Honesty

Today I finally told Luke what has been bothering me for so long. I left there very proud of myself for asking about this summer and about him and me. He said he couldn't look that far ahead. I get that. I wasn't asking for that. He said he would be busy working etc. I never said I needed more time. I did think before that some of it, for him, was that he thought I wanted more time from him. That's not it. Yes I love being with him, but I'll take whatever I can get and I have my own life as it is.

But I want him to be part of it. Like he has been. Of course I like it best when I get to see him once a week. Thus far that has only happened twice in a row. I talked things out earlier today with a friend and realized there are 3 things that I want and there's something I should have just said earlier. Telling people I like them, even best friends and family, can be difficult for me. Then there's the fact that in my head I'm more affectionate than I actually am in real life and I end up thinking they know. I only wish I could have told him sooner.

So I like him...a whole fucking lot and I don't want another guy right now, but I can't handle not being the only woman. Sometimes I look at him and he says, "what?" I could never tell him that I like him, but I'm done being afraid. It's such a relief. Last but not least, I want to know how he feels about me. I think it's only fair. I think I'm worth it.