Lay It All On The Table

It's been a rough month no doubt.
Right now I'm basking in the glow that is the result of my clarity of thought and bravery.

Last night around 1:30 AM (aka this morning), I wrote a letter to Luke in case I didn't get to have breakfast with him today. I know enough by now to realize the likelihood of having breakfast with him is slim to none. It's okay. It is the day he's leaving after all.

In an attempt to be creative while mentally and physically exhausted, I wrote it on a page I tore from my daily calendar. I used the days June 3rd and 4th. Why? The 3rd is his birthday and the 4th...well I had hoped he would come to my party before I remembered he was going to Spain.

It was hard to fit everything on there and I missed a couple of things, but I think it was pretty well written. I woke up at 7 with intense butterflies in my stomach. Then I went back to sleep until 8. Between 7 AM and 8 AM I had a 2 dreams about him opening his presents. He almost didn't make it and now that I think about it, in one of the dreams it was my birthday. But he did...

My nervous feeling only grew until I finally drove to his house at 10:30 AM. I hung his presents and letter on his door...At that moment the nervous feeling stopped. I calmly walked away. Now I'm at the coffee shopping feeling accomplished.

It's out of my hands now. The feeling is good for now.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my friends. Imani is coming back Sunday. I missed her like crazy. Hallie and I are back on good terms.

Everything seems to be looking up.
I'll just have to wait and see how Luke reacts. I'm banking on the fact that he's a mature man and can handle what I said.
______

What's at stake? My heart. My love. The future.

I had a long talk with Kate yesterday about Luke, men, fate etc.
She said some things that just clicked in my head. I can't repeat word for word, but it was effective.
My struggle has been with the word fate, my need to be an independent woman, and the possibilities of the future vs. closure right now.

I've been very sensitive to the word and idea of fate for a very long time. Yes, I love the movie Serendipity, but it's just a movie. Yesterday I was trying to figure out why it scared me so much. I came to the conclusion that the thought of not being able to control my life and the whole pre-destined thing would make living and making decisions meaningless. My mom didn't raise me to let life lead me. I make my own destiny.

So what if that's not what fate is? What if fate is just a general feeling of bliss. What makes you happy? For me it's the thought of having a job that helps people and a family I love more than anything (it all started with my parents after all). Someday I hope that all happens. I believe it will.

What if there are plenty of men I could be very happy with, but there is only one man or only a couple of men who are...who Are.

People say I'm young. Yes, but I've lived 1/5 of my life. I've seen and been through more than someone my age should. I was raised by parents who have about 7 years on other people's parents around my age. I've been raised around adults. Even my older friends call me an equal. I know enough to know I don't have to explain this to you.

It doesn't matter what you think of my philosophies. It only matters what I believe. I believe I haven't met anyone like this one man I love more than anything and anyone. He's the only man I've ever been able to look past the flaws of and accept them. I'm not the most patient person with men and so often I don't have enough interest to stay with one for long.

But it's different with him. It's been 5 years and 9 months. It's only growing.
The scariest part is not knowing if it will last or where it will go. I've put my heart on the chopping table. He'll either destroy it or accept it eventually.
Yes, I keep coming back to him, but he keeps coming back to me too.
You have to wonder, am I right?