Emotional State of Hate

Emotions are tricky. They change constantly. Some don't, but most do. They aren't always rational. In fact, they usually aren't. They shape perceptions.

I would say more, but I'd give too much away.

The Plot Thickens...Again

Remember those times I said there's rarely ever just one man hanging around me?

That defined tonight.

Today I went to Kennebunk to hang out at the beach with Kurtz. I love Kurtz time. I get to act my age (mentally), which is 30. It was a nice break for the hectic 2 weeks I've had.

It's not over yet. Tomorrow we volunteer from 4-10 for the Festival of nations (we=carol and me).

Anyhoo, I found out Will was in town and decided to text him when I got into Portland. He said he was in Portland at the Space Gallery and invited me to the show. I went. I had to park at the courthouse though because it was Friday night. Who did I run into in front of Sebago?

Lucas Opperman. I was strutting accross the street listening to DJ Got Us Falling In Love like I was on top of the world. Then I saw him and froze in the street for a minute. I wasn't sure whether to turn away or stop and talk. He froze when he saw me too. Finally I finished crossing and he walked over. He asked what I was up to. I said "going to a show with a friend." He guessed Space. His friend was freaking out about parking somewhere, so he had to go. He told me to call him...

I said "you call me" and walked away. I was so flustered I went to the wrong ATM. I left a message on Iszy's phone freaking out. I figured it had to be a bad sign that I ran into Luke on my way to hang with Will...or just a confusing sign.

I was flustered all the way to the Space. Then I went in and saw Will. I met a couple of his friends. We talked and I hung around for a few songs. The band was really good. My favorite part was seeing Will rock out to it though. I couldn't help but smile.

After 5 or so songs, I said good bye and went to Jake's house for a fire. Vano, Jake S, Jake C, Carol and I sat around a fire for about 3.5 hours roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, talking and reminiscing about Waynflete. It was nice. I got to know Jake C a little better.

So...looks like my trip to Northampton is definitely happening. Luke better act fast...as in, within the next 7 days.

Reunion

Last minute surprises: Vano coming back for a few days, Michael coming back for a few days.

It's been a crazy week and it's not over yet. There's even a possibility that Carol and I are driving Michael back to Dartmouth on Sunday. I'm not sure how I got pulled into that...I think it was something like "Rosie, wanna come?" and I was just like "Uhhhhhhh....okay?"

Last night was nice. I was at home learning a hip hop routine for National Dance Day on Saturday when Carol called and invited me to coffee with her, Vano, and Michael. Jake ended up joining us at Sebago. I like those last minute invitations...of course this week I haven't had time for such things, since everything this week was pretty much planned last week. We had a nice time. I'm pretty sure the other table of people could tell, because they kept giving us dirty looks for being so loud. 'Flete reunions are like that. Lots of inside jokes and memories and some catching up on current life.

There were certainly downsides to 'flete, but it's times like last night when you can really appreciate the benefits. Some of us don't see each other that often, but when we do we're like an inseparable family. Carol even commented on how we're different when we're with each other than other people. 'Flete encouraged our quirks. We're all really strange, but we like each other for that. Many other people don't get that, so we tone it down for them. Of course it's almost impossible to keep me toned down for very long anyway.

Another observation I had was how much I changed throughout my 'flete experience and even through college. In Freshman year I was a terror to all the new freshies (that was my name for them).

I arrived there in 8th grade and was accepted quickly despite my black clothing and make up and intense love for metal and screamo music. I gallivanted around with Iszy and Amanda and chased squirrels and played vikings on the tennis court. My boys were punks (Ben, Tom Ry, Charlie, Tiger, Matt) and I love rough housing with them. My nails were extremely long and sharp.


Things changed in high school. A ton of new people arrived and I wasn't so happy about that. I had the reputation of being rough and tough and scary. I liked it. The end of 8th grade at a party I wrestled with Tiger and he ended up hiding under a coffee table while someone else held me back. Kate's first impression of me came when we were in the lunch line. I didn't know her and I was standing in line with Jamie. I don't remember this, but apparently I bit him right in front of her. You know, typical me. That same year I gave Imani (one of my bffs) her first bloody nose for humming a song I didn't like one too many times. I also gave her a second bloody nose, but I think that was a mistake. I was pretending to punch her and then I actually did. I was at the front of every hardcore show that Imani and I went to. I was tough.

Now? I still wrestle with my boys. I'm careful though so as not to hurt the as badly. I restrain my biting to those I think can handle it. For some reason Katya thinks it tickles...I guess I don't need to hide behind a tough exterior anymore. I know I'm strong and I don't need to prove it. It's there when and if I need it. I do miss the days of being a terror though. It was a fun reputation. These days to my boys and a few others I'm still "evil" and that's good enough for me.

Going back to 'flete...we were talking about our reunions and whether we would go. I would. Carol and I agreed to go together. So many remember when's...Carol thinks the people from high school are the people we will be friends with our whole lives rather than college. I'm hoping it's both.

How do you mix the worlds though? Many of us don't. I think I've been one of the few who has been trying since freshman year of high school. It's taken 5 or 6 years, but Kelsey finally seems comfortable with the 'flete crew. So I think it can be done.

Busy Like Lucas Opperman

That's my new phrase, because that's what I've been for the past 2 weeks...and yes it does kind of have a negative connotation. Today I realized it's not a good thing to be because I basically passed out from fatigue and too much emotional strife around 1:30.

I worked for an hour this morning outside, had my hair done and found out that Luke couldn't make it to lunch today on the way home. That's about the time I completely lost it. I was so relieved, not because of the reason, but just for the extra time. I was weak, shaky and tearful when I got home and ended up passing out on the couch.

Now I'm feeling a bit better. I'm confining myself to the house and avoiding social contact for the rest of the day. I'm more confused than ever though. He apologized again AND he let me know an hour and a half in advance. That never happens. Usually I end up waiting and then finally text him and he says something came up. Maybe my letter actually did some good and he realized how shitty he's treated me all year.

Last but not least, Carol said something last night as we walked the boulevard. "Maybe indie is short for indecisive." Both of the guys I really care about are indie boys. They're also both indecisive. My friend Kurtz also said, "...you should get a real man...or at least, one who knows what he wants in life." That's a good idea, except there aren't any my age and I don't see the point in settling for something temporary just for the heck of it.

For the moment, I'm too tired to dwell on the subject of men in my life. However, I am jealous that Angelina Jolie was married to Jonny Lee Miller.

Salt

The movie was good. Not as good as Inception of course, but still very good. It was really weird though, because it was basically like my mind. They killed the man Salt loved and she killed them all. They say an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. Well if you have nothing left who gives a damn?

Anyhoo good movie. Good walk on the blvd with Carol. I needed it. My brain cannot think about anything else except solving this...whatever it is...with Luke. I really can't handle any other stress right now. I really freaked out earlier in the evening before the walk. Might need another walk tomorrow evening too or I might just curl up in bed and cry for a very long time or maybe it will be good...I don't have a good feeling about lunch tomorrow though and I'm not sure if Luke picking me up is a good idea. Worst case scenario, I walk home from downtown Portland.

It could just be the 2 cups of coffee I had making me pessimistic. I'm terrified though. I've never been more scared of anything in my life except right before I dropped the letter off. I'm terrified to the point of shaking and crying...not at the moment, because of the caffeine, but earlier for sure.

Tomorrow...well tomorrow I will just be me. I don't think Luke realizes I've changed some over the summer. I'm stronger and I won't back down.

There may be some darkness in between, but I will see you all on the other side. I'll make it through one way or another even if I don't want to. Resillient til the end.

The End or The Beginning?

So today could be my last day like this.
Like what?

Happily in love with Luke.

No I'm not saying I'm happy all the time (far from it), but the love is...It's best feeling in the world.

It might end because, well Luke and I have tentative plans tomorrow. I say tentative, because he tends to blow me off. I say it might end, because if I see him we have to confront this finally. He knows everything. We can't tiptoe around "oh by the way I've been in love with you for awhile and I still am even though you have some major issues." The only reason it would end is because of him....if he doesn't really care about me, if he's leaving and doesn't want to try to make it work...basically anything that has to do with him thinking he could never feel the same about me.

Worst case: We would end permanently. I told myself this was the last time I would try something with him and if it didn't work out then I would never repeat again. I can't honestly say I wouldn't try it again the opportunity came up. So theoretically we would end, but I would still love him forever probably. It would never have the same happy aspect, because there would never be a change.

That's all just in case though...

Of course I'm hoping for something more positive. I'm an optimist after all. I did try preparing myself for the worst case scenario, but I don't think that's possible.

His different behavior (via text) has been confusing. He's apologized a few times since the day he left for Spain. I don't remember that ever happening before...ever. When I asked if he'd be around this week, he gave me options. No "maybe" or "I dunno." Again, really weird for him (in regard to me anyway). Both have me wondering if they're in response to the letter?

I got over thinking about that though.

The one thing he sent me that I haven't been able to get past is about the days he has off. He said he had 'these days' off. Why tell me his schedule if he was planning to only see me once more to end things?

I'm trying really hard not to think about that either. I thought maybe if I wrote it down, it would leave my mind. Female brains are difficult and over analytical and usually I'm good at controlling it, but apparently not right now.

Then there is the dream I had this morning before I woke up. I went to a movie with friends and invited him. He said he'd come. He didn't. He arrived as we were leaving. I was pissed. He left with me trying to explain something about how he said he would try to be there not that he would be there etc etc. You know, typical Luke. Somehow we ended up hanging out in a bunk bed (the higher one). I said something because I was still irritated about the movie. He interrupted me and mumbled I love you kiddo. I didn't think I heard him correctly, so I asked him to repeat, but he wouldn't. I was really happy though. A second later I woke up. I guess my logical brain realized that wasn't reality. It was a terrible feeling when I realized that it was just a dream.

So I'm currently pissed off at my subconscious.

I won't regret anything if it ends tomorrow. He's worth every tear and all the heart ache in the world. I don't care what anyone else thinks about him or my decisions on the matter. If it doesn't work out, don't expect me to be very cheerful. I'm still hoping though. I have to.

Atreyu: The Low Down

The show was great. Atreyu is always great. However I think it's their worst performance that I've seen.
Ranking:
1. Taste of Chaos '08
2. Taste of Chaos (07?)
3. Palladium (05?)
4.Mayhem Fest '10

While I'm at it, I'll rank Eighteen Visions as well.
1. The Station (with Imani)
2. Orono '04
3. Palladium (05?)
4. The Station (with Iszy)

Their performance was great. Of course the guitarist are so skilled that they can't jump around a ton and go crazy because of the technical aspect. Alex was full of energy though as always! Brandon was a g-d on drums and his voice is that of an angel. I like him live because he doesn't sound as trained as on the albums. Alex's voice has developed well. He never sounds trained, but he sings more now. I like where this band is heading. I've been a fan for 7.5 years and I'm looking forward to many more years.

Being a fan for so long of course has lead to me to believe that anyone who jumped on the band wagon with the release A Death Grip On Yesterday or more recently is not a TRUE Atreyu fan. Sorry guys, you just don't cut it as the real deal, but I still love you for loving Atreyu anyway.

I still think the Atreyu-Eighteen visions era was the best that there was. The shows were amazing. The energy was amazing. The crowds were smaller, but the fans were more hardcore so the shows were off the roof. Imani was my partner in crime at those shows. She went as crazy as I did.

If I could relive any 18V show for the rest of my life it would be the Station show with Imani. They had strobes and for about 5 seconds I though I was dead and had gone to heaven. Heaven being one of my favorite bands playing shows forever and me being in the front row and achieving absolute happiness for 1 moment. Or for Atreyu, the most recent Taste of Chaos show. Iszy and I tore into that crowd and I've never rocked out harder.

Happiness is what we're searching for all our lives. Sometimes we achieve moments of bliss, but most never achieve a constant happiness without sadness or something else coming up along the way. Those blissful moments last longest at shows.

Here's one way to tell the difference between hardcore fans and the rest. We expect pain, bruises, cuts, blood, and know there is always a possibility of death involved. We also know there's a code. The larger people help the smaller people if something happens. We're friendly in between sets. (Ex. woman who tied the back of my bathing suit when it came undone).

If you aren't willing to take those risks, then don't come and ruin it for the rest of us. We're family and we don't need people to come along and change that. If you want to be part of that family, then join us.

Good and Bad

I've been a bit down today. I don't need to explain why anymore. It's been the same reason for the past year.

Today I went to dinner with Carol. I compared the way two different men treated me. One is a friend who happens to be off limits, but likes me regardless and the other is Complicated. The complicated one neglects and never apologizes for blowing me off or disappear. The other friend apologizes for disappearing 1 time for 1 hour and wants to hang out with me more often.

Post letter dropping off I've received several texts saying "sorry" this came up or this happened from the Complicated one. The first time I thought it was odd, but appreciated it nonetheless. After it happened again, it completely freaked me out. Then I suggested hanging out tomorrow evening, but he said he can't and asked any other day. It's the any other day part that got me. Both of those together should be a good thing, but I'm so used to being neglected and never apologized to that acknowledgement and apologies seem like bad things. It's so messed up. It's backwards. Is it me who is messed up and backwards? Have I let this happen?

Did I mention the part where the friend who isn't Complicated offered to make a schedule based on when I'm available? My response: "wait...are you kidding? there are men who would do that? this can't be real.

What is real and what isn't? The lines have become blurred. I've accepted the fact that I'm too far in with the Complicated one to think straight by myself. I need to be in a room with him and talk about it in order to ground myself again.

Also on the ride home from the movie I was thinking about things I used to believe. I believed that I make myself happy. That it's in the mind and I can be happy if I want to be. Part of me still believes it, but sometimes it's so hard. It takes so much effort and I've already expended too much energy on making something work with this complicated person. I am not the kind of person who ever believed that happiness is reliant on another person, but isn't that what I've become to a certain degree? It's disgusting.

I've seen both sides now. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.

If there's one thing I am sure of it's that I can't live like this for another year. I can't...No I won't be stuck in a place where I'm waiting to find out whether he even cares about me. If he says he does, then I have nothing to be anxious of and I can wait for him to get his feet back under him. He he says he doesn't then at least it will be a clean break.

For now I'm in a neutral state. Meanwhile my body feels like a 200 pound man fell on me...oh wait. That did happen. I love shows!

Words And Whispers

Atreyu was great. The road trip with Katya was great. I'll say more about that later when I have time and am in the mood.

Currently I'm trying to keep my head above the water...again.
Yesterday during Atreyu's performance I realized that for the first time ever/7.5 years that songs that never applied to me before now do. I knew all of the lyrics to all of the songs of course, but on a couple of them I got really emotional and started crying and felt a little like vomiting (that was partly from dehydration though).

My life for the past year has been Lipgloss and Black on repeat. Sometimes it's Ex's and Oh's.

They played Bleeding Mascara, Becoming the Bull, Gallows, Right Side of the Bed, You Give Love a Bad Name, Someone's Standing On My Chest, and Lipgloss and Black in that order.

Good setlist. Too close to reality though.

I also realized that if everything I have endured in the past year could be physically visible, I would be bloody and covered in bruises and barely alive. So how do I do it? Why do I do it?

Lip Gloss and Black
Lip Gloss and Black
Demonology and Heartache
Lip Gloss and Black
Lip Gloss and Black
Demonology and Heartache
Lip Gloss and Black

Here and There

I thought next week would be relatively uneventful (kind of like I thought this week would be). Nope.

This week I went out to the cabin, played guitar for the first time in 6 years, came into town for Kat and Micah's Bdays, half drowned in the storm that night, spent yesterday at the cabin, worked today and later I'm running an errand with Kat and having coffee and dessert with Hallie.

Tomorrow I'm picking Kat up at 9 AM and driving to Hartford, experiencing the bliss that is Atreyu, driving home. Sunday I'm hanging with Carol and Kat.

So much for an uneventful week...

Next week looks like this:
Mon. work, Tues. evening leading a support group for people of color, doing a lot of with Carol (for her not me...), VANO IS MAYBE COMING BACK TO MAINE FOR THE WEEK, hip hop class with Carol on Wednesday, going down to Kennebunk to see Kurtz at some point during the week, Jared's cabin with the rest of the fam. on Friday, Festival of Nations all day Saturday.

So...I guess that means I have no time for Luke this coming week either? YAY! I mean...What I mean is for once it's me who has no time. Then I'm hoping the next week I'll be able to visit Will in Noho and visit a couple of colleges in Western Mass. Then the next weekend I'm going to Boston with Sean.

Break Down:

• I'm going to spend all the time possible with Vano that I can if he comes back next week.
• I'm so excited for shopping/hip hop with Carol
  
• I haven't seen Kurtz in awhile.
• Festival of Nations is a multicultural festival that I have volunteered at for years. Many people in my class from highschool volunteer. I got to be in charge of the cake last time because I'm sooo good at keep chaos to a minimal when it comes to public functions. Lots of good food, crafts and performances.

It's going to be a good weekend and week ahead.

1,2,3

So it appears my luck with men sucks. At least the men I really like or love.
1 is emotionally distant/wants to go into the army
2 has a girlfriend, but likes me too
3 wants to go into the army also?

So I'm kind of frustrated.

Also I got a massage today and realized just how tense I am and how most of it is because of Luke. W-O-W! The massage therapist said afterward, "you're really tense." Yeahhhh. I need a deep tissue and a man who appreciates me/is available.

Today was really great! It was Kat and Micah's birthdays. We went for the massage in the morning, which was great. My muscles loosened up for about 10 minutes. Then we went out on the boat. That was fun! I was surprised when Josh offered me a hand to help me off the boat. Mostly because I'm used to only seeing that in Jane Austen novels. Their mom also asked me whether I thought a girl liked Josh and if he was attractive. That was awkward, because I used to have a crush on him and he is attractive. I avoided answering straight out though. Then we hung out with Kate. Had dinner and did presents and finished watching SYTYCD.

I also left my windows down and had to run out in the middle of the pouring rain to close them. I got drenched in about 3 seconds. I came in with the sexy wet puppy dog look. It was hilarious.

I have ended the night chatting with man #3 some. I don't know how well I want to get to know him though since it's complicated.

And as for man #2, I'm going to visit him soon. We're friends and that's all that really matters.

Nothing Much

I don't have a whole lot to report.

I'm busy through the weekend though, which I didn't realize until I asked Luke if he was free this week. That's when I realized I'm not free this week.
Tomorrow is the Peruvian twins birthday.
Thursday is cabin.
Friday is work/stuff in the evening
Saturday is SEEING ATREYU IN CONCERT (again) WITH KATYA!
Sunday is hanging out with Carol.
Monday morning is work
Tuesday morning is work and in the evening I have something.

So notice the caps? Yeah I've been waiting for this for a very long time. It means I'm only listening to Atreyu until Saturday. Then Kat can play whatever on the trip down (I can guess that A Little Piece of Heaven and Scavengers of the Damned will be on at some point). I'll get a large iced mocha at Starbucks and it'll be a good trip to Hartford.

Then the show will be amazing, because Atreyu has never not been amazing. This will be the 4th time I've seen them (Worcester, Portland, Portland, and now Hartford). Brandon Saller is my hero. The one time I met him, I almost cried. I've never seen Korn before, but they should be good too and I'm pretty excited for Rob Zombie also. He's craaaaaazy like Marilyn Manson, but Marilyn Manson is actually a nice guy...I hear Rob Zombie is just crazy. I'm excited to plan my outfit. Black is one of my colors after all...teehee!

The drive back will be tiring. Another iced mocha and probably lots of backstreet boys and serenading cars as we pass them. That's what we did last summer anyway when we went to Warped Tour in Hartford. So much fun. I'm really excited for this year.

SO EXCITED!! I even bought a black skull belly button ring to match my outfit. I need to see and talk to Brandon Saller again...and I want to hug Dan because he's tiny and kick ass. And Alex...his voice is that of an angel (an angel that screams and sings). LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

So...Saturday...let's get here already.

____


On a separate note, I've started playing guitar again after 6 years. I didn't get very far the first time. Now I know Hey There Delilah. It's pretty simple. I just have to work on getting it faster. It's nice to have something that takes so much concentration that I don't even think about Luke during or after. I've had a day of bliss playing guitar. Unfortunately I had to stop because my one of my fingers started bleeding. Hurry up calluses!

Also I'm excited to start hip hop with Carol next Wednesday. It's going to be so much fun! I'm also going to start belly dancing in the fall. I already bought a skirt.

So much to do!

Blew It

Yet again.
I shouldn't have sent a text.
I'm always getting in my way.

The condition for never speaking to Luke again was that he had until Wednesday to text/message/call/respond to a text if I sent one or I would be gone. Well it's Monday and I sent one and he responded.

I didn't know whether he would respond. I just sent "hey you." A very small part of me thought, 'damn' when he responded. Most of me started gearing up for the next round.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm sure as hell not waiting another month. All I need to hear is "yes I like you" or "no I don't like you that much." Really, how hard is that? It only took me what, a year...or 6...

I want to stay in bed for a very long time, but I can't. My fire is just a fizzle, but that's a start.

On the bright side, my thighs are sore from my workout the other day. It's a good pain.

This Is Me

• Sometime I like to work out in my room late at night.
• Sometimes I wear my lacy VS nighties to bed because I like them and I don't need a guy to feel sexy for.
• My puppy is my little prince and the source of a few realizations, so anyone who doesn't like him, I don't like.
• Almost all of my underwear can be classified as "sexy" and again, I wear it for myself.
• Dancing always makes me feel better about anything.
• I'm afraid to listen to the creative lines I put on a tape recorder because I'm afraid I will hear weird noise and myself scream from an alien abduction that I wasn't conscious for (Fourth Kind)
• I say "I know! Thanks!" when complimented because I'm confident, not cocky.
• I think latino men speaking spanish fluently is sexy.
• At movies I like popcorn with lots of butter and I alternate between a handful of that and an m&m.
• I will listen to anything I can dance to.
• I don't like sad songs, because they make me sad.
• I dance and sing in my car constantly and I don't care who sees.
• I would never cheat at anything or on anyone.
• I'm not sure if I believe in the institution of marriage anymore
• When I love, I love with every ounce of my being. I've only been in love once.
• I never stay down for long --> Optimistic!
• I prefer the beach and ocean to the woods and river except in the fall/winter.
• I love children.
• I shop too much, but I get quite a bit of exercise doing it (on average regular shoppers keep off about 10 pounds a year)
• I love wearing men's flannel and I'm not sure if I can feel comfortable if women's long sleeved shirts anymore.
• When I'm down, thunderstorms can make me feel better.
• There's nothing wrong with reading cosmo for fun, but I filter everything carefully, because it's not all true.
• Clothing will never make you unique.
• I have my first real attraction to a latino man, but I think he might be off limits due to certain circumstances.
• I don't find it hard to understand men, but they're not all the same.
• When I find something really stressful, I tend to avoid it, but I try not to.
• At this point, I'm not sure how I'll survive when Luca dies.
• I get my energy from groups of people.
• I like to listen to people talk about anything and everything.
• I hate it when people try to give me advice unless I ask for it.
• I believe that you're never alone with your problems and that someone else has experienced the same thing before you.
• I miss overnights with Katya where we would talk until 3 AM in the dark about everything.
• Sometimes I think certain parts of my body are fat, but that passes in about a day.
• I don't compete with other women for a man.
• My seductive smolder face will knock a man senseless.
• I'm convinced my angry smolder face is killer.
• I avoid looking at people when I don't want them to see how I feel about them/something.
• I would never move far from home for a man.
• I want to go to ireland, because I hear there is very little racism there and it's pretty.
• I miss the sophistication and artistic nature of Paris.
• I'm incredibly smart and observant.
• I'm afraid I won't have enough money to visit Kat in DC if she's unhappy and needs me.
• I recently realized how much I miss and need brown people in my life.
• I get bro time and I think it's kind of sexy.
• I love having my own bro time. It's very different from ladies night or a mixed night.
• I'm not embarrassed to talk about sex.
• I can't sleep without a cover even in hot weather because I'm afraid something will get me.
• I love 90 degree weather.
• I love snow.
• I love how you can meet a complete stranger, find out they're Jewish and feel instantly bonded.
• I love the rush of a fight.

That's all I can think of for now

Forever Dark

You can’t lay in the Dark forever
when Life, clings to you ferociously,
you lay there limp
no Strength in your muscles,
no Mass in your bones, no bones,
legs sprawled
half hanging over the bed’s edge,
You would be Dead
if Only.

Your cage expands,
ribs push taut under skin,
They collapse
If only they would crush your Life,
But it Beats,
Beat Beat,
Poison exits your lungs,
cleansed air is the Devil,
That binds you to this world.

Time is a figment,
of this world’s imagination,
maybe this world, is of your imagination,
A nightshade,
Where Shadows hide smiles and
Smother laughter,
they fill your insides,
Torture by expansion,
But invisible to the eye.

A millisecond has no meaning,
But Infinity
Count time through breaths,
Shallow and Ragged,
Remnants of a once jovial Shell,
To which Life still grasps,
let it lift your torso, your arm,
let it move you to the first shade of light,
You can’t lay in the Dark forever.


(for full effect with layout please refer to Forever Dark under the notes section of my facebook)

Ender

I've been trying to decide what to do with Luke. I won't wait another month to go barging into his house again. I wanted to give him a week to get back to me and discuss the letter/hang out/do anything. It's kind of hard to do that if you don't actually tell the person you're giving them a week. I guess I was still hopeful that he would do it on his own. I should have known after a year of not doing anything that he still wouldn't do anything.

I'm not sure I can wait another whole week. I'm not sure I should. If he comes back and makes plans with his boys a few days in, and he says nothing to me, then I must either be at the end of his list or not on it. I understand having your boys is important (I have my own group after all), but you need more and if the more isn't me, I deserved to know a long time ago.

So expiration date, Wednesday?

I am not the kind of girl who sits home waiting for a man. I'm not the kind of girl who allows herself to be last on the list. I'm always first on the list and if I'm not, you can be sure you're not going to be at the top of mine.

I realized last night around 1:30 AM that I lost my fire. Somewhere I lost my fire. Well it's coming back. It started to rekindle the day I walked into his room and asked what was going to happen this summer. It's still small, but it's been growing faster since I delivered the letter.

I'm indignant at this point. I am not a kept pet.

I gave him my heart in a way that I have never given it to any other man. He should be ecstatic.

What do I want? I want a fucking answer. I want to hear yes I like you or no, I don't like you enough to continue. Time/Places/Money etc. don't matter. The feeling matters.

If he does like me, then I'm worth a little more effort. Clearly he has the capacity to make plans with his bros, so that should apply to me. If not, I'm walking. Forever this time. There won't be a fourth opportunity. If he doesn't like me enough to try and he's known this for awhile, he's an ass and karma will fuck him over.

I'm not mad at his legitimate reasons for being busy. I am upset over his illegitimate reasons. I can see them finally. They exist.

I love the man, but I have to do what it takes to make me happy...with or without him.

Pointless Babble

Today I thought: I'm the girl who cleans and washes her clothes in her underwear. It's more comfortable that way.

It's hard to have confidence if you don't like how you look in your underwear or naked even. I make a point to wear only underwear whenever possible these days. Seeing as I basically only own the lacy kind, it's always a lovely view (for no one but myself *sad sigh*). I, along with many other women, have often found that just wearing sexy underwear underneath plain clothing can give you a boost. Then you pass that point, and can wear anything and still feel confident. I wear men's flannel shirts now and get twice as many looks as I did wearing regular shirts...of course that's like saying a model who gets a certain amount of attention wearing VS underwear, gets twice as much naked. It's a lot.
I don't care. It's comfortable.

Also. Brown men. Really though. I should pursue brown men. It's funny how it comes into a full circle. Started with brown people, 20 years of white, and now I'm thinking if my current heart's desire doesn't work out, my heart may return to the origin of brown.
Cross your fingers that it works one way or another. My heart should go to a man who can fully appreciate it, regardless of his skin color. I'm just trying something different...unless Luke gives me the answer I want...in which case...it would be different for him and me. Okay good night babble babble.

Also my dad sent me texts tonight. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond. WEIRD

Love Letters

I wish men still wrote poetically to women and that women could reply. Hell, I wish people still wrote letters in general. I am determined to write to Iszy while she is at camp in NY.

Still, there's something about taking the time to construct a letter as a piece of art to be deciphered and appreciated by the one/s you love most that is...romantic.

I recently watched Bright Star and as a result, I decided to read Brigh Star, the book of love letters and poems by John Keats to Fanny Brawne. I am trying not to rush through them and only to read 1 per day. It's difficult to restrain myself.

Here are 2 excerpts from the first letter in the book. The first I connected with, because sometimes you are in a wonderful place with wonderful people, but it still isn't the same. It's hard to explain, but everything seems duller. It's not quite as beautiful or brilliant. As for the second quote, I admire his use of butterflies. It's not overdramatic, but a colorful illustration of his pure love for her.

"I do not know how elastic my spirit might be, what pleasure I might have in living here and breathing and wandering as free as a stag about this beautiful Coast if the remembrance of you did not weight so upon me." - John Keats

"For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a form: I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair. I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." - John Keats

Toronto

Perhaps I've spoken of it before. It's been my wish to go back since I left last summer. We had a good family vacation there visiting our Canadian family. Fran and Jon are some of the coolest people ever. That's been my opinion since I was very little of course.

As I've mentioned before, It's important to me to keep that connection. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have no desire to have such a connection with my southern cousins. Generally once you cross a line with me, I won't forgive or forget.

Anyhoo, part one of my birthday gift will hopefully be a trip to Toronto. Hopefully I will be able to bring a friend as well. What awaits? Family gatherings, sarcastic artistry (Jon and I are the best and when we come together, we're very good with sarcastic jokes), clubbing, dancing, people watching, shopping, splendid dinners, intriguing conversation and...lots of fun and laughter.

Luckily I have learned my lesson with alcohol. Responsible drinking from now on.

Speaking of which, Katya pointed out the shot glasses in a tourist store. I wanted like 5 of them because they had lobsters on them and I love lobsters. No more shots of anything ever again though. No straight malibu, no T-word ever again. I think I would probably vomit if I was faced with doing a shot of pure alcohol. Never again.

However a mixed one might be a possibility, but that's not classy. Only drink such things in bars and clubs. I don't think I would though.

I asked Jared what he remembered from the 4th. I was super embarrassed when he said I just kind of started crying when I walked into the kitchen and then cried for a long time.

Live, learn, move on.

Filipino vs. Spanish

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not Spanish. Yes the Spanish raped my people a long way back, but my features are more Asian than European. Most people assume I'm Filipino, which is a great compliment, because they are seen as some of the most attractive non-white people.

So anyway I'm Peruvian and I want one of those tests to check my heritage.

Family

It occurred to me at the end of ‘Where The Wild Things Are’ that family is really important. It’s the center of love. It’s where you first learn what love is. Many of us are family oriented. I know I am. I could never be far from my family. I want my family to be close knit. That’s part of why I’m trying to keep in touch with my cousins. That’s why I want a man and children eventually; to carry on my family.

Loneliness and isolation are the enemy. I was talking with a friend about them today. He said his friends have moved on from college. He has too, but his job is in the same place. He’s afraid of being lonely. It’s scary, because one doesn’t have a chance of happiness while feeling lonely. Alone time is one thing. Everyone needs it. Some more than others, but that’s not the same thing as not having people to confide in and laugh with. A dog helps a lot in that department, but human contact is still necessary. People you love are necessary.

I’m blessed in that department, although sometimes when I’m down, I can’t see it. There’s always someone to help me back up

Solar Eclipse

"The solar eclipse pairs with the New Moon, as always, at 3:40 pm EST. The Sun is in harmony with Mars and this is an energized, active, and unpredictable day! Solar eclipses tend to relate to fathers, boys and men in our lives and also to Leos. Changes are inevitable and include announcements, long distance moves or moves back home, and complete changes in our ways of thinking and operating. Most of this does not relate to planned or expected moves. Some of this will not be by choice. Circumstances and what some will call chance or fate are suddenly created. Even if things seem out of your control, your reactions and decisions are your own. Mars says move actively and with intention. The weeks ahead will be a chain reaction from this eclipse and the lunar eclipse in Capricorn two weeks ago. Cancer and Capricorn these changes are very personal to you. Wear white."

That's today's general horoscope. There was also a long post on the effects of the solar eclipse itself, but I don't feel like copying it here. It did, however, explain why I've been having so many dreams and vivid ones at that. It also explains all my creative energy. My need to dance and write.

But the dreams...I keep dreaming about Luke. It would not be so unsettling, but the dreams are so real. They aren't weird. They're like real life and I wake up thinking they're real and then confused when I realize they're not. Last time something like this happened, they wouldn't stop until I confronted the person. I have already confronted Luke and it's his turn to make a move, so I don't know what more I can do. I've given everything I have. I put it all on the table. What more can I do?

Psyche Might Slip

For short it's called PMS. What a lovely experience to have each month. It started yesterday I believe. I was incredibly down/anxious about Luke coming back, which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense until you add hormones.
Damn hormones!
Everything becomes more emotional/sentimental/bipolar. Today I was really sentimental which is how I knew I'm PMSing. I went to visit kelsey, I went by her old house and I even visited our old house on Mabel street. Then I went to rent Princess diaries and Jungle 2 Jungle, which were 2 movies we watched over and over when we were little. It progressed from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, to Jungle 2 Jungle, to Princess Diaries. Good times. I listened to sad/emotional music such as John Mayer and teared up.

Tonight I watched Paris, Je T'aime, Bright Star, and Wedding Daze. As you can see, the theme is love. I'm too tired to talk much about them now, but I recommend Bright Star to everyone. I recommend Wedding Daze to anyone who likes romantic comedies and can appreciate the sentimentality and love as much as I do.

Vivid Dreams

I don't know why my vivid dreams are suddenly back.

I took and a nap and dreamed that I had dinner with Imani, her dad and her sisters. Then Vano and I rode this weird wooden car slide thing and talked about how my cabin was near his. Then lots of people came to say good bye to Imani before she went home. She went around in a circle. She said 2 good bye to 2 people, then skipped me and went to the next person, and then the next person. Then I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Imani what the heck?" She said don't worry I have something special for some of you. She stopped going down the line then, returned to a table that was behind her spot and poured something into a container filled with liquid. It fizzed and bubbled over and then sprayed foamy bubbles and water out of a hose in the front. I was in the direct path of it, but it went everywhere. I laughed and laughed and just kind of stood there having fun and not being able to breathe. I thought, of course something special for those of us who have known her long enough to get her sense of humor and not get pissed about it. Then I started crying.

I guess I stopped breathing when the machine went off, because I woke up when I realized I needed oxygen and wasn't getting any.

Guess I'm gonna miss her more than I realized.

Seahorse Pendant

I had a dream before I woke this morning. Luke was home and he gave me a pink seahorse pendant (unusual texture) on a gold chain. I woke up, reached down as I often do when wearing a necklace, and realized it wasn't there. I was sad.
Then I decided to look it up.
"The symbolic meaning of seahorse is quite intricate and diverse as this little creature itself is full of surprises.
The seahorse is quite a unique creature, and thought to have mystical significance among the Ancient Greeks, European (alchemists) and Asians.
The Ancient Greeks and Romans believed the seahorse was an attribute of the sea god Neptune/Poseidon and as such, the seahorse was considered a symbol of strength and power.
Further, the ancient Europeans believed that the seahorse carried the souls of deceased sailors to the underworld - giving them safe passage and protection until the met their soul’s destination.
Chinese cultures believed that the seahorse was a type of sea dragon, and as such they were revered for their power and thought to be symbols of good luck.
Sailors have long viewed the seahorse as a good luck charm too."
Symbolic meaning of Seahorses carry the following significances:
• Patience
• Friendliness
• Protection
• Inflexibility
• Perspective
• Generosity/Sharing
• High-Perception
• Persistence
• Contentment
___
Jewelry:
• "To see jewelry in your dream, signifies status and your own sense of self worth and personal value. It is also symbolic of knowledge, identity, or whatever qualities you hold precious in your life. Jewelry highlights the importance of spiritual and psychological riches.
• To dream that you receive jewelry as a gift, indicates that you need to acknowledge and incorporate those corresponding qualities within your own self. Consider the type of jewelry and what it is made of."
• "To see a pendant in your dream, represents your relationships and the desire for unconditional love. You are feeling connected so someone. The dream may also indicates that you are feeling emotionally touched by some situation or by someone."
• "To see or wear a necklace in your dream, represents unsatisfied desires. It also highlights your intellect and your desire to have more influence and power over others."
Pink:
• "Having a pink or red necklace made of corals, ruby or rose quartz means a very happy love relationship or you will fall in love."
• "Pink represents love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection, kindness. Being in love or healing through love is also implied with this color."
Those were just some of the results I received from dream dictionaries. I have my own conclusions, which may or may not involve some of those meanings.

Speechless

Another friend is engaged (Gannon). I'm in shock again.

I was attempting to deal with the fact that Luke is coming home and I have to deal with all of that now,
I'm incredibly happy for her
but this...

it's too much. Overload.

My female brain that says 'uh oh. you're getting behind. you're failing as a woman' is repeating over and over and over.
To which my smart brain says, 'you shut your mouth. you're a great person and you're going to places. you aren't a house wife. you're not going to buy into this shit now are you?'
Then the female/sexist part of my brain responds: 'maybe you don't need it, but you want it. you want the whole damn thing. you want the career and the family. stop lying to yourself. after all what were you talking to Kelsey about today?'

Speaking of which, I had a very long and great conversation with Kelsey today. I explained my whole history with Luke (that took about an hour) and then caught her up on the current feelings/happenings (which took about another half hour). I was surprised to find she had some of the same ideas as me.

Ex. Beach wedding sans shoes, cute little babies, long long long long engagements can be good, some tattoos look good if they're placed right (most aren't though), perhaps not getting legally married because it's an institution designed to continue a patriarchal pattern and where the children are really here to continue the capitalist society and last but not least, boys night out is incredibly sexy.

Sorry that was just a little panic...Basically:

• I'm incredibly happy that another friend has found someone they care that deeply about
• I'm not sure how to feel about Luke coming back. It could mean good things or it could mean the end, but I don't want it to be the end
• I had a lovely day with Kelsey, which has been much needed for years
• I spent a fun evening with Kate, the Peruvian twins, and gave Joshua his bday present (which he almost opened until I reminded him that it's not his bday yet. Good job Joshua).
• If it doesn't work out with Luke, then I will be upset for a very long time and I will only date latinos if I date anyone at all.
• I can now go to bed with a clear head. Everything will be fine.

To be clear: I don't want all of this now...
Right now I want to have a good weekend.

Gambling

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I've been doing that; not with money, but with my heart and soul. It's been an exhilarating and painful journey. I put it all on one man hoping that eventually my feelings would be returned.

There's a possibility that they won't be, but that doesn't stop me from hoping still. Almost 6 years later, I'm still hoping.

I was thrilled that I finally put everything out on the table. A couple of times this week I found myself considering going over to his house if his mom was there and taking it back in case he hadn't opened it yet. I wondered things like: Is he really ready to know these things? Has he really grown up enough to respect my feelings and deal with them properly? Have I wasted a year on him? Have I wasted 5.5 years on him? Those thoughts only lasted a minute.

I'm still relieved though. Now that the vacation time (for both of us away from each other) is over, I'm starting to get nervous.

I have no idea what to expect. I have what's in my head (which cannot happen) and 3 possibilities of what could happen. I do have faith that he can handle the situation without freaking out and running around.

____

In the event that things do not go well, I have made some decision, which include only dating brown men or men who hang out with a lot of brown men.

I've also learned that I'm stronger than I ever knew.

And that I have a clearer picture of what I want for my future, but it's just a rough sketch.

____

Speaking of the future, last night Kate, Maddie and I hung out in Tommy's park talking about men, which led to a conversation about weddings (specifically Kate's). It was a pretty serious conversation until we started talking about rainbows, ice rinks and ass-less chaps for the groomsmen.

We even went to look at the display window of Eco Elegance. Kate fell in love with the dress. I fell in love with the dress that was displayed over the winter. It's kind of like you just know. That's the dress. Only it's not because I'm not getting married anytime soon and the dress has probably been sold.

We discussed weddings planners. Yes or no? She said no. I said yes, then changed to maybe. I'm not sure I want to have to deal with everything myself, but on the other hand I love planning and organizing things.

I could never really think about the details so far in advance though. It's a 2 person decision (or many decisions). All I know is that I'd like mine to be on a beach and for everyone to be shoeless.

But as you can see, I'm not anywhere near that point. For now I will store that information in a beautifully decorated jewelry box in my mind where I keep all of my secret wishes. It's a lot lighter now that everything is on the table with Luke.

Busy Busy Dizzy

It occured to me recently that I've been going nonstop all summer. I'm always somewhere doing something and I'm almost always exhausted. Maybe I should stop?

Iszy came to the same conclusion, but we both thought that we'd rather being doing stuff with friends than not doing anything. There's always something going on and I feel compelled to spend as much time with the people who are furthest away as I can. This week it has been all about Imani. I see her maybe once or twice a year and I miss her like crazy. She gets everything about me. She also keeps me in line in the same kind of way that Luke does and no one else dares to. For example, today we took her little sisters to OOB. It was good to spend so much time with her and with the kids. If anything it makes me want children all the more.

And next week is all about Carol. She will be back for the week before she goes back to school in VA and she won't be back until winter break after that.

Soo many plans. I can't keep them all in my head. Today I couldn't even remember what month it was. It seems like all of my friends are Cancer's too and I've been scrambling trying to remember when who's birthday is and trying to figure out what to get and if I even have money for that.

Tomorrow is another major hang out day. Oh...I just remembered that Kelsey suggested bubble tea 2 days ago for tomorrow. Wow I should respond to her text. So I guess there's Kelsey and Imani tomorrow. We're supposed to be getting our tattoos, but since I changed what I wanted, I'm not sure if I'm going to get mine tomorrow. I might just go with her and contemplate what I want some more.

At this point it's kind of like first come, first serve. I want to see everyone and I'm trying, so make sure you take a time slot. Jeez. I'm just like Luke. That's a scary thought.

Speaking of which, I've been wondering if I'm not a lot like Luke as it is...I was talking to Imani in the car and somehow we got onto the subject of Luke being very controlled. I hadn't thought of that before, but he is so self controlled. That's not a compliment by the way. It's like he controls everything when he's sober. I suppose alcohol is an excuse to break free from that for some people. Then I realized that I'm like that too. I've been trying to be less so recently, but I think I definitely get that from my mom and my past.

It's kind of like, everything must be under control! Must be on time! Everything and everyone must be in their place! I will control every aspect of myself.

I let go of that recently. I was like fuck it. I'm laying it all on the table with Luke. Fuck it plans will happen has they happen, which they have. I am a human being trying to live day by day and ride along on my happiness and love.

So tonight is the first night I don't have plans. Originally Iszy, Maddie, Imani and I were possibly going to go to the hookah bar, but Iszy disappeared and all such plans went out the window. I slept through half of SYTYCD. I'm going to sleep early.

I have no idea what's in store for this weekend, but I can tell you that I cannot go anywhere near alcohol. The thought is still affecting my brain and stomach. Also after recently found out that I went into Kat's hot tub and I have NO recollection of it, I've been quite upset with myself. It's not okay to black out and go near water of any sort and then come to just in time to vomit in the bushes and then black out again and wake up in a completely different set of clothing. Thank god I have good friends.

This is just the rant of a grumpy Rosalba who has not gotten enough sleep in the past 2 months. OOB was definitely a highlight though. I really do want children at some point in life. There's something so joyful and innocent about them.

And anyone up for going to OOB, I'm so there.
Today was kind of an eye opening experience. I was there and I had fun, but it was different. I'm not a child anymore. It's not my parents taking me on the rides anymore. It was me taking other children on the rides. Imani and I went on some of the more intense ones, but we also sat out on a few and watched and waved as her sisters went on some of the kiddie rides. It wasn't boring, it was just different. Yet another moment that reminds me that I'm not a kid anymore.

I have responsibilities. I have to think...about getting a job, about making my resume look better than everyone else's in my field, about finding an apartment that's suitable for Luca and finding a roommate who likes/owns a large dog. Then combining it with my desires...like hoping it's a man I can fall/am in love with and could maybe have a future with and figuring out how grad school fits into all of this.'

It's a lot and I know I'm not the only one. So for now, I'm going to rest and take it day by day.

Closing thoughts:

• I really want to see my cousins in Canada. I feel like it's Jon and my duty to keep that connections, since our parents haven't really. My mom suggested combining it with my trip to Buffalo, but I don't think I'll have enough time to do all of that once school starts. So maybe a trip in August the same week Kat goes to Hawaii or something.
• I miss Luke the most at night when everything gets quiet (3 days!).
• Feeling a trip to Sebago with Hallie would be fun.
• Also a trip to Montreal with Kate and who ever else wants to go should happen
• I need to get my nerve up to go into David's Bridal and give them my resume rather than letting my feelings in inadequacy stop me from a potential good experience.
• Need many more brown friends.
  
• Did I mention I'm in love and I don't care who knows it?
  

Away To Me

I'm not really sure where to start this post...
A lot has happened since yesterday...
like

I'm going to stick with wine and beer in small amounts from now on
Never mix beer, wine, tequila, and vodka in 1 night
Never being able to smell, taste, look at or read the word Tequila EVER again
Nana's trip to the ER
Luke's unexpected reply
Best friends since potty training
Responsibility

For one, I wish I had listened to my body. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. Ever since my bad experience with the T word (that I can't think about or read without getting nauseous), I haven't been able to handle it. Ever since Emma's party, I've been shying away from hard alcohol. It just hasn't been very appealing. Unfortunately that's mostly what Kat had at her house.

I had 2 beers over the course of 5 hours. After all it was a back yard grill 4th of july party. That part was normal enough. Then I shared a bottle of wine with Iszy. I should have stopped after that. I didn't.

My mistake was hearing the song Patron T word and thinking "oh! I have to have a shot because this song is on. You can't listen to Patron T word and not have a shot of T word." Long story short I literally couldn't swallow it and spat half of it out. Then I washed it down with a screwdriver (orange juice and vodka)
SUCH A BAD IDEA

Never again. The last couple of things I remember are throwing up in the bushes outside and crying on Kat's shoulder because I was worried about nana and I missed Luke.

Today has consisted of: vomiting until about 2 PM and cleaning up dog poop/digested mouse. Then recuperation.

It's safe to say I finally learned my lesson. Never again.
_________

Luke...Well I was freaked out about nana being in the hospital and I was on Munjoy hill so there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Most people weren't very helpful, but Beans hugged me while I cried, which was helpful. I either got awkward pats on the back or questions like "Is she okay?" To which I responded (in my head), "Clearly she's okay. That's why she's in the ER and I'm standing here trying not to cry. Are you seriously asking me that? Are you stupid?"

Finally I sent Luke a text. I said "I'm not sure if you can get this or not, but I'm freaking out because my grandmother is in the hospital and I don't know what to do. You're the only one who knows how to deal."
Soon after I got the response: "Just relax and breathe they're good at their jobs."
Then everything got better (until the T word). It was like he was physically there telling me it would be okay. I really can't explain it very well. I was just suddenly calm.

I know he's not there for me a lot, but when it's really important, he's there. It may not seem like much to you, but it's everything to me. When things get really bad, he knows how to react. I think most people just stumble awkwardly around me when it's bad, because I pull away and they don't know how to react. Not everyone of course, but many people.

On New Years I locked myself in the bathroom crying - He found me and held me while I cried

When I found out about something involving my sister - He was there.

And last night? He calmed me down in 1 text. He's not even in the same country or continent! That's insane!

The only down side is that it made me miss him. After the chuckage started all I could think was "5 days." I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to think about him. I wanted a week without Luke...a vacation.
But now I do miss him...or I'm admitting to myself that I missed him all along. I don't want another week without him because I've spent a month and a half without him. I just want to be in my happy place, because that would make up for everything that has happened since last night.

It's not that I don't want any time away. I like having my own life. Everyone knows that. It's just that it's been way too long already.

I guess now that I've put my heart on the line, the question is: Will it fall or stay suspended for a little longer?

Happy Birthday To...

Oh wait Luke is in Europe.
I had a thought this evening as Emma was driving Iszy and me to my house.

It was officially Luke's birthday at midnight. I thought "this might just be the second most significant day to me." Number 1 being my own birthday of course.

He's no longer a teenager. He's 20. I think about that and then I think "wow...either I'm old or he's young." I almost never forget an age difference, but with him I usually do. He's had to grow up way too fast and so, I always forget he's younger. At this age especially even 6 months can make a difference.

Today is his day and after the fact I will try very hard not to think about him until he returns home. I need a break from this too.

It's funny, but a year ago he came to Imani's party because I asked him to and said it would mean a lot to me. I later spent the night with him. I was in my happy place. My happy place is cuddled up next to him with my head on his chest. I cannot think of a place I would rather be. It may be forward, but after the letter, I see no reason to hide it.

So happy birthday Lucas. I may not get to be in my happy place this year, but I hope you're enjoying Ireland and drinking it up.

Lay It All On The Table

It's been a rough month no doubt.
Right now I'm basking in the glow that is the result of my clarity of thought and bravery.

Last night around 1:30 AM (aka this morning), I wrote a letter to Luke in case I didn't get to have breakfast with him today. I know enough by now to realize the likelihood of having breakfast with him is slim to none. It's okay. It is the day he's leaving after all.

In an attempt to be creative while mentally and physically exhausted, I wrote it on a page I tore from my daily calendar. I used the days June 3rd and 4th. Why? The 3rd is his birthday and the 4th...well I had hoped he would come to my party before I remembered he was going to Spain.

It was hard to fit everything on there and I missed a couple of things, but I think it was pretty well written. I woke up at 7 with intense butterflies in my stomach. Then I went back to sleep until 8. Between 7 AM and 8 AM I had a 2 dreams about him opening his presents. He almost didn't make it and now that I think about it, in one of the dreams it was my birthday. But he did...

My nervous feeling only grew until I finally drove to his house at 10:30 AM. I hung his presents and letter on his door...At that moment the nervous feeling stopped. I calmly walked away. Now I'm at the coffee shopping feeling accomplished.

It's out of my hands now. The feeling is good for now.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my friends. Imani is coming back Sunday. I missed her like crazy. Hallie and I are back on good terms.

Everything seems to be looking up.
I'll just have to wait and see how Luke reacts. I'm banking on the fact that he's a mature man and can handle what I said.
______

What's at stake? My heart. My love. The future.

I had a long talk with Kate yesterday about Luke, men, fate etc.
She said some things that just clicked in my head. I can't repeat word for word, but it was effective.
My struggle has been with the word fate, my need to be an independent woman, and the possibilities of the future vs. closure right now.

I've been very sensitive to the word and idea of fate for a very long time. Yes, I love the movie Serendipity, but it's just a movie. Yesterday I was trying to figure out why it scared me so much. I came to the conclusion that the thought of not being able to control my life and the whole pre-destined thing would make living and making decisions meaningless. My mom didn't raise me to let life lead me. I make my own destiny.

So what if that's not what fate is? What if fate is just a general feeling of bliss. What makes you happy? For me it's the thought of having a job that helps people and a family I love more than anything (it all started with my parents after all). Someday I hope that all happens. I believe it will.

What if there are plenty of men I could be very happy with, but there is only one man or only a couple of men who are...who Are.

People say I'm young. Yes, but I've lived 1/5 of my life. I've seen and been through more than someone my age should. I was raised by parents who have about 7 years on other people's parents around my age. I've been raised around adults. Even my older friends call me an equal. I know enough to know I don't have to explain this to you.

It doesn't matter what you think of my philosophies. It only matters what I believe. I believe I haven't met anyone like this one man I love more than anything and anyone. He's the only man I've ever been able to look past the flaws of and accept them. I'm not the most patient person with men and so often I don't have enough interest to stay with one for long.

But it's different with him. It's been 5 years and 9 months. It's only growing.
The scariest part is not knowing if it will last or where it will go. I've put my heart on the chopping table. He'll either destroy it or accept it eventually.
Yes, I keep coming back to him, but he keeps coming back to me too.
You have to wonder, am I right?

Coming Soon...

I have a lot to say about fate, love, friends, Luke, letters and laying it all on the line.
I'm scared, but I will be brave and put myself on the line.

I will always be willing to put myself on the line for Luke.

That's all I'll say for now. Good night.