Crystal Clear

Funny that reminds me of my first dog, Krystal.

Basically this is an expansion of the entry I wrote on the Early Memories workshop/Luke (cause I know you all love the drama in my life ha...ha...)

Last week one of the reasons I didn't text Luke first was to figure out if my feelings were more than a connection with my early stuff. Today I figured out that there is something real. In general some of my feelings have shifted, but in a good way. Before I kind of clung, because I panicked at the thought of losing another important man in my life.

Now, I can see and feel that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out. That constant pain of him disappearing used to be like an addiction for me. It hurt so damn much, but I liked the pain. Now it's gone and I feel like it's missing, but it's a good thing. Just have to get used to it. He said he was busy this week but maybe this weekend and I though "hmm...cool. that's fine." No biggie. This calmness is new. It's so relieving.

So today was good. It was relaxing although I didn't get breakfast or lunch really. There were some good cookies though and had a sip of Luke's Belgian beer. I'm picky about beer, but it was better the Guinness.

Also I'd like to point out that the fact that Luke and I have "lasted" more than a week is...quite amazing. I'm quite proud of the fact that I haven't gotten completely exasperated and it's almost been 11 months. I've come close a couple of times, but I've learned from my previous mistakes. Don't let a good person go. :)

Anyhoo! I was pretty hard on myself after I left his house for not bringing stuff up like "so what's the deal with us?" or "can you please stop living in the gray area. that would be great thanks." or "you know, you don't need to be financially stable or know what you're doing with you life to have a girlfriend right?" etc etc. I was determined to have a talk with him today and then...I got scared.

Why? I'm slightly afraid of the answers. Things I don't want to here include: "I don't want anything really serious." "Not over my ex fiance." "I don't think you're good enough for me to think seriously about." "I'm enlisting so what's the point?" "I don't want to drag you down with me." "If this is what you want, I can't offer it, so I guess we're done." etc etc.

I feel like I'm the braver one out of the two of us to be honest. Maybe that's not true though. I feel like I put myself out there more, but maybe some of it's in my head. I should though. I'm a strong woman. Yeah. That's right.

I've endured a lot. I have a lot of love to give to everyone (friends, family, man). I'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate and honest. I can be sweet. Just give me a chance. Trust me.