The End or The Beginning?

So today could be my last day like this.
Like what?

Happily in love with Luke.

No I'm not saying I'm happy all the time (far from it), but the love is...It's best feeling in the world.

It might end because, well Luke and I have tentative plans tomorrow. I say tentative, because he tends to blow me off. I say it might end, because if I see him we have to confront this finally. He knows everything. We can't tiptoe around "oh by the way I've been in love with you for awhile and I still am even though you have some major issues." The only reason it would end is because of him....if he doesn't really care about me, if he's leaving and doesn't want to try to make it work...basically anything that has to do with him thinking he could never feel the same about me.

Worst case: We would end permanently. I told myself this was the last time I would try something with him and if it didn't work out then I would never repeat again. I can't honestly say I wouldn't try it again the opportunity came up. So theoretically we would end, but I would still love him forever probably. It would never have the same happy aspect, because there would never be a change.

That's all just in case though...

Of course I'm hoping for something more positive. I'm an optimist after all. I did try preparing myself for the worst case scenario, but I don't think that's possible.

His different behavior (via text) has been confusing. He's apologized a few times since the day he left for Spain. I don't remember that ever happening before...ever. When I asked if he'd be around this week, he gave me options. No "maybe" or "I dunno." Again, really weird for him (in regard to me anyway). Both have me wondering if they're in response to the letter?

I got over thinking about that though.

The one thing he sent me that I haven't been able to get past is about the days he has off. He said he had 'these days' off. Why tell me his schedule if he was planning to only see me once more to end things?

I'm trying really hard not to think about that either. I thought maybe if I wrote it down, it would leave my mind. Female brains are difficult and over analytical and usually I'm good at controlling it, but apparently not right now.

Then there is the dream I had this morning before I woke up. I went to a movie with friends and invited him. He said he'd come. He didn't. He arrived as we were leaving. I was pissed. He left with me trying to explain something about how he said he would try to be there not that he would be there etc etc. You know, typical Luke. Somehow we ended up hanging out in a bunk bed (the higher one). I said something because I was still irritated about the movie. He interrupted me and mumbled I love you kiddo. I didn't think I heard him correctly, so I asked him to repeat, but he wouldn't. I was really happy though. A second later I woke up. I guess my logical brain realized that wasn't reality. It was a terrible feeling when I realized that it was just a dream.

So I'm currently pissed off at my subconscious.

I won't regret anything if it ends tomorrow. He's worth every tear and all the heart ache in the world. I don't care what anyone else thinks about him or my decisions on the matter. If it doesn't work out, don't expect me to be very cheerful. I'm still hoping though. I have to.