My Men

I think now is a good moment to explain the workshop I went to last weekend. If you remember, I went to a women's workshop about a month ago and I had a lot to say about that in one of my blog entries.

Well this work shop was on early memories. Basically the theory is, put in very simple terms, that our early experiences can have a profound effect on us (positively as well as negatively) and the lives we lead in the present. We evaluate that and work through anything that needs to be worked through to prevent further negative affects.

I worked on 2 parts of my early life. There is question asked by the counselor and then you say what first comes to your mind. For a bit, it was taking baths as a toddler. When we lived in Maine the first time, we had a large claw foot tub and my parents used to bathe me in there with them. I remember it being large and being able to paddle around. The feelings surrounding it are happiness and warmth. From there I remembered being bathed as a baby in a blue plastic tub. I also associated that with warmth, happiness and being connected with my parents. Then at some point I realized that warm happy place was also what I would have experienced in the womb (when my birth mother wasn't intoxicated at least). For me that's a positive feeling and it's nice to realize why I love taking long, warm showers or like to sit in a hot tub for so long.

The other one is not so pleasant. I've been working on my birth parents stuff, because it definitely affects me in my current life and I want to be free of that. I know it's possible. This work shop moved a huge chunk of that.

More specifically I've been working on my birth father. He left before I was born. I vaguely remember someone saying he had to disappear in order for my birth mother to legally give me up for adoption. So I never knew who he was. I know he was catholic though and I know he left. I know my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have a feeling he was also. After all it's a highly patriarchal society, so if he drank excessively, my birth mother would have been more likely to also and I know for sure she did. Makes sense. Also excessive drinking tends to be more prominent in lower classes.

So what's important? He left, he was catholic and he was probably an alcoholic.
Does this sound like anyone else we know?

Is it coincidence that the only man I haven't been able to get over disappears frequently, is catholic and an alcoholic? No it's not. There you have my early stuff relating to my current life. So I cried and got angry at my birth father all weekend (not at the current guy in my life). When I got there I was at a point where my biggest question was, who is this man who has so much pull over my life because of his absense. It explains a lot really. It explains my pull toward catholic men, working class men, the "pound puppies" as my dad calls it (after all I dated a heroin addict), and why I'm more attached to my adopted father than my mother. It's not rational, it's emotional and it can be gotten rid of.

By the end it was, well maybe it's time to let him go. So there was a little bit of me saying good bye dad. Then we attached it to the present and I had to say good bye to Luke. That was harder, but by the end I could actually think, "maybe I could say good bye to Luke." The point isn't really saying good bye to him. The point is that I am freer from those desperate emotions tying me to my birth father. To be clear I'm not saying he's literally a representative of my birth father. Just certain aspects are similar.

So this past week I haven't sent any texts to Luke. I decided if he wanted to talk to me he could initiate it. I didn't even think about it as much as usual. I felt like I could breath. I still do. I feel freer. These feelings aren't tying me down so much. Of course they're not gone completely. You can't do that in a weekend, but it can be done and that's what I will continue to work on. This weekend has also gotten me past a lot of the anger directed toward my birth parents. Anger is just a cover up emotion for hurt. That can be worked through. Wouldn't it be nice to be free of those feelings that affect us so much whether they're associated with our parents or other people or institutions? It's possible.

I'm starting my second week breathing more freely. It's glorious.
______________

But last night Luke sent me a text. He asked if I was mad at him. I asked him what made him think I was. He said it was because of how I acted in the bank before I left for the workshop and because I hadn't responded to his texts that week. He said he sent a couple and I never replied. Well I never got them or I would have (probably). I was somewhat mad at the bank. More like I was hurt that I told him I would be busy for a week and a half if he wasn't free before the workshop and as usual, he didn't step up. I was running around that day before having to drive to Bethel, so I didn't have time to cry over him. I just covered it up with anger.

I'm not really sure what to think though. Should I be pleased that he cared enough to ask? Does he care? I think my doubts are just more feelings getting in the way of me thinking clearly. Something along the line of "If my birth parents didn't care, if the woman who's supposed to have that strong biological bond with me gave me up then she didn't care, and if she didn't then why would anyone else?" Like I said, it's not real and I've worked on it enough to realize it. Needs more work though clearly.

So I think it's good that he thought about me. Things can't stay the same though. I'm thinking clearly enough to realize it. I can't function with him constantly disappearing and never knowing if at some point he's going to decide he won't come back. He needs to take a chance on me, because I have proven over the last 9 months and certainly since he decided he wanted to try "semi serious" that I am not going anywhere and that I can handle the fact that he's not as sure of where he's going in life as I am. That's okay.

I know my own worth and I don't want to be taken for granted. I've been patient, but at some point living in the grey area doesn't work any more and you have to take a stand. He said he wanted to try semi serious. Well this isn't semi serious. This is me waiting and hoping that he steps out of the grey area and crying weekly when he doesn't. I'm not a toy to be played with when there's time or he's interested or there's nothing else to do. I'm a person. I'm not just a person though. I'm the girl who cares about him more than almost any other man (aside from my dad and my brother of course).

Sometimes I just want swat him across the head and say, "hey you idiot. I..."*

But I'm not angry.

*to be continued when it happens