumoulin and Nate is a BC alum. Two good reasons to support BC. I've been avoiding Nate lately in every situation lately (It's not that hard outside of the arena). No more messaging back and forth (except he told me he was going to be at the beanpot a couple of days ago). No talking. It's just painful. Have you ever felt that someone is so unbelievably adorable. He's so fucking adorable that it literally makes me ache. Sharp pain I can stand. Aches are torture. I wish I were that fucking adorable. He's the essence of adorable perfection in the body of a small man.
No, he's a penguin!
Nope, it's Nate.
Watching the beanpot. It's currently the beginning of the second period. Now tied 1-1 (BC just scored). I switched teams. I'm now rooting for BC. After all Maine is represented by Brian Dumoulin and Nate is a BC alum. Two good reasons to support BC. I've been avoiding Nate lately in every situation lately (It's not that hard outside of the arena). No more messaging back and forth (except he told me he was going to be at the beanpot a couple of days ago). No talking. It's just painful. Have you ever felt that someone is so unbelievably adorable. He's so fucking adorable that it literally makes me ache. Sharp pain I can stand. Aches are torture. I wish I were that fucking adorable. He's the essence of adorable perfection in the body of a small man.
Won't listen to any advice.
Mommas tellin' me I should think twice,
But left to my own devices,
I'm addicted its a crisis.
My friends think ive gone crazy.
My judgment's gettin' kinda hazy.
My sneeze is gonna be affected,
If i keep it up like a love sick crack head.
Fever
I'm ready for this week to be over with. What about you?
This past weekend was great. Ladies night was so much fun. We should do it more often. It was nice to see Rick for the first time this year. I stole the key to the trunk of his car. That was fun. Saturday was uneventful, but that's exactly what I needed. Then went to see Avatar in the evening with my parents. Just as good the second time around. It made me think about indigenous people (I'll get to that in a minute). Last night was the super bowl. That was pretty fun too.
This coming weekend should be the best of the month, although I think the 21st will probably be the best Sunday of the month.
I've always wanted to have a big brother. Being an eldest sibling is a lot of work. I usually enjoy it though, except when I'm worrying that my little sister is going to mess up. I guess that's just part of life, but it sucks when she says she wants to be like me and then does things I wouldn't have done. I feel a little guilty about being the "good" daughter. I know it's a lot to live up to. I'm not saying she's "bad." Not at all. I'm just...the one people tend to be jealous of. I get a lot of shit for that, but I refuse to be someone I'm not to make it easier.
The point of that was that I wish Simon Ferguson was my older brother. Out of every older guy I know, I would choose him. No...I've never wanted an older sister. I know I have 3, but I don't know them. Simon is a 26 year old man child...who I just realized in 2 months younger than a guy I dated. That's a little weird. Anyway! He's fun to joke around with and make fun of, but he knows when to be serious. So I'm really excited to see him back in Portland on Friday. I even made brownies this time! It'll be the best game of the year I bet.
Plus I have a new addition to my purse (some of you know what that is). That will make the night even more spectacular.
There is another game on Saturday and that is the weekend Katya comes home. Yay!
Then the next Sunday Hallie and I are going to Manchester for the all star game and the after party. I'm bringing Luca, because the hotel is pet friendly. I might get to stand on the bench and take photos. That's pretty exciting and obviously we all know the craziness that ensues when young hockey players party. I will enjoy it thoroughly, but don't think I won't smack them if they try anything. Silly boys. Not looking forward to the early drive back before class though. Luckily it's just my Psych lecture, so I can bring coffee and pass out when I get home. My parents would probably frown upon this, but I have everything planned out, (school, dog) so I feel prepared. It's my crazy 20 year old adventure of the month, because I'm not going to Boston today.
I really wanted to though. I would love to see the bean pot. Nate is going (psh BC alum bah!). I think I'm pulling for BC though. I'll definitely watch it in between House and Heroes tonight though. I have a feeling I'm going to be wearing BC clothing, because of that bet I made...
I'll save indigenous people for later after homework.
This past weekend was great. Ladies night was so much fun. We should do it more often. It was nice to see Rick for the first time this year. I stole the key to the trunk of his car. That was fun. Saturday was uneventful, but that's exactly what I needed. Then went to see Avatar in the evening with my parents. Just as good the second time around. It made me think about indigenous people (I'll get to that in a minute). Last night was the super bowl. That was pretty fun too.
This coming weekend should be the best of the month, although I think the 21st will probably be the best Sunday of the month.
I've always wanted to have a big brother. Being an eldest sibling is a lot of work. I usually enjoy it though, except when I'm worrying that my little sister is going to mess up. I guess that's just part of life, but it sucks when she says she wants to be like me and then does things I wouldn't have done. I feel a little guilty about being the "good" daughter. I know it's a lot to live up to. I'm not saying she's "bad." Not at all. I'm just...the one people tend to be jealous of. I get a lot of shit for that, but I refuse to be someone I'm not to make it easier.
The point of that was that I wish Simon Ferguson was my older brother. Out of every older guy I know, I would choose him. No...I've never wanted an older sister. I know I have 3, but I don't know them. Simon is a 26 year old man child...who I just realized in 2 months younger than a guy I dated. That's a little weird. Anyway! He's fun to joke around with and make fun of, but he knows when to be serious. So I'm really excited to see him back in Portland on Friday. I even made brownies this time! It'll be the best game of the year I bet.
There is another game on Saturday and that is the weekend Katya comes home. Yay!
Then the next Sunday Hallie and I are going to Manchester for the all star game and the after party. I'm bringing Luca, because the hotel is pet friendly. I might get to stand on the bench and take photos. That's pretty exciting and obviously we all know the craziness that ensues when young hockey players party. I will enjoy it thoroughly, but don't think I won't smack them if they try anything. Silly boys. Not looking forward to the early drive back before class though. Luckily it's just my Psych lecture, so I can bring coffee and pass out when I get home. My parents would probably frown upon this, but I have everything planned out, (school, dog) so I feel prepared. It's my crazy 20 year old adventure of the month, because I'm not going to Boston today.
I really wanted to though. I would love to see the bean pot. Nate is going (psh BC alum bah!). I think I'm pulling for BC though. I'll definitely watch it in between House and Heroes tonight though. I have a feeling I'm going to be wearing BC clothing, because of that bet I made...
I'll save indigenous people for later after homework.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sports
So the Colts lost. It's unfortunate, but they made some mistakes that they shouldn't have and that's that. Peyton needs to take a couple of days to cool off, and then revisit his mistakes. The rest of the team, likewise.
So I'm not annoyed that they lost, as much as because people being ignorant of why they lost. "They lost because they suck." Well that's intelligent. Not. That's like saying, "the kid stole a candy bar, therefore he's going to grow up to be a bad person." Really? The Colts were the better team, but they made mistakes, therefore the Saints won. It also bothers me that people were rooting for the saints because of New Orleans etc. The game and the talent are about the game and the talent. Like team USA beat the Soviet union back in the 60s because they were extremely conditioned and played well as a team. It was about doing their best, not showing the Soviet Union who was boss. Sure to many people it was about that, but how much did they really know about hockey? How much would they have cared otherwise? Not much. Yes it's great that the Saints were able to win their first super bowl, but the focus should be on talent, effort and teamwork first and foremost.
I could tell you the strengths and weaknesses of each guy playing for the Portland Pirates. I could say the same for a lot of other players and teams in the AHL as well. I could tell you what makes the Buffalo Sabres such a great team this year and compare them to last year and the year before that. I could compare them to many of the other teams in the NHL reasonably. I won't root for another team just because someone I like is on it. They have to be talented, team oriented and with a good team. I know why the Colts lost, although I don't know all of the terminology and rules. I'm proud of the fact that I learned everything I know about hockey on my own, without asking questions of other people and I've been learning football the same way.
However, not everyone is so observant and not everything is so easily understood. I always appreciate the willingness to learn when a friend asks me a question about a sport or a team. Who better to ask than those who understand and experience it the most.
I have always disliked ignorance, but sports ignorance is near the top of the list. It's my field. I'm going to be an expert afterall. I expect people who have an opinion about a sport (whatever sport it may be) to be well informed and rational about it. I don't see anything wrong with that expectation.
So I'm not annoyed that they lost, as much as because people being ignorant of why they lost. "They lost because they suck." Well that's intelligent. Not. That's like saying, "the kid stole a candy bar, therefore he's going to grow up to be a bad person." Really? The Colts were the better team, but they made mistakes, therefore the Saints won. It also bothers me that people were rooting for the saints because of New Orleans etc. The game and the talent are about the game and the talent. Like team USA beat the Soviet union back in the 60s because they were extremely conditioned and played well as a team. It was about doing their best, not showing the Soviet Union who was boss. Sure to many people it was about that, but how much did they really know about hockey? How much would they have cared otherwise? Not much. Yes it's great that the Saints were able to win their first super bowl, but the focus should be on talent, effort and teamwork first and foremost.
I could tell you the strengths and weaknesses of each guy playing for the Portland Pirates. I could say the same for a lot of other players and teams in the AHL as well. I could tell you what makes the Buffalo Sabres such a great team this year and compare them to last year and the year before that. I could compare them to many of the other teams in the NHL reasonably. I won't root for another team just because someone I like is on it. They have to be talented, team oriented and with a good team. I know why the Colts lost, although I don't know all of the terminology and rules. I'm proud of the fact that I learned everything I know about hockey on my own, without asking questions of other people and I've been learning football the same way.
However, not everyone is so observant and not everything is so easily understood. I always appreciate the willingness to learn when a friend asks me a question about a sport or a team. Who better to ask than those who understand and experience it the most.
I have always disliked ignorance, but sports ignorance is near the top of the list. It's my field. I'm going to be an expert afterall. I expect people who have an opinion about a sport (whatever sport it may be) to be well informed and rational about it. I don't see anything wrong with that expectation.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Seeing Red
It appears that I have a lot of pent up rage. I think I've been storing it up since I was about 4 years old and it pertains to particular memory, but I won't discuss that here.
I've said this before, I don't get mad. I don't. I'm honestly afraid of what I might do if I let it out. I guess recently I've realized that there are healthy ways to release it though and then it will be gone forever. Really anger is just a cover for hurt. I think it's safe to say I have a lot of that in me too. Luckily I can get rid of all that nasty stuff.
Today I was in the process of becoming very angry, but still in control. I can't lose it until all the facts come in after all. I did that once before, and almost made a huge mistake. So my hands were shaking badly, all of my muscles were clenched and I was ready. Then I realized it was a false alarm and I immediately relaxed. What I thought was interesting was that my anger suddenly disappeared. I know that's not possible though, so now I'm wondering where it went, because it's obviously still hidden somewhere.
Now to enjoy another relaxing weekend at the cabin. I finally get to see Avatar in the Imax theater tonight and tomorrow is the super bowl party!
GO COLTS! (They're my team)
I'm not really considering going to the beanpot on Monday night. I really want to, but I don't see it happening. This makes me sad. :(
I've said this before, I don't get mad. I don't. I'm honestly afraid of what I might do if I let it out. I guess recently I've realized that there are healthy ways to release it though and then it will be gone forever. Really anger is just a cover for hurt. I think it's safe to say I have a lot of that in me too. Luckily I can get rid of all that nasty stuff.
Today I was in the process of becoming very angry, but still in control. I can't lose it until all the facts come in after all. I did that once before, and almost made a huge mistake. So my hands were shaking badly, all of my muscles were clenched and I was ready. Then I realized it was a false alarm and I immediately relaxed. What I thought was interesting was that my anger suddenly disappeared. I know that's not possible though, so now I'm wondering where it went, because it's obviously still hidden somewhere.
Now to enjoy another relaxing weekend at the cabin. I finally get to see Avatar in the Imax theater tonight and tomorrow is the super bowl party!
GO COLTS! (They're my team)
I'm not really considering going to the beanpot on Monday night. I really want to, but I don't see it happening. This makes me sad. :(
Friday, February 5, 2010
Valentines
I decided this year I'm going to make them for some of my friends (girls) and Beans. Might make one for Jared E. too, since he's basically my brother. I won't give too much away, but I figure Beans at least could use a laugh.
I love creativity.
Now to sleep and not dream about being pregnant like last night...weird stuff.
I love creativity.
Now to sleep and not dream about being pregnant like last night...weird stuff.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Random 1
Random thought of the night before bed: It seems like all of my friends are breaking up/have broken up, but quite a few acquaintances are in relationships. Psh.
I bring this up, because it parallels dinner with Emma and man talk.
I bring this up, because it parallels dinner with Emma and man talk.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Busy As A Bee
Yup That's Me.
My February is even more booked now. So good luck seeing me this month unless you already have plans.
Today was superb. I went to one class, ran/sped to the CCCC for a hockey game with Kate, walked my dog, went to another class. The hockey game was great. Imagine the Civic Center...full of children...cheering. Deafening but adorable nonetheless.
I'm most happy about my ear piercing though. I've been thinking it over for a couple of years and today I finally got my third hole on the left ear and second on the right. Next step: belly button. Third step: Tattoo. Phasing them in slowly.
Also, I hate to admit this, but I met quite a few cool people in class today. One knew the Sabres. One likes Atreyu. One...I feel like I've met before and he does too, but neither of us can remember where. Funny thing is he lived in Hempstead for awhile, which is where I went to school last year. I didn't meet him there. One loves Criminal Minds and one was just easy to talk to about anything even Luke. I always careful about what I say on that subject.
Today my deep thoughts were about a year ago. A year ago I was in a relationship. A year ago I went home for Valentines day/hockey games, because I wanted to see Hermit (nickname) more than the guy I was dating.
Tonight people commented on my boots. I get that a lot. I also get, "where did you get them?" My ex bought them for me...he bought me a lot of crap actually. Luckily I don't associate them with him, because then I'd have to give away half of my wardrobe.
This Valentine's Day weekend I have 2 hockey games also, but they're not on the actual day. This year I get to see Hermit at those games, but it's different now. I'm thinking Valentine's day will be good this year...hopefully. Katya is coming back that weekend, so that helps.
Second to last topic: Dear John.
If you haven't read the book, it was good, but I hated the ending. Basically he meets a girl and they fall in love. But he's a soldier, so he has to leave. She finds another man and falls in love with him and they live happily. John comes back and finds out. He never gets over her and lives a very long life in misery. I'll probably cry.
I've been thinking more clearly lately. I've been more open and showing my emotions. Today I skipped to Hallie and hugged her in the middle of Luther Bonney. I was happy. Also for the first time (this round anyway) I miss Luke. Yay I can be more open now, because what you (whoever you are) think doesn't matter to me.
Now to fall asleep to Owl City as usual.
My February is even more booked now. So good luck seeing me this month unless you already have plans.
Today was superb. I went to one class, ran/sped to the CCCC for a hockey game with Kate, walked my dog, went to another class. The hockey game was great. Imagine the Civic Center...full of children...cheering. Deafening but adorable nonetheless.
I'm most happy about my ear piercing though. I've been thinking it over for a couple of years and today I finally got my third hole on the left ear and second on the right. Next step: belly button. Third step: Tattoo. Phasing them in slowly.
Also, I hate to admit this, but I met quite a few cool people in class today. One knew the Sabres. One likes Atreyu. One...I feel like I've met before and he does too, but neither of us can remember where. Funny thing is he lived in Hempstead for awhile, which is where I went to school last year. I didn't meet him there. One loves Criminal Minds and one was just easy to talk to about anything even Luke. I always careful about what I say on that subject.
Today my deep thoughts were about a year ago. A year ago I was in a relationship. A year ago I went home for Valentines day/hockey games, because I wanted to see Hermit (nickname) more than the guy I was dating.
Tonight people commented on my boots. I get that a lot. I also get, "where did you get them?" My ex bought them for me...he bought me a lot of crap actually. Luckily I don't associate them with him, because then I'd have to give away half of my wardrobe.
This Valentine's Day weekend I have 2 hockey games also, but they're not on the actual day. This year I get to see Hermit at those games, but it's different now. I'm thinking Valentine's day will be good this year...hopefully. Katya is coming back that weekend, so that helps.
Second to last topic: Dear John.
If you haven't read the book, it was good, but I hated the ending. Basically he meets a girl and they fall in love. But he's a soldier, so he has to leave. She finds another man and falls in love with him and they live happily. John comes back and finds out. He never gets over her and lives a very long life in misery. I'll probably cry.
I've been thinking more clearly lately. I've been more open and showing my emotions. Today I skipped to Hallie and hugged her in the middle of Luther Bonney. I was happy. Also for the first time (this round anyway) I miss Luke. Yay I can be more open now, because what you (whoever you are) think doesn't matter to me.
Now to fall asleep to Owl City as usual.
I watch the night turn light blue,
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Down Goes The Moon
No longer a full moon, but close enough to still have some affect. I'd like to think that anyway. Alas my psychology brains, says no. It's probably something to do with my hormones at this time of the month blah blah boring.
I'm still excited about sport psychology though. Athletes are a breed of their own...elite are even more so. That's my goal. Their mental processes and physical limit pushing is so facinating...and it has nothing to do with the fact that some of them are attractive. I try so hard to avoid the perception that I'm just in it for the attractive men. I could never be so shallow. I'm very careful to avoid puck bunny status. I'm not a slut, nor will I ever be. I hate it when people even joke about it. Mostly it's guys who are jealous anyway, but I don't like it. Sorry about that little rant.
So I saw a preview for that Valentines movie. Looks like that weekend is going to be pretty packed. Probably going to pick Katya up in Northampton on Friday. Return home for the game that night with her, Kate and my USM friends...and a little party afterward. The party is going to start during for me at least. Not driving, that's all I have to say. That's the night Fergy is coming to play against the Pirates. I can't wait to see him again. I wish he were my big brother. Then another game the next day.
2 movies I want to see are coming out that weekend. The Wolfman and the valentines day one. This is my attempt to not hold Valentines day in contept for another year. I'm an optimist right? So...at least my dad will give me chocolate?
Men are silly. My new song to describe this is "Alright With Me" by Kris Allen. It always cheers me up and I've been needing that more recently. It applies to...well you don't need to know.
Playlist for driving to school:
Alright With Me - Kris Allen
Radio Waves - Eli Young Band
Hey, Soul Sister -
If I had You - Adam Lambert
Your Love is My Drug - Kesha
Last, Hallie and I started going to the rock climbing gym. So fun! I forgot how much I like to climb. I did really well considering it's been 7 years. It's going to be a weekly thing and I'm excited for it.
Another thing I'm excited for? The all star game on the 21st in Manchester. Hallie, my puppy and I are going to that. Then there is a Manchester Monarchs game right after it and then an after party. I joked with my hockey player friend about giving me a hockey stick to bat away horny hockey players. I'll do it too, but maybe we'll be able to find a tall guy for Hallie. Yes I'm always match making...and I get to network.
I'm still excited about sport psychology though. Athletes are a breed of their own...elite are even more so. That's my goal. Their mental processes and physical limit pushing is so facinating...and it has nothing to do with the fact that some of them are attractive. I try so hard to avoid the perception that I'm just in it for the attractive men. I could never be so shallow. I'm very careful to avoid puck bunny status. I'm not a slut, nor will I ever be. I hate it when people even joke about it. Mostly it's guys who are jealous anyway, but I don't like it. Sorry about that little rant.
So I saw a preview for that Valentines movie. Looks like that weekend is going to be pretty packed. Probably going to pick Katya up in Northampton on Friday. Return home for the game that night with her, Kate and my USM friends...and a little party afterward. The party is going to start during for me at least. Not driving, that's all I have to say. That's the night Fergy is coming to play against the Pirates. I can't wait to see him again. I wish he were my big brother. Then another game the next day.
2 movies I want to see are coming out that weekend. The Wolfman and the valentines day one. This is my attempt to not hold Valentines day in contept for another year. I'm an optimist right? So...at least my dad will give me chocolate?
Men are silly. My new song to describe this is "Alright With Me" by Kris Allen. It always cheers me up and I've been needing that more recently. It applies to...well you don't need to know.
Playlist for driving to school:
Alright With Me - Kris Allen
Radio Waves - Eli Young Band
Hey, Soul Sister -
If I had You - Adam Lambert
Your Love is My Drug - Kesha
I'm a little pawn still in your game
And you ignore my advances
I turn my head and I look away
But I can't control my eyes are on you
Oh, you're on the run and I'm chasing you
Feels like war with all your glances
I'm just a [girl] without a clue
And I can't control following you
But it's alright, alright with me
It's alright, alright with me
It's alright, alright with me
It's alright, alright with me
I know you better than you know
You can fight but it's not over
I say to stop but you start to go
I guess that means it's L-O-V-E
I say to look but you turn away
I say we put our best foot forward
Will you believe, come next to me
Oh, why can't you see, I'm begging you, please
Last, Hallie and I started going to the rock climbing gym. So fun! I forgot how much I like to climb. I did really well considering it's been 7 years. It's going to be a weekly thing and I'm excited for it.
Another thing I'm excited for? The all star game on the 21st in Manchester. Hallie, my puppy and I are going to that. Then there is a Manchester Monarchs game right after it and then an after party. I joked with my hockey player friend about giving me a hockey stick to bat away horny hockey players. I'll do it too, but maybe we'll be able to find a tall guy for Hallie. Yes I'm always match making...and I get to network.
Speaking of being spiteful...okay no I didn't say anything about it, but it was implied. I can't be. I can be, but I won't be. The problem with caring too much about someone is that when they hurt you and you want to return the favor, you cant...or I can't. I guess I'm too good of a person for that. *sigh*
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