Monday, May 31, 2010

B + Raw + Less

I'm in a good mood today, which means weird things come out of my head. So the title is bra-less. Since arriving at the cabin I have been going, as you can probably guess from the title, braless. Just been wearing a tank with a built in bra. Then today (after my dad returned to Portland), I've been walking around in shorts and my bra (kind of like Carrie Bradshaw). It's interesting because I think it's a result of the navel piercing I recently got.

Just a random thought for the day...

Also, being at the cabin has been exactly what I needed. I didn't have to do much, it was warm, and there weren't very many mosquitoes (the few that were here went directly for me though).

I also rediscovered my love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I used to be obsessed with the show, especially when Angel was on it. Then the drama between Buffy and Angel became too much and I just couldn't watch it anymore. Now I'm watching the last season and totally engrossed in Buffy and Spike's relationship. I used to think that Buffy and Angel were the better couple, but now I think Buffy and Spike are better. They're constantly bickering, but they work well together.

He's kind of like a bad boy, but isn't really. He started off as a pathetic man who lived with his mother and wrote terrible poetry about a woman he loved (who also thought he was pathetic). This was pre-vamp c. 1880. Then he became a vampire and went around killing people to prove his manhood. Fast forward to season 5 of Buffy, and while still soulless, he begins to fall in love with Buffy and her tough girl attitude. Fast forward to season 7 and he regains his soul. At that point he can truly care about her. So they're kind of perfect for each other. They're both warriors, strong willed, able to make the sacrifice when needed, caring, sarcastic etc.

Of course, when do I not love a man who fights (verbally or otherwise)?

But I can't watch the last episode where he sacrifices himself for the world without crying. It's very sad. Luckily I can move on to the last few season of Angel where he is reincarnated until the last episode of that which sucks. I hate cliff hanger endings to shows. Not fun.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Serenity

I'm feeling very serene at the moment. I went to sleep around 4:30 AM and slept until 1:30 PM. I have not done much today other than walk outside, play with my puppy and watch Persuasion. It's been lovely.

Speaking of Jane Austen. I have now read 5 of the 6 novels and seen 5 of the 6 movies. Northanger Abbey is the last novel to read and then I will have completed the Jane Austen novels. To men, this might not mean much, but to most women it's almost a right of passage. How many women do you know who are well versed in literature and not in Jane Austen? I can assure you than I know very few who do not know both. Of course Jane Austen isn't for everyone.

There is a large amount of internalized sexism within the novels, but the romantic notions, optimism and happy endings appeal to me. After all, I am a firm believer in unconditional and lasting love, so long as the two people are compatible enough and understand that there will be challenges ahead. It brings a little reality into the notion of an ideal love.

I recently bought a new diary. I had not written in my last one since last summer. I felt it held too many depressing memories of Hofstra and opening it again would release something negative into my life now. Also after Luke saw it, I couldn't look at it without wondering what he saw and feeling uncomfortable about it. So that diary has been shelved next to my "High School/Portland Pirates" diary and my "Harlan" diary. I think I shall name it "The Dark Days" diary and I will not open it for a few years. I will wait for a time when I am further from my Hofstra experience.

Now I have a new one. I don't name them until I finish them, so I have no name for the new one. I do have a name I hope to call it though. I will probably have filled it by December and well...like I said, I have hopes.
Just keep holding on...

Dearest Emma

I spent my Saturday night watching Emma (all 4 parts). It's funny how watching films based on Jane Austen's books used to depress me. Now they cheer me up. I always cry during them (at least when I'm watching by myself). I always feel better afterward.

I'm a romantic. I don't think you can be as optimistic as I am without being a romantic. Somehow I always think things will work out and these rough patches are just temporary. I know I've been a bit down lately and not a lot of fun to be around. I've been quiet and I've tried not to cry in front of anyone within the past few days. I even had a cigarette, but I just felt worse after it wore off. I didn't want to bring people down at the hookah bar last night, so I suggested Iszy and I go outside for a cigarette. Then I talked to her about my situation some. She seems to be the only one who really understands, because she's been in a similar situation. I guess I probably shouldn't keep so much to myself though.

I've been trying so hard to talk to the person about it, but he's been too busy to see me or something. Anyway I know he'll come around soon enough, when I least expect it. He always does. I just hope that call comes soon.

There's that eternal optimism. They say people like me can only be hurt and destroyed by the world, because it's not designed for such ideals. I think those people are wrong. Emma is a bit like that with her matchmaking. She's wrong about class, but right about love. Such a strong willed, argumentative woman belongs with a strong willed, patient, yet argumentative young man. That's exactly what she finds in Mr. Knightly.

In Sex and the City 2 (movie) Carrie talks about the sparkle in marriage. Well Mr. Knightly and Emma have that sparkle. Argument and lively discussion are the result of a passionate relationship. They say arguing is healthy for a couple. I would agree. Fighting is not, but arguments can be.

Speaking of which, I'm rethinking marriage again. Maybe it would be more likely to work if couples made up their own rules rather than following tradition. Why can't we make our own rules for our relationships? We aren't all the same. It makes sense that our relationships wouldn't all function the same. I just want one that I feel secure and happy in. I don't need to see the guy every day or even 5 days a week. I don't need him to pay for my dinner all the time. I just need to know his feelings are as true as mine and that he's happy with me (and has no need for other girls on the side). Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Please believe it's possible. I do.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

No!

Once again I'm really pissed off. I've been pretty violent in getting ready for the beach today. I never should have looked at Luke's wall. I was pissed before that, but it's even worse. Now I'm freaking out (inside my head of course). You probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't know me well enough to see the signs:
  • spacing out without a smile on my face
  • slightly violent with objects around me
  • mildly bitter and passive aggressive comments about men (not my friends) disguised as sarcastic jokes
I want an answer damn it! I want a fucking answer right fucking now! Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. Is it so hard to say "okay monogamy and I like you." I could even deal without him saying he likes me for now, but the fact that he could be sleeping around is driving me crazy. I just need to know. Peace of mind is important to me.

I deserve a little more respect than I've gotten in the past week from him. I act tougher than I am. I think almost all of my friends fall for my tough act to a certain degree, but with guys its a whole other story. I go in with my fists up saying "fuck with me asshole and I'll fuck you up." I don't really say it, but that's my attitude. With Luke I keep my fists lowered and on the occasions that he fucks up, I bring them back up temporarily. Then he does something to show he didn't mean to fuck up and I feel like a fool in fighting mode. It happens a lot less lately, but right now, he's doing a good job of making me want to punch him. I don't know why I bother going into fight mode though, because I've passed the point of being able to avoid getting hurt.

So I'm going to listen to a couple of the songs that reminds me how much I really like him and how good he really is. Then I'm going to have a good day at the beach.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bodies

They're pretty weird aren't they?

I only mention this because the night before last (aka the night before I went to the beach), I weighed myself and I was 125. Today I weighed myself and I was 120. Same scale, same setting. The major difference being, the night before last through yesterday I was bloated/PMSing and today...I'm not, if you know what I mean.

I'll be honest, I was a little freaked out yesterday that I had gained 5 pounds somehow. I thought maybe it was the BC. Apparently it was just my body being...normal. Still I plan on taking Zumba classes at the gym, going to the gym more regularly, taking a hip hop class in Gorham in June, and more girl on top (on the rare occasion that I even get to have sex (I can think of a certain someone who wouldn't complain about that)). Now time to make myself a fruit smoothie!

Also, getting my navel pierced today! Tomorrow is full moon, so for those of you who can and do, get on that. Looks like I'm out for this round thanks to mother nature and a inconstant man.

Go out and enjoy the weather!

Here It Goes Again

It's almost full moon again, by which I mean sex drives is way up up up....and man is...where the fuck is he?!

I've been trying to make a record. Until now we've only managed to see each other once a week for 2 weeks in a row. I'm gonna keep shooting for once a week for 3 weeks in a row. Starting this week. Also, only 8 days until it's been a year since I started talking to him. That seems crazy to me. How the hell have I made it this far? How did I not give up a long the way? Okay well I cried a lot, faced my own intimacy issues, and I vented to my friends (Thank G-d for those women!).

I'm quite fuckin proud of myself if you can't tell.
  • I've self improved considerably.
  • The fact that I can actually say I like you to friends and to him is a huge deal for me.
  • The fact that I've even come to grips with how I really feel about him (which the public has no business knowing in detail) is also huge.
  • The fact that I'm still me and haven't given any part of that up is great.
  • The fact that he and I sometimes argue, but not as much as we used to (as in arguing about who wins an argument about arguing) is really nice.
  • The fact that lately he's been more straight up with me about saying he wants to see me (even if not so straight forward).
  • The fact that he didn't run away when I had the 'hey what do you think about monogamy and you telling me that you like me and me NOT demanding more time than you can give' talk. (Speaking of which, I want to hear his thinking soon...like within a week would be good)
  • And of course, I finally feel comfortable having sex with him? Fuckin finally!
  • Oh yeah, and I'm more open in general, if you couldn't tell by the last bullet point
So I've been watching too much Sex and the City. That's okay though. It's a topic that shouldn't be so taboo. Maybe there would be fewer pregnant teens if it was talked about more. That's not what I want to talk about right now though. Am I too much like a guy in the fact that I would like to have sex relatively frequently? Hmm I think maybe that's just a stereotype.

Random thought of the night: Why is it embarrassing when the wind blows your skirt up to reveal your underwear, but it's not when you're wearing a bikini bottom under the skirt? Is there really a difference? I would think not unless your underwear is a thong, very lacy/see through, or absent.

So to bring this around in a circle. I really want to see Luke tomorrow. Make it happen buddy.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Good Weekend

I shopped and spent too much. I saw great people and had a great time. I feel kind of like I'm turning into Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex and the City). I have a (new found) obsession with shoes. My life is complicated when it comes to sex and love. I have some lovely girl friends and of course I write about these things, but I don't get paid for it.

Thinking about money and paying for things has once again made me think about the future. I hate thinking about the future. Fantasizing about a fairytale life, I like. The reality is not so fun. I don't want to think about getting into grad school. I don't want to think about being married within the next 10 years. I don't want to think about having children or a child before I'm in the 30s and the chances decrease greatly. I don't want to think about that stuff. Fuck! It's scary!

My brain goes something like this: Well if I'm at USM for 3 more years for my double major and then go directly to grad school for another 5 years, I'll be approx 28 when I graduate. Then I need to establish myself and work my way up the ladder in psychology. Since I'm a woman, that will be twice as hard and take twice as long. Then I have to deal with the fact that have children after 30 is higher risk and lower chance, so do I have them before then and know that it will be even harder and take even longer to establish myself if I have children after grad school? Should I be engaged before I get to grad school?

That's when I breath and yell, "What the fuck?!" This isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but society could be. It just isn't and won't be for a long time. I have hope for the future, but I don't see it shifting dramatically anytime soon. I'm so tired of dealing with racism, sexism, classism and every other ism that there is. I've even gotten to the point where I'm like fuck marriage. It's just papers designed to pit the man and the woman against each other. Why do you think so many end in divorces. I want an equal partner for life who I love, trust and have respect for. I still want the wedding and rings of course, but equality is important to me. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. I'm not saying a definite no to marriage. It's just something to think about. I'm not thinking that far ahead right now though. No fucking way.

Right now I have a guy who can't even plan 2 days in advance and he's not really even committed to me (I want him to, but that's another story for another time). Right now I'm just figuring out how to pay my next bill. Right now I'm hoping that I stay awake during class tomorrow. Right now I'm just a 20.9 year old trying to live and love and be happy.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ex and The City

So I just watched the last episode of the second season of Sex and the City. It dealt with ex's, especially those who you were previously in love with.

I don't really want to get into the subject right now, but it never ceases to amaze me how true some of this stuff is.
Then I was like Oh shit! That's it! That's fucking it!
The last lines were, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with" (Carrie Bradshaw)

Then I was like Oh shit! That's it! That's fucking it! That was me! Since the beginning I could never find a guy who I was satisfied with. Lots of good guys, but none who were interesting enough or could stand up to me or whatever. Sometimes I was attracted, but it never lasted and almost all of them let me take control. I don't want to be in control. Fuck that. I have to plan the next 8 fucking years of my life. I don't want to plan anything that I don't have to outside of school and career stuff.

So then there was Luke. He was like this whole new breed of people. Every day, even if things aren't going so well between us, I think 'This man is fucking amazing." Every day. I have never ever thought that about another guy. Never. I think it's clear to everyone that I think the world of Luke. I think maybe he has a hard time accepting that, but that's besides the point.

In 14 days it will have officially been a year since I decided to start some sort of relationship with him. I thought it would be friendship or maybe just a fling, but that's one of the best fucking decisions I've made...ever? I thought 'I'm going to try this and see where it goes. We never really had closure, so I want to see if it could go somewhere more significant. Unless he's a douche, in which case I will use him shamelessly.' Luckily the last part never applied.

Then I did what I said I wouldn't do. I fell for him...again...well maybe I never unfell for him after junior year. Anyway, he's like this spontaneous, chaotic mess and I kind of love it. That's what life is anyway! It's messy. It's chaotic. Random things happen all the time. It's people who try to organize it. They try to tame it. Some things like life can't be controlled. Shit happens. It's how we deal with it and who we meet along the way to help us deal with it that matters.

So he's the one. The wild one. I was the wild one. I still am, but there's something that feels like it's normal and okay with him that I never felt with anyone else. I don't want to tame him. I just don't want to give another woman the chance to feel as lucky as I do and there's nothing wrong with that. I know a lot of you are like 'oh well I don't know Rosalba. Not sure if this is a good idea. Is this smart?' Well guess what? I'm very fucking smart and I don't care if you don't know, because you aren't me. This isn't your situation. Being with this man makes me happy in a way that I never get tired of. That's enough for me, for now. Yes I want to deal with the whole 'so what about other women?' thing, but other than that I'm generally happy.

He's going to Canada this weekend to see his boys, and I'm getting a whole week without my parents and spending this whole weekend with some of my best friends doing wonderful things (that aren't illegal of course!). I love having this kind of separation. I like having space and not freaking out because the man wants to be with me too much. I mean yeah I wanted him to be part of this weekend, but the summer has just begun and I plan to enjoy every day. I'm going to enjoy each day with each of my friends, the time I spend away from him, and of course the time I spend with him, and I'm going to think every day 'I really like you. You're pretty fucking amazing.'

L'Chaim!

Monday, May 17, 2010

And So It Begins

I started my intro to crim class today. The professor and subject is interesting. Some of the people...not so much. There are some ignorant/racist people in the class. One guy even said he didn't think waterboarding should be classified as torture. He also said that the many civilians killed in Iraq was an accident. Um...pretty sure you can't kill a group that large over a period of time by accident. What the fuck.

But then I hung out with Kat and Jared for the rest of the day. That was really fun. We ate at Becky's and then went to the dog park by my house and played Frisbee. Katya and I weren't very good, but it was really fun and I think Jared got a laugh out of it by watching us awkwardly leap or miss the frisbee. Then we made great plans for this coming weekend. It appears I'm booked solid through Sunday morning. I like this.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Workshop Again

This one is on class, and lately, I've been realizing just how much class affects me, my friends, this country, the world etc.

Anyway another weekend workshop means Rosalba coming back with a very clear mind and in a super happy mood. You all want that. Happy Rosalba is the best...and yes I did just refer to myself in 3rd person.

For the first time I'm actually excited to go to a workshop. Both of my parents are going too, which is weird, because I've never seen my dad do RC before. Anyway there will be a group of us young adults and I love our group, because most of us were raised knowing what RC is and participating in it. I find those of us much more forthcoming, caring and exuberant about life. It's not that no one else is like that...it's just that we've had more resource encouraging it than a lot of people get. It's not their fault for sure, it just happens that often adults outside of RC or other communities that value each person so highly aren't so excited or clear minded about many things. We're all smart people though (or we can be at least)!

Last but not least, I'm wondering if this is weird. Is it weird that I asked my ex, who's a good friend now, if I was crazy for not wanting Luke's ex near my dog especially after Luke called her crazy, and when my ex said, no that seems appropriate, I felt better? I also talked with my other ex from Hofstra last night. He wanted me to visit for his birthday. That was a little awkward. Generally I'm in a good place with those ex boyfriends, but sometimes it can get awkward when they hint at having feelings for me and I'm like...No. I have only friendly feelings toward you.

On another note, I listened to the song Dignity by Bullet for my Valentine on the way home and decided that would be a good song to have sex to.

Okay good bye for the weekend! I hope at least part of this entry was entertaining!

An Eye For An Eye

I prefer, "an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind." I believe it's true.
What about "everyone has the right to live?" I believe that too.

What happens if some event changes the way I think? I won't imagine that, because I won't lose my heart. I won't lose my heart, because you won't die young. You can't. Not an option.
________

So, I had a good Thursday. Nothing could get me down. I wish I had more Wednesday nights like that.

Oh, and scratch my last few posts about Luke. Apparently he wasn't ignoring me :) Yay! He's not one of those guys! (the kind that runs away after the girl says 'I like you a lot')

And also, I think quite girls think about sex as much as guys do...at least those of us who have had it. In an ideal world, once a day every day. Best workout ever. I've always been a one man woman when it comes to that though.

Also, hint to guys: Don't mention an ex right before. Potential mood killer if the woman isn't skilled at blocking such things out (temporarily anyway).

I know it's my own issue, but I don't want her anywhere near my puppy. I'll pretend I don't care though. I wouldn't care if...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The End

The end of my sophomore year anyway. It's been an amazing school year. True, I wasn't actually happy until early August of last year, but close enough.

I honestly think this has been the best year so far...ever. Hofstra was a fucking nightmare. Now I understand what they mean when college is supposed to be one of the best experiences of your life. It really has been. I think a lot of us would have been much happier if we hadn't bought into the Waynflete 'go to a good school, by which I mean what's right for you, by which I mean what's right for you and very prestigious.' Glad I didn't buy into that for long. I would change schools with anyone I know except maybe Hallie...oh right we go to the same one! ha ha!

And okay yeah I've had my downs this year. I actually hit rock bottom somewhere between first and second semester, but it was major turning point. I figured out what I want to do career wise. Now I just have to plan out the next 3 years of my life :/ It'll be worth it though.

All the stuff with Luke has had it's trying moments, but today I decided if everything ended with him right now, yes I would cry for a very long time, but eventually I'd be okay and I would never regret a moment. I mean I haven't heard from him in 6 days, but I hope that's because he's busy and of course, I would rather it not end right now, because I think he's the best man in the world.

I met some pretty cool people this year too. Friends are always a good thing to have.

Now my brain needs sleep...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Coffee Buzz

I shouldn't have had 2 cups of coffee tonight. I'm paying for it. Tired but can't sleep. I'm really anxious about Luke. I'm afraid he's gonna do that guy thing where he just disappears because he can't deal with his feelings or mine. I like him a lot. a lot a lot. It would kill if he just ran away like that. I need another session now. Not sure if I can wait until Friday. I need to concentrate on finals so badly though. I can't relax until 4 PM tomorrow. Need to sleep.

Dense Man

So I'm very annoyed with this paper right now. It's basically a much longer redraft of an essay I wrote earlier this semester about Kipling's story "They." I could have literally written it in 2 sentences. 'Things are not always as they seem and dense forest = confused man. Go read the story and you'll understand.' However, I think my professor would fail me if I turned that in. On my facebook status I added "(minus forest = confused)" after dense forest = confused man. Then you get Dense Man. Okay I'm a tiny bit bitter about men right now. I know it takes time to figure this out, but I'm just so ready to move past it. I feel like I'm mentally tapping my foot and saying okay already, all you (Luke) have to say is "I like you and I'll commit you alone and everything else will stay the way it is for now." This isn't a phone plan. I'm not asking him to sign a contract for the next 2 years. So just say it!

That was just a little rant. In reality one has to have attention to really think about it. Luckily I have RC as a resource for that. Meanwhile Luke is preoccupied with work and finals and I am sooooo busy with finals. My brain has no more space until Hallie and my road trip Thursday to Keene. Can't wait!

Also excited for fundamentals class tonight because I'm bringing a friend and I think she'll like it. :)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Calm Before The Storm

Today I was in a pretty bad mood until I took a nap around 6 PM. Until then I was worried about the whole new Luke situation. When I woke up I was fine though. I talked to Beans and Jared this evening. Beans and I had yet another argument about whether or not Luke is a "good" guy. At least Jared agrees with me. The only thing that kind of stung was when I told Jared that Beans girlfriend would probably visit and he said "DOUBLE DATE." I got a little defensive I guess. My two best guy friends who are basically my brothers have girlfriends, while I am in the gray area with the greatest guy in the world (in my opinion anyway). Gr!

I am adequate. I'm great. I'm not the kind of woman who requires all of her guy's time. I have my own life. I just want him to admit, to say the words, to tell me he likes me and to commit to me alone. Luke should realize this. I'm not asking him to think about the future.

I guess I don't want to think about the fact that there is a possibility that he'll say no. What I'm offering is completely reasonable though. I thought thoroughly about what he needs and can do as well as what I need and can do. I think it's good.

Right now though, I'm calm. It's bed time and I'm going to sleep peacefully tonight.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Don't Stress

I went to bed last night not knowing if I was so exhausted from my week or if it was emotional exhaustion. I had hoped it was from my week. I'm still leaning in that direction. I've been unusually calm about this who new 'I'm going to tell Luke and straighten this out' thing. I feel somewhat relaxed about it....but also I feel anxious. The weight has been lifted off my own shoulders and put on his. I'm sorry to have to add more for him to think about, but I can't go through this summer like last. Things have changed since then, and I think he needs to acknowledge that.

So I woke up at 4:45 AM. I'd been tossing and turning all night. I was too hot under my covers, but I don't like to sleep without even when it's really hot. My dream was basically about saving this secret village from some sort of gang who wanted to take over the mountain on which they lived and mine there. Then there was this specific guy from the village...Anyway when I finally woke up, I realized it was mostly about the stress. It was the same exactly feeling that I have while I'm waiting for him to think it over.

At least I finally did it. Pretty fuckin proud of myself.

Also proud of my new bathing suit and how great it looks on me! Couldn't have worn it last year. Alas I won't be anywhere warm to wear it properly, but I'm sure I'll get good use out of it this summer.



It's now 5:35 and I'm going back to bed...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Honesty

Today I finally told Luke what has been bothering me for so long. I left there very proud of myself for asking about this summer and about him and me. He said he couldn't look that far ahead. I get that. I wasn't asking for that. He said he would be busy working etc. I never said I needed more time. I did think before that some of it, for him, was that he thought I wanted more time from him. That's not it. Yes I love being with him, but I'll take whatever I can get and I have my own life as it is.

But I want him to be part of it. Like he has been. Of course I like it best when I get to see him once a week. Thus far that has only happened twice in a row. I talked things out earlier today with a friend and realized there are 3 things that I want and there's something I should have just said earlier. Telling people I like them, even best friends and family, can be difficult for me. Then there's the fact that in my head I'm more affectionate than I actually am in real life and I end up thinking they know. I only wish I could have told him sooner.

So I like him...a whole fucking lot and I don't want another guy right now, but I can't handle not being the only woman. Sometimes I look at him and he says, "what?" I could never tell him that I like him, but I'm done being afraid. It's such a relief. Last but not least, I want to know how he feels about me. I think it's only fair. I think I'm worth it.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Reflection: Cinco De Mayo

Learned a couple of things.
1. Drinking at the same rate and quantityas your brown friends who are male is NOT a good idea
2. It's not 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor. It's 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, 4 tequila, floor.
3. I shouldn't have let someone leave last night because a. I needed help and b. because I'm not sure if he read my diary or not, but I freaked out anyway in the event that he knew more about how I feel than I want him to? c. he talked about friends in wars and apparently my subconscious told me I don't want to go more than I thought
4. Apparently being in that condition doesn't change the way I feel about him, just how much I show.
5. Somehow I woke up without a hangover. Thank you birth mother?
6. Things need to be cleared up even more now. No more gray area?
7. Katya time is definitely needed tonight.
8. I hate that phrase: "It just happened"

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Sin Nombre

I finally watched it. I've been wanting to for quite a while now. Not a good movie to watch on a day when you're supposed to be happy and celebrating, but it was really moving.

I guess my final reaction was: why do men always have to go off to join gangs and go to war and leave women behind to feel so fucking helpless and sad. Sure it's often because they don't see any other future for themselves or have very limited option, but it's not fucking fair.

Cinco De Mayo

Today will be great. It's a good day to be brown. It's our equivalent of St. Patrick's Day. So this morning I put my latino playlist together. I've been listening to Daddy Yankee's new album all week anyway, but it takes a lot of energy to drive around with the windows done and the music cranked up.

Recently I've realized how much racism affects my everyday life. I realized that "forgetting" I'm brown is my way of coping with it. If I'm not brown, then there's nothing to see. It's not true though.

On monday I was in a group of people, and after someone mentioned the people of color support group (a group for those of us who are non white to deal with the racism we face every day), said racism didn't really exist anymore because her son went to a college in Canada and didn't see it. I wanted to punch her in the face so hard and start crying, but I didn't. I made myself small and quiet. I left with a headache and didn't get to work on that experience until last night.

What is wrong with that conclusion? 1. It's a white person saying that who goes to school in CANADA. How the hell would they know whether racism exists anymore or not? They are the majority. Not to mention that racism is so ingrained in this society now that it happens on a subconscious level. Yes there has been progress, but it's still a huge problem. It's just less visible. No more hosing people of color; a lot more derogatory terms in every day speech.

Now don't get me wrong, I love love love my white friends, but even they are racist to some point, as as all people of colored, I too am racist in return. It's in all of us, but the more we work on awareness and change the less it will exist in all of us. I have the resources to work on it constantly too, which is great. When it comes to friend though, I never say anything when they say something racist. Maybe I should...

So in conclusion, I love all of my white and colored friends. We're all racism, but we can begin working on it. It's something I experience everyday and it's really scary. It's scary just to drive in my car with the windows down and latino music cranked up. So yes it exists. I just wanted you, who read this blog, to be aware on this day of brown celebration.

Now go celebrate!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ready Or Not

This past week has been pretty interesting I guess. I saw Luke a week ago and hung with him all day. That was the highlight of the 5 day week. Then I spent the weekend with Kat and that was awesome too. So much fun to just break away and go on a little road trip (Two young Peruvian women journey to Boston...). That would be the way a movie would start out.

Today was great. I was feeling good when I woke up. Right before my first class I started feeling insecure because I wasn't sure if Luke would call or not. Then I found out I got a great grade on my English exam. I almost fainted (really!). That's the hardest class I've ever taken. I was flying high for the rest of the afternoon. Then Luke informed me that he couldn't meet me for a very legitimate reason. I got work done and went to meet Emma for ice cream. That was enjoyable. I sat in the sun and she sat in the shade.

But what really made my day even more was seeing TJ at the mall. I went to have my hair done today (it looks great!) and as my hair stylist was putting the bleach in and wrapping it in tinfoil, I saw him walk into JC Penney's. I didn't have my phone, so I decided that if he walked about into the mall I would run to my phone and text him. My brain went something like this: Please please please come back!
And he did. So I ran to get my phone. A few minutes later I was moved to the dryer and he walked in. We talked and caught up on each other's lives since last year at Hofstra a little. We lived on the same floor last year and he lives in Windham. He's one of my favorite people. Before he left I said we should catch up sometime later and he agreed.

Then I guess I was smiling like an idiot because my hair stylist commented on it. She said "you're smiling pretty happily? how do you know him?" So I went into a short version of how I had a crush on him at Hofstra, but I ended up dating one of his roommates instead. She said "that's okay. it happens. My husband originally dated my best friend and I dated hers, but it ended up the way it was supposed to. I'm sure you have a chance too."

To which I was like, wait what? um hold on a second. I told her I did have a crush on him, but there was this other guy who I...like a lot lot more. I don't know what you would classify us as though. And more stuff that I probably shouldn't disclose to the public because what's said between you and your hair stylist, stays between you and your hair stylist. In some odd way TJ reminds me of Luke, but TJ is way nicer to me and would have plenty of time to hang out. I guess that's the difference between friends and whatever Luke and I are.

Also I've been pleasantly surprised by Luke within the last week. It is just me or is he making more of an effort and being a little less ambiguous? I've been in shock over little things he's said (in a good way). One thing is for sure, I will not spend this summer like last. I will not let myself drown in the gray area only to worry that he's sleeping around or doesn't really care.

Okay really tired. Brain is shutting down.


"Take your chance boy ready or not"

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fundamentals of RC

The classes start tonight. Technically we were all supposed to think of people to introduce. I thought of 2, but I'm not quite sure how to go about asking one of them...the other has something important tonight so I didn't even mention it.

Counseling get a bad rep in this society. Somehow it's bad to get help when you need it and somehow it's all about you sitting and talking about problems to a therapist. Being in counseling means you have problems.

That's not all of it though. RC is more about being clear minded about whatever you want. No one tells you what to do. The other person listens intently though, without judgment and it's all in your hands.

more later perhaps...

Summer Time

Last night it came to my attention that its almost Summer when a friend sent me a text about it. I was excited and then had a very small anxiety attack before crying myself to sleep. I haven't cried myself to sleep in a long time, which personally, I think is a great achievement considering...

I don't want to go into great detail about why summer makes me anxious, but I think you all can probably guess and for those who hung out with me last summer, you definitely know. Basically it's not a good time to be in the "gray area."

However, I do love summer when I'm not glaring at couples at the beach or on the street. My 'flete family starts coming home soon (Jared and Kat come back this week!!!) and Hallie is staying for most of the summer. Yay! Emma and I are going to plot fun, man-free activities...and/or activities that allow us to complain about them :)

I love going to the beach, getting tan (the natural way), hanging with friends, making more money, going to Canada, and this summer i'm especially excited to take Luca everywhere.

So today I feel much better. Along with getting papers done in place of exams, I have another goal in mind too...Piece of mind is important.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hum

Well I just wrote a long blog entry, but I erased it.
I'm just going to be straight up (as much as is possible).

Sometimes I feel inadequate. Only in one aspect of my life though.

You can't keep a person in the gray area forever.

Are things getting better or is it just my optimism again?

I guess I should actually start being straight forward.

Libra Woman, Part 1

Libra woman is the zodiac’s activist: The most principled person on the astrological wheel, she can’t separate herself from the aerial convictions. To her, the world requires a redesign, as it lacks the very ideals that she most urgently seeks to project. If she perceives a wrong, she must strive to right I; the realm of human justice is her special domain.

She possesses a powerful mind, a finely tuned faculty that is eclipsed only by her especial brand of ethereal beauty. Of all women, Libra is most comely and fair-rarely one ever to be labeled sultry or, even, overtly sexy-but on this score, and many others, Libra’s looks can be deceiving. Prized for her demure charms, she may risk being objectified as ornamentation, classy arm candy used by men for their own validation or as a means of impressing others.

Meanwhile, her own agenda in love is to fall in with a true friend and equal, a liberal freethinker who shares her infamous love of the arts and all things aesthetic, as well as her often radical political views and eqalitarian visions. She is unconventional in relationships, amenable to casual sex with a like mind, and leery, in fact, of legal, long-term bonds. When she does commit to a man, she demands total fidelity: Hell hath no fury like the lady Libra scorned.

Sign & Mind
The planet Venus rules Libra...this celestial sphere is focused on the mental and social (air-sign) plane as opposed to the material (earth-sign) strata of existence....the Libran woman is most concerned with the exquisite ideas-high concepts and philosophical ideals...

the astral Venus-Aphrodite herself is the heavenly patroness rightly assigned to Libra woman. The goddess of beauty, grace, and charm whose namesake planet represents the universal principles of union, balance, and harmony...Libra woman sees the world as a system of inherently divine order, a unified environment rules by the cosmic law of cause and effect, wherein justice will, and indeed must, be done.

In Libyan mythology it is the goddess Libera (Greek: Astroarche; Roman: Astraea), the Lady of the Scales, who enacts the equalizing effects of karma in the universe. And, anybody intimately acquainted with a Libra woman would readily agree that, when she walks into a room, one can’t help but think: Here comes the judge. Indeed, one would be hard-pressed to pinpoint a more unequivocal individual, one who is ironically narrow minded in even her most liberal ideologies, dogmatic in the expression of her loftiest principles.

In her defense Libra’s intentions are typically for the democratic good, at least as she perceives it. Strictly speaking, no matter how tough a form or manner her proclamations take, this sharp-witted daughter of Venus acts out of love, albeit not as personal expression but rather as a universal prescript.

In symbolic terms, it is the Libra woman’s birthright to better the world... Appreciating every situation she’s faced with, and then taking the proper course of action-or making swift and, arguably, appropriate judgments or actions in response-is the way she leads her life...This is the Libra in a nutshell-a walking-talking dispenser of karmic retaliation, whether in the form of reward (grace) or vengeance (fury)...

Like a mother observing, and then weighing, the strengths and weaknesses of her growing children, Libra assigns everyone she meets a purpose, particularly those individuals who might be of service to her. Still, she sees others in their best light-so much so that one is often hard-pressed to live up to her expectations. She may sometimes miss the mark, prejudging rashly, over- or under-estimating one’s talents or, one of her most notable flaws, failing to sniff out self-serving hidden agendas. So preoccupied is Libra with grand conceits, putting her beautiful all-seeing notions and ideals “out there” that she can be oblivious to the intricacies of life looming just under her nose.

In simple terms, Libra possesses such outsized conviction in her infamous ideals that she realizes them into being. In fact, it is a force of which she must take conscious rein, for even her slightest whims have a way of taking root, such is the power of even a suggestion of her will.she rarely wastes time or brainpower on interests or causes that may never yield her desired effects. She designs her life and is never one to sit idly by and passively go with the flow. She know and let this be a lesson to all of us-that in order to get what you want in life, you must behave as if you already have it.

Though Libra has no designs on dominating a mate, never wanting more or less than a fifty-fifty union, she can’t help but come across as seemingly “above” most men.For her, men generally fall into two, or hopefully three, categories: those who are attracted to her exhalted stature, albeit all to often for their own selfish gain; those who might get a thrill from toppling Libra from her pedestal, convinced that “playing on the ground” is what she really needs; and the odd fellow who, being similarly self-esteemed, makes in her perfect match.

Rewinding back to Libra’s childhood, we see the seeds of her self-righteousness already taking root. In general, a girl born under the sign of the Scales has either an idyllic childhood characterized by the presence of lovingly detached parents, both of whom dote their every whim, or, and this is far more typical, she is the product of divorce. In the first scenario, Libra bears witness to a model marriage, one that allows her parents separate but equal power in the relationship as well as influence over their child’s upbringing- Libra girl is almost always the offspring of two strong-willed individualists. Her parents are generally extroverted, liberal, career-minded types who treat the Libra child as their equal. In such case, Libra is indulged, considered the perfect child and continually given the impression that she can do no wrong. Instilled with so much confidence, the lucky little Libra born under Venus...thus expects her charmed life to continue indefinitely (ugh it's true).

Red = Very True
( ) = My comments

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/librans/53079.html

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Noho

Short for Northampton. Finally arrived. Kat and I decided to go to a movie. We went to see How To Train A Dragon in 3D. I'd already seen it once, but not in 3D and I wanted to see it again. Again, found myself crying. The first part I cried during was when Toothless sat down. He had a lot of the same mannerisms as Luca who pretty much owns my heart. He's the sweetest thing in the world. So I miss him, but I can still have a good time away from him. At the end during the scene where he wakes up the Hiccup, it reminds me of how Luca wakes me up every morning. He grunts and nudges me; first my face, then he basically punches me in the stomach with his nose (he hasn't learned how strong he is yet).

I can't believe he's 11 months now and I got him when he was 6 months. He's 65.3 pounds and I love every bit of him. I could talk about him forever...

Tomorrow is the big game. I'm excited. It'll be fun to go with Kat. We painted our nails black and yellow tonight and wearing all yellow and black tomorrow obviously. It's gonna be awesome (waking up at 8 not so much).

I'm sorry if I've been short with anyone this week. I feel like pretty much everyone backed out on something this week (except Luke (ironic, no?)). So I had to get away and a Peruvian weekend seemed perfect. Might go back tomorrow evening if I'm not too tired and someone is 100% sure he's up to seeing me. If I'm tired, I won't do it though and if he's not 100% sure then I won't do it either.

I miss that kid. Not in a strong craving way, but in a relaxing 'it would be nice to be near him' way.

Exhausted. Good night all.