Gambling

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that I've been doing that; not with money, but with my heart and soul. It's been an exhilarating and painful journey. I put it all on one man hoping that eventually my feelings would be returned.

There's a possibility that they won't be, but that doesn't stop me from hoping still. Almost 6 years later, I'm still hoping.

I was thrilled that I finally put everything out on the table. A couple of times this week I found myself considering going over to his house if his mom was there and taking it back in case he hadn't opened it yet. I wondered things like: Is he really ready to know these things? Has he really grown up enough to respect my feelings and deal with them properly? Have I wasted a year on him? Have I wasted 5.5 years on him? Those thoughts only lasted a minute.

I'm still relieved though. Now that the vacation time (for both of us away from each other) is over, I'm starting to get nervous.

I have no idea what to expect. I have what's in my head (which cannot happen) and 3 possibilities of what could happen. I do have faith that he can handle the situation without freaking out and running around.

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In the event that things do not go well, I have made some decision, which include only dating brown men or men who hang out with a lot of brown men.

I've also learned that I'm stronger than I ever knew.

And that I have a clearer picture of what I want for my future, but it's just a rough sketch.

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Speaking of the future, last night Kate, Maddie and I hung out in Tommy's park talking about men, which led to a conversation about weddings (specifically Kate's). It was a pretty serious conversation until we started talking about rainbows, ice rinks and ass-less chaps for the groomsmen.

We even went to look at the display window of Eco Elegance. Kate fell in love with the dress. I fell in love with the dress that was displayed over the winter. It's kind of like you just know. That's the dress. Only it's not because I'm not getting married anytime soon and the dress has probably been sold.

We discussed weddings planners. Yes or no? She said no. I said yes, then changed to maybe. I'm not sure I want to have to deal with everything myself, but on the other hand I love planning and organizing things.

I could never really think about the details so far in advance though. It's a 2 person decision (or many decisions). All I know is that I'd like mine to be on a beach and for everyone to be shoeless.

But as you can see, I'm not anywhere near that point. For now I will store that information in a beautifully decorated jewelry box in my mind where I keep all of my secret wishes. It's a lot lighter now that everything is on the table with Luke.