Good Weekend

I shopped and spent too much. I saw great people and had a great time. I feel kind of like I'm turning into Carrie Bradshaw (from Sex and the City). I have a (new found) obsession with shoes. My life is complicated when it comes to sex and love. I have some lovely girl friends and of course I write about these things, but I don't get paid for it.

Thinking about money and paying for things has once again made me think about the future. I hate thinking about the future. Fantasizing about a fairytale life, I like. The reality is not so fun. I don't want to think about getting into grad school. I don't want to think about being married within the next 10 years. I don't want to think about having children or a child before I'm in the 30s and the chances decrease greatly. I don't want to think about that stuff. Fuck! It's scary!

My brain goes something like this: Well if I'm at USM for 3 more years for my double major and then go directly to grad school for another 5 years, I'll be approx 28 when I graduate. Then I need to establish myself and work my way up the ladder in psychology. Since I'm a woman, that will be twice as hard and take twice as long. Then I have to deal with the fact that have children after 30 is higher risk and lower chance, so do I have them before then and know that it will be even harder and take even longer to establish myself if I have children after grad school? Should I be engaged before I get to grad school?

That's when I breath and yell, "What the fuck?!" This isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but society could be. It just isn't and won't be for a long time. I have hope for the future, but I don't see it shifting dramatically anytime soon. I'm so tired of dealing with racism, sexism, classism and every other ism that there is. I've even gotten to the point where I'm like fuck marriage. It's just papers designed to pit the man and the woman against each other. Why do you think so many end in divorces. I want an equal partner for life who I love, trust and have respect for. I still want the wedding and rings of course, but equality is important to me. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. I'm not saying a definite no to marriage. It's just something to think about. I'm not thinking that far ahead right now though. No fucking way.

Right now I have a guy who can't even plan 2 days in advance and he's not really even committed to me (I want him to, but that's another story for another time). Right now I'm just figuring out how to pay my next bill. Right now I'm hoping that I stay awake during class tomorrow. Right now I'm just a 20.9 year old trying to live and love and be happy.