Good and Bad

I've been a bit down today. I don't need to explain why anymore. It's been the same reason for the past year.

Today I went to dinner with Carol. I compared the way two different men treated me. One is a friend who happens to be off limits, but likes me regardless and the other is Complicated. The complicated one neglects and never apologizes for blowing me off or disappear. The other friend apologizes for disappearing 1 time for 1 hour and wants to hang out with me more often.

Post letter dropping off I've received several texts saying "sorry" this came up or this happened from the Complicated one. The first time I thought it was odd, but appreciated it nonetheless. After it happened again, it completely freaked me out. Then I suggested hanging out tomorrow evening, but he said he can't and asked any other day. It's the any other day part that got me. Both of those together should be a good thing, but I'm so used to being neglected and never apologized to that acknowledgement and apologies seem like bad things. It's so messed up. It's backwards. Is it me who is messed up and backwards? Have I let this happen?

Did I mention the part where the friend who isn't Complicated offered to make a schedule based on when I'm available? My response: "wait...are you kidding? there are men who would do that? this can't be real.

What is real and what isn't? The lines have become blurred. I've accepted the fact that I'm too far in with the Complicated one to think straight by myself. I need to be in a room with him and talk about it in order to ground myself again.

Also on the ride home from the movie I was thinking about things I used to believe. I believed that I make myself happy. That it's in the mind and I can be happy if I want to be. Part of me still believes it, but sometimes it's so hard. It takes so much effort and I've already expended too much energy on making something work with this complicated person. I am not the kind of person who ever believed that happiness is reliant on another person, but isn't that what I've become to a certain degree? It's disgusting.

I've seen both sides now. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.

If there's one thing I am sure of it's that I can't live like this for another year. I can't...No I won't be stuck in a place where I'm waiting to find out whether he even cares about me. If he says he does, then I have nothing to be anxious of and I can wait for him to get his feet back under him. He he says he doesn't then at least it will be a clean break.

For now I'm in a neutral state. Meanwhile my body feels like a 200 pound man fell on me...oh wait. That did happen. I love shows!