Cruel

It's never been more clear to me how distant the administrative/business part of the health care system is from the actual care. This was made most evident today when my friend told me she received a call from a certain abortion/women's health clinic. They left a message basically saying they had over charged her $100. She received this call 6 months after her abortion.
She's been through hell and back. She said she felt like she was drowning in blackness. She couldn't feel anything but anger and sadness; the guilt was overwhelming. Nothing improved until September. Then she slowly made progress to be where she is today (or was before hearing the message). She said she had to achieve her goals: finish school, start her career, have a family when she was ready; not just for herself, but for her unborn baby. She said she owed her baby to make her life full, but not even that would ever make up for the decision she made.
Fast forward to the past month: I've never seen her happier. Of course she misses her baby, but she couldn't live in that place of mourning forever. She is surrounded by many very close friends who know all of the above, and still love her. She started dating a really nice guy. And then this.
I'm writing this for her, because she's still too fragile to do it herself. She doesn't deserve to be judged by outsiders who don't what it was like. Not even I can comprehend. No one will ever be able to judge her as harshly as she has judged herself.
So here I am sticking up for her and expressing my own anger at insensitivity of the administrative portion of this business. 6 months later. The very same month of her now non-existent due date. December 17th.
Who in the world would really want that money anyway?
She certainly doesn't.
There is no price for making this better.
Now she has to relive it.
And when that check comes, she has to see the man who disappeared after the abortion (after promising not to) to give him his half.
The whole situation is unfair, but this is just cruel.

22

I always like to reflect on what I've learned from the things I've been through in the past year right before my birthday.
This year I could write a book about it.
I won't thought. I don't need to go through it again.
No one should ever have to experience that.

I try not to dwell though.
I really don't these days.
I'm moving forward.
It's a slow process.

I'm so thankful to have all the people in my life lately (who know everything).
I honestly have the best girl friends in the world and I love them so so so much.
And my boys, oh my boys, who have been there for me in a way that even the girls have struggled with.
And of course my family, for whom, I'm sure, this was hardest on (after myself). My dad said having a child is  kind of like having your heart walking around in public completely vulnerable. I can't imagine how tough it must be to watch and let life happen. Not looking forward to that part of parenthood.

I'm not sure what to expect from 22.

• Some heartache of the man variety might be nice, although I'd much rather something work out of course. The reason I say this is because I'd like to have the chance to stick it out instead of running away (physically disappearing or pretending to be a super boring person so the other person leaves first) even if I get my heart broken.

• More creativity within the worlds of music and art. Brandon and I are starting a band. I'm incredibly nervous, but psyched at the same time. I need to make more time for my creativity.

• The birth of my friend's baby/Guess who's throwing the baby shower?! Me!

• Other unexpected surprises both good and bad. I think I'm up to the challenge either way.

Direction

One year ago today (it was actually a Wednesday), my life changed direction drastically. I didn't know it back then, but I knew he was special from the moment I saw him leaning against his motorcycle. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a romantic gesture.
This is an appreciation to one of the most amazing people I've ever met who positively influenced my life and reminded me that ultimately I'm the only one who can figure out what is best for me and what path I should follow.
The past 14 months have been the hardest of my entire life, but I was able to survive, and work toward having the life I want, because I experienced the strength of his own mentality.
I think I might have shattered otherwise.
I'm not fine, but I'm getting there and I'm following the path that I know is right for me (at least for right now. I know the definition of right could change at any time).

So, thank you B.
Sometime soon when I have more time I will thank you personally.

Maternal Instinct

There is nothing stronger than maternal instinct.
It's a bond, that once formed, is almost impossible to break.
Once a mother, always a mother.

Confidence

Confidence is strength and power and beauty

Heart and Soul

If you don't have a heart, how can you have a soul?

I've been wondering.

I thought I lost my heart on June 6th and thereby my soul as well. I just couldn't bring myself to care about or love anyone else.

Turns out it was hiding in the same place it's been for a year and a half.

I have a soul. Yay!

Time to move forward.

Onward

Some one recently remarked on how little I write here anymore.
It's true.
It's not that I don't have anything to say.
I have a lot to say, but it all revolves around a controversial issue that I'm not willing to be an internet martyr for.
I just don't really care about other opinions on the subject, especially those who know nothing about it, and there are a lot people who think they do, but really don't.
I don't have time for such things.
I'm just trying to live my life.

Speaking of which, my friend commented on how I'm mentally 34 these days.
I feel it.
The past year has been a succession of battles that have left me feeling worn.
It's not a bad thing though.
I'm stronger now.
I'm a hell of a lot wiser too.

I don't regret any choices I've made, because it all led here.
Well I semi regret the choice I made on June 6th, but nothing else.
I do regret hurting various people along the way.

I can't change the past.
I can decide to make the present and future what I want it to be though.
That's what I'm working on.

December 17

Think of the most terrifying, topsy turvy, gravity defying roller coaster and multiply it by 20...maybe 30.

That's been my life since Thursday, May 26; really since the night before.
It all became reality on Thursday morning though.

I've been on a roller coaster ride from hell ever since. It just keeps getting crazier; sudden drops leave me feeling sick and the adrenaline expended leaves me exhausted. There have been high moments, low moments and moments where the ride leveled out. It seems like a lot of work for a roller coaster ride, and I feel like I've done all of it for nothing. I won't get to see how it ends. Not yet anyway. Sometime within the next 10 years I'll get a chance to finish it, but I'll have to start for the beginning.

I'll be ready next time I hope...or as ready as I can be; I mean how ready can you be for a hellish roller coaster? It's been a test for sure. Love, support and a loyal dog have gotten me through this round.

Having to trust someone completely beside my parents, trusting him to help me, trusting him enough to tell him my deepest feelings, insecurities and thoughts and then trusting him to stay no matter how ugly it got...well it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Has he been perfect? Not even close. Could he have done a lot better? Hell yes, but we're both doing the best we can and learning as we go.
I'm only this hard on my parents, and that's because you expect the best from the best, or I do anyway. So I've raised my expectations of him and he's done a very good job of trying to meet them. I hope I still feel the way I feel now about him after this is over.

The most amazing thing (second most amazing actually) is that I realized my birth mother really did love me. That's a huge life changing realization, because until now my relationships have been affected by me thinking she abandoned me and didn't care. She did what was best for me.

Also aliens aren't so scary anymore.

I wish I could have said everything as it is, but I can't.

I'll leave you with a date to ponder. December 17th.

Muse

I have a muse.
He's not my inspiration (I inspire myself), but he takes my passion for my own creativity to another level.
I'm really sad that he's going to be so far for 9 weeks, because I felt like we were making some progress; hanging out and having those conversation about how we live our lives.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm going to miss him.

Hey There Stranger

I know it's been awhile.
I've been living life the way I want to and enjoying it.
Unfortunately I feel a little too judged by people who shouldn't be so judgmental, so I don't share as much as I used to.
Occasionally it makes me sad and a little angry, but mostly disappointed, because friends and family are not there to judge, but to accept and love unconditionally.

I've taken 2 big steps forward.
1. (and most importantly) I have applied to MECA
2. (because men are less central these days) I have begun to open up to the Photographer about my adoption and my feelings about it. He's the man I trust most who isn't family. I give him a hard time, but he's one of the people I respect and care about the most. He's an inspiration to my creativity in both writing and photography.

But the real reason I made this blog entry is because I just found a few poems in my Writing folder. I don't really remember writing them, so when I read them, it was like reading someone else's writing for the first time. I was amazed and the beauty of the words and lines and overall picture. Some are sad, but all are beautifully written. I'll post the only one that is finished tomorrow.

Punk For Life

Last weekend I watched SLC Punk.
It made me wonder if it's possible to be punk for life.
According SLC, not really, but kind of.
He gives up the clothes, punk shows, alcohol, drugs, parties, anarchy, dirty language etc, but becomes a lawyer, because he realizes he can create more havoc from within the system than by trying to destroy it from the outside.
I've never been much for anarchy myself.
I believe in freedom to be myself, to do what I want when I want and if you don't like it then, as Ryan Miller would say, "I don't give a...expletive."
I don't always dress the part, I have a couple of retail jobs that require me to dress "decently," but that doesn't change my mentality.
That 'I'll-rough-you-up-if-you-mess-with-me-or-the-people-I-care-about-and-if-you-don't-like-how-I-live-my-life-then-fuck-you' mentality.

I'm not saying I don't care what people think. I do care about opinions, just not their opinions on how I live or should live my own life. You'll never be me; you'll never know exactly what it's like to be me and make the decisions I have made. The same is true for me in regard to you.

So maybe I'll always be a spirited punk on the inside, just not on the outside. Inside is what counts anyway.

~~~~~

Last night I had one of the favorite conversation ever with the Photographer. Okay well almost all of my memories with him are on my favorite memories list, but this one was even better. Somehow we ended up talking about being put into place. Neither of us would ever let anyone put us in our place and there's no such thing anyway. You just go where life takes you. He pointed out that people think they know what they want, but usually don't really want it and we just do the best we can.

It made me smile, because I was thinking about that yesterday and he said my thought out loud.

It was different, because I didn't care what he thought anymore. I mean, I care, but not about what I have to say. If he agrees, that's awesome. If not, oh well. He also said something about how I was one of the few people who talked back to him and didn't completely "respect" him. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but I took it as a compliment. I give him shit about things he says, because I care about him. It's true with anyone I care about.

Back in October was the closest I ever came to believing in a soul mate.
In November I squashed that thought when he broke it off with me.
Now I'm fighting to keep it squashed down.

I will never believe in some grand design or that our lives are predestined, but I think two personalities can be a beautiful fit.

I'm not saying that some sort of relationship with someone else can't be amazing or work out permanently. It's just different.

I guess he's one of the few people in my life who can just be in the moment and I love that.

I really don't want to think too much about the future unless it has to do with MECA.

I have no regrets, I'm doing what I feel is right, and it seems to be working out.

Labels

Everything (in regard to relationships and the Psych Grad Student and even the Photographer) seems so much clearer right now.
There are still a few details to work out, but I think I have handled the situation with the Psych Grad pretty well.
I like him. He likes me.
We both felt way too much pressure from people around us and each other as a result of a couple of stupid labels.
Who needs them?
I was trying to be what I thought he/society wanted me to be as a girlfriend, and he was trying to be what he thought I/society wanted him to be.
The truth is that every one is different and so their relationships will be to. What works for one doesn't work for another. We have to make our own rules, go at our own pace, do what feels right to us. We shouldn't care what other people think we should or shouldn't be doing or care about what point in the relationship we should be at.
I don't care what you think about how I live my life. As long as I'm happy with it that's what matters.
Ironically we were more attracted to each other (and less stressed) when we both felt no pressure to be anything except ourselves.

I'm just gonna be happy and do my thing.
Also, 11 days until my next tattoo. So excited!

Simply Put

I've been having trouble finding words lately.
I cross everything out, because it's just too much.
Simplicity.

There's a lot that I'm not sure about.
I'll figure it out as I go...or not (and I'm okay with that).
I just want to experience every moment to the highest degree, so I never have any regrets.
I want to be the one to make myself happy.
I am what I am. That's enough.
I won't live up or down to your expectations, but I will live up to my own.
I will love unconditionally even if my heart continues to be broken.
I want to live in complete honesty.
I will not play games.
I will appreciate all of the good moments I've had.

6 Months

In 2 hours it will be 6 months from my birthday.
I have mixed feelings about it.
On the one hand the fall was hell, because things were so bad with Nana.
On the other hand, there were great moments, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time.
The photographer was in my life and everyone could see the effect he had on me. I guess you could probably see it last Friday and Saturday as well. I glowed and I was full of life...everyone said so.
He's the only reason the fall wasn't completely horrible.

So much has changed since then though.
I make myself happy now.
I make myself glow.

Today I got my tattoo.
I love it.
The best part was walking back to my car knowing that I had done it all by myself. I didn't need a man to hold my hand through the pain. It wasn't too painful. Some parts hurt more than others. Some parts didn't hurt at all.
I had a huge adrenaline rush, which still hasn't faded completely, but more importantly, I felt strong.

The starfish will hurt more, because it's going over my spine, but I'm not afraid.
Bring it.

And as far as men go, I've put up with enough of their shit. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether they're the "nice guys" or the "bad boys." They all do shitty things when they get scared.
I might have put up with it in the past, but...
Well remember the girl who punched her best friend in the nose, because her friend still hummed a song she hated one too many times?
Yeah, she's back, and she's not cutting anyone slack anymore.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect.
No such thing.
Just do your best, don't let your fears take over and make you hurt other people and you'll be good in my book.
No bloody noses.

Although to be honest, I didn't actually mean to hit her.

Tattoos and Judaism

Everyone wanted tattoos in middle school and high school. I never did. I did want a lip ring, but not enough to consider it. Then I thought I wanted to be a psychologist and any visible piercings or tattoos were out the window. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don't remember when I started thinking about getting one. It just kind of grew in my mind and then it was May. Then my personal life went to hell and I forgot again.
About a week ago everything became crystal clear...well almost everything.
Until tonight I have been torn. I have been known to be more conservative than my mother when it comes to Judaism. I like some of the more traditional prayer melodies and more Hebrew included in the service, but I also believe the Torah is like a Fairytale book with a few useful moral themes woven throughout. I don't take it literally and I don't follow rules strictly. What I love most about being a Jew is being able to question everything, even God. I also love the fact that we don't go out and try to convert or "save" people.
As my mother says, Judaism is a culture as well as a religion.
It's about community.
It's about helping those in need.
It's about peace.
It's about appreciating what you have.
This is my Judaism.

But still, it's a widely held belief that Jews should not be "marked."

"You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord" (Leviticus 19:28)

Back in the day it was common for non Jews to cut, burn etc. themselves as part of the mourning process as well as inscribe their gods images into their skin. I'm sure I don't need to point out the whole only one God thing in Judaism.
So how I have decided to interpret this is that cutting or other hurtful self inflicted marks are bad whether out of mourning or any other reason. It's just not healthy. Then the second part means that markings that represent other deities isn't okay, and it just doesn't make sense if you're Jewish anyway.
So my tattoos are fine.
Tomorrow I'm getting Chai, which means life in Hebrew above my ankle. I think later in time I will have the star of David added around it, but without the circle surrounding it.
I'm all about life. I've been close to death more than once. Most recently while watching my grandmother decline and then seeing her take her last breaths. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to witness, but it makes me appreciate life even more.
I want it on my body, to remind me of how important it is to live every day the best I can, so I have no regrets when I'm taking my own last breaths. Judaism is a celebration of life and hebrew is incredibly beautiful, so what better form to put it in?
My second tattoo is going to be a starfish. Obviously I don't worship starfish. It started as a nickname, but it came to mean more to me. Starfish are known for their ability to regenerate their arms. To me that represents resilience. Resilience is a necessary skill to survive and have a full life. (Just ask my dad. He wrote a book on it.) There's no such thing as an easy life.
So these are the tattoos that I could never regret, and I believe they are not in conflict with my religion...and I really don't care if you think they are.

L'Chaim!
To Life!

Verbal Marks

Everyone who enters your life leaves some sort of mark.
Today I realized this after I thought "Efff youuu!" It's a phrase the Psych Grad Student uses jokingly and now I hear his voice saying it in my head all the time.
Later I was walking my dog and I said something to him about going to the bathroom. I realized it sounded exactly like something the Psych Grad Student would say to his dog.

Freedom of the Now

I find myself clear headed and a bit confused these days.
Some things are clearer than they used to be.
Some things are perfectly clear.
Some are more muddled.

I'm not really worried about it.

That's life.
It's a chaotic mess that we try to control.
Why bother?
Why worry?
Why do we have to control everything?

I don't want to.
I don't want to be compelled to.
I want to live in the now.
I want to experience everything that is happening now.
It's so freeing.

I don't want to plan out the next 5 years.
I don't want to miss living my life now, because I'm too focused on planning where I want to be in the future.

Do I have goals?
Yes.
I want to graduate from MECA
I want to do what I love, photography.

I'll get there.
I'll make it happen.
For the first time, I'm sure of what I want to study and excited to do it.

Now that it's happening, no one, no man, absolutely no one can take that away from me.

There's my clarity.

I'll be honest, it only became perfectly clear after the Psychology Grad Student broke up with me.
I was sad, depressed and a little angry, but I was still clear on the goals and dreams stated above.
I was still just as excited for that.
I still am just as excited.

Back in September I thought, 'why does something have to go wrong, when something else is finally going right in my life? Why does my grandmother have to be dying, when I finally have this amazing man in my life.'
~
I remember the day he and I had our first "date" over coffee...well more like tea. I visited her for a bit, then told her I had to go meet him. I believe that's the happiest I saw her since she started going down hill and even to her death. She lit up.
~
The point is, now I'm thinking 'Maybe some things aren't working out, but I finally feel in sync with my life and like more is going well. I lost a friend either permanently or temporarily, who knows, and I was dumped by a man I really liked, but I have purpose, I'm generating my own happiness despite all of that and I'm beginning to resolve the complicated mess of relationships I've had within the past 2 years.'

The hardest part is facing the fact that I covered up my feelings for the Photographer and in some small way, even though I didn't mean for it to, it affected my relationship with the Psych Grad Student.

Friday I realized the feelings I had for the Photographer back in September, October and November were still there...exactly the same.

People have the tendency to romanticize there ex's personalities especially when the current love life isn't going so well. I figured that's what I had done as well. I slandered his name to my friends and made myself believe it.
Well I was wrong...and right.
Turns out he's just as amazing as I remembered.
Turns out, he's even more attractive than I remembered.
Turns out, he must have felt something too.

I felt like a bright beacon of light, but not because of him.
I've had that feeling since Tuesday or Wednesday.
He just...inspired it even more.
I was happy and open in a way that I haven't been since the ordeal with Nana.

Since Monday, I've decided not to over think things.
I don't want to miss out on everything I'm feeling and seeing right now.
Sometimes we think too hard, and try too hard not to make our past mistakes, but we're thinking so hard that we don't even realize we're making those same mistakes and others as well anyway.

I'm an intelligent woman.
I once wrote in a blog post (that I deleted after the Photographer disappeared from my life in November) that "you know you're on the right path when your head and heart agree."
That doesn't only apply to relationships.
That applies to all aspects of life.
They agree on photography.
They agree on MECA.

As for the Photographer, they're still deciding.
I know I don't want him to disappear from my life again.
Whether that means being friends or something else, I don't know, and most of the time I don't really care, because that's too far into the future to see.
What I know is what I feel right now.
Content and sleepy.
I suppose it's time for bed.

Sick Boy

If you don't know what song the title is a reference to, then you probably won't understand what comes after.
I want a sick boy.
I had a sick boy.

Sick boys are not "bad boys" per se. Sick boys are good guys in the punk style.

I wish I had known then, what I know now, because things might have turned out differently. They might not have, but at least I would be satisfied we had both done everything we could.

I don't think I really got over him
I don't think I wanted to.

Punk.
I miss it.

The Ins and Outs of Exs

Who says you can't be friends with your ex's?
I know I wrote a post contemplating it once.
Currently I'm friends with 3 of mine. I text with one of them frequently. I text and occasionally talk on facebook with another one. The third is a little more complicated, but it's going to get figured out.
Right now I know I want to be friends with the Photographer.
I had a talk with the Psychology Grad last night (face to face). I suggested taking it back and going slowly. I don't know if it will work. He doesn't know if it will work. He wants to try....
But I'm not sure if I want to...Surprise!
He lost quite a bit of my trust and respect in the way that he did it.

I'm going to do the Miranda thing and write down the pros and cons...when I get time.
Right now I'm off to work.
Workin' it out, one problem at a time.

But for the first time since Saturday morning, I really feel like smiling and being happy.
Shit happens.
In the end we have to make ourselves happy.
We're human. We hurt each other even though we don't always mean to.
It takes a small person to hold a grudge.
It takes a big person to forgive.
So I'm going to be as happy on my way to work as I was 2 or 3 weeks ago
...and I don't need a boyfriend to feel it!

End Chapter: Psychology Grad

Everyone who touches our lives teaches us something.
Sometimes we wish they didn't.
But they do.
I'm not sure what I've learned from the Psych Grad yet.

I feel like every time I've tried so hard not to make past mistakes, something always goes wrong.
and...
When I do the things my friends and I think are definitely mistakes, they tend to work out well.

Last night I was happy.
These past 2 days I've only been happy while asleep, part of the time I walked around the boulevard, and while dancing, but for 4 and a half hours last night I was happy and I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.

Maybe I need to be less careful and make more mistakes. Then I'll end up figuring out what the right path for me.

On the bright side, this has in no way affected my decision to go to MECA and study photography.
After Luke I didn't want to do anything.
After the Photographer, I ran into the woods and cried for awhile. Then I was dealing with Nana dying on top of that and school went down the hole. I hated it.
So I took a break.
I was afraid my decision to go to MECA was based on him. I didn't really think it was, but I wasn't sure. Now I know for sure it's not. It's my path.
Right now, I would like to go back to sleep, but I can handle my responsibilities (work, dog etc) and make it through the day.

My moods range from sadness to depression to a tiny bit of anger to okay ("things might be okay. I'm alive) to very rarely happy.
What makes me happy these days? Small things I see around me (the curves of branches, the a young couple ("I really will get to be that happy someday on a more permanent level"), a bird, someone walking their dog etc), Friends (thus far: Kat, Kate, Carol, Beans, Jared, Rick, Mylene have all been there to some degree for me), exercise (taking walks, running, dancing).
That's about it.

I just have to hold it together until 6:30. One minutes at a time.
Then he comes over and tries to make up for the text, but can't really and I cry for the rest of the night, maybe watch some SG-1 and eat ice cream before I fall asleep.

And so ends that chapter.

"Not Again"

When the Photographer decided it wasn't going to work, I erased all evidence of him from my blog, facebook posts(except I didn't delete him) etc. I saved a paper copy of all the blogs I wrote about him and I have been in the process of transferring them to my diary. I kind of regret deleting them, because you can't really delete the impact someone has on your life.
So I'm not going to delete the Psychology Graduate. He's just another short chapter with a lot of filling I guess. Below is the post I was writing right after he left my house yesterday up until he sent me a text an hour later saying "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't think this is gonna work."
~~~~~~
For a good three years, I wanted what I didn't have.
I wanted a man who I could love completely.
I wanted a man who loved me, who liked holding me, who didn't drink too much, who wanted to spend time with me, who wanted to introduce me to his friends and meet mine, who wouldn't care if I looked like shit in the morning, but preferably would still think I was beautiful, who wouldn't be put off by my tendency to be terrified by so much affection and who would be patient, who would love my dog, who would want to meet my family, who would be there for me in crisis...

I wanted to be that happy couple walking down the street laughing at some inside joke and holding hands.
I thought that would make me infinitely happy.

I wanted this and I wanted that. How many time's did I make wishes on 11:11. I wish for this and I wished for that. I tried so hard to make it happen, even though I knew I couldn't make anyone do or feel what I wanted.

I almost gave up.
There were moments when I gave in to the bitterness.
I made one last attempt to get what I wanted and what I deserved.
I got lucky.

I'm not really sure if I believe in fate or luck, but I feel exceptionally blessed.
Things happen when you least expect them to I suppose.
There's something like a spark when you first meet.

A relationship is not so easy all the time though.
I learned that from my parents first.
Maintaining a relationship requires work.
~~~~~~
How ironic is this?
Yet again a man waits until it's too late instead of trying to work on the relationship.

Did we jump in too fast?
For sure, but it could have worked if he had wanted to put time into it. He didn't want to.
So it's over.

My first thought after I got that text was not again.
There's no painless way to end any sort of relationship, but you can be courteous. Face to face is respectful. A text or a phone call is not. Saying something when you first notice something is off is courteous. Waiting until it's too late and blind siding the other person is rude and extremely hurtful.

I'm really sad, because I thought this would work. I really was blind sided. He didn't show a thing really. I learned from the Photographer though. I fought to try and fix what was wrong. He doesn't want to though, so that's it. All that's left to resolve is how it happened and how I missed it.

I never fully resolved anything with the Photographer and it's been bothering me ever since. I never had the face to face; I never fought to resolve it. I forgot about him though until he sent me something thoughtful in a facebook message a couple of weeks ago. Then he seemed to pop up in my mind again. I considered trying to be friends, and was still considering saying something until the moment the Psychology Grad broke up with me.

Last night I decided I need to get out and dance. I did and for an hour I felt so happy. In that hour I also sent the Photographer a text. Mistake? I don't know yet. I know that to move forward I need closure and I would really like to be friends with him.

We'll see.
I'll get it straightened out some day.
The good thing about yesterday is that I made a new a friend.

Time to eat carbs, ice cream and watch chick flicks.

Understanding In Time

It's so strange to read something you wrote 6 months ago and realize how much has changed in that small amount of time.
It would appear that I'm finally learning to trust people enough to show my full spectrum of emotions starting with my boyfriend.
I looked at a calendar and while I've never been one to think much of a one month anniversary, I'm slightly amazed. I feel like it's gone by really fast, but at the same time I feel like I've known my boyfriend for much longer than I have. In terms of trust, I'm certainly moving at a much faster pace.
To think only two months ago I was mostly devoid of emotions and in a constant state of numbness. Then my boyfriend came along and my walls started tumbling down.
The only trouble is that I'm left with the feelings that I didn't address after nana died as well as all the good feelings. I have trouble watching people die in movies and tv shows these days. Tonight a doctor who had been on Stargate SG-1 for 7.5 season died. It upset me.
Everyone thinks I'm sad. I don't feel much sadness; not because I don't miss her, but because I think she's happier where she is now than where she was between June and her death. Mostly I'm angry at everyone who has never had to watch someone they loved deteriorate over 6 months and everyone who hasn't actually been in the room with someone as they took their last breath and everyone who hasn't had to juggle a job while taking care of dying family memory.
Being in the room that day. It changed me. It set me apart from most of my friends. I have that image forever burned into my mind and I don't see it daily anymore, but a couple times a week and no one ever knows.
No matter how difficult it is sometimes I'm glad I can feel again.
I'm also glad I got to spend St. Patty's Day night with Kat and Kate. It was like old times. There's nothing like good friends who know how to listen and don't judge you. Kat is the best at that, which is probably why she's one of the few people who gets through to me.
Now I suppose it bed time.
A year ago I dreamed about going out to the cabin with a guy I cared about for a relaxing weekend or Saturday night. Now it's really going to happen. Can't wait.

Worthless

"She's lucky to be with him."
I've had this sentence that someone said Saturday night running through my mind.
I think it hurts this much because it reminds me of something the guy I was dating back in the fall (I'll call him B) said on October 30th after the Halloween Party. He said "I wanted to invite you (to a different Halloween party), but my ex was there and we're kind of trying to be friends. It's a little awkward hanging out especially if she brings a guy or I bring a girl."
It hurt. A lot.
So much so that I remember almost exactly the words he said and place that it happened. It was like I wasn't important. I was just some girl. Two months after meeting, I was just some girl. I remember thinking (after the whole thing ended about a week or 2 later), "when did I go from being the girl he had so many things in common with and felt a connection with to just some girl?"
In this situation, who he is isn't important. It's the words and the fact that I was just some girl who could be let go of so easily like something worthless.
So Saturday night the words branded themselves into me just like the words in October.
I'm not worthless and I'm not lower than anybody, but the implication still hurts, and the thing that scares me the most is that my boyfriend could have the same reaction B did if I get scared and start to pull away like I did with B. Right now I'm this great girl in his eyes, but what if I go from that to "just some girl not worth shit?"
Risk of heart break is far greater now than it was with B. Is it worth the risk and potential hurt?
I believe it is.
That's why I'm here.

Bagel Epiphanies

I began today with a poppy seed bagel covered with chive cream cheese. It was delicious. Mid bite my eyes shifted to the mess of photography books and magazines spread over my book. I felt a jolt of excitement.

It would appear that taking the semester off has been very good for me. I lost interest in college a long time ago. I used to like learning. My first college burned me out. I guess I needed some time to figure out what I really wanted to study; what I'm actually passionate about.

Turns out it's not psychology, but photography. I wish I could have seen it from the beginning, but then I remember that I would have gone down a completely different path and probably never have met the people I know now. So it's been hard, but I'm seeing the light.

I'm excited for art classes.

I'm excited for the future.

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend

I love netflix. You can find all sorts of interesting movies and tv shows on it.

Tonight I found the movie, My Girlfriend's Boyfriend. Is it a chick flick? Yes, but it's not the generic kind. It has a couple of twists. I was certainly surprised and a little confused toward the end, which never happens to me, because I'm a chick flick expert.

Ethan meets Jesse (Alyssa Milano) in a cafe, which is pretty stereotypical, and by the end of their conversation he awkwardly asks for her number. He's the tall, awkward, seemingly nice guy. She's the innocent, peppy, free spirited woman. Their relationship moves pretty fast. He takes her to visit his brother's family. His brother of course has 3 children: a toddler and 2 young kids. They love their uncle and she gets to see him playing with them. She has the "he's good with kids and I really like this man" moment. Then later in the movie he asks her to marry him and she freaks out. She won't tell him why. She disappears.

Meanwhile he's been writing a manuscript with her as his inspiration. He's been a writer for years, but never published, because he's always written the male character after himself, a nice guy. He almost gives up, but she tells him she believes in him. He continues and during their estrangement, he submits his manuscript and has it approved.

That's really only half the story, because I don't want to give away the rest, but it gives enough background for me to continue on the topics of new relationships and "nice" guys.
There's a saying, "nice guys finish last." I'm not so sure that's true. I've had more than my fair share of "bad boys." To them I say, Never Again. I had a boyfriend once who thought that was true. He pouted over the fact that he was a nice guy. He victimized himself. That's probably one of the most unattractive things a man could do.

Actually that's one of the most unattractive things anyone could do.

Anyway, the "bad boy" that sticks out in my mind treated me like I was the least important thing in his life. I wasn't even in it most of the time. Then I would finally decide I'd had enough crying and pain. Then he would reappear and I'd suddenly be back in his arms again. It happened over and over for a year and a half. It was hell.

Then I met a good man who treated me well and who I liked very much, but I couldn't see through my bad boy's manipulations enough to give this good man a fighting chance. 9 months later I met another man. He was an artist with a punk rock side. Bad boy? Kind of, but in touch with his emotions. He treated me pretty well until the night he called and suddenly said, "yeah I don't see this going anywhere, so...yeah."

Talk about a harsh reality check.
Was that a douche move on his part? Yes.
Was it completely his fault that it didn't work out? No.
If I could go back and fix what went wrong would I? No.
Until I met him, I had been constantly miserable. With him, I was happier. He showed me what it was like to be with someone who could appreciate me and who wanted to be with me. This freaked me out. I pulled away. Whatever connection was felt in the beginning was lost.

What's the point? Bad boys and even kind of bad boys with sensitive sides don't last. They're a temporary high. They're addictive. They will never be able to give you what you want until they fully mature. I waited a year and a half. It was torture. It could take 10 years for them to grow up, or it may never happen. Don't waste your time on something that may or may not happen in the distant future.
The nice guys finish first. Nice doesn't mean pathetic. A nice man can be mature/responsible (or immature as the moment may call for), funny, sweet, caring, sexy, smart, family oriented, good in bed and the farthest thing from pathetic you will ever meet.

As for myself, I can only hope I've learned my lessons. There's always more to learn, but as long as I don't repeat my mistakes I should be heading in the right direction. Sometimes when I think about how good I have it now, I get scared and want to bolt before he can leave me. After being treated like shit for so long, you become acclimated to it. Then being treated like the most amazing woman in the world seems foreign and intimidating. It's one thing to think you're amazing. It's another for other people to tell you that you are.

This time is different though. He's different. I'm different. I've never been this comfortable with a man or even person this quickly. I have no intentions of running anywhere except straight toward him and toward everything else I want in life.

Now go watch My Girlfriend's Boyfriend!

"Wanna know a secret? No one is ever ready. That's why they call it a leap, and if you wait until you're ready, you're going to wait forever."

Boyfriends

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 2 years. It's kind of weird; the word boyfriend sounds strange on my tongue.
Of course the boy and man who have mean the most to me, I have had some sort of odd relationship with in the last 2 years, but never officially together. This includes the boy I've been in love with since our Junior year of high school (the ONLY person I've ever been in love with) and the older man, who I could have fallen in love with if I hadn't screwed it up.
Never had a boyfriend who I care about as much as these two men.
Until now.
What I mean is I've finally found someone who is pretty damn amazing. He's smart, attractive, funny, cuddly, can dance/likes dancing with me, can cook, sweet, loves dogs and children, isn't emotionally distant, and he actually wants to spend time with me. I feel more comfortable with him than almost any other guy I've ever dated.
It hasn't been very long, but it kind of feels like it has been awhile. It's new and I don't quite trust new. I trust long-term, happy commitment. I trust him. I guess we'll see.
Hopefully I won't screw it up this time!

Satisfaction

I've been pretty satisfied lately.
Satisfied.
Content.
I like those words.
I don't trust words like euphoric and butterflies. I've found they lead to burn out or something less meaningful than love. Physical connection is important of course, but if it's real, it's something more than an adrenaline rush; something more than having butterflies.
It's funny to think that I was going to stop dating for a year. I didn't think I would find anyone, because I'm so picky, and let's be honest, how many men can handle a strong woman like me? I guess the best things in life are unexpected.
That's all I will say for now. I'm currently running on 3.5 hours of sleep.
Good night.

Valentine's Day Strikes Again

Or does it?
It struck at midnight last night, but in a different way.
I decided that while Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday designed to promote capitalistic tendencies, I rather like hallmark cards anyway.
I used to be the cynical girl for whom watching horror movies and imagining couples walking down the street stepped into a hole a disappeared was what got me through this horrid day. My freshman year of highschool I had a boyfriend, but he didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day until I pointed it out right before he left on the bus. He happened to have a fake flower and gave it to me. How romantic...Then my freshman year of college I also had a boyfriend, but rather than deal with Valentine's Day with him, I drove 4 hours home to watch attractive, professional hockey players play 2 games that weekend.
As far as I can remember I never liked Valentine's Day. I'm pretty sure it started in elementary school. I must have had some sort of traumatic experience that I've blocked from my memory.

This year...I feel different. It didn't hit me until last night though.
As Carrie Bradshaw would say, I'm batting for the other team - the side of love.
In love? Not quite, but there's hope (there's hope people!)
I got blindsided, but I'm liking it so far.

This morning my phone buzzed around 6:15. I had a text. It made me smile. It made my day.
I also have my first day of work and I'm excited for that. Then I have dinner with my parents. I'm looking forward to it. I won't be glaring at the couples around us. I'll be smiling, because I'm loving my life and the people (and pets) in it.

I hope your Valentine's Day is just as happy as mine.

Sense and Sensibility

Sense and Sensibility is not my favorite Jane Austen novel, but I do like it very much nonetheless.

As I have noted before, I have read all the novels and seen most version of the movies.

Tonight I am watching the movie (not the tv mini series) starring Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant.

Tonight I saw something that I didn't see in the past.

Marianne Dashwood feels everything and hides nothing. She's young and innocent. Enter Col. Brandon, the older handsome gentleman who immediately takes to Marianne. She overlooks him for the younger dashing, poetry reading Willoughby. Willoughby is everything Marianne thinks she wants. He reads poetry with feeling, he's forward in his affection, he's adventurous...He practically sweeps her off her feet.

Then he leaves for a woman who has a large allowance. He leaves without much explanation and when Marianne attempts to contact him, he ignores her. Later it is found out that he had an illegitimate child and left the mother before running around. Suave like so many, and just as selfish.

Somehow Col. Brandon loves Marianne despite her being taken in by Willoughby. After her bout of fever she sees what has been in front of her all along - happiness, love and contentment.

Wouldn't it be nice if men were that forgiving in real life?
I am an adult, but I'm still young and as such I make mistakes on my way to finding what I want from life and who I want in it.
Don't we all?

Ms. Brightside

On the bright side, I now have nothing left to lose.

I should focus more on the fact that I admitted my mistakes, apologized and have been completely honest.

Maybe I will soon.
I'm still not past the loss.

In 2011 I have no more grandmother and no more Mr. Big.
What happened to to 2011 will be better?
I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves every year to make ourselves feel better about the shit we've done and get over the shit that was done to us in the past year.
It's optimistic and it drives us to make our lives better. It works quite well doesn't it?

In 2011 I have lost or am losing someone I love. Things can't get any worse. They can only go up.

There's the silver lining in a lot of despair.

Always reach for that silver lining when you're in the dark.
It's your last lifeline and your road back to contentment, if not happiness.
If you're lucky like I am, you'll have loved ones encouraging you to join them at the top.

To be clear, I'm not in the dark.
It's more like I'm in a bright white room with fluorescent lights illuminating my mistakes. I've been sitting here for a little white, but I just found that silver lining that is the crack in the door. Hopefully I'll find the rest of it soon, because I am not a negative person.
I'm an optimist damn it!

Dream From Hell

This morning I had the most beautiful experience....well it was until I woke up. Then it was hell.

I got to see a future that I screwed up. It was happy. I was happy.

Now it's just a dream and I get to live in the reality of the nightmare.

I'm going to take a shower and try to feel better after.
It change from minute to minute, hour to hour...

If you have access to my private blog, you can read about it there.
If you have access to my trust, you can ask me about it and I'll tell you.

Snow Days and Dark Houses

Today I wrote down a few poetry ideas and turned one into a poem. I didn't mean for it to be so dark, but it might be one of the darkest things I've ever written. The idea was to write from the place where I used to feel stuck and alone when Luke did his disappearing act. I guess it was a lot darker than I remember. The title is The Dark House and I was going to post it on here before I realized how depressing it was. I might still post it after I've done a couple more drafts.
We'll see...

Written Word

I find that words can be empty. They get lost after you say them or sometimes they come out wrong (maybe more than sometimes). I'm mostly referring to the spoken word, not writing.

Stories were passed along orally long before written word, but how many of those stories are still remembered in comparison with the ones that were written down? How many were forgotten? How many were transformed into new stories than in no way resembled the original?

Writing is an art that may some day become extinct in our hunger for technological advances. Typing does not and never will be able to replace writing. The brain continues spew messy thoughts as you type and as a result you cannot pay attention to the detail, the art that goes into each word, syllable that make up the meaning of a piece of writing.

Writing is art; it's tangible and it's evidence.
Love letters and letters of friendship and of new events etc. went out the window a long time ago. It makes me sad. One of my best friends and I used to send each other long letters. There's nothing quite like receiving a letter and knowing a lot of time went into the thought and preparation of it.

These days I write poems rather than letters. I have a gift for turning letters and words into a beautiful picture or story. It's a gift many people used to have. I don't show my work to people, because who has time to understand something so beautiful when we're all too busy doing 10 things at once. I don't take so much time to type anything special on here for the same reason.
Perhaps I should though...

Most recently I wrote a letter to someone I care about. I shoved it into his hand before I left and thought I was a coward for writing it rather than saying it. I'm not though. You can forget what someone says if you want to. You can't deny that they took time to write it down.

I sat down in the quiet of my home and thought about him and only him. Then I put my most vulnerable bits on paper and gave it to him. I put my heart into every piece of writing (school and work aside). I put my heart into that letter. So now it's real; my heart, my vulnerability and my connection with him.

I'll never forget. I even saved a copy for myself.
This letter is me standing and holding my own.
This is my promise to never run away from someone I care about so much ever again.
This is me facing my biggest fear - being left by someone I love.
It may be too late for things to be as they were and should be, but I can be satisfied that I did try...eventually.
Better late than never.

I'm not ashamed of the letter or anything else I have ever written.
We all deserve to have such a letter written to us.

The Fourth Kind

Have you ever seen the movie, the Fourth Kind?

I saw it in theaters.

Key word: "Saw" - by which I mean I most closed my eyes or averted them from the screen.

It freaked me out and will probably continue to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

I didn't sleep for a week straight after I saw it. The night after I went to Dunkin Donuts and got a large coffee and some donuts. I sat up the entire night with the lights on in the den with the tv on. I didn't sleep. The rest of the week I stayed in my bed at night, but kept the light on. The one time I did try to turn it off, I could have sworn aliens were in my room. On went the light again.

After a week I decided I needed something comforting to put me to sleep, so I made an Owl City playlist that played all night and put a nightlight in my bathroom. I got some sleep, but still woke up at different times of the night with nightmares. If I woke up before 3:33 then I would stay awake until 4 AM.
After a month I stopped using the playlist to sleep...mostly because I memorized all the songs and the lyrics would stick in my head so I couldn't sleep.



This blog entry has nothing to do with The Fourth Kind and everything to do with something else...okay, someone else.
I would watch it every day just to get him back.

The only thing scarier than clowns and aliens, is being hurt by a man I care about.
Well I ran away so I wouldn't get hurt. I didn't face that fear then and now it's too late.

So I guess I'll face the clowns and the aliens for now and hope that maybe I'll get another chance to face my biggest fear sometime soon in the future.

Note: A minute and a half into it and I'm hyperventilating and shaking from fear.
If I can face this, I can face anything right?

Dancer Bias

Have you ever noticed how judgmental dancers are?
Probably not.

Over the years I've noticed that dancers:
1. Only critique other dancers
2. Generally think there's a difference between people who learn to dance and people who have the natural ability
3. Don't criticize non dancers unless they look ridiculous

And of course all of this is between dancers, so you almost never hear about it if you aren't a dancer.
Dance can be clickish, but whatever.

I say dance if it makes you happy.
I do.

What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Adopted me :)

Ask me anything

It Must Be Nice

The real world isn't a tv show. It's a jolt to the naive; a harsh reality where only the realistically optimistic and determined can flourish.

Last year someone who means a great deal to me said, "oh, to be a college kid. it must be nice." I ignored the sting of that comment. I don't like being belittled. Honestly, I didn't really care or want to know what he meant by that.

Now I know. Now it's my turn to say that. I won't say it of course, but I'll think it.
It was nice, but now it's over and I have to face the fact that I am first and foremost an adult.

It's a sobering thought.

On my day off, I thought long and hard about everything.

Also on my mind: Family.
Our family is our foundation. Families come in all shapes and sizes and some aren't even blood related. I have 3. My parents, my sister, and my brothers/Katya.

The family I have been thinking about is the one that raised me. My grandmothers and my parents. My mom said that I was the brightest thing in Nana's life. Previously I remember one of my parents and/or nana saying I was the hope for the future.

That's a lot to live up to. It's hard to live up to.
I know I can and I'm sure I will though.

Thing brings me to my next though: One generation is gone.
Our parents are taking the place of our grand parents and we're taking the place of our parents. This isn't to say we're becoming them, but we're becoming the adult generation. It's time for us to find our places in the world.

We can't do it alone though. That's why we have family...and so the cycle continues. As I've said before, life continues and soon my generation will be getting married/finding life partners and eventually having children. Not everyone of course, but a good majority.

Life is never ending. Family continues as well.
On and on and on.

So where am I in this cycle?
I'm learning how to be an adult.
Every day I worry first about money and second about love.
Word of the year: Responsibility.

This may sound like an unhappy post, but it's not. I'm a little bitter, but I'm far more relieved not to be so naive anymore. It's simply a reality check.