Ender

I've been trying to decide what to do with Luke. I won't wait another month to go barging into his house again. I wanted to give him a week to get back to me and discuss the letter/hang out/do anything. It's kind of hard to do that if you don't actually tell the person you're giving them a week. I guess I was still hopeful that he would do it on his own. I should have known after a year of not doing anything that he still wouldn't do anything.

I'm not sure I can wait another whole week. I'm not sure I should. If he comes back and makes plans with his boys a few days in, and he says nothing to me, then I must either be at the end of his list or not on it. I understand having your boys is important (I have my own group after all), but you need more and if the more isn't me, I deserved to know a long time ago.

So expiration date, Wednesday?

I am not the kind of girl who sits home waiting for a man. I'm not the kind of girl who allows herself to be last on the list. I'm always first on the list and if I'm not, you can be sure you're not going to be at the top of mine.

I realized last night around 1:30 AM that I lost my fire. Somewhere I lost my fire. Well it's coming back. It started to rekindle the day I walked into his room and asked what was going to happen this summer. It's still small, but it's been growing faster since I delivered the letter.

I'm indignant at this point. I am not a kept pet.

I gave him my heart in a way that I have never given it to any other man. He should be ecstatic.

What do I want? I want a fucking answer. I want to hear yes I like you or no, I don't like you enough to continue. Time/Places/Money etc. don't matter. The feeling matters.

If he does like me, then I'm worth a little more effort. Clearly he has the capacity to make plans with his bros, so that should apply to me. If not, I'm walking. Forever this time. There won't be a fourth opportunity. If he doesn't like me enough to try and he's known this for awhile, he's an ass and karma will fuck him over.

I'm not mad at his legitimate reasons for being busy. I am upset over his illegitimate reasons. I can see them finally. They exist.

I love the man, but I have to do what it takes to make me happy...with or without him.