Dearest Emma

I spent my Saturday night watching Emma (all 4 parts). It's funny how watching films based on Jane Austen's books used to depress me. Now they cheer me up. I always cry during them (at least when I'm watching by myself). I always feel better afterward.

I'm a romantic. I don't think you can be as optimistic as I am without being a romantic. Somehow I always think things will work out and these rough patches are just temporary. I know I've been a bit down lately and not a lot of fun to be around. I've been quiet and I've tried not to cry in front of anyone within the past few days. I even had a cigarette, but I just felt worse after it wore off. I didn't want to bring people down at the hookah bar last night, so I suggested Iszy and I go outside for a cigarette. Then I talked to her about my situation some. She seems to be the only one who really understands, because she's been in a similar situation. I guess I probably shouldn't keep so much to myself though.

I've been trying so hard to talk to the person about it, but he's been too busy to see me or something. Anyway I know he'll come around soon enough, when I least expect it. He always does. I just hope that call comes soon.

There's that eternal optimism. They say people like me can only be hurt and destroyed by the world, because it's not designed for such ideals. I think those people are wrong. Emma is a bit like that with her matchmaking. She's wrong about class, but right about love. Such a strong willed, argumentative woman belongs with a strong willed, patient, yet argumentative young man. That's exactly what she finds in Mr. Knightly.

In Sex and the City 2 (movie) Carrie talks about the sparkle in marriage. Well Mr. Knightly and Emma have that sparkle. Argument and lively discussion are the result of a passionate relationship. They say arguing is healthy for a couple. I would agree. Fighting is not, but arguments can be.

Speaking of which, I'm rethinking marriage again. Maybe it would be more likely to work if couples made up their own rules rather than following tradition. Why can't we make our own rules for our relationships? We aren't all the same. It makes sense that our relationships wouldn't all function the same. I just want one that I feel secure and happy in. I don't need to see the guy every day or even 5 days a week. I don't need him to pay for my dinner all the time. I just need to know his feelings are as true as mine and that he's happy with me (and has no need for other girls on the side). Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Please believe it's possible. I do.