Growing Up

Some of us grow up faster than others.
Some of us have to grow up faster than others.
Some of us grow up faster in some ways and not in others.
Some of us never grow up at all.

They all suck some point along the line.
I would hate to be the last one though.

And despite what anyone says, there is a huge difference between being 21 and 20.
I witnessed it tonight, and it made me sad.
Of course age isn't the only contribution.

Tonight I stood in a room with friends and I was the only sober one with responsibilities and worries on my mind i.e. work, family, dog, finances.
Only my best friend seemed to notice and she waited with me until my ride came to pick me up.

Conclusion?
Growing up sucks, but it's better than not growing up at all.
Also best friends make everything a little bit better.

Eternity

Life is weird.
It occurred to me today that everything that is physical ends, but some things are more profound than physicality. Some things like souls, love etc. I don't think love ends with death. I think it endures.

It's unfortunate that nana will soon be gone, but as someone important to me pointed out, she's going to a better place, and more importantly she'll be with her husband one again. One thing I've wondered is how you manage to live so many years without the one you love.
She told me it was very hard at first, but then she realized that "the lord would take me when he's good and ready and so I will live as best I can until that moment." She certainly has.

Today I cried quite a bit, not because I was sad, but because I was happy. It's more than happiness though...it's something that can't be described. It's because one man has changed my life. I don't even think he knows how important he is to me although I try to tell him.

He's the only one to have ever broken through all of my defenses. The only one who I can cry in front of without feeling vulnerable, because I know he will protect me. The only one who has never yelled at me or gotten mad at me. The only one who has never intentionally hurt me. I'm sure there are other onlys, but I don't need to list them all.

I wish everyone knew something so great.
I hope it doesn't end.
This is the first year I have everything I really want for Christmas.
I'm happy.

Holiday Spirit

I haven't noticed many people in the holiday spirit this year.
I don't know if it's the lack of snow (mum assures me this weather is relatively normal for this time of year).
Some people are miserable, some are sad, some are trying to drink their problems around and a very few of us are really happy and content with our lives.
It seems like we've all be focusing on what we don't have lately. I think it's partially the result of our consumer society (we won't be happy until we have everything we want and there's always more to want) and partially our negative outlooks (the world is shitty).
I'm not prone to negativity, but I did have a small bout Wednesday night (also due to a bad case of PMS). Luckily, I woke up the next morning feeling fine. Thank goodness for my optimism!

I figure, I have good friends, a good man who really cares about me (and I don't have to prove that to anyone by making it official on facebook), the most amazing puppy, enough money for the moment, a comfortable home and good parents, a beautiful body and personality, and I'm well on my way to figuring out what I really want to do with my life....so why complain?

It's time to finish up exams, (I don't stress, because what's the point? Stressing only makes you more likely to do worse) bake holiday cookies and spend time with friends and family.

Judgement

I just wrote an entry based on my anger, so I had to delete it.
Here is the new one without anger, but perhaps with a bit of disappointment and sadness in the direction of some people and hope and appreciation in the direction of a very few others.

The past two months have changed me for the better. It's obvious, or I thought it was. Ultimately it doesn't matter if you think I have or not, but depending on who you are, I'm disappointed to see that you haven't been paying attention to it.

So judgment...
First I was judged by a certain photographer. He judged me too fast. This helped me to see more clearly where I am emotionally distant. It also helped me to see that I couldn't open up to him, because he was not the one I truly loved.

Then I decided to go back to the one I love, because he had shown me that he had changed. I knew everyone who had been involved as second, third and fourth parties would judge me and my decision.

I allowed one friend in particular to protest it for 15 minutes straight on the phone. I listened to my closest brother's doubt and I witnessed the extreme disbelief in my own parents faces. I received warnings from many others. I listened to it all and did so with patience.

I suppose I can't expect everyone to understand; Not everyone has been in my position; not everyone has been in love.

You don't have to be able to understand to accept it or to see the changes I've gone through.

I'm not a child anymore. I'm not a teenager. I'm an adult. I'm a woman.
There comes a time when parents are no longer the first in line and a partner is. This doesn't demean what they have done and how they've helped through the years or to say that they aren't still very important. Our "girls" and our "boys" remain constant, but there comes a time when they don't get to know everything and must accept our significant others (unless caught cheating or unless undecided of course) and other life decisions as they are.

I know that my heart and head are in balance. I've never felt more right. I expect everyone to accept that. The fact that I say he has proven himself to be the most trustworthy and loyal person I know should be enough for everyone else.

That shouldn't be a slap in the face to anyone. It's not to say I don't trust other people greatly. I do...and I'm grateful for the friendships.

The biggest differences are that he has never purposefully hurt me physically or verbally, that he has never taken his anger out on me (although I know there have been quite a few times when I pissed him off), and his restraint and calmness when I have said things to hurt him.

This has all been achieved over 6 year of on and off interaction. It's not impossible for others to achieve that level of trust and I hope everyone strives for that as I continue to strive to better my relationships with others as well.

Judge me if you will.

1.5

I just realized it has been a year and a half to the day (and a few hours) since I started talking to Luke again. Wow.

No, really. WOW.

Wow because in the past it was no more than a week at a time and then a few years in between. So wow.

Okay so there were a few occasions where he disappeared for months and I was miserable, but it wasn't the same as before.

As far as I'm concerned that's in the past. What counts is everything that has happened since he changed and I decided to give him another chance. Tonight on the drive to the cabin I came to the conclusion that I have finally been convinced that he has changed for the better. It's been, what, a month? He hasn't disappeared yet.

Originally (before I realized it had been 1.5 years) I was going to talk about my "itch."

I'm starting to have the itch again. Part of me is think "well it's been a year and a half, so..." and part of me is thinking "well yeah, but things have only been going really well for about a month...patience Rosalba!"

We'll see. Some things take time. Lots and lots of time. My expectations for this holiday season are as high as they were last year, but this year I think they're more reasonable and possible.

Take A Picture

It's the title of a song from the 90s, but not the point of this entry.

Tonight was another great ladies night with Mylene. Mostly she was dancing with a guy she met last week and I was dancing with a group of new friends. It's so fun. It's not that other people don't know how to dance. Some don't, but it's more like this group of people dance like...Step Up 3 for example. It's more than grinding and bumping up against a guy. That's what I've been missing.


Some of us were born to dance. We feel the beat and flow in our bones. Our muscles move on their own. It's like magic.

Dancing is my happy place.

Tonight I got one of the best compliments ever. One of the big club photographers in Portland said I took really great photos every time I go out. He said it in a way that implied he had looked specifically at my photos on facebook. How flattering. At the end of the night he told me where he would photographing this weekend and said I should be there. So I shall be.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna try and convince Hallie to go out, Friday is the art walk or work and then hopefully I'll go out again, and maybe Saturday too. I don't need money or men to dance. I just need my sexy body. Plus I like to keep myself busy whenever Luke goes out of town.

_________

I also saw Love and Other Drugs with Mylene tonight. It was really good. Parts were slow, but the end made me tear up. Jake Gyllenhaal said something at the end that was exactly how I feel. I don't remember the exact quote, but basically he said thousands of people come and go in your life without really touching you, but what really matters is that one person who changes your life forever.
I couldn't help but think of a certain man :)

Censor This

Tonight was the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. It was great. I love the fashion. I also love that the Angels are picked based on appeal to women rather than me. I now have a favorite Angel, Doutzen Kroes from the Netherlands.


I recognized which bra collection most of models were wearing. I kept naming them like "that's Very Sexy Pushup, Very Sexy Halter, 250 Very Sexy Swarovski bra" etc.

The most exciting moment was when one of the models came out in the astrological/night sky Very Sexy bra, because that's my favorite one. I was even happier when I realized my breasts look better in it than hers did. How often do a normal person's breasts look better than a Victoria's Secret model's? Not very often.

I wish we could all flaunt around in our underwear. I know I sure do sometimes, but usually only when I'm home alone or with my guy. Ever since getting my belly button pierced, I've wanted to wear less clothing in a 'hey-look-this-is-beautiful' way. Now that I've lost weight and continue to do so, I'm even more proud of my body.

Yesterday I discovered that I'm between a 3/4 and 5/6 in dresses. It depends on the brand of course, but I'm getting smaller. Yay! Yet somehow my breasts are growing? How does that make sense? I know one person who won't complain about that (hahaha!).

I'm not saying I want to be skinny. Never. I want my curves and I'm perfectly proportioned. Ultimately my goal is be healthy and smile every time I look in the mirror, which I usually do. Sometimes I have trouble looking away from the mirror. I don't think that's bad though.


On a semi related note, I bought my new year's dress today. I sent a picture to Katya, Kate, Mylene, Hallie, Luke, Carol, my sister and Sean. Hallie was the only one who couldn't see it due to technical difficulties. Everyone else loved it. I just need silver heels and a silver clutch to go with it. I found the perfect clutch today at the Coach store for $58, which is a crazy good price and I could use it for going out every week. So I will definitely save up for it..or I'll ask for it for the holidays.
I'm hesitant to describe the dress. I'm not sure showing Luke so far ahead of time was a good idea. I think it would have been better to surprise him, but at the same time I wanted to know he liked it. For the record, he does :)

Last but not least, I need to dance. Soon. I have dance fever.

This Time

My feelings are too complicated to word properly.
Honestly, I think some things should remain between the two people involved and that the world does not need to know such things; not family, not friends, no one but us two.

Love is scary sometimes, because it can be gone in one moment and you can be left with nothing but pain and scars. You might be the parents left in the world without your child or a child left by parents before being given the chance to show how lovable and amazing you are or half of a couple who was left because time and space were too much to handle.

I think true love lasts beyond physical death though. Life has consequences: to watch it fade and die. We experience our loved ones flourish and then are forced to watch as time passes and age or unforeseen events take them away from us. Our love for them doesn't die though.

How many years has my grandmother been without her husband, and yet she still loves him. Nothing has faded except his physical existence. The same goes for the love of our parents. The majority of my generation has yet to face that loss, but when we do, our love for them and their significance in our lives won't change.

True love doesn't fade. That doesn't mean relationships don't take work though or that I believe anything is "meant to be."

I've never been more sure of the fact that I'm in love. After so many years, so much time apart, so much pain, so much elation...I'm still here. I still believe in this man 100% and my feelings for him only seem to grow. For the first time ever, I've been able to tell someone I love him, mean it and not felt uncomfortable. I can look him in the eyes and know that he knows that I love him without feel exposed and afraid.

I could perhaps say more if it weren't 2:45 AM and I hadn't exhausted my emotions for the night.

I feel like the luckiest woman, but I know he's just as lucky to have my love and affection.

I'll leave you with a quote from "All In," a song from Lifehouse's latest album.

"There's no taking back
what we've got's too strong,
we've had each others back for too long
There's no breaking up this time
And you know it's okay, I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time."

Crazy Brain

That's what I had freshman year of high school.

What I thought happened:
Dated Depressed Artist from May of 8th grade until early September of Freshman year. Went on an outdoor camping trip with my class. Met Indie Boy. Tried not to flirt on the 3 day drip, seeing as I had a boyfriend. Couldn't resist cuddling on the last night (I pretended to be cold and Indie Boy gave me his jacket and held me). We sat together on the bus ride back and I slept on his lap. People talked, but I didn't care. I tried to rationalize it as non-flirting.
First day of high school Depressed Artist broke up with me because we didn't communicate enough. I was devastated. Second day of high school I saw him in the hall, turned and ran while crying. I had good friends who tried to cheer me up. I'll call them Quirky, Fierce and Musician.

Depressed Artist a month before I broke up with him

Indie boy walked me to class one day and said "I'm sorry but, he was stupid to leave you. I think you're a really great girl. If I were that lucky, I wouldn't let you go" (roughly what he said). I was taken by surprise, but it made me feel better. Later that day or the next he asked me to meet him after school in the student center. He asked me out. I was surprised. I told him I had to think about it for a couple of days.
He pressed me a day or 2 later. I said I needed a little more time. Later that night I called him. We'd been talking on the phone in the evenings. He made me feel better. Next day I said I would go out with him. It lasted a week. I tried to convince him to go to the dance with me. It took me awhile to do so, but finally he said he would.

Then Depressed Artist IMed me and the conversation boiled down to him wanting to be with me again. I told him how much I missed him and that I had to break up with Indie Boy first. Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. I told him that Depressed Artist wanted me back and that I really loved Depressed Artist, so it wouldn't be fair to Indie Boy if I stayed with him even though I thought he was great.Photo remnant of Indie Boy and Fierce at a dance...after I got angry

Less than a month later Indie Boy is dating my friend Fierce. I believe I am in love with Depressed Artist, but I really don't like that my friend is dating Indie Boy. I think she asked if it was okay, but they were already so into each other, that I didn't feel like I could say no. I felt guilty for what I did to Indie Boy too. Shortly thereafter Fierce and I stopped being friends. I didn't like her anymore and neither did most of our mutual friends (for other reasons).

What really happened:
Everything is true until the break up.
Night before the dance I talked with Indie Boy. He could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. The next day I found him in the student center with a mutual friend, Kung Fu Joker. I said, "Hey Kung Fu Joker, could you leave so I can break up with Indie Boy." I have no memory of this event, but both Kung Fu Joker and Indie Boy attest to it. I must have blocked it out. This was either the day of or the day before the dance.
The other false part:
Fierce and I continued to be friends through freshman year. I did have those feelings about her dating Indie Boy. I had the same feelings when my other friend Ballerina dated him etc etc...but I was still friends with them and hid it. What ended our friendship was my other friend, Maniacal's feud with Fierce. I didn't know where to stand, so I stuck with Maniacal. Fierce's decision to date Indie Boy just made it easier to choose a side.

______________

If nothing else you get an amusing story out of this. What do I get out of it?
How could I not remember how it really happened? I got over the guilt of how I broke up with Indie Boy about a year ago after I talked to him and apologized for it. I just can't believe I thought I ended a friendship way earlier than I did. I've been living all these years thinking that we're no more that classmates these days because of that. What's done is done though. She goes to school so far away now, we'd barely keep in touch anyway if I patched things up. It's not like we're on bad terms. Even Indie Boy doubts his logic for dating her in hindsight.

So what's the point? The point is that I just spent an hour going through my old LJ entries as well as a couple of Indie Boy's, just to figure out why and when Fierce and I drifted apart. I came to the conclusion that I was insane freshman year and even more depressed that I realized. It's all so odd in hindsight.

Conclusion: My feelings for Indie Boy have only grown since then and I was crazy way back when. I wonder if I'll think I was crazy when I was 21 in 6 years times. I hope not as much as I do now for when I was 15. I also hope Indie Boy is not currently what I thought Depressed Artist was back then. I'm pretty positive what I have now is real.

On another note. I found a note that I wrote when I was 15 having to do with another guy. I'll call him Manwhore. I wasn't referring to him specifically. However as a more general statement I said I probably wouldn't start thinking about marriage for 7 or 8 years. Do the math. That's 22 or 23. Wooow. What was I thinking?

I have a crazy brain. It used to be crazy in a not so good way. I'm so glad people from back then are still my friends and that my current crazy brain doesn't scare off too many people. I think we're all a little crazy.

Thanksgiving

It would appear that 'Thanksgiving' is one of the few titles I haven't used for my blog yet. Fancy that.

I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I know sometimes I tend to focus on what I don't have or what's going wrong. I'm sure you do to. I always try to keep in mind what I do have though.

I have a constant reminder glued to my side: Luca. He's a furry, little (by little I mean large) beast who drives me crazy sometimes, but I love him nonetheless. He's always there to distract or sooth me when I need it. It's so hard to believe I've had him for almost a year. Best therapy ever? I'm so thankful.

Speaking of little beasts who aren't little, I have to say I'm thankful for the human with a similar name...who drives me crazy sometimes, but whom I adore nonetheless. I'm thankful, because he makes me happy in a way no one else can, because I trust him completely (which rarely happens, with men especially), because he's seen me cry and held me...more than once, because he's been the focus of my anger way more than once and remained patient, because he's seen me without make up in the harsh light of morning and he still likes me. I'm thankful that he finally said what I needed to hear. He's the one person who knows exactly what I'm going through with nana. I'm so thankful when he inquires about her or how I am. If he reads this, he'll know this is for him: I'm thankful for you.

Of course I'm thankful for family. This year has been exceptional in terms of extended family. My cousins are great and one in particular is on my list of favorite people ever (also on the short list of men I trust completely). He's funny, exceedingly caring, and smart, so what's not to be thankful for eh? There's a lot more I could list, but I'm pretty sure I've done so in a previous post (or 2 maybe ha). I'm thankful for him, because I know he's got my back even from half way across the country...and part way into another country.

I'm thankful for my parents even though they really drive me crazy often. They brought me up to be the woman I am today. I'm proud of who I am and I know they are too (even though I keep switching majors and schools). I'm thankful that I can tell them anything and that they haven't tossed me onto the street for my love of coffee and fashion. Despite my mistakes, they love me and despite theirs (which I enjoy complaining about ha), I love them. Recently I had a 'wow-my-parents-are-kind-of-really-great-and-I-love-them' moment. - My mom went off about how not making sure the lint was cleared out of the dryer was a fire hazard. For once, it didn't annoy me. I just stood back calmly and smiled, because in the grand scheme of things, lint fire hazards mean nothing, but it's typical of my mom to worry about such things. When it's not annoying, it's sometimes adorable. So then my dad started making jokes about it because he also realized it was a little absurd to go off on such a tangent, but he wasn't mean about it even though she was blaming him. In response, she took a small, empty cardboard box and hit him on the head with it. Not seriously, but in a 'you-think-you're-so-funny-making-fun-of me-huh?' way. Then a second time for good measure. -

I'm thankful for nana. She helped raise me, taught me how to cook delicious food, taught me how to multiply, exposed me to good television such as I Love Lucy, I Dream of Genie, and Happy Days etc. I will save the rest later, because I know there will be a time when I will write a longer blog entry about her and I would rather not repeat myself.

My sister is also on the list of family. I'm thankful that she didn't give up on me even though I was completely selfish and nasty to her when we were children. I'm sure as we grow older, we will become closer.

I'm always thankful for my friends especially those who have been there for me recently with the Luke/Brent/Nana stuff. Especially Hallie who spent an entire day with nana and me in the ER. I'm thankful for my brothers. They're kind of the light of my life (or a few lights of my life?). I'm so proud of them. Beans for doing well in school and maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who seems like a great girl. Jared for being Jared and for being honest with his girl. They're both great examples of how good men of our generation should be. It's also nice to know that while we may live far apart and change some, when we get together, we are still 3 crazy idiots who do the Can Can and skip down a street in the middle of Portland.

As for everyone else who has come and gone in my life, I'm thankful for them too. Everyone teaches us something. While I hate to admit it, because I'm still hurt by what he said, there is one man who was in my life for about a month who I must be thankful for also. He is not responsible for me being happy and finding myself again, but he did show me that I didn't have to settle for last place in a man's life (as I had for about a year) and how good it could be. I must also be thankful for the words that hurt me, because it was a reality that I needed to face, but no one had ever said the words: emotionally distant. I'm thankful, because ultimately he brought me back to the man I love; the one man with whom I have no problem showing how I feel and definitely can talk to about my feelings.

I Am Not A Robot, Really!

I just started writing a blog entry, but I thought it was a little too personal, so here is the alternate version.

• I feel Brent misjudged me and I'm angry about it.
• I feel guilty and nothing anyone says can change that, only I can make up for it.
• I'm back on the Luke train and nothing anyone says can change that, but if I start to sink I give everyone permission to yell at me about it or hit me with a frying pan.
• I won't sink again, because I've seen the light and I want that happiness I experienced before to happen with Luke. If it doesn't, then I won't stick around to drown again

I know I tend to be overly optimistic sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I wouldn't be where I am now without my optimism and hopes for the future.

So once again I put my faith in Luke, the one man I trust completely. He's made some mistakes and so have I. That's how you learn. We both own up to them. He's seen my neurotic, insecure side and...well he's still here. He's been the direct target of my anger, but he's still here.He's seen me cry more than once, and he's still here. He's the only man I let my guard down with almost completely.
By here I mean, he hasn't given up and said, "I've had enough of you, good bye" or "you're too emotionally distant, good bye" or just "good bye."

I'm not perfect. I'm cold and somewhat distant until I believe you really won't leave or hurt me, but I do warm up and I am an amazing woman.

Adam Lambert

For Halloween I am going to be Adam Lambert. He's a popular singers who started on American Idol, but I never watched him back then. I fell in love with his music when I first heard 'For Your Entertainment.' Then when the music video came out I fell in love with him. He's a beautiful and very talented gay man and I love it all. Every girl needs her fantasy gay boyfriend on the side. He's mine.

Below I have posted the music video after which I am basing my super sexy rocker costume. If you note the scenes where he's in the seat singing and making seductive faces, those are exactly same seductive faces that I make. What are the odds?


I've been planning this costume for a year. I even drew it up. I have 3 pairs of shoes I can wear. I will probably go with my heel studded boots and then change to my flat studded boots tonight if my feet start to hurt too much.

Early To Bed

Tonight I tried to go to bed early, but I haven't been able to sleep. I used to keep myself up being miserable in the dark. Now I'm happy and I can't sleep because I have happy energy. It's like being caffeinated, but there's no crash; just a constant happiness.

Blah

Hormones are a bitch. They make everything...more...more.

They make bad feelings worse and good feelings better.

Good feelings are in short supply.

I had a good weekend aside from the cigarette. That wasn't a good choice. It was spiteful and stupid, but whatever.

My brain is scrambled right now. I have random thoughts and incredibly complicated nonsensical thoughts and I can't tell what is real and what is hormones. Stupid hormones...

So on another note, I've noticed at random times a homesick feeling. I'm not homesick for Maine, because I'm here. It's Toronto.

My bad day started with a dream I had:

I was in a large building and the sea level was rising. I was working with people to fix a shield against it. Water kept coming in and I had to run to a higher floor. I ran into someone, but I was still busy trying to fix the shield. I can't remember what happened after that, but we were safe in a private room. We were lounging on the bed watching tv and he proposed. My elation didn't last long before I woke up. I guess my brain knew it wasn't real.

The reality of the situation is difficult enough. I don't need it seeping into my sleeping hours as well. Maybe that's why I can't get to sleep early enough anymore. I stay awake until I'm too exhausted to think and then I can fall right asleep without a problem.

The only upside is that I have made it this far without chocolate. I might feel better if I had it though...

Cruel Irony

Tonight I watched The Emporer's New Groove. I've been wanting to see that for awhile. I can't remember what triggered the urge, but I think it had to do with Katya (like Vano said on OE in his sleep "I dunno...something to do with Katya") Oh good times.

Anyway, now I'm watching Tarzan. I haven't seen it in a long time. I liked it, but it used to make me sad and I didn't know why. Now it's quite obvious why, but it doesn't really make me sad anymore. Also I just realized that it was Matthew Broderick playing Simba. That's kind of weird.

I've been struggling with a couple things since returning from Toronto. I really do want to live there eventually, but I guess if I make some personal changes, Maine is still a good place.

I had dinner with Beans on Wednesday. He said the one thing I knew was true, but have been so unwilling to say. Being reassured that it was okay makes me feel a little better, but not enough to say my biggest reason for staying in Maine. It's probably pretty obvious, but once you say something, you can't take it back.

Sorry to sounds so cryptic when I'm usually so...blunt.

More detail in my private blog for my good friends who want to know.

Last but not least, I named this entry Cruel Irony, because Luke's friend is in my bio class and that friend's girlfriend is in my other bio class. I can never escape him. That's the cruel irony. It's kind of funny though.

Say Yes To The Dress

Say Yes To The Dress is a new show I discovered on netflix. I'm in love with it. I really need to apply for that job at David's Bridal.

I was trying to figure out who I would take to a consultation (very far into the future of course). I don't like the idea of having many people with me, especially those who aren't For sure, my mom. Probably my soon-to-be mother-in-law (depending on my relationship with her). Also I was thinking one of my maids of honor (I want 2) aka Katya, since she has good taste in clothing and knows my taste as well. Then last but not least...well I'll leave that one a mystery, so he doesn't see it coming.

Now, back to the present...

La Famille

So maybe being back in Maine isn't so bad, but then again, I haven't even begun to deal with the Luke issue yet. That's what usually brings me down.

More importantly, I've come to the realization that something is missing from my life. That fire that I always used to have and flickers from time to time these days...well what lit my fire? What made me passionate? What will make me passionate about anything again?

I'm trying to figure out what made me that happy, fiery, witty person in Toronto. I was never really sad there at all. Whatever weighs on me here, didn't there. I was Happy (with a capital H). Here I've been happier than I was at Hofstra for sure, but I'm still sad almost every day. Not all the time; not even half the time, but enough to make a noticeable difference in the quality of my life.

That's part of the reason I have decided to start dancing again. In high school, if I was dancing nothing to get me down. I'm hoping it will be the same now. I think it probably will be.

I think another thing that would improve my happiness is a better connection with Jews at home. Of course they won't be the same as my own Jewish family, but I've found that I could barely know a Jewish person and feel way more connected to them than other people who I might even know better.

The other thing I need is a better Latino community. I love all of the friends I have, but it's not enough to have a ton of white friends who don't encounter the racism that I do on a daily basis. I need that support system. I'm in the process of making that happen.

As for men, I'm putting them on the back burner for now. This does not include the current love though. For sure, he's not on the front burner though. That's a function of difficulties in my family, the fact that I'm not high on his list of priorities either and because doing all of the work to making anything happen with him has been burning me out. I'm one of the best resources he or anyone could ask for, but if he or anyone else doesn't take me up, then that's unfortunate for them.

I'm pretty excited for this semester of school. I haven't been excited for college since before I started my first semester of freshman year. This is a big deal. School is no longer burning me out. However, I'm not 100% about sport psychology. Most of the time I'm 95% sure, but sometimes thinking about graduate school is exhausting and I wonder if I really want to spend that much time in school. I know that when I'm doing something involving sport psychology or hockey, I'm excited about it, so hopefully that will last.

I mean what else could I do at this point? Yes, I'm taking marine bio to make sure that I don't really want to become a marine biologist...and that is the course I'm most excited about, but I think I'll probably stick with sport psychology.

My main motivation for classes this year, is to make sure I do well enough to make sure I can go abroad for sure next year. The only deal breaker is Luca. If I can't take him, I won't go. I can't leave him with someone else for that long. Even 5 days is too long. Going abroad with him is a possibility, because I wouldn't go to Europe, I would go to Canada.

Last two thoughts on my list (for now anyway) are:
1. I think I am going to try and find the other adopted sister. I think there is only 1 other?
2. I keep saying 'eh' and 'washroom.' Apparently 'for sure' is a Canadian phrase, but I've always said it, so I don't know what that means.

Cousins

I've been thinking about the difference between my Canadian cousins and Southern cousins.

I feel somewhat guilty about the fact that I feel no need or desire to see my Southern cousins. I know my father and his mother wish I would try to reconnect with them, because they're "the only other family" they have. When have I ever done something I don't want to do though? It happens more than people who know me very well would think, but still...

My southern cousins have grown into nice people I'm sure. I don't approve of one of them getting married so early, but that's not my concern. We never had much in common. Krista and I bonded over barbies, and clearly, neither of us are in that stage anymore. She's in a southern state of mind. I'm in a Rosalba state of mind. Marcus always kept to himself.

Then you have the Jewish/European/Canadian side of the family. What can I say?
<3 <3 <3 <3

I took to one of my cousins from the very first moment I can remember. It was a birthday party for my great uncle. The whole family came together: parents, grand parents, great uncle, cousins, aunts and uncles. My mom pointed them out, "that's Jon and Sarah." Sarah wore a dress and they ran around the restaurant/inn. I was shy though and about 10 years younger, so I clung to my mom. My first impression of Jon was 'nice.' I was too young to analyze people in any complexity, but I remember a general 'he's cool and nice' feeling. From then on he was my favorite cousins. I like his sister a lot too though. They're both great.

I didn't get to see them often, but they all came for my Bat Mitzvah. I took to a third cousin then more than Jon. Now that I think about it, I think it's because he was more outgoing than Jon with me and I took that as he liked me more than Jon did. That probably wasn't true at all and it changed again last year when I was in Toronto.

Anyhoo, I'm too tired to go into much depth and as I've said many times before, some things aren't meant for the public. I had a good long talk with Jon this evening about everything. I guess he and I have both been shy until now. Now that I think about it, I tell people different parts of who I am and what I've experienced, but who really knows it all except my parents and now Jon? Maybe there are things that only family should know? Where is the line between very close friends and family though? Maybe they make up more than one family?

Too much to think about. The conversation about Halifax over dinner was upsetting for me, because it reminded me of Luke. Post Halifax made for a good last evening/night in Toronto.

Good night, Toronto.

Canada

I've been thinking quite a bit since yesterday about moving to Toronto. It seems to me that this is the first place I've been besides Maine, where I feel completely happy with the people and comfortable in the environment. It's a large city, but I like the culture. There's a large Jewish community, lots of music and arts, french speaking people...I feel like I'm home.

I'm trying to figure out whether some of it isn't that I'm far away from my problems with men, but I think that's only a small portion of it. I adore my family. It's great being together even when we're all bickering. After all that's what Jews do; that's how we show our love. Jon and his mom are like me and my mom. I sit back and grin sometimes while listening to them bicker and pick at each other.

Today Don said "Do we all have to go up to get the tickets?" All 5 of us went up together...or more precisely Jon, Fran, my mom and I rushed up to the kiosk right before Don made that comment. I responded "Of course! We're a Jewish family. We have to do it all together." The part I didn't say was partly because we are making sure the person in charge is doing it right (a little Jewish joke). We all have to have our input and the younger generation (Jon and me in this instance) are making sure the older generation is getting it done correctly and as promptly as possible.

I consider Jon and I to be of the same generation, because he and I are very similar in many respects and I've grown up with older people. I get along with people who are at least 5 years older than me much better that those my own age. They're generally more decisive, know more about who they are and what they want. So yes, I adore my cousins Jon and Sara.

A Jewish family is a good thing to have.

I like Toronto. There are plenty of opportunities for a sport psychologist or athletic trainer in Toronto and Canada in general. Who knows. I have to get through my undergraduate degree first. I'm also not sure how far I can live from my parents without feeling home sick. Then I have to think eventually about keeping the Cabin in Maine, because I don't plan to ever give that up and having kids, which I'm not sure I want to raise in the US. That's further into the future though.

Time to sleep, so I can be lively tomorrow for more shopping and bickering with my family. I love that my cousin Jon likes to shop as much as I do. It's funny.

Toronto Again

It feels like Deja Vu.

Last year I didn't want to leave. This year I don't want to leave. Last year I considered going to school in Canada/Toronto. Then I forgot. This year I wondered how I could forget.

It's a little too complicated to go into everything now, but I'll get around to it.

I need to find something to light my fire again...

It's easy to forget Luke until someone says something that reminds me of him.

Luke vs. Caffeine

Caffeine makes me hyper. I talk fast. I fidget. I dance around when I'm walking.

Luke is worse. I get really shaky and weak. I pretend to be calm and collected (on the phone). Then I run around the house like a crazy mouse. I literally just ran up the steps and jumped up and down a few times. I forget to breathe. I feel...relieved and not in pain.

Oh shit. I think I just described a drug...People can't be drugs...or can they be?

I'm going to go dance around the house for 18 minutes and then do school work until 5 PM.

Outta Bed

It has been a week since I last posted. I think maybe I have been trying to run from something or some things.

I just had a thought about the man who lives far away. It was 'maybe the reflection he shows me of myself is the good human being that I really am.' It's one thing to know who you are and it's another to see what someone else thinks of you without your own issues getting in the way. It's a scary reality to face. It's more difficult to face something so good and pure than something kind of shitty.

He sent me a message in response to the letter I left and I haven't responded to it yet. I've been avoiding it. I put myself out there on the table and now he knows...quite a bit. It feels like part of me is keeping a vice like grip over my mouth warning me not to take another step in that direction, because it could end up...my first thought was, just like Luke.

I don't think that's actually possible, because he doesn't have the same fear that Luke has, but if I let him in, he could end up hurting me just as much. I don't have the capacity to take that from 2 men.

Speaking of which, not knowing whether and when Luke is really moving to DC has been driving me insane. I've been trying so hard not to think about it, but it's almost impossible and PMS on top of that has been hell. I didn't even want to get out of bed yesterday.

I've been filling up my fall schedule as much as possible without going insane from doing too much. If he leaves, I will basically be like a baby who can't be left alone. I will need to do something all the time, so I don't get stuck in that 'I'm going to lie in bed and feel like dying' feeling. I will also probably need to cry a lot and throw things.

Honestly, I have no idea what will happen yet though. I have spent the past week with my female friends only. I got a phone call from my bro yesterday, which made my day. For the most part it's been really helpful.

Now I'm going off to Toronto on Thursday. Half of me wants to get away so badly (to Toronto). I'd be lying if I said it wasn't partly an escape. The other half of me realizes that most of my friends will be having their last few days in Maine while I'm in Toronto, so I'll be missing out on that. Last time I went to Toronto last year, I was also escaping from Luke stuff. I did not want a single text from him that whole time. Then half way through he sent me a text and I freaked out and had to call Iszy. I have a feeling that won't happen this year and I kind of wish it would.

Men always ask 'what do you want' or 'what do you want from me.' What do I want? I want you to fucking tell me how you feel and not to move far away and to spend the rest of your life with me. That's what I want.

I have very little fear about saying what I want from him, because I've basically laid it all on the table. My anxiety is over him leaving and finding someone else right after me. That's what happened last time. I keep having mini anxiety attacks and have to make myself breathe.

So...I guess I should get out of bed now...

Northampton

My trip to Northampton was difficult. My trip to Northampton was great. I don't want to leave.

I've had to face some issues that I don't have to at "home." Those issues being my own commitment and fear of intimacy. Sound like anyone else we know? Yeah him. That's why I haven't really had to face it at home.

It's different when some really cares about you and asks if you want to talk kind of frequently because they can tell something is upsetting you. Holy mother, freaked me out. I tried really hard, but didn't succeed until last night. I feel like I kind of fucked this trip up. I was very quiet yesterday all day. Then I pretended I didn't care if he went out with another girl. I didn't know what kind of thing it was, so I tried not to judge. Leaving in the middle of the night crossed my mind, but I didn't. Running away never solves anything. Well I suppose sometimes it does.

We hung out when he returned and watched x files. Horror movies/tv shows etc make him nervous, so he doesn't watch them. He loves the X Files though, but doesn't like to watch it by himself. Then he went to bed. That's about the time I decided it was now or never. So we talked in the dark for a bit. It's easier for me to open up at night especially in the dark at first. I guess it's a good start. I could have done better if I hadn't gotten scared.

It's really scary to face this stuff. All of my insecurities are in my face and okay there aren't a whole lot, but what's there is very difficult to deal with. I was thinking yesterday in the car that my parents encouraged me to feel strong and independent. Somehow I avoided a lot of the typical girl insecurities like feeling fat, unattractive, weak etc etc. They didn't prepare me for some of securities men feel though and I seem to have latched onto those. It's also the result of my adoption stuff, but they run along the same line. For example: Needing to be really tough, building a wall and finding it very difficult to be completely myself when someone cares.

Before he left today for his job, he asked if I was going to be around tonight. I was caught off guard and said probably not. I originally hoped to stay until Wednesday morning, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Then he said he hopes I move here.

I do too.

On a side note, I'm getting the feeling through facebook that Luke might be moving to DC. There are some weird parallels on behalf of Will and my love lives. I'm a little in shock at the moment, but I have to drive to Springfield in an hour, so I really can't afford to fall apart until after that/until I get the facts.

Toasty

Toasty is an understatement. It's near 100 in Northampton. I'm not complaining though. It feels kind of like May in Tennessee.

Today has been good, but stressful. I think I've been psyching myself out by thinking that I have to send 7 years in once place. It's like 7 days from The Ring except it's a lot longer and a lot scarier (fye The Ring isn't scary).

Later Update: I feel like a horrible friend and guest. I spent most of the day silent. I am incredibly overwhelmed by the decision...s? I suppose my terrible mood started this morning when I took Will's helpfulness for trying to get me out of the apartment. I didn't know what to think, but the first thing that came to mind is 'No one wants me (except maybe my rents).' Now I'm beginning to realize that part of it...maybe most of it is me.

I have this plastic bubble around me that I keep most people away with. Pretty much everyone actually. I let Luke in the most I think, but even that isn't constant and he doesn't help by constantly disappearing. It's not exactly his fault, but it still feels horrible. All that terror has come up as a result of staying with Will. It's not a bad thing. Certainly I need to get rid of it and that barrier. I'm silent because I'm so terrified of letting him or anyone in. It makes me physically shake. I know he thinks it's awkward because of the silence and he said he would listen and I want to tell him all about it, but I open my mouth and "Don't worry about it. It's just kind of stressful. Not a big deal" and a cheap smile come out.

As soon as he gets back from dropping off books, I'm going to bitch slap the silence and terror and really talk to him. Anyone who wants to be my friend needs to understand why I keep my distance and stay so silent sometimes.

On another note, I'm afraid that I'm slightly like my mother in the fact that I need to be doing something constantly. I think that is more a result of feeling awkward and silent and wanting distraction to make it easier and avoid what's really going on.

I need to breathe and talk and know that everything will be okay eventually.

Mellow Thoughts

Tonight was good. We went to the Melting Pot. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love that restaurant.

The point is that I've been thinking about Luke a lot this evening, but it's just been touching the back of my mind. It was just a nice and relaxed. I wasn't worried that he's sleeping with other girls or drinking too much or doesn't like me etc etc.

Also I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't have waited around for so long if I didn't know that he cares for me on some level. So do I need to hear it? Nah, but it would be nice.

He's my happy place...or one of them.

P.S. I'll review my week in Mass when I get home.

Heading to Northampton tomorrow. That should be interesting.

France, Ireland and Tennessee

It seems like everything is moving in a new direction...or just in some direction.

Luke has been better at making an attempt to hang out/talk. It hasn't happened yet, but it will.

I will probably take 3 years to finish my undergrad double major/minor. Where is the question.

I'm heading to Northampton on the 8th, to see if my future lies there or in Boston.

___

Last night I saw 3.5 films. I was so exhausted that I figured I needed a night in alone to recoup. First I watched Coco Before Chanel. It was a good movie and I would recommend it, especially to those interested in that era. I also love Audrey Tautou in everything I've seen her in. At the end of the movie, I found that she reminded me of my grandmother. My grandmother was from Austria and had a similar hairdo since she lived around the same time. I love to see old picture of my grandmother, because she looked like a classic movie star. She would have fit right in with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck.

The second film I saw was The Blind Side. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the last people to have seen it, but that's okay. It was great and set in Tennessee, so even better. It made me think of my time at public school in Knoxville and then of some of the complaints I hear from my friends. We have it good compared to many of the people there. We're lucky. I'm luckier than most in terms of family. Many of my friends are even luckier than me in terms of money and comfort. So we're all doing pretty well in that respect and should be appreciative of that. Also, Sandra Bullock put on a good accent. It wasn't a Tennessee accent, but it didn't make me want to hit someone over the head like most actors do when they try that accent.

The third film I saw caught my eye because Cillian Murphy was on the cover. He's one of my favorite actors. Unfortunately he almost always dies or his wife leaves him or some such thing. Even in Inception he got shot and had to be saved. The movie I saw was The Wind That Shakes The Barley. It's basically about strife between Ireland and Britain with Ireland trying to gain independence during the early 20th century. I also recommend it to people who like Cillian Murphy or have interest in the topic/time period. Not for people who don't like war movies or are squeamish around finger nails being pulled off (I had to cover my eyes for part of that). The funny part is that I had to put the subtitles on, because some of the women spoke really softly and a few I just couldn't understand. I'm latino though, so why would you expect me to understand it anyway. Good movie, check it out.

The last film I only watched part of because I was tired and it was a little drawn out for my taste. It's called Dans Paris. It's a french film about a son who returns home to be depressed over the break up with his girlfriend and his relationship with his brother who is a bit of a man whore and his father, who's a little crazy. The pace is very slow, possibly to reflect the slow progression of his depression, but still too slow for me. Not highly recommended.

Twists and Turns

Books should have twists and turns, not my love life. Yet it is. I could probably sell it and make it into a tv show for money, but I won't.

Today was interesting. Well just the evening part.

After visiting Nana I decided that since Luke hadn't responded I would run over to his house. It seems that the best way to reach him is to surprise him at home. They say you should never surprise a man at home, because he might be with another woman. Well if he were, then I'd want to know. I have no qualms about walking into his house and looking for him.

Today I found...his mother. I almost snuck out of the room undetected, but she saw me, so I ended up sitting and talking to her for half an hour. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. It also made me really sad and feel like a jerk (kind of). Since it's so personal, I have no desire to talk about the subjects in a public place or with anyone other than his mother and him. Some things are private.

I will say I got a more in depth look at another side of him that he doesn't necessarily show me or other people. I also saw how much his mother loves him and how similar they are. It was interesting how many mannerisms were the same and how they had similar outlooks on some things. I always find that interesting in other people, because I do not have my own biological parents to compare myself to.

Listening has always been my strong point and it seemed like she had a lot on her mind. I was more than happy to listen for her benefit, for Luke's and for my own. I love this man more than ever now. It almost doesn't seem possible.

I used to think that I was useless to him. I try so hard to be there for him; to make him see that I'm there and he should feel able to rely on me. He never does though. It hurts me when he chooses something else or a bro, but I try to remind myself it's not about me. I'll try even harder to remember that now. Tonight I figured out that even the offer to be there for him is better than nothing; the constant reminder that I'm here has to mean something to him.

I cried all the way home, but not for myself this time. I cried because of how unfair life can be. I cried because sometimes the most amazing people get the shittiest end of things. I cried because I don't want to lose Luke. I cried because I don't want to lose my grandmother or my parents.

I sat in the driveway for a full minute and cried. Then I heard a car door, looked up and realized my neighbor had pulled up beside me. Awkward. I hope not to see him for quite a while. Part of me is mortified, but part of me thinks it's funny as hell.

I'm hoping that Thursday Luke and I will finally be able to hang out for more than 5 minutes. I'm praying that nothing will get in the way for either one of us and as always I'm praying for him. I probably don't seem like the praying sort, but I am in my own quiet way.

____

On a separate note, I had a good evening with Hallie at Sebago and watching Sex and the City (tv show). I got her addicted. It still amazes me how much the show relates to my life.

Now off to bed, if I can get that worn out look on Luke's face out of my head. It makes me sad. I would do anything to see him smile more.

Contradiction

It sounds like a negative word, doesn't it?

Well it's not in this case.

My mom as well as other people in RC have advised me in the past to find a man who contradicts all my patterns. (my patterns being: 'My birth mother didn't want me, so why would anyone else,' 'I need people to see that I'm good enough,' etc.) In terms of men that means I'm attracted to men who are indecisive and tend to leave or be unavailable. Those are the negative traits at least.

A contradiction would be: a man who can say he likes to be with me, who makes an efforts to see me, shows me that he likes to be with me, who can schedule around me as well as me scheduling around him, who does not have a girlfriend or as previously noted, an emotional intimacy issue, who can admit when he is wrong, who can apologize sincerely, who is not an alcoholic or a smoker, who does not do drugs, who does not belittle me by making jokes about my heritage or religion, who likes to listen...

I found a contradiction to all of this...or a man who contradicts all of these things. He helps me remember that my time is not worthless and should not be wasted. I remember even more than usual that I am a great person who any man would be lucky to have. I'm happy and in the moment when I'm with him. I smile and laugh a lot. There is no sadness attached.

This man is not Luke. I love Luke, but if he doesn't do something soon, he'll lose me. I don't want it to happen like that.

Lets See

I've been thinking about my academic future and my future career a lot lately. Believe me, I've had plenty of reason to do so.

Thus far the graduate schools I'm looking at are all in Massachusetts (Boston, Springfield, Amherst, Worcester). I will do whatever it takes to get into those schools.

I've been kind of scared about my progress. Transferring was a mess and then I had my huge mental break down about what I really wanted to do with my life that came at a great cost to my academic progress. First I had to overcome the depression that took hold while at Hofstra. I came to USM still discouraged about that. I was worn out after my first year.

USM was much better though. I liked the people, both students and professors. That sneaky idea that Waynflete planted in my head that 'a local public college isn't good enough quickly dissipated for the most part. No one ever said it outright, but it was in the air, because everyone applied to it as a last choice safety school and the teachers never carried on about it the way they would about Bates or Bowdoin. They did stress the importance of choosing the right school for the individual though.

That's why I'm at USM. To this day I still get crap mostly in the form of passive aggressive jokes from friends about USM and it's embarrassing, but I like the school, so I ignore it or confront the people. I have no doubt that I'm incredibly smart, so that is not an issue. Filling my potential is scary though. I constantly have to beat back the recording that a baby from a 3rd world country can't successfully take on the challenge of becoming a psychologist, more specifically one of the few who works with elete athletes, which is a male dominated area. I believe I can do it, but the part of me that was hurt a long time ago has doubts sometimes. When I let those doubts seep it, that's when I screw up. I freeze and don't do anything.

This past semester I slowed down in order to deal with those fears. Oddly enough, I think getting Luca has been the most helpful therapy for me. He keeps me present and relaxed. He's a constant reminder that I am successfully raising and supporting a live being. It's a challenge. You can't get an F in that. You can't fail a living being. If I can do that, then I can do pretty much anything.

My parents raised me on that: I can do anything if I set my mind to it and work hard. Other phrases: I'm brilliant, I'm beautiful, I'm compassionate etc. etc.

And I believe it.

So what am I really questioning now? What to do with the rest of my undergraduate education. I've decided that I will give it another year and depending on how that goes I will have 3 possibilities.
If I'm satisfied with my GPA (and believe me, I have very high expectations for myself) then:
1. I will finish on time at USM with a Psychology Major and Creative Writing Minor
If my GPA is not quite where I want it to be, but still at a good place then:
2. I will take another year to graduate with Majors in Psychology and Athletic Training and a minor in Creative Writing or
3. I will transfer to Mass (most likely Amherst) to finish my undergrad degree as a Psychology and Athletic Training Major with my Creative Writing minor already complete.

I'm sure 3 is the most shocking to everyone. I've kept it secret until now. I mentioned it to Carol about a week ago, but that's it. I love USM. I've said that before. I'm still in love with Portland. That's why I came back. Portland is the city I want to raise my children in, but that is not my present. I would love to work for the Pirates, but again that's not my present (unless I get an internship, which is a possibility).

Where is my near future? Massachusetts. So I think it makes sense to consider all possibilities. One of which, being to transfer next year. I'm highly skeptical of that actually happening though.

Men also complicate the situation. Not as much in actually influencing me to be one place or the other, but more in me being afraid that they will influence my decisions and thereby giving them more power to actually influence me. It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

I have to do what's best for me. What's best for me could there though. Not because of him, but because of the academics and opportunities. Keeping him out of the decision is difficult though.

There's a lot to think about. That's why I'm going to Northampton next week. I'm not exactly sure how long I will stay, which brings me to my next post...

Consistency

The Shepherd's Dream - John Henry Fuseli

Today the thought occurred to me that Luke might be more consistent than most of my other friends. That's really sad. Tonight, I believe that even more.

Also, part of me wants to go to Noho next week and never return...at least not to live. That won't happen though. It's just a nice dream.

Emotional State of Hate

Emotions are tricky. They change constantly. Some don't, but most do. They aren't always rational. In fact, they usually aren't. They shape perceptions.

I would say more, but I'd give too much away.

The Plot Thickens...Again

Remember those times I said there's rarely ever just one man hanging around me?

That defined tonight.

Today I went to Kennebunk to hang out at the beach with Kurtz. I love Kurtz time. I get to act my age (mentally), which is 30. It was a nice break for the hectic 2 weeks I've had.

It's not over yet. Tomorrow we volunteer from 4-10 for the Festival of nations (we=carol and me).

Anyhoo, I found out Will was in town and decided to text him when I got into Portland. He said he was in Portland at the Space Gallery and invited me to the show. I went. I had to park at the courthouse though because it was Friday night. Who did I run into in front of Sebago?

Lucas Opperman. I was strutting accross the street listening to DJ Got Us Falling In Love like I was on top of the world. Then I saw him and froze in the street for a minute. I wasn't sure whether to turn away or stop and talk. He froze when he saw me too. Finally I finished crossing and he walked over. He asked what I was up to. I said "going to a show with a friend." He guessed Space. His friend was freaking out about parking somewhere, so he had to go. He told me to call him...

I said "you call me" and walked away. I was so flustered I went to the wrong ATM. I left a message on Iszy's phone freaking out. I figured it had to be a bad sign that I ran into Luke on my way to hang with Will...or just a confusing sign.

I was flustered all the way to the Space. Then I went in and saw Will. I met a couple of his friends. We talked and I hung around for a few songs. The band was really good. My favorite part was seeing Will rock out to it though. I couldn't help but smile.

After 5 or so songs, I said good bye and went to Jake's house for a fire. Vano, Jake S, Jake C, Carol and I sat around a fire for about 3.5 hours roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, talking and reminiscing about Waynflete. It was nice. I got to know Jake C a little better.

So...looks like my trip to Northampton is definitely happening. Luke better act fast...as in, within the next 7 days.

Reunion

Last minute surprises: Vano coming back for a few days, Michael coming back for a few days.

It's been a crazy week and it's not over yet. There's even a possibility that Carol and I are driving Michael back to Dartmouth on Sunday. I'm not sure how I got pulled into that...I think it was something like "Rosie, wanna come?" and I was just like "Uhhhhhhh....okay?"

Last night was nice. I was at home learning a hip hop routine for National Dance Day on Saturday when Carol called and invited me to coffee with her, Vano, and Michael. Jake ended up joining us at Sebago. I like those last minute invitations...of course this week I haven't had time for such things, since everything this week was pretty much planned last week. We had a nice time. I'm pretty sure the other table of people could tell, because they kept giving us dirty looks for being so loud. 'Flete reunions are like that. Lots of inside jokes and memories and some catching up on current life.

There were certainly downsides to 'flete, but it's times like last night when you can really appreciate the benefits. Some of us don't see each other that often, but when we do we're like an inseparable family. Carol even commented on how we're different when we're with each other than other people. 'Flete encouraged our quirks. We're all really strange, but we like each other for that. Many other people don't get that, so we tone it down for them. Of course it's almost impossible to keep me toned down for very long anyway.

Another observation I had was how much I changed throughout my 'flete experience and even through college. In Freshman year I was a terror to all the new freshies (that was my name for them).

I arrived there in 8th grade and was accepted quickly despite my black clothing and make up and intense love for metal and screamo music. I gallivanted around with Iszy and Amanda and chased squirrels and played vikings on the tennis court. My boys were punks (Ben, Tom Ry, Charlie, Tiger, Matt) and I love rough housing with them. My nails were extremely long and sharp.


Things changed in high school. A ton of new people arrived and I wasn't so happy about that. I had the reputation of being rough and tough and scary. I liked it. The end of 8th grade at a party I wrestled with Tiger and he ended up hiding under a coffee table while someone else held me back. Kate's first impression of me came when we were in the lunch line. I didn't know her and I was standing in line with Jamie. I don't remember this, but apparently I bit him right in front of her. You know, typical me. That same year I gave Imani (one of my bffs) her first bloody nose for humming a song I didn't like one too many times. I also gave her a second bloody nose, but I think that was a mistake. I was pretending to punch her and then I actually did. I was at the front of every hardcore show that Imani and I went to. I was tough.

Now? I still wrestle with my boys. I'm careful though so as not to hurt the as badly. I restrain my biting to those I think can handle it. For some reason Katya thinks it tickles...I guess I don't need to hide behind a tough exterior anymore. I know I'm strong and I don't need to prove it. It's there when and if I need it. I do miss the days of being a terror though. It was a fun reputation. These days to my boys and a few others I'm still "evil" and that's good enough for me.

Going back to 'flete...we were talking about our reunions and whether we would go. I would. Carol and I agreed to go together. So many remember when's...Carol thinks the people from high school are the people we will be friends with our whole lives rather than college. I'm hoping it's both.

How do you mix the worlds though? Many of us don't. I think I've been one of the few who has been trying since freshman year of high school. It's taken 5 or 6 years, but Kelsey finally seems comfortable with the 'flete crew. So I think it can be done.

Busy Like Lucas Opperman

That's my new phrase, because that's what I've been for the past 2 weeks...and yes it does kind of have a negative connotation. Today I realized it's not a good thing to be because I basically passed out from fatigue and too much emotional strife around 1:30.

I worked for an hour this morning outside, had my hair done and found out that Luke couldn't make it to lunch today on the way home. That's about the time I completely lost it. I was so relieved, not because of the reason, but just for the extra time. I was weak, shaky and tearful when I got home and ended up passing out on the couch.

Now I'm feeling a bit better. I'm confining myself to the house and avoiding social contact for the rest of the day. I'm more confused than ever though. He apologized again AND he let me know an hour and a half in advance. That never happens. Usually I end up waiting and then finally text him and he says something came up. Maybe my letter actually did some good and he realized how shitty he's treated me all year.

Last but not least, Carol said something last night as we walked the boulevard. "Maybe indie is short for indecisive." Both of the guys I really care about are indie boys. They're also both indecisive. My friend Kurtz also said, "...you should get a real man...or at least, one who knows what he wants in life." That's a good idea, except there aren't any my age and I don't see the point in settling for something temporary just for the heck of it.

For the moment, I'm too tired to dwell on the subject of men in my life. However, I am jealous that Angelina Jolie was married to Jonny Lee Miller.

Salt

The movie was good. Not as good as Inception of course, but still very good. It was really weird though, because it was basically like my mind. They killed the man Salt loved and she killed them all. They say an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind. Well if you have nothing left who gives a damn?

Anyhoo good movie. Good walk on the blvd with Carol. I needed it. My brain cannot think about anything else except solving this...whatever it is...with Luke. I really can't handle any other stress right now. I really freaked out earlier in the evening before the walk. Might need another walk tomorrow evening too or I might just curl up in bed and cry for a very long time or maybe it will be good...I don't have a good feeling about lunch tomorrow though and I'm not sure if Luke picking me up is a good idea. Worst case scenario, I walk home from downtown Portland.

It could just be the 2 cups of coffee I had making me pessimistic. I'm terrified though. I've never been more scared of anything in my life except right before I dropped the letter off. I'm terrified to the point of shaking and crying...not at the moment, because of the caffeine, but earlier for sure.

Tomorrow...well tomorrow I will just be me. I don't think Luke realizes I've changed some over the summer. I'm stronger and I won't back down.

There may be some darkness in between, but I will see you all on the other side. I'll make it through one way or another even if I don't want to. Resillient til the end.

The End or The Beginning?

So today could be my last day like this.
Like what?

Happily in love with Luke.

No I'm not saying I'm happy all the time (far from it), but the love is...It's best feeling in the world.

It might end because, well Luke and I have tentative plans tomorrow. I say tentative, because he tends to blow me off. I say it might end, because if I see him we have to confront this finally. He knows everything. We can't tiptoe around "oh by the way I've been in love with you for awhile and I still am even though you have some major issues." The only reason it would end is because of him....if he doesn't really care about me, if he's leaving and doesn't want to try to make it work...basically anything that has to do with him thinking he could never feel the same about me.

Worst case: We would end permanently. I told myself this was the last time I would try something with him and if it didn't work out then I would never repeat again. I can't honestly say I wouldn't try it again the opportunity came up. So theoretically we would end, but I would still love him forever probably. It would never have the same happy aspect, because there would never be a change.

That's all just in case though...

Of course I'm hoping for something more positive. I'm an optimist after all. I did try preparing myself for the worst case scenario, but I don't think that's possible.

His different behavior (via text) has been confusing. He's apologized a few times since the day he left for Spain. I don't remember that ever happening before...ever. When I asked if he'd be around this week, he gave me options. No "maybe" or "I dunno." Again, really weird for him (in regard to me anyway). Both have me wondering if they're in response to the letter?

I got over thinking about that though.

The one thing he sent me that I haven't been able to get past is about the days he has off. He said he had 'these days' off. Why tell me his schedule if he was planning to only see me once more to end things?

I'm trying really hard not to think about that either. I thought maybe if I wrote it down, it would leave my mind. Female brains are difficult and over analytical and usually I'm good at controlling it, but apparently not right now.

Then there is the dream I had this morning before I woke up. I went to a movie with friends and invited him. He said he'd come. He didn't. He arrived as we were leaving. I was pissed. He left with me trying to explain something about how he said he would try to be there not that he would be there etc etc. You know, typical Luke. Somehow we ended up hanging out in a bunk bed (the higher one). I said something because I was still irritated about the movie. He interrupted me and mumbled I love you kiddo. I didn't think I heard him correctly, so I asked him to repeat, but he wouldn't. I was really happy though. A second later I woke up. I guess my logical brain realized that wasn't reality. It was a terrible feeling when I realized that it was just a dream.

So I'm currently pissed off at my subconscious.

I won't regret anything if it ends tomorrow. He's worth every tear and all the heart ache in the world. I don't care what anyone else thinks about him or my decisions on the matter. If it doesn't work out, don't expect me to be very cheerful. I'm still hoping though. I have to.

Atreyu: The Low Down

The show was great. Atreyu is always great. However I think it's their worst performance that I've seen.
Ranking:
1. Taste of Chaos '08
2. Taste of Chaos (07?)
3. Palladium (05?)
4.Mayhem Fest '10

While I'm at it, I'll rank Eighteen Visions as well.
1. The Station (with Imani)
2. Orono '04
3. Palladium (05?)
4. The Station (with Iszy)

Their performance was great. Of course the guitarist are so skilled that they can't jump around a ton and go crazy because of the technical aspect. Alex was full of energy though as always! Brandon was a g-d on drums and his voice is that of an angel. I like him live because he doesn't sound as trained as on the albums. Alex's voice has developed well. He never sounds trained, but he sings more now. I like where this band is heading. I've been a fan for 7.5 years and I'm looking forward to many more years.

Being a fan for so long of course has lead to me to believe that anyone who jumped on the band wagon with the release A Death Grip On Yesterday or more recently is not a TRUE Atreyu fan. Sorry guys, you just don't cut it as the real deal, but I still love you for loving Atreyu anyway.

I still think the Atreyu-Eighteen visions era was the best that there was. The shows were amazing. The energy was amazing. The crowds were smaller, but the fans were more hardcore so the shows were off the roof. Imani was my partner in crime at those shows. She went as crazy as I did.

If I could relive any 18V show for the rest of my life it would be the Station show with Imani. They had strobes and for about 5 seconds I though I was dead and had gone to heaven. Heaven being one of my favorite bands playing shows forever and me being in the front row and achieving absolute happiness for 1 moment. Or for Atreyu, the most recent Taste of Chaos show. Iszy and I tore into that crowd and I've never rocked out harder.

Happiness is what we're searching for all our lives. Sometimes we achieve moments of bliss, but most never achieve a constant happiness without sadness or something else coming up along the way. Those blissful moments last longest at shows.

Here's one way to tell the difference between hardcore fans and the rest. We expect pain, bruises, cuts, blood, and know there is always a possibility of death involved. We also know there's a code. The larger people help the smaller people if something happens. We're friendly in between sets. (Ex. woman who tied the back of my bathing suit when it came undone).

If you aren't willing to take those risks, then don't come and ruin it for the rest of us. We're family and we don't need people to come along and change that. If you want to be part of that family, then join us.

Good and Bad

I've been a bit down today. I don't need to explain why anymore. It's been the same reason for the past year.

Today I went to dinner with Carol. I compared the way two different men treated me. One is a friend who happens to be off limits, but likes me regardless and the other is Complicated. The complicated one neglects and never apologizes for blowing me off or disappear. The other friend apologizes for disappearing 1 time for 1 hour and wants to hang out with me more often.

Post letter dropping off I've received several texts saying "sorry" this came up or this happened from the Complicated one. The first time I thought it was odd, but appreciated it nonetheless. After it happened again, it completely freaked me out. Then I suggested hanging out tomorrow evening, but he said he can't and asked any other day. It's the any other day part that got me. Both of those together should be a good thing, but I'm so used to being neglected and never apologized to that acknowledgement and apologies seem like bad things. It's so messed up. It's backwards. Is it me who is messed up and backwards? Have I let this happen?

Did I mention the part where the friend who isn't Complicated offered to make a schedule based on when I'm available? My response: "wait...are you kidding? there are men who would do that? this can't be real.

What is real and what isn't? The lines have become blurred. I've accepted the fact that I'm too far in with the Complicated one to think straight by myself. I need to be in a room with him and talk about it in order to ground myself again.

Also on the ride home from the movie I was thinking about things I used to believe. I believed that I make myself happy. That it's in the mind and I can be happy if I want to be. Part of me still believes it, but sometimes it's so hard. It takes so much effort and I've already expended too much energy on making something work with this complicated person. I am not the kind of person who ever believed that happiness is reliant on another person, but isn't that what I've become to a certain degree? It's disgusting.

I've seen both sides now. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.

If there's one thing I am sure of it's that I can't live like this for another year. I can't...No I won't be stuck in a place where I'm waiting to find out whether he even cares about me. If he says he does, then I have nothing to be anxious of and I can wait for him to get his feet back under him. He he says he doesn't then at least it will be a clean break.

For now I'm in a neutral state. Meanwhile my body feels like a 200 pound man fell on me...oh wait. That did happen. I love shows!

Words And Whispers

Atreyu was great. The road trip with Katya was great. I'll say more about that later when I have time and am in the mood.

Currently I'm trying to keep my head above the water...again.
Yesterday during Atreyu's performance I realized that for the first time ever/7.5 years that songs that never applied to me before now do. I knew all of the lyrics to all of the songs of course, but on a couple of them I got really emotional and started crying and felt a little like vomiting (that was partly from dehydration though).

My life for the past year has been Lipgloss and Black on repeat. Sometimes it's Ex's and Oh's.

They played Bleeding Mascara, Becoming the Bull, Gallows, Right Side of the Bed, You Give Love a Bad Name, Someone's Standing On My Chest, and Lipgloss and Black in that order.

Good setlist. Too close to reality though.

I also realized that if everything I have endured in the past year could be physically visible, I would be bloody and covered in bruises and barely alive. So how do I do it? Why do I do it?

Lip Gloss and Black
Lip Gloss and Black
Demonology and Heartache
Lip Gloss and Black
Lip Gloss and Black
Demonology and Heartache
Lip Gloss and Black

Here and There

I thought next week would be relatively uneventful (kind of like I thought this week would be). Nope.

This week I went out to the cabin, played guitar for the first time in 6 years, came into town for Kat and Micah's Bdays, half drowned in the storm that night, spent yesterday at the cabin, worked today and later I'm running an errand with Kat and having coffee and dessert with Hallie.

Tomorrow I'm picking Kat up at 9 AM and driving to Hartford, experiencing the bliss that is Atreyu, driving home. Sunday I'm hanging with Carol and Kat.

So much for an uneventful week...

Next week looks like this:
Mon. work, Tues. evening leading a support group for people of color, doing a lot of with Carol (for her not me...), VANO IS MAYBE COMING BACK TO MAINE FOR THE WEEK, hip hop class with Carol on Wednesday, going down to Kennebunk to see Kurtz at some point during the week, Jared's cabin with the rest of the fam. on Friday, Festival of Nations all day Saturday.

So...I guess that means I have no time for Luke this coming week either? YAY! I mean...What I mean is for once it's me who has no time. Then I'm hoping the next week I'll be able to visit Will in Noho and visit a couple of colleges in Western Mass. Then the next weekend I'm going to Boston with Sean.

Break Down:

• I'm going to spend all the time possible with Vano that I can if he comes back next week.
• I'm so excited for shopping/hip hop with Carol
  
• I haven't seen Kurtz in awhile.
• Festival of Nations is a multicultural festival that I have volunteered at for years. Many people in my class from highschool volunteer. I got to be in charge of the cake last time because I'm sooo good at keep chaos to a minimal when it comes to public functions. Lots of good food, crafts and performances.

It's going to be a good weekend and week ahead.

1,2,3

So it appears my luck with men sucks. At least the men I really like or love.
1 is emotionally distant/wants to go into the army
2 has a girlfriend, but likes me too
3 wants to go into the army also?

So I'm kind of frustrated.

Also I got a massage today and realized just how tense I am and how most of it is because of Luke. W-O-W! The massage therapist said afterward, "you're really tense." Yeahhhh. I need a deep tissue and a man who appreciates me/is available.

Today was really great! It was Kat and Micah's birthdays. We went for the massage in the morning, which was great. My muscles loosened up for about 10 minutes. Then we went out on the boat. That was fun! I was surprised when Josh offered me a hand to help me off the boat. Mostly because I'm used to only seeing that in Jane Austen novels. Their mom also asked me whether I thought a girl liked Josh and if he was attractive. That was awkward, because I used to have a crush on him and he is attractive. I avoided answering straight out though. Then we hung out with Kate. Had dinner and did presents and finished watching SYTYCD.

I also left my windows down and had to run out in the middle of the pouring rain to close them. I got drenched in about 3 seconds. I came in with the sexy wet puppy dog look. It was hilarious.

I have ended the night chatting with man #3 some. I don't know how well I want to get to know him though since it's complicated.

And as for man #2, I'm going to visit him soon. We're friends and that's all that really matters.