Away To Me

I'm not really sure where to start this post...
A lot has happened since yesterday...
like

I'm going to stick with wine and beer in small amounts from now on
Never mix beer, wine, tequila, and vodka in 1 night
Never being able to smell, taste, look at or read the word Tequila EVER again
Nana's trip to the ER
Luke's unexpected reply
Best friends since potty training
Responsibility

For one, I wish I had listened to my body. I'm not quite sure why I didn't. Ever since my bad experience with the T word (that I can't think about or read without getting nauseous), I haven't been able to handle it. Ever since Emma's party, I've been shying away from hard alcohol. It just hasn't been very appealing. Unfortunately that's mostly what Kat had at her house.

I had 2 beers over the course of 5 hours. After all it was a back yard grill 4th of july party. That part was normal enough. Then I shared a bottle of wine with Iszy. I should have stopped after that. I didn't.

My mistake was hearing the song Patron T word and thinking "oh! I have to have a shot because this song is on. You can't listen to Patron T word and not have a shot of T word." Long story short I literally couldn't swallow it and spat half of it out. Then I washed it down with a screwdriver (orange juice and vodka)
SUCH A BAD IDEA

Never again. The last couple of things I remember are throwing up in the bushes outside and crying on Kat's shoulder because I was worried about nana and I missed Luke.

Today has consisted of: vomiting until about 2 PM and cleaning up dog poop/digested mouse. Then recuperation.

It's safe to say I finally learned my lesson. Never again.
_________

Luke...Well I was freaked out about nana being in the hospital and I was on Munjoy hill so there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Most people weren't very helpful, but Beans hugged me while I cried, which was helpful. I either got awkward pats on the back or questions like "Is she okay?" To which I responded (in my head), "Clearly she's okay. That's why she's in the ER and I'm standing here trying not to cry. Are you seriously asking me that? Are you stupid?"

Finally I sent Luke a text. I said "I'm not sure if you can get this or not, but I'm freaking out because my grandmother is in the hospital and I don't know what to do. You're the only one who knows how to deal."
Soon after I got the response: "Just relax and breathe they're good at their jobs."
Then everything got better (until the T word). It was like he was physically there telling me it would be okay. I really can't explain it very well. I was just suddenly calm.

I know he's not there for me a lot, but when it's really important, he's there. It may not seem like much to you, but it's everything to me. When things get really bad, he knows how to react. I think most people just stumble awkwardly around me when it's bad, because I pull away and they don't know how to react. Not everyone of course, but many people.

On New Years I locked myself in the bathroom crying - He found me and held me while I cried

When I found out about something involving my sister - He was there.

And last night? He calmed me down in 1 text. He's not even in the same country or continent! That's insane!

The only down side is that it made me miss him. After the chuckage started all I could think was "5 days." I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to think about him. I wanted a week without Luke...a vacation.
But now I do miss him...or I'm admitting to myself that I missed him all along. I don't want another week without him because I've spent a month and a half without him. I just want to be in my happy place, because that would make up for everything that has happened since last night.

It's not that I don't want any time away. I like having my own life. Everyone knows that. It's just that it's been way too long already.

I guess now that I've put my heart on the line, the question is: Will it fall or stay suspended for a little longer?