If you were wondering what's on my mind...
This morning on my way to class I contemplated those of us who are more observant than most. Not long after Luke joined that thought process. Not the person, but as the subject. Yesterday was a really shitty day. I didn't really tell anyone how bad it was, but I asked him if he ever had one of those days where he doesn't know how he's gonna make it. The answer is irrelevant to whoever is reading, but I realized he's the first person I want to talk to when I feel so down. In fact he was the only one to make me laugh that day and previously after I'd been fighting with my mom I called him and beans. They both made me feel a lot better.
2. It made me wonder how much he really knows about me (and how I feel about him). In the evening yesterday I drove to the mall to meet up with Vano. On the way I realized that once he had tried to cheer me up by telling me I should dance. I don't remember why or when, but I remember it vaguely because I was surprised that he knew that's one of the few things that almost always makes me feel better. Then yesterday it was chocolate. Everyone knows I love chocolate, but I guess it surprised me that he paid that much attention?
This lead me to wonder if he knows more than I give him credit for...er want to give him credit for...er want him to know?
I remember having a conversation about it once. He said he was observant, he just didn't do anything about it. Whereas I'm observant, which helps my friends when they're having issues and need advice/neutral opinion etc.
I tend to keep my innermost thoughts and feelings to myself. I've gotten so good at it (which isn't a good thing really) that no one can tell unless I want them to. I've been less protective of myself with him though. Most people don't understand why. You'd think he's so inconsistent that he'd be the last person I'd trust. Truth be told, he's probably the first (I can hear Beans going "whyyyyy!?" and Carol saying "Girrrl, you're crazy!"). As for why, well, one of the two reason is that he was the only one to rely on during 2 of my biggest freak out moments since Decemberish (The Kate thing and something to do with my sister). So in my eyes, he proved himself (I don't really care about your eyes on this matter. Sorry, just don't).
But good luck trying to get me to say this to his face. I'm too shy for that :)
Anyway this makes me wonder what else he knows. I guess I'm more straightforward with him than I have been with other guys, because I have a higher respect for him (again good luck getting me to admit this). Manipulating people, especially men, comes easy to me, but I never do it purposely. Somehow I feel the need to prove this even more to him. Something like he needs to know that I would never do that.
However, I think I'm straightforward in a 'saying stuff without actually saying it' way. Believe me, it's possible. I like completely honestly. That's a main reason Beans is my brother. He's very straightforward. I like to be completely honest and lay everything out on the table the way it is. Sometimes that's tricky though. Maybe someday...
You're stuck on me and my laughin' eyes
I can't pretend though i try to hide
I like you, I like you
I think I felt my heart skip a beat
I'm standin' here and I can't hardly breathe
You got me
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