Speechless

Another friend is engaged (Gannon). I'm in shock again.

I was attempting to deal with the fact that Luke is coming home and I have to deal with all of that now,
I'm incredibly happy for her
but this...

it's too much. Overload.

My female brain that says 'uh oh. you're getting behind. you're failing as a woman' is repeating over and over and over.
To which my smart brain says, 'you shut your mouth. you're a great person and you're going to places. you aren't a house wife. you're not going to buy into this shit now are you?'
Then the female/sexist part of my brain responds: 'maybe you don't need it, but you want it. you want the whole damn thing. you want the career and the family. stop lying to yourself. after all what were you talking to Kelsey about today?'

Speaking of which, I had a very long and great conversation with Kelsey today. I explained my whole history with Luke (that took about an hour) and then caught her up on the current feelings/happenings (which took about another half hour). I was surprised to find she had some of the same ideas as me.

Ex. Beach wedding sans shoes, cute little babies, long long long long engagements can be good, some tattoos look good if they're placed right (most aren't though), perhaps not getting legally married because it's an institution designed to continue a patriarchal pattern and where the children are really here to continue the capitalist society and last but not least, boys night out is incredibly sexy.

Sorry that was just a little panic...Basically:

• I'm incredibly happy that another friend has found someone they care that deeply about
• I'm not sure how to feel about Luke coming back. It could mean good things or it could mean the end, but I don't want it to be the end
• I had a lovely day with Kelsey, which has been much needed for years
• I spent a fun evening with Kate, the Peruvian twins, and gave Joshua his bday present (which he almost opened until I reminded him that it's not his bday yet. Good job Joshua).
• If it doesn't work out with Luke, then I will be upset for a very long time and I will only date latinos if I date anyone at all.
• I can now go to bed with a clear head. Everything will be fine.

To be clear: I don't want all of this now...
Right now I want to have a good weekend.