To Whom It May Concern

Have you ever noticed how heaven is always depicted as a set of golden gates and cottony clouds?

Sometimes I see in white; streets fade; city fades. Virgin mist encompasses the dirty world surrounding me. People turn soft and white before they become transparent. You are all invisible essences; in a timeless world you mean nothing. I wander consciously aimless, but my subconscious moves my feet. My body falls into rhythm and hips sway the way a latina's hips always should. I maneuver thoughtlessly around your transparent existences. The sun beams down; heat makes my eyes flutter sleepily. I walk until...

He's walking with an invisible being. My stomach turns and reality flickers back on for a millisecond. Then glowing embers replace my stomach. They're as warm as summer sand, but never burn. The closer he moves, the warmer I feel. The heat rises to my skin as smooth waves brush against and along my body. My dark brown eyes snap to attention emitting what can never be said. A smile follows soon after. It's an uncontrollable reaction.

What do I see? I see a young man with shadows of responsibility and fatigue under his eyes and at the corners of his mouth that pull down. If I look long enough, I see past the bright shield in his eyes. The first hurdle is the relaxed happiness of a 19 year old boy. Past that is a serious guarded man with pink scratches here and there that were once shallow cuts. Beyond that you see the deep purple bruises and the deep gashes. Four or five bruises for every girl who ever hurt him and ten more for every time he tells himself he isn't good enough or anything that doesn't go well is his fault. That blame crushes down on his shoulders. This is where the man lies. He has seen more than he should. He has been through more than any one should go through. It has weathered him. This is where you see the pain, but still he hides more at a deeper level. His muscles feel it. The weight turns his body to stone, but there is always more weight; always more stone. So he builds more barriers.

Every once in awhile these walls disappear. Every so often his guard disappears. Then his smile becomes my sun. It's a soft golden cloak that keeps out my own sadnesses and hardships. His touch is gentle like a whispering wind in June. It makes me shiver. Sometimes I feel like I will fall over. Sometimes I do. And his eyes...his eyes are the clearest I've ever seen. I see my own humanity in them. I feel solid.

There is nothing more beautiful to me than him when he lets me in. It's very rare though and only happens for brief moments. There's no place I would rather be. My words could never give the feeling or him justice. I'm just a 20 year old woman who would give anything to take that pain and burden away. It's too late for me to turn back without taking the deepest fall I've known thus far and maybe it's still to come, but I would not give up a moment because he's the best thing I've ever known. He has taught me so many good things. My smoking and drinking are my own fault and the results my own weakness. For better or worse, he has my heart. I willingly gave it to him. I don't even think he knows, but maybe someday he will.

I'm not afraid anymore. It's a risk that has to be taken, because you'll never know if you don't. I'm glad I have.