Iszy came to the same conclusion, but we both thought that we'd rather being doing stuff with friends than not doing anything. There's always something going on and I feel compelled to spend as much time with the people who are furthest away as I can. This week it has been all about Imani. I see her maybe once or twice a year and I miss her like crazy. She gets everything about me. She also keeps me in line in the same kind of way that Luke does and no one else dares to. For example, today we took her little sisters to OOB. It was good to spend so much time with her and with the kids. If anything it makes me want children all the more.
And next week is all about Carol. She will be back for the week before she goes back to school in VA and she won't be back until winter break after that.
Soo many plans. I can't keep them all in my head. Today I couldn't even remember what month it was. It seems like all of my friends are Cancer's too and I've been scrambling trying to remember when who's birthday is and trying to figure out what to get and if I even have money for that.
Tomorrow is another major hang out day. Oh...I just remembered that Kelsey suggested bubble tea 2 days ago for tomorrow. Wow I should respond to her text. So I guess there's Kelsey and Imani tomorrow. We're supposed to be getting our tattoos, but since I changed what I wanted, I'm not sure if I'm going to get mine tomorrow. I might just go with her and contemplate what I want some more.
At this point it's kind of like first come, first serve. I want to see everyone and I'm trying, so make sure you take a time slot. Jeez. I'm just like Luke. That's a scary thought.
Speaking of which, I've been wondering if I'm not a lot like Luke as it is...I was talking to Imani in the car and somehow we got onto the subject of Luke being very controlled. I hadn't thought of that before, but he is so self controlled. That's not a compliment by the way. It's like he controls everything when he's sober. I suppose alcohol is an excuse to break free from that for some people. Then I realized that I'm like that too. I've been trying to be less so recently, but I think I definitely get that from my mom and my past.
It's kind of like, everything must be under control! Must be on time! Everything and everyone must be in their place! I will control every aspect of myself.
I let go of that recently. I was like fuck it. I'm laying it all on the table with Luke. Fuck it plans will happen has they happen, which they have. I am a human being trying to live day by day and ride along on my happiness and love.
So tonight is the first night I don't have plans. Originally Iszy, Maddie, Imani and I were possibly going to go to the hookah bar, but Iszy disappeared and all such plans went out the window. I slept through half of SYTYCD. I'm going to sleep early.
I have no idea what's in store for this weekend, but I can tell you that I cannot go anywhere near alcohol. The thought is still affecting my brain and stomach. Also after recently found out that I went into Kat's hot tub and I have NO recollection of it, I've been quite upset with myself. It's not okay to black out and go near water of any sort and then come to just in time to vomit in the bushes and then black out again and wake up in a completely different set of clothing. Thank god I have good friends.
This is just the rant of a grumpy Rosalba who has not gotten enough sleep in the past 2 months. OOB was definitely a highlight though. I really do want children at some point in life. There's something so joyful and innocent about them.
And anyone up for going to OOB, I'm so there.
Today was kind of an eye opening experience. I was there and I had fun, but it was different. I'm not a child anymore. It's not my parents taking me on the rides anymore. It was me taking other children on the rides. Imani and I went on some of the more intense ones, but we also sat out on a few and watched and waved as her sisters went on some of the kiddie rides. It wasn't boring, it was just different. Yet another moment that reminds me that I'm not a kid anymore.
I have responsibilities. I have to think...about getting a job, about making my resume look better than everyone else's in my field, about finding an apartment that's suitable for Luca and finding a roommate who likes/owns a large dog. Then combining it with my desires...like hoping it's a man I can fall/am in love with and could maybe have a future with and figuring out how grad school fits into all of this.'
It's a lot and I know I'm not the only one. So for now, I'm going to rest and take it day by day.
Closing thoughts:
- I really want to see my cousins in Canada. I feel like it's Jon and my duty to keep that connections, since our parents haven't really. My mom suggested combining it with my trip to Buffalo, but I don't think I'll have enough time to do all of that once school starts. So maybe a trip in August the same week Kat goes to Hawaii or something.
- I miss Luke the most at night when everything gets quiet (3 days!).
- Feeling a trip to Sebago with Hallie would be fun.
- Also a trip to Montreal with Kate and who ever else wants to go should happen
- I need to get my nerve up to go into David's Bridal and give them my resume rather than letting my feelings in inadequacy stop me from a potential good experience.
- Need many more brown friends.
- Did I mention I'm in love and I don't care who knows it?
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