Fight Dance

You know those songs that really pump you up? Well what about the ones that make you want to fight?

Crazy Possessive by Kaci Battaglia does that for me. It makes me want to...fight dance? Hallie and I had fun dancing to this song on the way back from Boston.

Reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I fought a girl? Yeah she was a little too friendly with my boyfriend at the time. He got pissed, but she didn't take the hint. See normally I find it flattering when girls try to hit on my guy, but sometimes they take it too far. This of course reminds me of the end of 8th grade when Tiger had to hide under a coffee table at Lauren's house because I wanted to fight him and I had been doing a pretty good job until he went into hiding. I believe Ben and Tom had to restrain me until I recovered from the blood lust.

This makes me sound like a violent person, when really, I'm all about the love. You mess with my people though and you're going to regret it.

An interesting observation: The majority of my friends are catholic, whether practicing or not, and most of them have a similar angry streak. I find it kind of weird that I hear my friends talk about fights and I'm like 'yep okay' as if it's normal.

Of course there's a happy medium between getting pissed and experiencing blood lust. Going psycho is never a good idea. Fighting people probably isn't either like in bars or other people's homes where there are lots of breakable things...We're human though and often not in touch with the difference between reality and emotion, so we slip. This is no excuse of course. There are healthier ways to deal with such anger.

Secret Sex

"You mean maybe this is for real?" - Carrie
"Could be." - Mr. Big

Tonight I watched episode 8 entitled secret sex. I think the title makes it pretty obvious. It's about the difference between men who feel the need to keep certain women private from their lives because they're not pretty enough, don't have a chance at a relationship, or are just good for sex (in the eyes of the man).

Carrie has her first date with Mr. Big...only they don't have the date. They have sex. Then he takes to her a chinese restaurant that, after the second time there, she realizes many men take women to in order to keep them hidden. Finally they have a real date and they run into an acquaintance of his. They talk for a minute politely, but Mr. Big never introduces her. At that point she starts wondering if he's ashamed of her or is a "sex only" woman.

After a hard day, she finds herself drunk and decides to confront him. Most of us know that's almost never a good idea. He opens the door, she walks in and pours herself a drink from his bar. Then she tells him that she is not that kind of woman. It turns out that he took her to that restaurant because he thought it was the best Chinese in the city, and as for the acquaintance, he couldn't remember his name.

~~~~~~

First of all, I would not recommend trying to carry on a serious conversation while drunk especially when it involves men and relationships. Do I drunk text? Yep occasionally (shhh!), but I know what I'm saying. I've never been that...wait...That's not the point. Being drunk and really open isn't a good idea because maybe you'll let something slip that shouldn't or maybe it should, but how does the other person know to take it seriously if you're drunk? They don't. That's why you don't say I love you or confess love while drunk. Just bad...and not very brave.

~~~~~~

Having sex on the first date is very questionable. It depends on what kind of image you want to give the other person I suppose. It's so easy for women to be labeled a slut and I don't want that title ever. I'm not one, but if a woman did what men do (going back to "having sex like a man") then she's automatically labeled a slut. When men do it, each woman is considered an accomplishment. It's okay to objectify women, but if a woman objectifies a man, look out, she needs to be put in her place.

I'm not the kind of person who can sleep around anyway. If I'm not really serious about one man, I can date several until one works out or I find someone else. That's kind of how it's supposed to work, but I would never have sex with them.

~~~~~~

As for being the "invisible" woman, I think that's something I have worried about on occasion. If I'm serious about a man and he doesn't introduce me to his friends or go to public places with me, it can be worrying. You start to wonder if he's just waiting for the next best thing or if he's ashamed etc. Who knows. Yes it's nice to have alone time, but there is such thing as too much.

Of course my own thing is that I'm what I like to call an extroverted introvert. Yes that is possible. If you've ever taken the Myer's Briggs or another test like that, you'll understand. According to my test I'm slightly introverted, but I'm near the middle. I have characteristics of both:

Extroversion (examples):

• I am seen as “outgoing” or as a “people person.”
• I feel comfortable in groups and like working in them.
• I have a wide range of friends and know lots of people.
• I sometimes jump too quickly into an activity and don’t allow enough time to think it over.
• Before I start a project, I sometimes forget to stop and get clear on what I want to do and why
• Energy from other people
  

Introversion (examples):

• I am seen as “reflective” or “reserved.”
• I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own.
• I prefer to know just a few people well.
• I sometimes spend a lot of time reflecting and don’t move into action very quickly.
• I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience.
• Energy from self
  

From the extroversion side I get energy from being around other people, I have a wide range of friends, I generally like to work with other people. From the introversion I do prefer to have a few close friend than many acquaintances, I think before I speak, If I don't know very many people at a party I tend to e shy.

What does this have to do with being invisible or not? There have certainly been instances where a man I really like has invited me to a party with his friends or some such social event. I didn't go though. I would have only known him and I didn't trust him not to disappear. I suppose I'm quite shy, but I pretend not to be when I have to. Have I made myself invisible by never accepting those invitation? C'est possible.

It's never completely the responsibility of one person though.

Sex and the City: The Beginning

I've decided to write about each episode of the TV show, Sex and the City. The movie was more like a fairytale than the show, although some aspects of the show are also based on fantasy (it is a tv show after all). However, I have found that I can relate many of the episodes to my own life. Perhaps that's because there is a lot of drama when it comes to men and relationships in my own life. I suppose it's exciting? Personally I'd like for it to calm down and be a lot less complicated.

So anyway, here we go: Episode 1.

It starts with a seemingly fairytale couple who seem perfect for each other. Eventually they start looking for an apartment and he invites her over for dinner with his parents. Then he cancels and disappears completely.

Can't say that I've experienced that (luckily!). I've heard stories though and I'm sure it has happened. Unfortunately men freaking out about relationships or getting serious is not an uncommon phenomena (women do it too). In fact I was talking with a friend about this over dinner tonight. It's quite common for men to play it safe in the "gray area," especially after experiencing some bad relationships.

For one, it drives me crazy. When a guy invites you over and then you call the next morning to confirm and he says "if you want to," it's quite frustrating. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve more than a lot of people do, but can't you at least try to say "yes, it would be awesome if you came over" or even just "yes" would do (in response to "should I come over now?"). If you like the person and you know they like you, you're more likely to get hurt by playing it safe because eventually they'll move on thinking you don't really care. Then once again it's a shitty ending. It's not necessary.

~~~~~~~~~

"Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's and no one has affairs to remember. Instead we have breakfast at 7 A.M. and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. Self protection and closing the deal are paramount. Cupid has flow the co-op. How the hell did we get into this mess?" -Carrie

It's true. Love is often sugar coated (X 10 in the movies), but there's a lot of choice in how jaded we let ourselves become with our own love lives. I could choose to never trust anyone because my birth parents left me. 'If I can't trust my biological family who can I trust' type thing. I don't live like that though. I have a good friend finding sense and I think I'm pretty good with my choice in men even if my parents disagree. So in conclusion, it doesn't have to be so depressing.

~~~~~~~~~

Curt Harrington was Carries repeat attachment. For sure I have experience there. Fortunately mine was not a douche. She decided to try an experiment and "have sex like a man" aka have sex without attachment and leave. She felt powerful at first (afterward) then they ran into each other and he was glad she finally understood the kind of "relationship" he wanted. So basically it backfired. Repeat attachment? Yeah. Having sex like a man? Definitely not.

Then Mr. Big enters the picture. After a couple of accidental run ins, she finds herself having to walk home and being rescued by him. "I get it, you've never been in love." That's his response to Carrie talking about having sex like a man. I must admit I don't know very many guys who have that attitude, but they do exist.

~~~~~~~~~~

The "nice" guy- Carrie hooks her nice friend up with Miranda because she felt bad for him. Of course Miranda is the one in the group who hates men. Somehow she's taken in by his pathetic demeanor. This is not to say nice guys have a pathetic demeanor. I know some who are not like that at all. Then there are some who are really sweet, but have been manipulated or hurt by a woman and decide to hide it. This is the case the majority of the time. It makes it harder for those of us who aren't those kind of women to prove that we aren't like that.

Snooty Writing

It seems to me that I've been writing a lot about my personal life lately and not so much about the big picture...and a lot about Luke. I do keep a lot more private in regard to him than it might seem though. Some is only for discussion with my besties over lunch or dinner, but I don't censor what I do write because Luke might or might not read an entry about himself. I tend to be open about most things.

Maybe that's good? I know I tend to keep a lot in my head and then my sudden outbursts of thoughts, well, surprise people. I guess here you can get a sense of what it's like to be me...kind of like 'a day in the life of an optimist.'

Hopefully some of this stuff makes you think about your own life or other people or the world in general

Crystal Clear

Funny that reminds me of my first dog, Krystal.

Basically this is an expansion of the entry I wrote on the Early Memories workshop/Luke (cause I know you all love the drama in my life ha...ha...)

Last week one of the reasons I didn't text Luke first was to figure out if my feelings were more than a connection with my early stuff. Today I figured out that there is something real. In general some of my feelings have shifted, but in a good way. Before I kind of clung, because I panicked at the thought of losing another important man in my life.

Now, I can see and feel that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out. That constant pain of him disappearing used to be like an addiction for me. It hurt so damn much, but I liked the pain. Now it's gone and I feel like it's missing, but it's a good thing. Just have to get used to it. He said he was busy this week but maybe this weekend and I though "hmm...cool. that's fine." No biggie. This calmness is new. It's so relieving.

So today was good. It was relaxing although I didn't get breakfast or lunch really. There were some good cookies though and had a sip of Luke's Belgian beer. I'm picky about beer, but it was better the Guinness.

Also I'd like to point out that the fact that Luke and I have "lasted" more than a week is...quite amazing. I'm quite proud of the fact that I haven't gotten completely exasperated and it's almost been 11 months. I've come close a couple of times, but I've learned from my previous mistakes. Don't let a good person go. :)

Anyhoo! I was pretty hard on myself after I left his house for not bringing stuff up like "so what's the deal with us?" or "can you please stop living in the gray area. that would be great thanks." or "you know, you don't need to be financially stable or know what you're doing with you life to have a girlfriend right?" etc etc. I was determined to have a talk with him today and then...I got scared.

Why? I'm slightly afraid of the answers. Things I don't want to here include: "I don't want anything really serious." "Not over my ex fiance." "I don't think you're good enough for me to think seriously about." "I'm enlisting so what's the point?" "I don't want to drag you down with me." "If this is what you want, I can't offer it, so I guess we're done." etc etc.

I feel like I'm the braver one out of the two of us to be honest. Maybe that's not true though. I feel like I put myself out there more, but maybe some of it's in my head. I should though. I'm a strong woman. Yeah. That's right.

I've endured a lot. I have a lot of love to give to everyone (friends, family, man). I'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate and honest. I can be sweet. Just give me a chance. Trust me.

Forever School

I've come to the decision to do a double major (athletic training and psychology) with a minor is creative writing. It will take me longer to graduate from USM, but in the end I think it will be worth it. It will look good for graduate school and my future career and it will give me more preparation for my future career. Then I will go to graduate school.

As for my romantic future, I don't know what that holds, but I want something stable, healthy and lasting.

And I expect my parents to support all of my decision (unless I randomly go crazy) and of course Luca will continue to be the best littler (er large) stress reliever ever. I probably would be insane without him coming into my life when he did...

So yes love and pretty flowers and puppy dogs with big brown eyes. That's where I'm at.

My Men

I think now is a good moment to explain the workshop I went to last weekend. If you remember, I went to a women's workshop about a month ago and I had a lot to say about that in one of my blog entries.

Well this work shop was on early memories. Basically the theory is, put in very simple terms, that our early experiences can have a profound effect on us (positively as well as negatively) and the lives we lead in the present. We evaluate that and work through anything that needs to be worked through to prevent further negative affects.

I worked on 2 parts of my early life. There is question asked by the counselor and then you say what first comes to your mind. For a bit, it was taking baths as a toddler. When we lived in Maine the first time, we had a large claw foot tub and my parents used to bathe me in there with them. I remember it being large and being able to paddle around. The feelings surrounding it are happiness and warmth. From there I remembered being bathed as a baby in a blue plastic tub. I also associated that with warmth, happiness and being connected with my parents. Then at some point I realized that warm happy place was also what I would have experienced in the womb (when my birth mother wasn't intoxicated at least). For me that's a positive feeling and it's nice to realize why I love taking long, warm showers or like to sit in a hot tub for so long.

The other one is not so pleasant. I've been working on my birth parents stuff, because it definitely affects me in my current life and I want to be free of that. I know it's possible. This work shop moved a huge chunk of that.

More specifically I've been working on my birth father. He left before I was born. I vaguely remember someone saying he had to disappear in order for my birth mother to legally give me up for adoption. So I never knew who he was. I know he was catholic though and I know he left. I know my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have a feeling he was also. After all it's a highly patriarchal society, so if he drank excessively, my birth mother would have been more likely to also and I know for sure she did. Makes sense. Also excessive drinking tends to be more prominent in lower classes.

So what's important? He left, he was catholic and he was probably an alcoholic.
Does this sound like anyone else we know?

Is it coincidence that the only man I haven't been able to get over disappears frequently, is catholic and an alcoholic? No it's not. There you have my early stuff relating to my current life. So I cried and got angry at my birth father all weekend (not at the current guy in my life). When I got there I was at a point where my biggest question was, who is this man who has so much pull over my life because of his absense. It explains a lot really. It explains my pull toward catholic men, working class men, the "pound puppies" as my dad calls it (after all I dated a heroin addict), and why I'm more attached to my adopted father than my mother. It's not rational, it's emotional and it can be gotten rid of.

By the end it was, well maybe it's time to let him go. So there was a little bit of me saying good bye dad. Then we attached it to the present and I had to say good bye to Luke. That was harder, but by the end I could actually think, "maybe I could say good bye to Luke." The point isn't really saying good bye to him. The point is that I am freer from those desperate emotions tying me to my birth father. To be clear I'm not saying he's literally a representative of my birth father. Just certain aspects are similar.

So this past week I haven't sent any texts to Luke. I decided if he wanted to talk to me he could initiate it. I didn't even think about it as much as usual. I felt like I could breath. I still do. I feel freer. These feelings aren't tying me down so much. Of course they're not gone completely. You can't do that in a weekend, but it can be done and that's what I will continue to work on. This weekend has also gotten me past a lot of the anger directed toward my birth parents. Anger is just a cover up emotion for hurt. That can be worked through. Wouldn't it be nice to be free of those feelings that affect us so much whether they're associated with our parents or other people or institutions? It's possible.

I'm starting my second week breathing more freely. It's glorious.
______________

But last night Luke sent me a text. He asked if I was mad at him. I asked him what made him think I was. He said it was because of how I acted in the bank before I left for the workshop and because I hadn't responded to his texts that week. He said he sent a couple and I never replied. Well I never got them or I would have (probably). I was somewhat mad at the bank. More like I was hurt that I told him I would be busy for a week and a half if he wasn't free before the workshop and as usual, he didn't step up. I was running around that day before having to drive to Bethel, so I didn't have time to cry over him. I just covered it up with anger.

I'm not really sure what to think though. Should I be pleased that he cared enough to ask? Does he care? I think my doubts are just more feelings getting in the way of me thinking clearly. Something along the line of "If my birth parents didn't care, if the woman who's supposed to have that strong biological bond with me gave me up then she didn't care, and if she didn't then why would anyone else?" Like I said, it's not real and I've worked on it enough to realize it. Needs more work though clearly.

So I think it's good that he thought about me. Things can't stay the same though. I'm thinking clearly enough to realize it. I can't function with him constantly disappearing and never knowing if at some point he's going to decide he won't come back. He needs to take a chance on me, because I have proven over the last 9 months and certainly since he decided he wanted to try "semi serious" that I am not going anywhere and that I can handle the fact that he's not as sure of where he's going in life as I am. That's okay.

I know my own worth and I don't want to be taken for granted. I've been patient, but at some point living in the grey area doesn't work any more and you have to take a stand. He said he wanted to try semi serious. Well this isn't semi serious. This is me waiting and hoping that he steps out of the grey area and crying weekly when he doesn't. I'm not a toy to be played with when there's time or he's interested or there's nothing else to do. I'm a person. I'm not just a person though. I'm the girl who cares about him more than almost any other man (aside from my dad and my brother of course).

Sometimes I just want swat him across the head and say, "hey you idiot. I..."*

But I'm not angry.

*to be continued when it happens

So Much For Brief

It's been awhile. I have a lot to say, but now really isn't the moment seeing as I'm watching game five of the Pens-Sens series at Beans house. What I want to cover at some point is this past weekend, which involved many insights all connecting my early life with my current life and of course the Stanley Cup Playoffs - More specifically the game I went to with Hallie last night. Most amazing experience even if it was in Boston and they lost in double overtime. It's certainly not Ryan Miller's fault. I've been faultering a little with Luke lately. I came back from this weekend and something was different. I'm not sure what, but like I said not something I want to go into right now. Seems like I get questions about him everyday, so if I get snippy with you, I'm sorry. I just really don't want to discuss it unless I seem really sad or bring it up myself. Neither have happened this week.

Okay maybe I do want to discuss it some. I've let go some, not because my feelings are any less, but a small part of me is hoping that maybe he'll step up if I do (eternal optimist after all). I've grown really weary of feeling constantly hurt.

In other news I feel like I have my feet under me again. I know where I want my future to go (academically) and in other areas too. Today I had an exam, which I thought would be really hard and it wasn't. Not that it was easy. More like I understood the concepts enough to articulate them properly. Believe me, getting to that point was not easy. I'm on my way even though it will take me more than 4 years. It's not just about getting out in 4 years and doing well in that amount of time. I need to have a very nice transcript to get into graduate school and then to get my dream job. By nice I mean a double major in psychology and either sports medicine or athletic training (plus my minor in creative writing). Sport Psych? Bring it on.

I'm also kind of ready for a real relationship with a guy who I don't get sick of. That would be nice. It's definitely possible. After 5.5 years I might actually be ready. Crazy. As of now there has only really been Luke and well that would be better than fine with me, but there's a nice guy in one of my classes. Who knows. Life is nothing if not chaotic and ever changing. That's not necessarily a bad thing and some things do remain the same.

So this is my "brief" update. Beans should be back soon with Sam. Party! Can't wait to make a special surprise for someone with Hallie tomorrow and a movie. Then Saturday is Lori's art show and in the evening Emma and I are going to the cabin to take a break from men and get geeky with X-Files and maybe some anime. Sunday is a meeting to plan a fundamental RC class with some other RC friends. I'm hoping to get some of my friend involved, because it's a really good resource for anyone and everyone.

To Whom It May Concern

Have you ever noticed how heaven is always depicted as a set of golden gates and cottony clouds?

Sometimes I see in white; streets fade; city fades. Virgin mist encompasses the dirty world surrounding me. People turn soft and white before they become transparent. You are all invisible essences; in a timeless world you mean nothing. I wander consciously aimless, but my subconscious moves my feet. My body falls into rhythm and hips sway the way a latina's hips always should. I maneuver thoughtlessly around your transparent existences. The sun beams down; heat makes my eyes flutter sleepily. I walk until...

He's walking with an invisible being. My stomach turns and reality flickers back on for a millisecond. Then glowing embers replace my stomach. They're as warm as summer sand, but never burn. The closer he moves, the warmer I feel. The heat rises to my skin as smooth waves brush against and along my body. My dark brown eyes snap to attention emitting what can never be said. A smile follows soon after. It's an uncontrollable reaction.

What do I see? I see a young man with shadows of responsibility and fatigue under his eyes and at the corners of his mouth that pull down. If I look long enough, I see past the bright shield in his eyes. The first hurdle is the relaxed happiness of a 19 year old boy. Past that is a serious guarded man with pink scratches here and there that were once shallow cuts. Beyond that you see the deep purple bruises and the deep gashes. Four or five bruises for every girl who ever hurt him and ten more for every time he tells himself he isn't good enough or anything that doesn't go well is his fault. That blame crushes down on his shoulders. This is where the man lies. He has seen more than he should. He has been through more than any one should go through. It has weathered him. This is where you see the pain, but still he hides more at a deeper level. His muscles feel it. The weight turns his body to stone, but there is always more weight; always more stone. So he builds more barriers.

Every once in awhile these walls disappear. Every so often his guard disappears. Then his smile becomes my sun. It's a soft golden cloak that keeps out my own sadnesses and hardships. His touch is gentle like a whispering wind in June. It makes me shiver. Sometimes I feel like I will fall over. Sometimes I do. And his eyes...his eyes are the clearest I've ever seen. I see my own humanity in them. I feel solid.

There is nothing more beautiful to me than him when he lets me in. It's very rare though and only happens for brief moments. There's no place I would rather be. My words could never give the feeling or him justice. I'm just a 20 year old woman who would give anything to take that pain and burden away. It's too late for me to turn back without taking the deepest fall I've known thus far and maybe it's still to come, but I would not give up a moment because he's the best thing I've ever known. He has taught me so many good things. My smoking and drinking are my own fault and the results my own weakness. For better or worse, he has my heart. I willingly gave it to him. I don't even think he knows, but maybe someday he will.

I'm not afraid anymore. It's a risk that has to be taken, because you'll never know if you don't. I'm glad I have.

Tell Me

Have you ever cried so hard that you just can't keep the wail in? It's a sound so sorrowful that you think only the wives of fallen soldiers could expel in that one moment they first realize and the gasps force themselves from your throat, because your body wants to keep you alive even if you don't care. You don't care because your soul is a palpable organ being stretched so wide, you think it will tear. Then someone takes a dull blade and carves chaotic designs on the surface as slow as humanly possible. Tears fall down your face like large paint drips. Your eyes close and those paint drips turn to sheets of water. The internal river you've been carrying around, dammed up, finally breaks out. If you tried to stop it, you would drown in it. It's all you can do to keep your head above the salty flood. You shut out the light of that one lamp lighting the night, because where you are you can't see the warm yellow glow. Shaking comes next. Your frame convulses and contorts your body. You hunch as though you've been carrying heavy brick filled sacks your whole life. You're a slave. Sometimes you can't even stand up. Shadows on your knees reflect such a heavy burden. Somewhere along the way you forgot to breathe and gasp as though it's the last breath of you life. The life forces your eyes open. You weren't even aware of your fists until release and see bright red crescent moons on the soft flesh of your palms.

When you've felt like this, then tell me it's easy. When you experience this frequently, tell me it takes no determination to bear it. Tell me.

Parachute

I've been listening to Parachute by Cheryl Cole lately. It's kind of how I feel? Not the part about not needing a parachute though. Because clearly if I fell, I'd land on my face and Luke would be like, "what??" Then I'd glare and call him an ass. Then I'd forgive him. Ain't that the way it always goes?

Things have been changing though. I think I'm getting to a point where I need and deserve more (Yeah I know I always deserve more as my mother and best friends would say), and he needs to step the fuck up. I can actually be mad at him now when he doesn't treat me as well as he should.

So here's what's going through my head (keep in mind it's a rant not reality):

When I told him I was determined he said it was a first. That made me so angry. I'm still pretty pissed about that. It's like he doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm still here. If I hadn't been so determined all this time I would have given up on him a long time ago. So he has no fucking right to say that's the first time. I cry constantly and it hurts like a motherfucker. I defend him constantly to EVERYONE. I even fucking yell at my parents when they something against him. My own family. So I deserve a hell of a lot more. You know what he'd probably say, "so why bother?" Then I just want to scream. Sometimes I do...Why the fuck can't you just accept how absolutely amazing you are you fucking jerk. I put up with this shit, because I've seen your better side and when you show it, nothing can bring me down and nothing makes me happier. I literally couldn't explain the feeling properly.

Okay I feel better. Off to see some Olympians!

Don't Smile

That's what I thought when I went into the bank. I just wanted to get in and get out. I wasn't going to smile, but I did as soon as I saw him. Doesn't change the fact that I'm pissed.

I am still pissed at Luke...or trying to be. It just kind of hit me that last time I sent him a text. He makes plans with his guys, but he tells me his life doesn't allow for that kind of plan making. That's bullshit.

So this week has been a "Prince Eric" week as Katya would say and I think it's gone quite well.

One of my biggest comforts is Atreyu. I haven't listened to them much since their new album came out, but this week I've only been listening to them. I know I say that I like all kinds of music, and I do, but none so much. Atreyu helped me through a lot of shit. Brandon Saller is one of my biggest heroes. They change it up some on every album. They're the only band I can listen to over and over without ever getting bored.

They also help me stay angry...

Remember When?

Remember when I thought Benji Madden was hot? (EW!)

Remember when I thought drummers were hot because they played drums? (Drums are awesome, but so is guitar)

Remember when 18 Visions was still together and James had to run to his van for a hoodie before he was warm enough to talk to Imani and me outside? (Good times in Orono)

Remember when I liked hot emo boys? (No idea who this is, but quite attractive especially with the lip ring)

Remember when I had pink hair? (I miss it...)


Remember when a random guy called me fetus at an Atreyu concert because I was so small and in the front? (Brandon Saller is still my hero)

I do. Those were good times, but I don't wish to return that period. The current Rosalba will enjoy new colorful streaks in her hair though, still loves Atreyu and is still a sucker for attractive men who play guitar and sing. What can I say?

Meyers Briggs Essay

This is the essay I wrote. I have a head cold, so hopefully it's not horrible writing. It's about me and that's the point:

According to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment, my type is ENFJ. This stands for Extroversion (E), Intuitive (N), Feeling (F), and Judging (J). According to the raw point ranges my E, S and F points fell under the ‘slight’ category and my J points fell into the ‘moderate’ range.

During the class before our assessments were handed out, we were asked to decide which type we were based on explanations of each group. I chose ISFJ. I was slightly surprised at first when I found out my result was Extroversion rather than Introversion. I tend to be quiet in class, think and understand before I speak, and sometimes “get lost in my own world.” However, after seeing the explanation of my assessment, the extroversion factor made more sense. I like to be alone sometimes, but I generally prefer to be with people and that’s where my energy comes from. I am attuned to the external environment as well as my own internal being. I enjoy talking with people I know and/or find interesting, as well as communicating through writing. I have many interests, but also focus on a few that have deeper meaning. I have a start stop tendency when getting to know people; I make an effort to get to know someone and feel energized afterward. Then I become shy and withdraw myself before picking up where I left off. I, both, live and then learn and learn and then live. This explains why my extroversion level is so low. I do love people and having an active social life, but I need a balance with my alone time. I think I get the best of both sides.

I also choose S instead of N before I received my assessment. However, after the fact Intuitive made more sense. Intuitive people have an inclination toward creativity rather than data and those types of details. I have taken a more specific psychology test that my father gave me. Creativity came up strongly for that test also. In our most recent class Artistic was part of my Holland Code. All of these accurately describe me because I am a dancer, writer, poet, photographer, and occasionally drawer. In developing my artistic abilities I use all of my senses, but when dealing with people I often feel like I have an extra sense, which is my intuition. I can speculate on situations and people and often be right.

I lean toward the Feeling side of the spectrum rather than the Thinking side, although it is only slightly. I make judgments based on my own opinions rather than being objective and analytical. I believe it is still analytical, but in a different way and I can be objective when I think it is necessary. According to the MBTI assessment I “make decisions based on personal values” and on my own “very clear sense of right and wrong,” which I “usually share openly.” This is true. I am very open about my opinions; however, I never push them onto other people. The assessment also said I draw conclusions about people “quickly and with certainty.” This is another true statement, which I have mentioned in previous reflection papers. I believe this reflect my intuitive nature as well as my preference for feeling. Another true statement is when I decided a person is “trustworthy and good, it is a difficult conclusion to dispel.” A good example of this is being told constantly by my friends and family that the man I care about is not a good guy. I have already formed my conclusion based upon how he has proven himself to me and as a result, I do no listen to or care about what they say. I am also confident in my decision due to the fact that I have never regretted befriending anyone.

The last section is Judging. This was the most defined section for me. I like close. I am rarely indecisive about anything unless I have to choose between triple chocolate cake an tiramisu. I like to make plans, plan events and know what I’m doing during the weekend ahead of time. I have a calendar, because I have so many social activities and responsibilities that I would not be able to remember otherwise. I have difficulty relaxing and doing anything fun if I have not finished my work first. In general I like to have control of my life. As a psychologist in training being this organized and in control is important. According to my assessment I can “be frustrated by those who are not as quick to decided and to act” as I am. This is probably one of the truest statements in the assessment. I have recently realized that most of my friends are perceiving people. They like or need spontaneity, have more things on their unorganized schedules than can reasonably fit, are rarely on time, and tend to make last minute decision. These are great people and I adore them, but it stresses me out. I want to change the world and “get things done,” which is difficult when I am late for something or plans are canceled. I am relatively in control of my life, however it is also nice to sometimes step back, take a breath and let life happen.

Being Sick

Is not an option. Ugh.

DO IT

I just yelled that at Katya over facebook chat. She said she was going to try and go to sleep. So I said, "DO IT!"

After I said I'm determined for him to leave Saturday free for me, he said that's a first. Not a first. The fact that I'm still here and and putting up with his shit. That has taken a lot of determination. I'm quite proud of myself for that too. I don't give up on the important things.

Grr...Okay I should sleep...or take quizzes that are due in 7.5 hours....

90 Proof?

Had a great night with great people. We went to Friendly's because I was craving fried food. Went to the hookah bar. Well actually Hallie and I took a taxi there with our special pepsi bottles...

I'm in a happy happy mood. I think I kept Luke awake, but oh well. He can deal with my texts. hehe he's my fav. Kay night!

Spaz

That's my name today.

Today during the course of about half an hour I managed to give the waitress my gift card and debit card, remember that Beale's only takes cash half way there, leave my debit card in the machine (a nice woman ran after me down exchange street with it), forget why I called Beans, forget that I had called Katya, realize a short joke and some other joke that Hallie made about me about a minute late, etc.

I don't know where my head is, but I took a nap, so hopefully it will be better now.

Funny story this evening: A man came to the door. Apparently he's running for office. When I first saw him I thought he was wearing a kippah. Half way through the conversation he gave me a card. It said Republican, so I immediately looked back at his head and realized he was wearing sun glasses not a kippah.

Also, I need to remember that this weekend is Easter. Apparently there are people who celebrate it. Silly Waynflete, I'm so used to non religious people. Although I suppose I am one.

I think that surprises people sometimes. They don't realize I have my Jewish beliefs and that I follow them. So when I say something about G-d or Jewish holidays or praying, they're like whaaat? You're one of those people?!

No, I'm not "one of those people." It's nice to believe in something bigger than myself and I like that Judaism isn't about converting people for their own good. I don't believe in hell and I know that the bible/torah is basically a book of myths. In my opinion, Moses didn't part the sea and most people know that Jews don't believe Jesus was more than human (which is not to say that he didn't exist). I also don't believe G-d has a sex. Anyway that's a pretty simplified/watered down version of my religious beliefs and opinions.

So it appears that I will be going to church with my family on Sunday. Not looking forward to that. It always makes me feel persecuted. Last time I went, about 2 years ago, I was so scared, I was on the verge of tears.

At least I have Chinese and a hockey game afterward to make up for it...

April Fools

No one has even tried to fool me today. Good thing. I'm not really gullible anyway unless I'm tired. Okay well I have been awake since 6:30 since SOMEONE barked in my ear for about 2 hours. Thanks a lot Luca. I've been busier today than I have been in a long time. Literally I have been on the go since 8. My class got canceled this morning luckily, so I went to Macy's and Victoria's Secret. I bought a bathing suit and found out that my boobs have grown (and I haven't even been on BC until Sunday). This is worrisome because BC will increase the size and so will babies. Great...not at all.

So my day doesn't end until 9 PM. I hope I can stay awake.

I did have a lovely early dinner with Hallie though. She told me two riddles and I solved them both! First one in record time, second one in record time also, I just didn't say it out loud because I didn't think it was right. haha bluebells!

So I've decided no more chocolate until June. I can do this (after all I haven't eaten oreos in over a year). I can eat sorbet though and smoothies and fruit instead of other dessert.

You Got Me

That's my new happy song, You Got Me by Colbie Caillat. I'm starting to get tired of It's Alright by Kris Allen.


If you were wondering what's on my mind...
This morning on my way to class I contemplated those of us who are more observant than most. Not long after Luke joined that thought process. Not the person, but as the subject. Yesterday was a really shitty day. I didn't really tell anyone how bad it was, but I asked him if he ever had one of those days where he doesn't know how he's gonna make it. The answer is irrelevant to whoever is reading, but I realized he's the first person I want to talk to when I feel so down. In fact he was the only one to make me laugh that day and previously after I'd been fighting with my mom I called him and beans. They both made me feel a lot better.

1. This is kind of scary. Inconsistent man = best way to cheer me up. Uh oh.

2. It made me wonder how much he really knows about me (and how I feel about him). In the evening yesterday I drove to the mall to meet up with Vano. On the way I realized that once he had tried to cheer me up by telling me I should dance. I don't remember why or when, but I remember it vaguely because I was surprised that he knew that's one of the few things that almost always makes me feel better. Then yesterday it was chocolate. Everyone knows I love chocolate, but I guess it surprised me that he paid that much attention?

This lead me to wonder if he knows more than I give him credit for...er want to give him credit for...er want him to know?

I remember having a conversation about it once. He said he was observant, he just didn't do anything about it. Whereas I'm observant, which helps my friends when they're having issues and need advice/neutral opinion etc.

I tend to keep my innermost thoughts and feelings to myself. I've gotten so good at it (which isn't a good thing really) that no one can tell unless I want them to. I've been less protective of myself with him though. Most people don't understand why. You'd think he's so inconsistent that he'd be the last person I'd trust. Truth be told, he's probably the first (I can hear Beans going "whyyyyy!?" and Carol saying "Girrrl, you're crazy!"). As for why, well, one of the two reason is that he was the only one to rely on during 2 of my biggest freak out moments since Decemberish (The Kate thing and something to do with my sister). So in my eyes, he proved himself (I don't really care about your eyes on this matter. Sorry, just don't).

But good luck trying to get me to say this to his face. I'm too shy for that :)

Anyway this makes me wonder what else he knows. I guess I'm more straightforward with him than I have been with other guys, because I have a higher respect for him (again good luck getting me to admit this). Manipulating people, especially men, comes easy to me, but I never do it purposely. Somehow I feel the need to prove this even more to him. Something like he needs to know that I would never do that.

However, I think I'm straightforward in a 'saying stuff without actually saying it' way. Believe me, it's possible. I like completely honestly. That's a main reason Beans is my brother. He's very straightforward. I like to be completely honest and lay everything out on the table the way it is. Sometimes that's tricky though. Maybe someday...

Okay starting to ramble, so good night! I think I laid things out really well so far.

You're stuck on me and my laughin' eyes
I can't pretend though i try to hide
I like you, I like you
I think I felt my heart skip a beat
I'm standin' here and I can't hardly breathe
You got me