No!

Once again I'm really pissed off. I've been pretty violent in getting ready for the beach today. I never should have looked at Luke's wall. I was pissed before that, but it's even worse. Now I'm freaking out (inside my head of course). You probably wouldn't even notice if you didn't know me well enough to see the signs:

• spacing out without a smile on my face
• slightly violent with objects around me
• mildly bitter and passive aggressive comments about men (not my friends) disguised as sarcastic jokes

I want an answer damn it! I want a fucking answer right fucking now! Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. Is it so hard to say "okay monogamy and I like you." I could even deal without him saying he likes me for now, but the fact that he could be sleeping around is driving me crazy. I just need to know. Peace of mind is important to me.

I deserve a little more respect than I've gotten in the past week from him. I act tougher than I am. I think almost all of my friends fall for my tough act to a certain degree, but with guys its a whole other story. I go in with my fists up saying "fuck with me asshole and I'll fuck you up." I don't really say it, but that's my attitude. With Luke I keep my fists lowered and on the occasions that he fucks up, I bring them back up temporarily. Then he does something to show he didn't mean to fuck up and I feel like a fool in fighting mode. It happens a lot less lately, but right now, he's doing a good job of making me want to punch him. I don't know why I bother going into fight mode though, because I've passed the point of being able to avoid getting hurt.

So I'm going to listen to a couple of the songs that reminds me how much I really like him and how good he really is. Then I'm going to have a good day at the beach.